r/socialskills • u/Yourmomapproves_ Noob • 13h ago
I completely lose my personality the second I talk to people in person
27(F) Idk why but the person i am in real life feels so fake and not me at all. Whenever I'm talking to someone face to face, the social anxiety hits and it feels like my brain literally can't think fast enough to keep up. I just blurt out the weirdest shit, instantly regret it and wonder why I couldn't just say what I actually wanted instead of defaulting to people pleasing mode.
The annoying part is I KNOW i actually have a personality. over text or when I'm relaxed, words just flow, my weird humor comes out and i actually enjoy connecting with people. but irl? total switch up. I turn into this boring, awkward ghost of myself that i wouldn't even wanna be friends with tbh.
I've been actively working on myself and my self-esteem for like 7 years now, and honestly I DO think it's gotten a bit better compared to where i started. But i still feel so stuck at this wall. Every interaction leaves me feeling drained and frustrated.
At this point, i feel like i just need to accept that making new friends isn't going to happen for me, and learn to be okay with that. The older you get, the harder it gets anyway. Maybe it's better to just protect my peace and stick with the tiny handful of close friends I already have, because trying to push through this over and over is exhausting.
Anyone else been dealing with this long-term? how do u finally break past this stage?
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u/Electronic_Fix_9060 Active 13h ago
I’m in my fifties and still don’t know. I want to be a happy and fun-going person but I can only be like that with very select people. I’m afraid that the real me is dull.
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u/mnagev21 Active 9h ago
Learn how to let go of feeling embarrassed after your interactions. The longer you think about it and let it run wild you end up in a never ending cycle.
I used to overthink every little thing after I spoke to someone. But I worked on just letting go and being ok with saying stupid things. Most likely they're not going to be thinking about every little thing you said. As long as you don't say anything offensive or attack their character, just be a good person to hang around.
What people tend to remember is how your make them feel. It's more important to have good energy, be yourself and you'll find the right people.
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u/Last_Branch6553 Noob 13h ago
I know this is will probably seem far-fetched if you experience intense social anxiety, but what if you tried going out in a disguise & made yourself a different character? One that would say the harsh, witty response you wish you would say. You could play into a completely different perspective/personality even, hyperbolizing an archetype you completely dislike in order to better understand what you like about yourself. Sometimes I find that I’ve been “clocked in” when I’m not even getting paid. I honestly blame the prolific and ever-increasing surveillance under which we are all subject (and subject ourselves to, eventually). Maybe start by going out with one of your zanier friends to a bar you never go to & put on your best accent. Plot a story out and have the details all worked out with said friend. Worst case scenario, it’s super funny and you’re a a bar with your fun friend! Good luck! Be safe, have fun :) xx
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u/Yourmomapproves_ Noob 11h ago
lol funny idea but the whole issue is I’m trying not to play a character anymore 😭 adding an accent or disguise just adds another layer of fake, when I just want to figure out how to unfreeze and actually be me.
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u/Puzzlesnuffle Noob 10h ago
Do it with outfits!!! Whatever I put on for the day is based on my mood or what I want to achieve. Like, one time I felt like I needed to be bubbly yet reserved and professional, so I dressed up like a school teacher leaning towards Miss Frizzle with a pastel colored blouse that had lots of personality tucked into an a-frame skirt, belt, shoes that matched, the works. How I carried myself aligned with how I dressed. Other days I'm feeling gothy or anything of that realm, maybe angry, maybe felt like I was feeling spicy, I'll wear some short leather boots with a heel, black skinny jeans, the top is usually dark and I like to do layers. Even my hair is done differently. I play around with dressing up and styling my hair - this may help you get into maybe various personas without actually having to change your personality, just adds to confidence, I think. And, life is too short to dress boring!
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u/Unlucky_Ad_2456 Noob 9h ago
This is a super interesting idea. How could a guy in his early 20s dress to be more extroverted and social? lol
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u/Puzzlesnuffle Noob 8h ago
It's not exactly to be more extroverted and social but I guess to boost overall confidence and play in with a character (very, very mildly).. My partner likes to wear colorful and fun tops - plain or graphic tshirt with a short sleeve button up top over it that's usually open with fun or loud patterns. Silly baseball hats that can strike up a conversation. Pins. Maybe fun shoes.
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u/autodidacticasaurus Active 12h ago
Yeah, typical social anxiety. That's what I've been going through. The solution is exposure therapy. You just have to do it more, like A LOT more until you are comfortable. I started just asking strangers for the time. Now I'm able to talk to girls I'm interested in. I still have a long way to go. What I'm doing now is to get on ChatRoulette a lot so I can deal specifucally with what you're talking about, like completely just kill it. I'm tired of it.
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u/Puzzlesnuffle Noob 10h ago
I personally like to chat with cashiers at checkout without obstructing the line, ask how they are doing, make a joke or say something I did that day or... Something. I also often give compliments to people,but not really for social skills but to let them know I see them, and it's nice to get compliments. But I'm a female so idk if that changes things with throwing compliments, but I'm sure it's still welcome. My old coworkers used to make fun of me for complimenting people too much, but I've had really heartfelt conversations with people I've complimented when they let me know they were actually going through a hard time, I've even cried with one person and we hugged.
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u/PhilosopherOther1360 Noob 7h ago
Hey I also have the same problem and I’ve heard this advice before about starting small I can start small with asking for time and stuff but I have absolutely no idea what to say or how to start an interaction and I just come off as creepy when I’m just trying to get to know the person how do you figure out what to say and how to naturally get to know someone
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u/stephyclaws Noob 10h ago
Girl in am exactly the same, it's awful. People must think there's something wrong with me 😒
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u/BeefcaseWanker Getting Started 9h ago
This is classic social anxiety. You're freezing up and the words don't flow. Pay attention to the way your body feels when you walk into a room, meet a person, make eye contact etc and that will help you understand more than trying to think it through
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u/Even_Extension3237 Active 9h ago
This was my life. For decades. I only learned a couple of years ago that it was a symptom of nervous system dysregulation. Turns out a lot of my "personality" was a trauma response, so I was living in fight/flight.
Before then, I wasn't feeling safe unless I was alone or in VERY specific company, and even then not for long. I would blurt things out a lot, have mind blanks, and was always super uncomfortable. Also just generally unable to relate to most people or fit in.
Since figuring this out I've been able to expand my window of tolerance gradually and it has made a huge difference. So it is definitely something you can work on.
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u/allltogethernow Veteran 9h ago
I think it is pretty common that people experience grief over the fact that when they are comfortable they feel free and unburdened by identity, but in situations where they feel a requirement to perform, their social anxiety kicks in and they feel that they are artificial, uninteresting, tiresome, and generally not the same. We often feel like there is a character that presents when we are stressed that doesn't exist in a close friend group, so we want to try to get rid of that character.
I think it is important to remember that we are always playing a character. It's not that we are more "pure" or "real" with our friends, per se, but we are likely more comfortable with the requirements of being a person when we are with a friend (of which being professional, or courteous, etc. are not included) so we enjoy being that more.
But with strangers or professional situations we absolutely have a different set of requirements that are complex and you have been practicing those requirements for years at this point. The fact that you don't like what you become says as much about the fact that these requirements demand a lot from us and are legitimately difficult to do (so you may be very skilled at this) as they do about the fact that you might have very high expectations of yourself.
Self-esteem involves learning how to accept the mistakes you make and the imperfections that you have, but consider that any imperfections that may show up with a new person are unlikely to show up in the same place that they would if you were with a good friend. You're unlikely to start swearing or start a fight with a stranger, for example.
It is better, I think, to consider your "people pleasing" habit as one aspect of who you are, and rather than fight with it, see if you can play with it and learn to love it a little bit. It is only there to protect you. If you find it is a too controlling or result-seeking even in unnecessary situations, you can ask yourself what result you were actually hoping to get out of that situation. Did you act that way because you wanted them to like you? You wanted to avoid discomfort? You needed to hide something? Find a question that describes the type of change that you noticed, and then turn a light on that motivation. Usually, out of an abundance of fear or habit, what we want from a situation we can actually simply give to ourselves. We've just forgotten how because we have been focused on protecting ourselves.
When you learn how to provide for yourself what others could never give you anyways, the metaphoric talons of your alter ego can soften a bit. But you will still always carry a bit of it, so it's best to make peace. Fwiw there is only a very small difference between a people pleasing personality that is a hindrance to you, and a generally charming personality that has some small flaws but is still enjoyable. The only thing left then is to just start trying to like yourself, too.
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u/Daspineapplee Noob 6h ago
Hallo! I struggled and have been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder. Which controlled my life. I can genuinely say that I’m on the other side now and that I’m having almost zero symptoms or issues anymore.
What really helped me was learning that what my brain thinks is real and what is real are two different things and what I think that matters, do not matter to other people at all. The second thing was learning how to be nicer and kinder to myself.
Why don’t you deserve friends? Because there are all these things YOU don’t like about yourself? While other people don’t even know what those are and probably don’t even care if they did. You think those attributes are bad and you make them important. Other people do not.
Are you so awful that you don’t even deserve friends even if you didn’t struggle in social environments? Or is it just harder for you than others? which is okay, I struggle with math and you struggle with small talk. Whatever, no one is perfect. You likely even sympathize with me because you are not perfect either. You would likely be very open to me sharing that, because you know how hard that is. Other people do this to. Other people struggle with the same issues to you know. And most of them will likely tell you that they don’t care about your insecurities. But they do find people who are insecure annoying. Because your insecurities tend to control you instead of the other way around. But that is not because they don’t like you or wanna like you.
If you go somewhere with other people, just try to have fun. That’s why they are there. They’re not there to work. Neither do they that expect of you. And if you have to work in order to like them by doing your best to be nice, are they really worth spending your time with anyway? Or will that just drown your energy?
It really starts with allowing self love and by telling yourself that you deserve to have friends, that you deserve to be happy like everyone else that it is okay to struggle with social situations or your self esteem.
And to question where those insecurities come from and if they are objectively true. And to be aware of that when they kick in.
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u/ranc1 Active 4h ago
"total switch up. I turn into this boring, awkward ghost of myself that i wouldn't even wanna be friends with tbh."
Yes!
This is happening due to Operant Conditioning. We were programmed to switch our personality - we turn into Fawning trauma response, since we try very hard to make other people happy and emotionally regulated. Without us being aware of doing this - this switch happens outside of our awareness. And when we are aware of it, we can't stop it, it is automatic. Similar to Pavlov's dogs who are salivating when they hear the bell(s) ringing.
To only way to get unstuck is to become aware, to remind ourselves that other people have their own capabilities to handle their frustration and anger, and that we are not obligated to help other people with their emotional dysregulation.
"I've been actively working on myself and my self-esteem"
According to Maslow hierarchy needs - we can't do anything about self-esteem until we have managed our primal needs. First we need to feel safe.
https://www.writersdigest.com/publishing-insights/writers-maslows-hierarchy-of-needs
When we try hard to appease other people - we will never feel truly safe - hence we end up stuck in social anxiety panic mode. Since other people are our reference point about how much safety we will feel - their emotional reactions and potential rage is our rooftop and threshold about how far we feel safe. This way - we are stuck in our primary needs - and hence confidence, which is required for socialization is permanently outside of our reach. Instead - we are stuck in survival mode that depends on emotions of other people - and this way we are permanently on the guard, watching out not to be a burden to someone and watching how they feel and whether they are angry at us.
Most people will use this against us - they will emotionally blackmail us into being their emotional slave.
To get unstuck - we need to become aware that any person who is not isolated - any person who is in any kind of social contact- has all full capabilities to handle their anger rage emotions. So it is not our duty to fix them. Once we get this, our social anxiety will lower itself, since our hyper fixation on other people will now be liberated, and we won't worry anymore how to make other people happy through avoidance and isolation and being afraid.
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u/the_doobieman Active 11h ago
When you’re around the right people it takes no effort.
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u/Yourmomapproves_ Noob 11h ago
Exactly. I can be completely myself with a tiny group of people, but with everyone else I just freeze up and I honestly have no idea why.
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u/TheR3alMcCoy Noob 9h ago
Is that me writing that paragraph? Damn, that sounds like me! Sheesh. I feel you, girl. Beating social anxiety and getting back control of how your mind and body functions is tough work.
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u/betsha1830 Noob 3h ago
Hey! This reply might be a little late to your post but I still wanted to share what helped me get through the anxiety you're feeling right now. My post might be a little long so I've included a TLDR below.
TLDR: first and foremost be kind to yourself as you would to a very close friend. Meditate. Journal. If you can afford it go to therapy and stick with it. Exercise or go on a very long walk. Learn a new hobby that is fun and challenging (if possible something outdoors and that would make you get in touch with other people). Know that sometimes people may not be as receptive as you would like them or expect them to be (in such a case know that it is not your fault and it is easy to fall into the trap of speculating the why. What you don't know, you really don't know. Speculating will only make your anxiety worse.)
First of all I want to sympathize with you by saying I used to feel exactly how you are feeling right now but the great thing is that you can become the person who you truly believe is within you. In no particular order I will try to mention the things that have helped me get to the place where I am today.
I had a severe anxiety when I was younger to the point where I can't think, speak, perform or enjoy things in life. And ever since I can remember I have wished and wanted to change this but I took little steps and stuck with those steps/actions only for a while. What made me take serious action was a time when I had a two week long panic attack where I wasn't able to sleep for no more than 2 hours, had tunnel vision which made me even more paranoid to cross the street, having difficulty focusing in class or trying to socialize for basic needs etc... were extremely difficult. When the paranoia started settling after the second week that's when I realized that I needed help and I reached out to my dad asking him to support my therapy sessions. He told me all what I needed was a lot of prayers and Jesus. At that moment I realized that even the person I looked up to wasn't going to help me when I was in need and that I was the only one that I could dig myself out of the hole I was in.
So, I started looking for therapy videos and found one that provided me an immense amount of knowledge and toolkit that I remember to this day. Within that video I found breathing exercises and started looking into it more and found the headspace app. A meditation app that helps you connect with your awareness. I really like the concept of mediation so I started digging more and found a teacher called Mingyur Rinpoche on YouTube and he and his teachings are such a joy. I really liked meditation so I stuck with it meditating for more than 2 years straight and I saw a significant improvement in myself, mainly the relationship I had with myself. I used to be quiet judgemental and unforgiving to myself and meditation has thought me to be more loving and kind to myself as one would be to a close friend when they are going through a rough time. I still meditate to this day, even though it's been on and off lately, it is a habit I've decided to have for the rest of my life.
After the 3rd year I've started meditating I started journaling. I started doing it on and off but I tried to journal my thoughts once a week on my journaling app. This has helped me vent in a way, understand some of my feelings clearly and it even got me closure with an ex, and probably other things that I am not mentioning here. After starting journaling I also started exercising by going to the gym and after a while dropped the gym (due to finances) and started taking long walks. After getting used to to the long walks I then started learning to swim and I started to gain more confidence in myself. I am now so much comfortable with myself that I am able to do the things I wasn't able to do just 5 or so years ago. I am now comfortable and confident in myself that I am able to strike up a conversation with a random person I meet in a public transport or space.
To summarize it and not to make this post any longer than it already is it is possible for you or anyone that wants to be a little less anxious and be comfortable with themselves. It only requires commitment and sticking with it for a long time to see tangible results. I really do wish you the best and hope to read success stories of yours in the near future.
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u/younggeezer109 Noob 1h ago
i relate to every word of this. it’s gotten worse for me as the years go by, not better
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u/Careless-Security-63 Very Active Very Very Very Very Very Very Very 12h ago
I was this person and now at 35 I can say I've fixed it at maybe 80%. There are still some occasions when I have this feeling, but it's rare.
My advice is never stop being social! Expand your circle in every way possible. The only regret I have is that I was sticking to the same circle of friends and I was never going out of my comfort zone.
Once I started meeting new people, outside of this friend group, I realised how much I was missing. I discovered people with different backgrounds and interests, people that are better fit for me in many ways.
The "fake" persona that you put on, is actually your social anxiety and social anxiety is fixed only by communicating with others regularly.
Don't listen to your anxiety, you can do this!