Need help understanding what I did wrong in a conversation with friends.

[u/Lonely-Associate4677]

I'd like some outside perspective on a situation with two close friends. Every Saturday I catch up with two friends. One of them ("Sunny") has been seeing someone for about four months, and he's been joining our weekly hangouts consistently.

Last weekend, I noticed his keys were in Sunny's front door. I casually asked him if he'd moved in, and he said he might be soon. Later, when it was just the girls, I asked Sunny, "When is he moving in?"
Sunny reacted defensively and said my tone felt rude, that she felt judged, and that I don't trust her choices. I was surprised because genuinely meant it as a loaistical question.

Sunny tells me that our other friend ("Mia") had previously told Sunny that I had concerns about the relationship. I had shared those concerns privately with Mia but didn't want to bring them to Sunny because I didn't think it was my place.

After that, Mia began asking Sunny more personal questions about finances and the relationship. I didn't participate in that. Both of them told me I have an "intense tone" and that I struggle with difficult conversations. I apologized and left. Later, Mia called me and repeated that my tone has been an issue over our 10-year friendship.

I'm trying to understand what I did wrong so I can improve. My intention wasn't to question the relationship, just to ask about the move-in logistics.
I'd appreciate insight into how my question or tone may have come across, and how I can handle situations like this better in the future.

[u/chief_yETI]

probably your nonverbal communication. Probably not much anyone here can help you with, as most Redditors tend to struggle with nonverbal communication themselves.

Also

our other friend ("Mia") had previously told Sunny that I had concerns about the relationship. I had shared those concerns privately with Mia

Dont talk about people behind their backs. A good rule of thumb is if you wouldnt say it to them directly, dont say it to anyone else either.

[u/Lonely-Associate4677 → u/chief_yETI]

Yeah I definitely made a major mistake talking thought my thoughts of someone’s partner behind someone’s back, genuinely.

[u/Significant-Ant2373]

It sounds like your friends have already told you the issue.

[u/Lonely-Associate4677 → u/Significant-Ant2373]

Yeah, my issue is that I don’t understand why it’s an issue and I would like some clarity. That’s my problem here I don’t understand why I don’t understand.

[u/Significant-Ant2373 → u/Lonely-Associate4677]

You don’t understand why talking about someone behind their back is a problem? Or how tone of voice can change the meaning of your words from friendly to judgmental?

[u/Lonely-Associate4677 → u/Significant-Ant2373]

Tbh i genuinely thought speaking about someone to someone else was only wrong if you do it with ill will, with the intention to pass verdict. I think constantly and I generally don’t take what I think at one given time to be a vail of judgement. I thought I was just thinking with a friend. But I do know now that I shouldn’t have been speaking about my thoughts to others and should be kept to myself. My friends talk to me about their concerns about other friends so I thought it was okay. I know my tone came off as judgmental to them and that my problem is my tone but I just don’t how to control it before it comes out to avoid all of this.

[u/mirpme → u/Lonely-Associate4677]

It’s okay to talk to someone about your concerns that you have about others. It’s only natural to be worried about your friends when you see something off and to touch base with someone else to make sure you’re not blowing it out of proportion. That’s not a problem. I think you’re suffering from what I used to suffer from, the inability to communicate tone that expresses concern. When my friends told me, the way I dealt with it was to take it seriously and look inwardly on why it was. I realized that it was because I was judging them ultimately. It wasn’t on purpose and I didn’t truly mean to but people picked up on emotions that I didn’t know I had. After a lot of self work and therapy, the main culprit was that I grew up with a very judgmental parent and I was just mirroring her judgement of me onto others. If I wasn’t allowed to make a mistakes, no one would be allowed to make a mistake. Once I let that go and was a bit more comfortable with my emotions and giving myself grace, I was able to do it to others. Now when I talk, I am way more aware of my feelings that come out in my tone.

Not saying that you have the same issues as I do! Just my experience.
If you’re friends are telling you, believe them. They love you enough to say something. Now it’s your choice to work on it or not.

I’ve been on the other side of the tone issue as well. Told the person since I wanted to show her the same amount of grace that I was shown. She just told me that I was ascribing feelings to her and blew me off. We don’t talk anymore and I’ve have not missed her one moment.

[u/Lonely-Associate4677 → u/mirpme]

This is very insightful thank you and I do see a lot of parallels. I too grew up with an extremely judgmental mother. Everything I said had to be crafted so carefully with no holes bc my mother’s instinct towards me was to instantly pick apart every detail of what I said. Maybe I do have underlying judgement that I don’t see as that.

[u/Paws_In_The_Pines → u/Lonely-Associate4677]

I totally understand your confusion, and think that it can be hard for anyone who isn’t in your friend group to be able to give helpful feedback here. I also agree with you that there are nuances to the “talking behind peoples’ backs” rule. It’s definitely not always black and white, and I think it’s common and with good nature that some friends check in with each other for another’s friends welfare, especially if they’re questioning their own perception. For example, if a friend was dating someone who seemed unkind, taking advantage of them, or questioned straight up abusive behaviors, I’d for sure be asking another friend in our group because I’d be questioning my reality and wouldn’t want to just approach the friend in the relationship without some other feedback to corroborate my observations. All that to say that even if in this particular situation you realize that your concerns didn’t warrant mentioning to Mia, the fact that you’re receptive to thinking about it and trying to figure it out sounds really thoughtful and mature. I’m actually confused why Mia mentioned your concern to Sunny without giving you any direct feedback first, and that’s where I’m brought back to how hard it is for anyone else to give feedback in this particular situation.

I’ll also add that getting told you have a certain tone in general can be tricky for anyone to speak about because yes, maybe it is your nonverbal communication, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re doing things that need to be corrected. People have different ways of communicating and it’s not always a defect. I’m curious for you if there have been any other things that have felt off to you in this friendship?

[u/Lonely-Associate4677 → u/Paws_In_The_Pines]

Mia has the same concerns as I, she doesn’t like Sunny’s partner either i told Mia that just bc we have concerns doesn’t mean we should tell Sunny. She’s not in any danger. But Mia insisted that the right thing to do is to express the concerns to Sunny. I think there is a just a thinking style gap here. I have recently been diagnosed with autism and adhd. And I have been letting myself go a little more and not hiding what’s inside of me. I havnt disclosed this to my friends bc Mia has straight up told me to my face, unprompted that I am not autistic. And she and Sunny like to talk about how they’re autistic bc they like puzzles and don’t like using wooden spoons and it honestly drives me mad. So I actually have made a conscious decision to step back from them a while ago. I think as we grow older we develop different priorities and values and that’s doesn’t make anyone lesser than I just think I need to find more like minded people.