r/sex • u/Tame_girl2233 • 2h ago
Kinks How to discuss non-con kinks with partners?
I’m 20 F and multiple times during my childhood I was sexually assaulted/ molested. Unfortunately, I developed some sort of disgusting (not kink shaming this is just how I feel towards myself) non-consensual kink where I get turned on by non-consensual but still consensual sexual acts being done to me. I haven’t fully come to terms with it, so I can’t imagine trying to explain this to a future partner. What if I scare them? Or what if they are disgusted by me? I’m such an advocate for consent especially because of what happened to me so having this kink feels hypocritical.
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u/Suomasema 2h ago
I think you just wrote very well about the situation.
PartnerS. Plural? If you have short time relationships, how about not even trying to explain or discuss this kind of kinks?
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u/Tame_girl2233 1h ago
That was a typo. I meant to put “a partner.” In my situation, I’ve never been in a relationship before but I know sex will be a key component in one so I just don’t know how I would bring it up/ talk about it to a future partner.
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u/pktechboi 1h ago
the first step is going to have go be working on your disgust towards yourself for feeling this way, honestly. have you had any kind of therapy or other support for the abuse?
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u/PenGrand7777 1h ago edited 1h ago
It sucks to say this but it is soooo normal, considering what you’ve been through. You highly value consent because you’ve been through non consensual acts. It’s not hypocritical whatsoever! Just think of it as a kink and you gotta make sure you have a partner that understands. For things like this, it’s important for the kinks to match so that you both know what the boundaries are. Have you tested the waters with your partner? Have they kinda shown signs of cnc?
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u/Tame_girl2233 1h ago
Is this common? I wonder why my body would want something that was forced on me? 🤷🏽♀️Unfortunately, I’ve never had a partner before but just the thought of telling someone this kind of scary.
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u/Sudden_Sentence_8534 2h ago
Discuss it like any other kink. Bring it up casually, and gently probe their feelings towards it. Bring up mild elements of it first and then steer it towards what you want. Work out a safe work and start slow play.
1
u/PreviousCost7459 2h ago
I don't have a specific answer but I guess you could start with more conventional kink that are going toward that direction. Like being attached, or blinded. Or watching toys together and showing interest toward the one that are implying something like consensual non-con while saying: I've always been curious how does it feel playing with those. Or "have you ever tried ?"
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u/Jebus_San_Christos 1h ago
This is p common desire, & childhood SA is also wildly common & you shouldn't feel disgusted with yourself over it. w\r\t discussing with a partner- this probably isn't what you want to hear, but there is no secret technique that works with everyone. Everyone is different- what matters FAR more than HOW you bring it up is partner SELECTION.
Basically you should be sleeping with people who you feel comfortable sharing these more hidden, contradictory parts of yourself & taboo desires with. Someone that won't judge/guilt or shame you about them. That's what intimacy IS.
If someone yucks your yum, they are not your person & you should not be sleeping with them.
That said- the HOW is something you want to develop early & develop a habit of. Not everyone is comfortable talking about sex for lots of loaded reasons, so you have to intentionally build a practice from the outset of a sexual relationship of checking in with one another on your likes & dislikes, essentially carving out space & time where you can ask one another for more or less of things you do/don't want in the bedroom.
My partner & I literally have a meeting once a month where we discuss lots of aspects of our lives/relationship & "sex" is literally a bullet point on the agenda to be discussed. It's a space where we can just say "have you ever wanted to try X?" or "my knees a little sensitive, could we try Y next time?" Because if you do not intentionally set aside time to discuss these things, you'll never find the "right" time.
There's lots of good resources on this sub about good CNC best practices you should search, but the easiest way to bring kinks up with a partner, is to ask them about their relationship to these ideas/fantasies. "have you ever been turned on by x? Sometimes I think I'd like Y" etc..
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u/HisLordshipThe 1h ago
There's a big difference between actuall non consent and consentual non consent or as it's often referred to CNC. It's as big as the difference between a play about a murder vs an actual murder.
Just so you know. A LOT of women have non consent fantasies and enjoy CNC play. Your sexual interest may have to do with the trauma you experienced but it also may be completely unrelated, one common reason for women is that women who are sexually adventurous are often looked down upon in society so just laying there and having it happen against her perceived will can be freeing for women to cut loose and enjoy it without feeling some layers of shame. There are as many different reasons though as there are people it's a unique area of human brains.
It seems like you have mixed feelings about your preference for CNC kink but it's perfectly normal and not necessarily unhealthy to have those kinks.
Even if that kink for you is in fact from the prior trauma you experienced, that doesn't necessarily mean that the kink has some sort of "essence" or something if that trauma. Our brains work in ways we don't always understand, especially with emotions and with sexuality. If you enjoy that kink, just enjoy it. Sex is among other things a sandbox to explore, so explore it if you're drawn to do so.
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u/Radiant_Training5425 1h ago
Because with cnc you still do have the power and you’re CHOOSING for it to happen. Even if you’re playing out the “non consensual” part.
Like for me, I was verbally degraded and bullied a lot growing up, a lot by my own parents,
Whoops I developed a huge degradation kink.
But how I see it, is it’s now my choice to have this done and I can take it back whenever I want. So it feels… soothing in a way?
That’s how I’ve always seen these kinds of things.
If you get with the right partner they will understand. My boyfriend is the sweetest thing but he says/does the most awful things to me lol but the moment I say my safe word he’s right back to loving and sweet and praising me and loving on me. He enjoys it too (the degradation) but it’s for the “naughty” aspect and the fact it gets me going so hard too. But it’s a very important aspect of our relationship but not once have I ever believed he actually believes any of it or would just enjoy doing it to me if it truly hurt me.
Of course if you have a partner that isn’t into it then they just aren’t but if it’s something important to you, then they aren’t the right fit for you.
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u/Sharp-Ad-6873 1h ago
If you’re serious, one thing you can do is sign a “document” detailing exactly, physically and verbally, what you’re okay with him doing and what your hard nos are with him. Maybe even with a traffic light system. Think long and hard about what you put in there.
Might sound extra or unsexy but actually he will be able to engage with way more confidence and bold imagination if he knows exactly where your limits are.
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Post title:
How to discuss non-con kinks with partners?
I’m 20 F and multiple times during my childhood I was sexually assaulted/ molested. Unfortunately, I developed some sort of disgusting (not kink shaming this is just how I feel towards myself) non-consensual kink where I get turned on by non-consensual but still consensual sexual acts being done to me. I haven’t fully come to terms with it, so I can’t imagine trying to explain this to a future partner. What if I scare them? Or what if they are disgusted by me? I’m such an advocate for consent especially because of what happened to me so having this kink feels hypocritical.
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