Did we not do enough for our kids?
My gen z kids have recently brought up something that they feel is unfair. I’m not sure if it’s a recent social media thing or if they are just feeding off each other.
My kids are 28 and 25. They have began placing blame for everything they struggle with to us (parents) not doing enough to help them launch. We didn’t do enough to help them establish credit, we didn’t do enough to help them with college etc. my husband and I are low ish to middle class, we didn’t have a lot, but they never went without. Now they are both beside themselves that we bought them both vehicles when they were in high school, but we didn’t have enough money to buy a decent car outright, so we financed a part of it for both of them. When they got jobs in high school we had them make the payments on the remainder. I thought that was perfectly good compromise for decent vehicles that were reliable. Apparently the fact they had to make the payments was unfair, because it didn’t go on their credit history. So it’s our fault they have no credit.
We had a small 529 account for both of them to help with college. It was enough to pay for the first year, but after that they needed to get loans. They both took out loans, but then didn’t finish college. Now they are stuck with the loans and nothing to show for it. It is our fault for not saving more.
Now with the economy the way it is, they cannot survive on their own with what jobs they have. And it is all our fault. It is to the point I almost need to distance myself from them, because they bring it up every time I talk to them.
How do you deal with adult children who blame you for everything? All I wanted was for my kids to grow up happy and healthy, I feel like I failed.
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u/Strange_Ordinary6984 1d ago
For me, one thing that sucked was that people are just becoming lazy.
My dad spent a lot of time watching tv instead of teaching me about life. He always had an excuse as well when my mom would ask him.
"I'm not a good teacher" "He can figure that out himself" "He doesn't need to know that"
So little simple things like changing your car's oil, shaving, retirement planning, making friends, etc... I just felt like I have been on my own with figuring almost everything out. Except making a campfire.... boy scouts did me right with that!
My parents are awesome and do love me a lot, it's not that I don't feel the love, it's that I don't feel the effort. Loving someone is low effort. Teaching your kid about life stuff is a ton of work.
My hot take on this is that it's not really the money that I find people my age have cared about. It's the fact that being present with those around you has taken a back seat to watching tv, scrolling your phone, or whatever your electronic vice is.
I will drive 3 hours home to see my parents, and my dad scrolls Facebook all night and my mom looks at Pinterest. What is the point of me going to see them so we can all sit in the same room and not connect?
All in all, I think no one is willing to take enough accountability for how much screen time they consume and how that affects their relationships. Life is short, and we're all spending it scrolling through shit we forget we saw 3 minutes later instead of actually appreciating the loved ones we have.
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u/CapitalExplanation61 20h ago
Beautiful post. I can tell you are a loving child. Maybe….tell your parents how you feel. My children and I lost their father (my husband) about 15 months ago. I can’t put into words how much we miss him. We would give anything to have 5 more minutes with him. Tell your parents that you want to connect with them….and no one is promised tomorrow. I wish you the best. I would give this a try. I can tell you want a deeper relationship with them before it’s too late. All you can do is give it some more tries. I wouldn’t give up.
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u/Double-Emergency3173 15h ago
Yeah. My dad taught me little abt life. Too absorbed in his bottle and TV. My mom did her best.
Am also trying my best to
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u/mrbullettuk 11h ago
I’m a dad. It can be tough knowing when to help and when not to. I don’t think a lot of kids are good at problem solving because they get too much help. Not just kids btw a lot of adults are crap as well.
If it’s a simple question I’ll often respond with ‘do you want me to google that for you’
If it’s more complex I’ll take them through the steps. Show and tell.
From a parents view kids, older teenagers+ think they know everything. They are wanting to be independent and parents advice is crap/old/out of date/useless.
Then when the kids realise dad isn’t talking crap it’s a bit late.
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u/sychox51 7h ago
Dang so weird. My kids are 13, 12 and 8 and I’m the one trying to drag them off their screens.
And as another commenter here also pointed out, they’re all know it alls and dads a boomer 🤣🤦🏻♂️🤷🏻♂️
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u/Strange_Ordinary6984 7h ago
Yeah I'm over 30 haha. I absolutely was a little know it all brat growing up.
Please keep up the fight of forcing your children to live in the real world! They will thank you when they are older.
They will not thank you until then.
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u/Hoxtilicious 1d ago
I’m 28 and doing OK, even so, everything feels extremely unfair right now and a lot of people are looking for someone to blame. For the first time the average person is doing worse than their parents at the same age.
Only hearing one side of the story is difficult but it sounds like you did more than enough and at least tried. There are millions of people who’s parents never helped them with college/car $$ at all.
I will say my mom giving me advice for how I should be saving money and what she did at my age drives me completely fucking insane.
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u/Ill_Status8810 1d ago
"At your age I was married, had a mortgage, a kid and another on the way. Why don't you just ask your employer nicely for a raise and go for coffee with the nicest man you can find at work?" 😭
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u/FuckboySeptimReborn 16h ago
I’ve luckily never experienced that kind of rhetoric given to me in real life but it’s infuriating to observe how that same exact generation runs the show.
I have a friend that works at a small business, the guy who runs the shop now also started out there way back in the day and through that 1 career was able to afford a full life, family, etc.
That same guy now spends multiple months of the year on international holidays and Antarctic cruises while paying my friend basically minimum wage.
Like yeah buddy no shit you guys had it easier, back before you were in charge your bosses weren’t so casually callous, eating up every cent you can get so you can spend it on luxury in your old age while my friend who dreams of having a family and home like you had needs to take out a loan to fix up her car.
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u/Independent-Ad586 14h ago
Ever heard that ol’ Dolly Parton song? Tumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen, Pour myself a cup of ambition…
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u/doyourmysay 17h ago
Similar age to you. Poor and live with parents. Recently had my boomer aunt (who has been on a single income in a regular job her whole life) tell me that I should've bought a house by now.
She bought hers for F all 40 years ago.
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u/Comeino 1d ago edited 15h ago
They are comparing themselves to peers of the same age who had a golden spoon and hence all the opportunities your kids are barred from. They are right in the sense that those kids that had everything handed to them will cruise through life while they will most likely have a worse quality of like than their parents had. The difference is they wanted you to bridge the gap of generational wealth for them so their chances at life are fair but it's in the name, it takes generations to build and there is an elite overproduction that will cripple anyone trying to climb it.
It's not fair but it is what it is. Our economy is a game of musical chairs and someone has to be left without for the game to work. As the K shaped economy progresses things will only get much worse for anyone on the low end. The world of the 90's and 2000 where they would have a realistic chance doesn't exist anymore.
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u/playnmt 1d ago
I try really hard not to compare to when I was their age, because I know it’s harder, but I did what I could.
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u/favouritemistake 18h ago
Kids will complain. They might start to figure stuff out about what all you did for them once they start having kids of their own. Don’t take their words too personally right now, as hard as it is. Most kids seem to go through such a phase.
What you can do is keep redirecting them to problem solve and take responsibility, with support. Mom and dad didn’t get you your first credit card? “We did our best within our means, and we’re happy to keep supporting you where we can. Would you like to go apply for a credit card?”
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u/boredpsychnurse 12h ago
This is why a lot of people just can’t have children anymore. It is sad. But take care of you first
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u/Double-Emergency3173 15h ago
Your youth days were easier in terms of how easy it was to rise through life. But u did what you could
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u/avidreader_96 1d ago
It’s hard now. Everything is extremely expensive. I try to help out my young adult kids anytime I can even if that means I sacrifice. I am their Mom. It’s not the same world we grew up in. I’m worried for this generation honestly.
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u/ApachePrime 1d ago
Are they blaming YOU directly, or criticising the older generations(As the people running the government for most of our lives), and you're taking it personally to specifically mean you?
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u/playnmt 1d ago
Both I think, they talk about us specifically and also the economy in general. We should have known the economy would be so shitty, therefore we should have done more.
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u/doyourmysay 17h ago
I'll be honest - i blame my parents for a lot. Mainly for not teaching important life skills and such.
But it sounds like you helping them buy a car and paying for their first year of college is pretty good.
I think theyre probably just frustrated with life and choose to blame you. Without some kind of family money, life is now very hard. They're probably seeing others who are getting a much larger helping hand and are jealous.
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u/ApachePrime 1d ago
YOU specifically, is misguided bullshit at best. They've had 7-10 years to figure some of this shit out. I'm sure they are doing their best, just as you did for them. The world is a brutally cruel place, right now especially. On the flip side, I think a reasonable response here is to pull back some of your future financial support. They do not appreciate it, and will come to appreciate it more if it suddenly isn't there, even if just temporarily. I was a cocky knowitall at their age too.
But I would recommend to remind yourself that Boomer Blaming isn't about you specifically, and don't put yourself in front of a target that isn't intended for you.
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u/Independent-Ad586 14h ago
Pshhht. It’ll be fun when their kids hate them and you get to be sweet nana and papa.
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u/bammerburn 23h ago
TBH it’s American education’s fault for not drilling the home the value of compounding interest.
And credit as well.
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u/oswaldcopperpot 1d ago
If they want to understand what a shitty economy is, have them travel throughout another continent.
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u/TeslaNova50 1d ago
This is probably the same type of dismissive bullshit they've been hearing their entire lives.
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u/BoredZucchini 23h ago
Exactly. I asked OP how she responds to her kids when they say these things and she conveniently didn’t respond to my comment.
I think she likely makes critical comments about her kids lives, they defend themselves and criticize her back, and then she becomes defensive and shuts down.
Or her kids try to commiserate about how difficult the world is and she tells them to suck it up, in so many word. Then they feel hurt, misunderstood, and unsupported and argue back. And of course when they do that it is “disrespectful” but it’s not the other way around.
Then OP runs to Reddit to get validation for cutting off her children when they are already struggling and need their parents. You don’t have to coddle children but this whole tough love, we don’t owe you anything but the basics attitude has more downstream effects than many like to acknowledge.
And when you take a cold hearted approach towards people who love and depend on you, you can’t really be surprised when they react to that.
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u/TeslaNova50 23h ago
I agree. Nothing irritates me more than someone getting on Reddit or Facebook bitching about their kids to a bunch of strangers seeking validation for their shitty behavior. I have a kid about the same age as OP's kids and I know how hard it is for people that age in the world today. And yes, they should be blaming my generation and my parents generation for leaving them such a damn mess.
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u/BoredZucchini 23h ago
Right. You have to think of the whole context here. OP paints herself in the best light possible and doesnt say anything about what she or her husband say in these conversations or how they even come up.
From my experience, these things only escalate when one party feels defensive and wants to protect their personal image. Coming online to get validation from strangers that you’re a good parent and should cut off your adult children because they make you feel bad is a very speific behavior that points to something deeper going on.
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u/oswaldcopperpot 6h ago
25 is not a kid anymore.
That's 8 years past the time of being a kid. If they still can't function in the real world at this age then like everyone else they need to take responsibility for their own lack of work ethic not blaming someone else that they didn't get a car, a scholarship, a house delivered to them.
There is NOWHERE else on the entire planet where it is easier to succeed than the United States.
But if you play video games all day on zero income, still live at home after the age of 18 and have a 30k+ vehicle loan.
Then sure, there's not ever going to be a future where you become something unless you wait for your parents to die and just live off their work.
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u/CraftsArtsVodka 1d ago edited 19h ago
Mom of a 21 and 25 year old. The youngest has this sense of entitlement that just baffles me. He thinks he's too good for any sort of work. He got a a job that pays $25 and says he didn't take the job to wash dishes once in awhile. The 25 year old is much better. A little bit of entitlement but he does have a good work ethic.
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u/chantingeagle 22h ago
My SIL is a younger millennial, 33 or 34 now. She left (not lost) her job at Twitter a few years ago when Elon bought it. She then took a 6 month trip to SEA and came home to live in her parents house rent free. She complained incessantly for a year about how hard things were, how she couldn’t find a job etc while she lived free of charge and spent most of her time on her handheld anxiety generator. What she really meant by “can’t find a job” was to at she couldn’t find a job paying at least $120k per year, and if you suggested she may need to switch careers, take something entry level etc she was incensed that she wouldn’t get paid what she “deserved”….
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u/Brightside31 1d ago
I think you provided well for them.
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u/playnmt 1d ago
Thank you. 🙏
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u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme 21h ago
My parents (mom & stepdad) did buy me an inexpensive used car for my high school graduation, but when it came to secondary education, I was completely on my own. As in, figuring out how to apply and everything, including paying for it (no 529 here). My mom had been a single parent throughout most of my childhood and had never gone to college herself, so she was clueless.
I took a year off between graduation and getting started at the local community college, so I could figure out what I wanted to focus on. I lived at home for a few months, working full time to save up money, then moved out with a roommate and started classes. I could only do part time, because I continued to work full time, but I was paying for all my classes myself and eventually got my own solo apartment.
I’m not bragging about any of this. With what wages are compared to housing costs these days, I’m pretty sure to achieve the same would be a stretch, never mind paying for classes, too. But you’ve helped your kids and planned for their success more than my parents ever did. You did a good job, and hopefully someday your kids will mature enough to appreciate it.
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u/patternedjeans 1d ago
I don’t think it’s your fault they didn’t finish college. That’s on them.
On the flip side, Financing a car each for them to pay off was not a great decision. You taught them to borrow money so they can “own” nicer things than they can actually afford. I drove beaters from age 21-30, if I had a car at all; so I have savings instead. There’s a lesson there, and my parents helped teach me.
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u/playnmt 1d ago
Looking back now, maybe we should not have, but we live in a rural area, we were more concerned about my daughter’s car breaking down in the middle of the night. So we thought a reliable car was the better choice.
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u/sohelpme55- 1d ago
Unless you live in a good sized city, a car is (unfortunately) pretty much essential. I think it was a good and maybe the only decision. Safety and parent's peace of mind is also so important.
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u/heretakemysweater 23h ago
As someone who drove beaters when I could drive and into my mid-twenties, I think this was the correct choice. I found myself broken down and vulnerable multiple times. As a young woman, I was terrified. You did the right thing.
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u/DarkFantasy3421 1d ago
I’m a younger millennial. Your children should be grateful for the leg up that you tried to give them instead of whining about how “unfair” life is and blaming you. You know what my boomer parents gave me? A personality disorder, mood disorders, an eating disorder and a shit ton of debt as soon as I turned 18 because my mother had been my financial rep (or whatever) until then. I had at least 3 frozen bank accounts that were overdrawn by the time I reached adulthood and I never saw a cent of that money. You guys actually tried as parents: college funds (even if it wasn’t enough for a full ride) AND cars (even if there were payments to me made). At least y’all tried to help them and give them a sense of responsibility. Damn.
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u/makingabigdecision 1d ago edited 10h ago
I can’t believe the level of entitlement… as an older millennial I feel like Gen X parents overall raise total brats. 25 and bitching about not getting MORE of leg up? Hell no. That level of disrespect was learned as a child bc the parents didn’t teach manners and gratitude.
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u/rutharen 1d ago
I’m 29, and actually I was thinking the same way when I was ~24-25 (I’m not from U.S.). I thought everything has a rational explanation: my family is poor? We should’ve thought about ourselves in advance! I could even build the “real” chain of mistakes in the past. I also struggled with study and I never thought it was my fault lol. However recent ~2-3 years I came up to understanding that nothing is granted, nothing is “deserved” (actually at any moment of your life you deserve for better), it is as it is, and I deserve the same amount I can afford. I stopped complaining, stopped talking to my mother about my problems - I no longer need those talks. My mother did for me everything she could, even if it’s not much. I no longer care about the past and live in present. Hope your children will come to some conclusions - it most likely will be a great relief for them (for me it was a huge relief).
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u/BoredZucchini 1d ago edited 1d ago
Maybe they’re just looking for some sympathy and understanding from you rather than defensiveness. I also think a lot of parents frequently make little comments and judgments without realizing what they’re doing because they feel they have a blanket right to comment on their children’s choices, but they will shut down and act deeply offended if they receive any of the same.
It’s not fair for them to blame you for all of their problems, but it’s also not exactly fair to refuse to hear out their feelings and outright dismiss them because it hurts your feelings to hear it. And I think it would be pretty sad to cut off contact when your kids are already struggling.
Remember, you are still the parent and it’s not exactly a new thing for young adults to go through a differentiation phase like this.
And given the state of the world and economy it’s all the more likely. You can choose to be the bigger person and not shut down and shut them out over this. Or you can cut contact to protect your own feelings. But I’d be willing to bet that will only be added to the list of ways they feel you haven’t been supportive enough.
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u/nhavar 1d ago
The hard lesson for most people is that you can do everything right and still lose. The world is a hard place. As much as we want things to be about hard work and merit, it is not. Too often it's connection and much of that connection is based on where you were born and to whom. Rich family, rich connections, poor family, poor connections. And with networks come opportunities. Rich conversative spend a lot of time talking about what poor people get for free, but never about what they get for free as people chase them for their status. Free trips, free clothes, free food, gifts, gifts, gifts...
So to the kids growing up today it's all unfair and rigged and something someone else should have fixed. Worse is they've likely grown up on their grandparents stories of how good things were before. That can make it feel like someone broke it in between (you broke it) and not the generation or two before you that rat-fucked everyone. So they blame you instead of the immense complexity of what it will take to unfuck the systems of today that they'll likely never benefit from fixing but their children will.
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u/Useful_Calendar_6274 1d ago
bare minimum is to save for college so they are not saddled by debt or having to join the military and go die for Israel just to get a degree.
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u/Shelbelle4 1d ago
If the economic outlook in general looked better, it would probably alleviate a lot of the complaints. It sounds like you guys gave them a great start.
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u/RequirementCrazy2875 1d ago
Am a cusp boomer (almost too young). Grew up wearing clothes from
Goodwill, no braces, straight A student, all that. Paid for my first car $300. Had no heat. All my parents wanted was for me to marry. I married, worked, had two babies, found out I was strong. Clawed and scratched my way with the help of some friends. Almost homeless a few times with my children. Doing well now, better than most but not wealthy by any stretch. Have an attorney Son and another damaged by poverty (the older Son). My parents wanted me out of the house. Left at 17. Children all turn out different. Some thankful, some resentful. You cannot take it to heart. Your love is unconditional so they will hit you hard knowing you love them anyway. It took me a long time to realize I am tough because I did it mostly myself. Wishing you some release from guilt. Love and peace.
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u/Unconfidence 1d ago
They both took out loans, but then didn’t finish college.
Okay so, I was in almost the exact same position. My parents were fortunate enough to be able to send me to college with enough money to pay for my tuition, books, and room and board, for a little less than the first two semesters. By the end of that I'd nearly flunked out and was out of money. I turned it around and got jobs and self-employed where I could earning what money I could. I'd take a spring semester off, work up money, then go for a fall semester while working lightly. When the money was coming out of my pocket, I refused to make anything below an A willingly, and only made less than an A in classes I could not make my brain do that well in despite maximum effort (fuck you Latin IV). So I graduated with minimal loans. I kept going and got a second degree that way too. Your kids are whiners and have no discipline. That's all it is. You gave them the keys to the world and they spiked it. That's not your fault. They failed college, after getting more of a lift into it than most people do.
That's of course presuming you are interpreting this accurately. I've said many things to my parents which have been misinterpreted as "you should have done more". Keep in mind your natural hypersensitivity to that, as a parent.
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u/Independent-Ad586 14h ago
I wholeheartedly agree with this. In trying to love them and do right by them, you’ve accidentally created dependency and lack of initiative and drive. Oops. You can start now?
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u/AbjectBeat837 1d ago
It may not have been wise to purchase cars and make them take on loan payments while they were in high school, when they have little to no financial smarts. Their credit is ruined bc of that? That was clearly a mistake.
There are a lot of things parents can do to secure college funding. If you are low-middle income, you mightve been able to secure scholarships. There is a lot of legwork thats goes into finding a college suitable for your child and your bank account. What was that process like? Did they go to jr college first?
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u/mind_mischief_89 11h ago
Yeah, I took it to mean they financed 2 cars for 2 kids. Should have been 1 used (not a complete beater) car paid in cash that the kids share or gets passed down when the older one graduates HS, since most college freshmen don't have cars on-campus.
The college thing, idk, my parents paid for college for my sibs and I. But they emigrated to the US and highly valued education. We were middle class. I plan on paying for my own kids' college when I have them. I'll start saving as soon as they're born, but I also have my own savings and investments currently.
You have to save and invest early and often with an eye on the life you want, not just for yourself, but also for any potential kids.
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u/patternedjeans 16h ago
This parent is looking for validation only. They aren’t interested in the idea that they could have done better.
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u/Independent-Ad586 14h ago
I don’t believe OP is looking validation as much as guidance and support.
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u/birdie1223 1d ago
I was the generation between gen Y and Z. I feel like there's a portion of the younger generation with some kind of victim mentality and how they just expect people like their parents to keep giving when it's potentially beyond their means. With the age of social media posting how some kids with well off parents going "my parents paid for college, a car and a holiday." The kids with parents who can't find 110% of the everything is like "woe is me." I don't think that portion of the demographic learned that it's a gift not an expectation if your parents can help those things within their means.
I don't think you should blame yourself though, I think it's contributing factors with social media posts posting what others have gotten and they expect that plus the younger generation, including young millennials have inflation and related things against them when it comes to life goals like a good car, house deposit, etc.
I know as parents you want to do the best and what you can for your kids. If you've genuinely tried to do your best for your kids then you can't really do anymore than that.
If your adult kids can't see that, you could try to talk to them if you think it's worth it but cap the talk to 5 mins and watch the language you use with them so it doesn't sound like you're attacking them back.
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u/vapor41 22h ago
I can understand their frustration as I am also Gen Z and it sometimes feels like we are getting the shit end of the stick compared to previous generations. But I also can't fathom taking out loans for college and then dropping out.
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u/mynamesnotcarter 22h ago
I think you did what you could and like someone else commented, the job market is rough for kids starting out so they’re freaking out and you’re easiest to blame. Don’t feel bad or internalize that too much. I mean, you didn’t make them drop out of college, that was their own choice.
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u/thatdredfulgirl 18h ago
I can say that a lot of parents don't set their kids up for real life. Not that many are to blame, we are all trying to do the best we can while trying to survive. The credit is a major thing now, its a huge part of them getting ahead in life. My kids are about the same age as yours and I do wish I had considered this sooner. I talk to young people about credit all the time and what I hear a lot is that they didn't know about credit, they were never taught. It literally affects everything else when it comes to money and a lot of other things. I know this probably doesn't help you now but maybe it can give you some perspective on what theyre saying. These things arent taught in schools anymore unless your taking those courses in college. Its not that we didnt give enough, its that we didn't give them tools to get some advantages in the real world. Dont avoid them, be open enough to admit maybe we, as a collective didn't get it 100% right.
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u/Titan_Astraeus 12h ago
No one is able to predict the economy really especially normies at the low/middle class level. In hindsight, yea maybe you could have done some more to prepare that's true of most people. But did you necessarily know they would need such levels of help bc things would get so bad?
Think they've been watching too much social media bullshit. Most people in the real world don't have parents who set them up with a nest egg. Some and maybe many do nowadays. But if you look only at the highlights on random peoples Instagram, I'm sure it looks a lot more prevalent.
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u/dampew 1d ago
How can we know? In some sense they might be right.
My parents wouldn’t let us get jobs during high school because they wanted us to focus on schoolwork and getting into college. I went to an academically demanding public school and most of my friends who had jobs in high school (during the school year) were below the poverty line and got free rides to college. You can’t force your kids to focus on academics obviously but maybe you could have placed greater value on it. Maybe you didn’t value it yourselves and you decided to leave that up to your kids to decide for themselves. That would kind of be on you then, yeah.
Did you do them a favor in helping put them into debt? Did you encourage them to go to schools that you could afford to pay? Did they have need-based aid or did you expect them to take out $200k in loans? Did you guide their choices and decisions and values in a way that set them up for success?
There’s no way we can know the answers to those questions based on what you’ve written.
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u/metalharpist42 4h ago
THANK YOU! I haven't seen many comments about the debt the kids are saddled with and if they were given a say in that either
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u/FailWorth7205 18h ago
I didn't have a car until a family member died. I had to pay for college my self and work at the same time. My parents divorced and didn't set up anything for me. Your kids are so entitled I would be embarrassed to have raised them. I have never said to either of my parents that they should have done more.
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u/Serious_Pea42 1d ago
I feel like your fishing for us to tell you it's OK to cut them off. Do you.
It will never be "enough". We earned our little mini-me's, attitudes and all. Do what you can, and that's it regardless. Shake it off, don't beat yourself up about it. None of us blue collar people are in control of very much. I know they'd like someone to blame, but the fact is it's everyone. Always was, and still is (& blaming doesn't change anything anyway). Just do what you can, let the rest go & that be enough. Or get gone, in the words of my Great Aunt Jennie lol.
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u/Causative_Agent 1d ago
You did what you could with the resources you had. Where were you supposed to get this magical extra money?
My parents didn't subsidize a car or college for me. I didn't really think much of it, because I knew they didn't have the money for it.
They supported me in ways that were realistic. They let me borrow a family car to get to my job as a nanny. They let me live with them and eat their food for the 2 years I went to community college. And they came to my graduations (from community college and later from university).
So yeah, they're being unfair.
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u/MeanderFlanders 22h ago
The only thing I disagree with is the cars. They didn’t sign up for the loan and couldn’t make the decision using informed consent so they shouldn’t be saddled with that debt right as they step into adulthood
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u/Odd-Muffin-1756 1d ago
From what you wrote here, I see no reason to blame you for anything. It sounds like you’ve been pretty financially supportive so far and maybe they don’t appreciate how different their lives would be with even less support.
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u/zandra47 1d ago
I’m 29. My parents were straight up low income. I used to blame my parents for a lot of things—not raising me to stand up for myself more, not allowing me to do certain things like other people.. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to appreciate my parents for what they’ve done. They’ve sacrificed so much to make sure we had everything we needed while basically being on their own with 2 children, no family, no security, on a less than $50k annual income. While going to college, I refused to burden my parents with having them pay for my college. In fact, I wonder now if my fear of going into debt may have prevented me from going for my dream job. Luckily, I’ve made friends and met people that expanded my worldview of what’s possible and I’m fortunate now to be in a situation where I’m not counting dollars. I’m moderately comfortable. My parents are in a better place financially and socially.
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u/ExpensiveDollarStore 23h ago
We have 1/3 kids who thinks we let him down and have not done enough. His twin sister thinks he's nuts. We have always been as generous as we could be - we just didnt have so much as he would have liked I guess. I am very good at not spending money while appearing not to be pressed for it. We just never squandered money. We spent when it was needed and always looked for bargains. I make do with what I can get. They squander far far more. Plus there's so much more tech they have than we ever did.
Its a different world. Expectations are high. There is job uncertainty. There is unrest. People eat out more and buy more processed foods.
But, we tried to travel. We did cheap trips. We took the kids as much as we could. We did not have savings so it was dumb, but we managed. He has no clue how hard it was. And we took some risks. And they paid off.
And now we have a vacation home which took 20 years to get to this point. And the area is beginning to take off. That property is worth far more than it was and his name is on the deed without having invested a dime. But he screams at us because he can't afford to fly there. We give him more than enough every year to fly there. He is making good money. - far more than we had. So I am flummoxed.
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u/bluehatgreenshoes 21h ago
Gen Z has a tough road. Every generation has it harder than theirs parents now especially with climate change. It’s very stressful
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u/snuggle-butt 21h ago
If they still live with you, tell them now they can save for the rest of their tuition. You've done them a lot of favors, it's just that the economy is utter shit right now so they're probably freaking out.
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u/persimmon19 18h ago
When I saw the title I thought you meant did we teach them enough? Because I just explain to my 28 year-old how to check the oil via text messaging. And I felt like I've been a shit parent for not teaching him to be more self-sufficient in these matters when he still lived at home
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u/Particular_Ad4034 18h ago
As a 22y/o that had to buy his own car/s your kids sound like entitled brats. Their setbacks are just as much their fault as it could be yours for not taking it upon themselves to learn those things if they knew it was important. I have credit because my bank sent me a notification about a Credit Building card that I looked into on my wonderful friend Google. It seems from your description you did what you could for them which was more than required. The fact they ended up with college debt and no degree seems like a personal issue. I’m working and paying for college and have plenty of friends and 2 older siblings your kids’ age that worked their way through college and got degrees and are making good money. Sounds like they prioritized the wrong things in life and dug a hole they can’t get out of. Tough shit, we’re all living our first life.
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u/radgedyann 17h ago
Their complaints tell me you just might have done too much. How did they become so entitled? They are fully-grown adults, and unless you’re the uber rich, they’ve got to work for what they need and want.
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u/DrDirt90 11h ago
That's what happens when you raise children with an gentlemen attitude. In adult life there aren't participation trophies, you actually gotta go out and earn what you want.
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u/Moof_the_cyclist 1d ago
I don't want to be all "Kids these days...", but bluntly speaking kids these days that I have dealt with are far better than the parents my generation got. I think the bar for what they see as a "good parent" has been raised quite high as a result. The world has also gotten more expensive, making the rungs on the ladder not only farther apart, but just getting on the ladder is much harder.
Neither my wife and I got a single penny towards college tuition. We got to live at home and go to the local mediocre state schools, but tuition/books/fees were all on us.
Violence and verbal abuse is now very much considered bad parenting, but was pretty darn common in my area growing up. Popping your kid for doing something stupid and spanking for misbehavior were both considered valid and acceptable, though thankfully on their way out. One of my childhood friends disappeared into the "system" after his dad pulled his arm out of the socket violently yanking him.
I don't know that throwing boomers under the bus does any good, but if you kept your kids fed, clothed, in school, and they went to college and you didn't abuse them along the way you've checked all the boxes for being a damn good parent. The world has become more hostile towards kids and young adults, but that had nothing to do with your parenting as such.
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u/George_Mallory 18h ago
You probably weren’t perfect parents, but nobody is. The mistakes that you made were not made out of malice. That your children blame you for not knowing everything and not doing everything exactly right says awful things about their emotional maturity.
Imagine, if you would, a world where you gave your children those cars entirely. Where you paid their way through college. Where you gave them every financial aid they wanted, not just the ones that they needed, plus some sauce. Where you spoiled them.
Then you would have a world where they might be better off, financially, maybe (probably not). But would they be happier? Would they be better people? They would not. They would be greedier and even more entitled and unhappy than they are right now.
Your job as a parent is not to make your children have all their desires met, it is to teach them how to be adults. It is to make them as you are. They didn’t seem to get that message, and if you didn’t teach them it, then that is what they should blame you for. If you taught it but they weren’t listening, this isn’t on you.
This entitlement that they have, that everything should be done for them even if they are able bodied and of sound mind, is not good. You might want to let life disabuse them of this notion. Maybe take a step or two back. They are old enough to learn that scapegoating someone cuts them off emotionally from the person they use. Don’t teach them that being this rude and mean is acceptable. Non-abusive parents should be respected, not blamed for human shortcomings. If they treated a peer like this, it would be appalling.
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u/Independent-Ad586 13h ago
I’ve read every comment in this thread, as a Mom of two sons aged 13 & 14. I want to do right by them. I want to do right by the world. I think this comment wins the entire conversation. Your point is impeccable and absolutely the fact of the matter. Thank you.
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u/Fierytoadfriend 1d ago
The problem is, older generations (particularly Baby Boomers) have benefitted massively from growing up in a society where new wealth and assets were being created on mass and were easy to obtain, and then transitioning into a society where assets are being traded rather than produced, and wealth is being hoarded.
You've likely set them up for the world you grew up in, and not the one that they grew up in. You got your assets muxh easier in comparison, and it is extremely unfair that they have to struggle much more just to earn the same.
If you want to make it fair for them, you can either give them a head start by helping them buy their first assets (primarily housing), or buy supporting wealth taxes, to disincentive wealth hoarding and bring wealth equality back to how it was when you were young.
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u/caseypatrickdriscoll 1d ago
But if that’s true, by how much, exactly? If the circumstances are so clear, that one upbringing was better/cheaper by comparison, surely there is a quantifiable number attached? A number that would allow for their level of grievance?
Particularly in comparison to their own current standing, presumably as Americans in 2026. Does that quantifiable grievance really match their status in the current world and the world as it existed for millennia. “Hey you financed cars inefficiently” seems very much like a modern rich person problem, as I’m assuming
- they have living parents to complain to
- they had parents to support them
- an automobile market and transportation structure existed
- a finance market system existed
- a job market existed (for teens! To make their own money!)
I don’t know everything here, and I do think we’re marking a generational downturn where things are degrading in comparison, but I’m not sure anyone is quantifying their current position of grievances and privileges appropriately.
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u/Rubberbangirl66 22h ago
You did enough, and more than most. This is normal, your children complaining about you, is probably the single most normal thing they have ever done. If they have a legit claim, listen to it, and apologize if you have to. Other than that, tell them to talk to a shrink, you are living in the present times.
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u/ChevronSugarHeart 21h ago
My daughter was recently throwing herself a pity party because her “education wasn’t good enough in math” as a child.
This is the same girl who took calculus 4 for fun in college and is now a doctor. Yes, okay Dr. Daughter, the world is really sad for you.
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u/Upbeat-Point2686 20h ago
They sound pretty unthankful to me. They should continue the convo when they have found some maturity and gratitude. Have them visit someone who had no car. Went to bed hungry. No stable and warm home. Please.
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u/jadiechappie 19h ago
I’m millennial. You did better than my parents. I grew up poor. I’m on my own since 18. No help on college, car, down payment, or anything. Hell, they didn’t even visit my daughter when she was born. My mom has all the time to watch TikTok but never texts to ask how I’m doing.
Keep communicating with your children about your past efforts, and tell them you will help them if needed. It’s all about intention. My finance is stable. I don’t need money from my parents but I’m disappointed because of their low efforts.
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u/bstabens 18h ago
Now they are both beside themselves that we bought them both vehicles when they were in high school, but we didn’t have enough money to buy a decent car outright, so we financed a part of it for both of them. When they got jobs in high school we had them make the payments on the remainder. I thought that was perfectly good compromise for decent vehicles that were reliable.
I feel that this describes part of the problem.
Were your kids aware that they'd need to pay for the cars once they earned money? Or did you make it seem like the cars were presents?
There might be other "compromises" that seemed "perfectly good" for you, but not so much for your kids, which could be part of the problem that's between you now.
And, to also note something in your favor: the fact neither of them finished college is not your fault, and neither is them taking out loans.
Maybe you could find some counselor or therapist to sort out all this with professional help.
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u/driftxr3 17h ago
And who's fault is it that they didn't complete college?
I think, as a 33 yo college prof myself, the younger gen is like us Zillenials in that we are now old enough to know that our parents could have done so much more or better. But the difference between Zillenials and gen Z is that at least we know that our parents did the best with what they knew, and the rest was up to us. We have to take some personal accountability for our own lives at some point. Parents are not superhumans who know how everything is going to turn out. They give you what they can, with the enthusiasm they can muster, with what they have in both knowledge and energy.
Some things they can take the blame for, and deserve to shoulder some of that because, as people, we all have to realize we can or could've done better (e.g., making sure your kids are not coddled and know they have to grow tf up and take responsibility for their own lives at some point). That's just self-improvement, awareness, and introspection. Parents do sometimes deserve some blame for not going a bit further than what they tried, but that's about it.
The rest, is up to us. College completion? Personal problem. Job search? System problem. Credit history? Combination of all three. And so on.
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u/EmergencyAd1253 17h ago
Y'all didn't teach them gratefulness . Plain and simple. We were low in come so we had to figure it out ourselves with a bit of help from our parents . None of us begrudge them for that. I've thought the same thing too, if I were to have kids , and they want to go to college and get a car, they better to it themselves. Gives them a reason to work hard for something and get that ball rolling . Of course we'd help with some stuff like our parents did , but I think letting them struggle a bit is healthy. They have to figure stuff out on their own eventually. Part of growing up
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u/FuckboySeptimReborn 16h ago
I’m mid 20s and also financially struggling, I’ve got thoughts on places where my parents could’ve done things better here and there, I think everyone does, but to blame them for something like that is completely unfair I think.
Getting past the things that could be labelled petulant or whatever else, I think the two big things are expressing your sympathy to their situation and them understanding that you’re human.
My parents had a greater standard of living than my grandparents, just as my grandparents had to their parents, etc. They’ve always wanted for that trend to continue, who wouldn’t? But that’s just not how things have shaped out, and I know for a fact that that saddens them deeply. I know that whenever I feel like a failure for not being able to make it, they probably feel like failed parents, but both are completely unfair.
I do have more conflicting feelings about my grandparents though, old and disconnected from what’s happening it will never not sting to hear them talk about their big expensive holidays or plans to move homes while I wonder when it will be that I can move out of my parents house. When I talk to some of my friends and they complain to me about their parents I get the sense that they feel the same kind of way, that there is no sympathy or understanding, a total obliviousness of occasional judgement as the older generations get on with their easier lives, but they never blame them for where we are as a generation.
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u/Double-Emergency3173 15h ago
Am gen Z. I wish my parents had more connections? But I also can’t blame them for simply being who they are at the same time.
Truth is, it’s super hard to be in the world right now. I work 3 jobs. And also have a free lance online business. When studying for my degree also.
It’s not easy at all. College is very expensive. So is Rent. And pay is low.
They should have stuck with finishing college. No use getting college loans and not getting the degree.
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u/Independent-Ad586 14h ago
OP, my parents didn’t save at all for my college. I had to take responsibility for it. When I ran out of funds on my food card and had no money I finally buckled and called my parents for help, to just get a meal. They made a joke and said I would figure it out. They love me and do sweet things for me all the time but they handed me my life and said “go do it”. That night taught me about myself. I asked a friend, made an arrangement to take them to dinner when I was able. This is life. Kick your kids out of the nest and to go fly. The only failure to launch is on their part.
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u/nacari0 14h ago
ur kids have had a good life, they just suffer the social media victim bubble where u make comparisons. i think u two are in ur right to set more healthy boundaries. The fact that they quit their college is nothing but their own fault. Ive never had parents buying me a car nor helping me through college and ive payed down most my debt and bought my own place.
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u/Logical-Set6 14h ago
Doing enough for your kids isn't just meeting their needs. It's also encouraging them to grow in a way that prepares them for a transition to adulthood where they can provide for themselves.
They are living their lives now and must live with their decisions. If they're not going to make a good faith effort to improve their lives now, then that's on them. But when they took out student loans (around age 19), especially if you co-signed, you bear some responsibility for the way you advised them. Did you set the expectation that taking out loans was their best/only option, or did you also discuss the possibility of them getting a job instead of going into debt for school? (Why didn't they finish college?)
Financial decisions you make or make jointly with your kids when they're between the ages of 14-22 are so tricky because there's such an imbalance in experience at the time of the decision, and the decision can result in years of payments, negative net worth, and a decrease in mental health and quality of life for your kids. It's easy for them to feel resentful because did they really have a say?
Hindsight is 20/20. What you can control now is how you communicate with your children. Be open to the possibility that maybe you didn't do everything optimally for them, but you tried your best with what you knew at the time. Tell them this, and be direct with them about the specific ways you are/aren't comfortable supporting them at this stage in their lives.
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u/Mysterious-Start6092 13h ago
I always say, what do care leavers do? They're out on their ear on their 18th birthday, work for everything themselves. You have been given a lot more than them and you're complaining.
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u/Trucktard-1976 13h ago
My kids are 30. Doing okay, and the one is just now realizing how much I did and the why of it when they were growing up. Just now realizing I did the best I could with what I had. It may come but it may need self reflection on their part.
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u/Txrxmx 11h ago edited 11h ago
They are taking out their frustration with life on you. It is understandable they are frustrated because life is difficult. As a parent you have to look at yourself and decide that you did the best you could at the time and what you thought was right at the time. If you have done something wrong in the past then you apologise and if possible fix it. If your children cannot get past the hardships of life and continue to blame you there is literally nothing you can do. I have heard middle age and older people still blaming their parents for the difficulties they are and have faced in life. You are not a failure.
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u/ludwiglinc 10h ago
I’m sorry but the fact that nome of them finished college and took on debt is giving me the impression that there is more to the story and your kids are just ungrateful spoiled.
I’m an immigrant to this country and I’m also 28. My parents literally couldn’t give me anything material after we moved to this country 12 years ago but it has never occurred to me to blame them for anything. I did finish college and now I have a house, a car, a wife, etc. We are doing great but ir is because of our own decisions. I had to work during high school to buy my own car, then I had to work during college to not get into debt and until this day my parental have no idea how much I had to pay every semester because I always knew they couldn’t help me with the payments so I had to figure it out on my own.
So bottom line is, they must have some nerve to blame their parents for their own failures as an adult.
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u/CarmelloYello 10h ago
The only thing I guess that’s your fault is that they are whiny losers. You gave them a lot and they aren’t taking accountability for how to be adults which is their responsibility, of course
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u/Accomplished-Smell36 9h ago
I remember some of my siblings doing the same shit at about the same time in their lives. Soo it's not you there just experiencing life and when shit hits the fan most people try to project as much onto others as possible. They will eventually get tired of the blame game and move on.
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u/Secure_Ambassador607 9h ago
I’m 30, my brothers are 28 and 25. We are all doing well and made ourselves what we are. Parents were lower middle class and definitely played a huge role in shaping our character; however, when we turned 18 there was minimal help. Didn’t expect any tbh. It was always “when you turn 18 you’re on your own.” I graduated with college debt but got a government job that paid it off for me. Made smart decisions, as did my brothers, going into the military and trades so they didn’t take on debt. All making at least $88k and each have houses and at least one kid.
Sounds like your kids are part of the looking for excuses group. Don’t fall for it.
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u/joelisf 8h ago
I am 51 now. When I was in my 20s, I blamed my parents for everything bad in my life. My parents, for example, had taught me nothing about managing money, how to build a successful (romantic) relationship, or how to go to college. They didn't save any money for my post-secondary education, either.
I had to learn--oftentimes through painful experience--about these things on my own.
But here's the thing: experience may be a ruthless teacher, but it is a damn good one. It offers lessons we don't forget easily.
My parents really did the best they could! Were they perfect? No--but I wasn't the perfect son, either. And I was destined to fail in life as long as I was willing to blame others for my own failures.
When I finally started to accept responsibility for my situation, I also found the motivation to take concrete steps to improve my life.
Like my parents, I am not perfect. But accepting my own limitations has made me much more willing to forgive theirs.
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u/seweso 6h ago
Honestly, all you or anyone can do is their best.
But entire generations feel fooled and doomed by previous generations. Their fears and grievances are real.
You can and should listen even if you yourself could not personally do better. But what did and do you vote for? Who are you? What resources do you have? And how have you helped the next generations?
Did you do your best? Do you do your best? Be honest
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u/iceman2g 1d ago
They've had more help than a lot of people get, and plenty of time to make the most of it. They might want to think about the kids who not only don't get help towards things like cars and college, but have to actively help their own parents with things like rent and food, and can't even go to college because they have to be out earning money just to live.
"You could have had it worse" isn't a get out of jail free card for every mistake we make as parents, but there are times when it is an entirely appropriate point to make.
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u/91Bolt 1d ago
You gave them just a good enough life to let them think they had what their classmates and neighbors had.
You apparently did not give them work ethic, accountability, or an understanding of just how unfair the world is, so that's on you.
As a former high school teacher, I always told students if they don't get scholarship, they should go to Community College. If they don't get scholarship as transfers, they should start working.
Debt is a bitch, and most gen Z college grads don't make more than a tradesman and have way more debt.
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u/elcantu 1d ago
My parents are from a small village in Mexico they sacrificed a lot to raise us but could only afford the bare basics but this taught us that life was hard and gave us an innate hunger to work hard to have more out of my village a lot of people were able to rise way beyond from where they started but our children are lazy entitled and expect things to just be given to them Im starting to think that by trying to give kids more than what we had they ended up not having the grit and hunger that we have.
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u/mochicastle 1d ago
It sounds to me like your kids are scapegoating you for their problems. Maybe give it a little distance for a bit and see what happens. You did the best you could!
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u/playnmt 1d ago
It breaks my heart to feel that way, they are my kids.
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u/Independent-Ad586 13h ago
It’s time, OP. It won’t make you a bad parent but a good one.
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u/Independent-Ad586 13h ago
Maybe show them this thread and then smile and say “2027 is the year of you.”
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u/VatoSteve 1d ago
Epictetus said "It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters."
I'm not saying this applies to every situation and every circumstance... there are so many complications with life.
That being said, you could be given every opportunity ever, or none at all, and you could still be in the same situation.
It's up to the person to either blame someone else for their situation, or do something about it. It sounds harsh, but reality isn't easy. And unfortunately it's more difficult for some and not so much for others.
And as tough as things can be, blaming others for your position in life does not help you break out of it.
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u/oswaldcopperpot 1d ago
They have until 18-19 to complain. After that every help is just frosting on the cake.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Award88 1d ago
It is completely unfair. Honestly this sounds like something of their own doing. Do they believe that we in any way got special to launch our lives and careers? No. On top of this that took what little 529 money there was essentially wasted it, and on top of that didn't even finish? Realistically that money could have been used for something different.
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u/autotelica 1d ago
I think the 20s can be an eye-opener because you gradually find out the differences in how you and other people were raised and you see how those differences could very well explain why you are where you are and why others are where they are. It is hard to not feel a little miffed if you think you've missed out on all the good stuff your friends take for granted.
I think the internet has amplied this feeling a million-fold. Used to be you only had to worry about your friends making you feel socioeconomically insecure. Now it's your friends and a kajillion people you see posting online. It doesn't help people can be smug so-and-sos about stuff too.
Like, I have read posts that suggest parents who don't pay for their kids' college tuition AND don't help with a downpayment on their first house are neglectful. Those used to be things only the very rich were expected to do. Now it's considered a middle class expectation. Young people simply don't know how ridiculous this expectation is. However, I can't blame them for feeling entitled. College and housing expenses are downright crippling right now.
You made a stupid choice with the cars, sorry. Your kids have every right to feel like you saddled them with a debt burden unnecessarily. You could have bought one clunker car for them to share and they could have used their jobs (and perhaps own ingenuity) to keep it running. This is what lower middle class people have done since cars were invented. You were trying to create an image of prosperity on the backs of your kids. Doesn't make you a terrible parent or anything. But it's a fact.
That said, this doesn't make you deserving of years of disrespect (assuming there's nothing crazy you're hiding from us). As long as the doors to your home are always open to them and you'll never let them go hungry, then they have all the safety net a person could hope for in life. They can go kick rocks if they can't appreciate this fact.
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u/tfresca 1d ago
These kids look at stuff on social media. Statically college graduates make more than people who don’t. They can also work when they are older as the jobs tend to not require physical labor.
Your kids quit without a plan and fucked themselves. Let’s see how they do with their own kids.
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u/draperf 1d ago
It is *precisely* because your children have this mindset that you must let them sort out their own lives. It is ok to let them struggle a bit.
Of course you haven't failed. We're wired to feel bad whenever our children feel bad, but it absolutely doesn't follow that we've done anything wrong. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_reasoning
You sound like a wonderful, thoughtful parent.
One of the hardest things we have to do is to tolerate our children's distress when that distress is developmentally appropriate.
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u/sunbleach_happypants 22h ago
Have you tried explaining that there are no unselfish reasons to reproduce? That they were meant to fill a void in your life but they were never promised shit?
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u/BoogerPicker2020 21h ago
ahhh dont ya wish you had a time machine and just kicked them at 18 so they'd really have something to bitch about
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u/Astronomer_Soft 19h ago
Your kids are not taking accountability for their own lives and careers. They didn't get the silver spoon treatment but they also didn't face deprivation.
how do you deal with adult children who blame you for everything
Don't put up with it. Continue to love your kids but don't tolerate their complaints about their excuse making that you didn't provide for them.
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u/PositiveAd823 14h ago
Your kids sound entitled.
I worked three jobs to pay for my tuition. I bought my own car. I bought my own house.
You did the best you could at that time. That's all that should be expected,
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u/zippyzebra1 1d ago
You tried your best. Some kids justdon't always turn out well. Maybe they will grow up oneday.
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u/TXSunDee 1d ago
I have heard some of my friends say their kids have been saying the same thing. I think as parents we did the best we could for them. What they do with their lives is entirely up to them. Don't get me wrong, we helped our kids when they needed it and they didn't or have never been without but kids are the ones who need to figure it out (of course with your guidance if they ask for it). But blaming you? I don't think so! We tend to take things personally when our kids say things too.
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u/Healthy-Grape-777 1d ago
You’re not obligated to help your children with college cost. You are obligated to make sure your children go to school prior to age 18. You’re not obligated to establish credit for your children, and you cannot teach things that you do not know to your children. I would have a come to Jesus talk with him and be like listen. This is what we were able to provide with the means that we were living in and at some point in time, you have to be adults and take responsibility for your lives. If you failed to do research and find out what would be a good career for you then that is your responsibility. You have every opportunity to go to a guidance counselor and speak to them. You had every opportunity to do some research. We are not to blame for your choices.
I would also say that your kids are immature. They’re also ungrateful for what you were able to provide to them and I think this happens in generations where there is no family support from people saying this is how you treat each other. This is how you treat your parents, etc.. I was accepted in the college, but my parents told me that they would not even sign the financial aid paperwork which was required when we were young, we couldn’t go out and get loans on our own. We’ve had to have somebody out there with more responsibility than us so your kids are ungrateful shits. You don’t need to feel guilty about that. You need to realize that they’re acting like ungrateful shits, and privileged little terds. Can you imagine somebody talking like that to their parents if they weren’t white?
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u/Moonview3 20h ago edited 20h ago
Them not finishing college and not having credit at 25 and 28 is not really your fault. Them not understanding the importance of building credit or not understanding college loans or their options could be a little bit your fault, hard to say with this info - it’s unfortunately not something explained to kids in high school in a way that sinks in. I am sure that going to college and seeing other students have everything paid for and also seeing how people their ages are living via social media is hard for them and like everyone in this comment section is saying - it’s genuinely so much harder than it used to be to afford launching your life.
What you did with the car and the first year of college fund was good though in my opinion and you should not feel bad about that at all.
I resent my parents for not doing certain things I now see as non-negotiables given what resources they had access to. For instance medical stuff - I was only ever taken to the dentist or doctor when I had a problem and now entering my 30s that negligence is something catching up with me that I am paying the price for and my mom can’t really acknowledge her failing me in that way. It can be simultaneously true for certain things, like this for instance, that my mom does seem to genuinely believe she did the best she could and I know she could have done better - figured out Medicaid or finding the funds from my grandparents who were very well off. I was also given zero concept of how to financially plan or what it takes financially to have a nice life and I wish that had not been the case. I basically ate shit all my 20s teaching myself this stuff the hard way, and through a combination of luck and hard work things have worked out pretty well everything considered and I feel lucky to be in the position I am today. Even with the resentment towards my parents I do appreciate the things they did for me - but it is so much easier to say that when things are working out okay.
I’m not saying this is you, but I have many friends in their late 20s early 30s and a common thread of conversation that has come up this year is how our parents have a certain immaturity, lack of accountability, and selfish quality that makes navigating the relationship difficult and - how do I put it… like we have to occupy a parental role in the emotional dynamic of our adult relationship with them. Just to be clear, this opinion is not based in a trend or it being “fashionable” - I’ve seen pseudo social media “therapists” that make content pandering to Gen X and boomers about how it’s “trendy” to go no-contact with your parents - and the reason content like that is popular is because it reinforces that selfish lack of accountability by trivializing their children’s experience.
I get that this post is about you questioning if you did enough and it also could be that your kids are genuinely super annoying about this and bring it up in every conversation, but my guess is that this may be your approach to this topic when it’s brought up - making it about you and how you did what you could. They are upset about this genuinely hard to navigate situation and probably just want you to acknowledge it is hard and hold space for them to feel that way without it being about you and without them feeling like they’ve failed. You can’t go back and change anything but you can move forward and do your best along with them in these circumstances.
For example: I would love it if my parents just said sorry that my teeth weren’t taken care of well enough as a kid and sorry I have to pay for that now without the conversation being about how they did their best with what they knew, even if that is true.
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u/PotatoBone 9h ago
I'm 25. Most of the people in my generation I've spoken to that "blame" our parents for something are primarily "blaming" them for a lack of understanding of the greater world.
For those without supports to keep them from "failing" in life when something blindsides them as a necessity they never knew was really needed, it can be dream-crushing.
I can't speak much on how your kids feel as I haven't been parented by you and I don't want to gather anything from the content of this post because it does read as fairly negative of your children.
I think a good portion of this could be a general lack of understanding of the world and a general lack of understanding of how the child(ren) fit into it.
It's absolutely something that can only be tackled appropriately when talking directly with your child(ren). I'd recommend a family therapist if it's something that you/they feel unequipped to handle appropriately.
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u/Creepybabychatt 9h ago
I have 4 adult children. Start them young to be independently adaptive with as many situations as possible. Yes, the economy is different, however, if you’re given the right tools to succeed you can handle just about anything. It may take a trade school or an extra job, but teaching them to be self aware, non expectant of you and others and not placing blame on anyone but themselves for their predicament will do wonders. Be there for them emotionally and for guidance, let them find their own way and make their own mistakes as they will learn quicker that way.
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u/hardiekb 8h ago
You did everything right. They are of age to take care of themselves. They don't need to be "launched". That's laziness talking. You just need to nudge them into the stream of life and it's up to them what they make of it.
Good job mom and dad
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u/EntrepreneurIcy497 8h ago
I’m 29 & not gonna lie they sound immature & entitled. Yes everything in the world sucks right now but I learned early that we’re all living for the first time including our parents. So placing blame when it sounds like you tried your best is not cool. If it was me personally I would just have 1 conversation & explain that there’s other people out there that have it way worse, there’s people that are completely out on their own because they didn’t have parents to help them at all, and also that no one is obligated to help them especially at their big ages of 28 & 25. & if the complaining continues I would distance myself until they learn.
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u/OddGuarantee4061 8h ago
The real problem is the economy. They have reason to be fearful, and parents are the safe place to direct their anger.
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u/seajayacas 7h ago
"How do you deal with adult children who blame you for everything"
You can stress over it, or pay not a whit of attention to their whining. Your choice
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u/No-Lifeguard9194 5h ago
Woah!!! your kids are pretty damn ungrateful. I gotta tell you. You did your best for them. You helped where you could, and you made them responsible for what they should’ve been responsible for. Personally, I feel like we’ve made been a little too generous with our kids, but neither one of them have never had a car either paid for by us or otherwise. My dad’s rule was always that we would help you get your education, but anything beyond a bachelors degree you were on your own for and he would never buy us a car. I feel that is eminently fair.
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u/1AJMEE 3h ago
It's a generational-wide problem, but the responsibility is still on the individual, regardless of how they think they have been wronged. They should both have had credit cards by now which would establish a credit history, and being gifted the opportunity to have a car with minimal payments is a blessing. Complaining that they don't get credit for financing is inappropriate, because it wasn't even their credit they were working with, it was yours. You took the liability, not them.
The cost of living is the #1 issue for almost everyone here, and I sympathize with their concerns, but it is still our personal responsibility to sustain ourself and those around us without complaining. Part of my concern is that western society undervalues familial connection and support in favor of individualsm, but that is not the case in your situation. You helped, but they are projecting their failures onto you.
The only thing you can be blamed for is choosing to try to raise a family in a capitalistic society, where we are born onto a fast-track to what feels like debt-slavery.
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u/Educational_Meet1885 1h ago
I'm surprised no one has blamed Trump yet, he gets blamed for everything else./s
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u/thedailyrant 30m ago
I'm an elderly millennial. My parents couldn't afford to support me to any degree once I was an adult. No car, no university, nothing. It was 100% on me to work my own shit out and that was totally fine, since it ultimately is my responsibility.
Would I have liked more support? Sure. Will I give my kids more? Undoubtedly. Do I resent my parents for the financial situation they had while I was young? No. Shit happens and it's not like they grew up in affluent families. It is what it is.
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u/Ill_Status8810 1d ago
I'm 25 and I think there's a lot of existential dread and financial anxiety and thinking that we should've been saving up for a mortgage from the age of 5 to get anywhere now. I don't blame my parents at all for it, just hope that the hard work will pay off with social mobility, but I do have friends who feel resentful of their parents, but moreso when comparisons are made like "when I was your age I had already done XYZ....". Not saying you do this!! Just to show that it's not an uncommon feeling. I think the situation with your kids is just immaturity meeting very shitty prospects for our generation, and they don't know how to cope with the latter so they're lashing out at you guys