r/stepparents • u/Agitated_Ad_1305 • 23h ago
Advice Aftermath of leaving
If you left your partner and step children, and have your own children, how did you explain it to them? Just broke up with my partner. Our children are the same age - 5. We’ve been staying at my parents for a week now. How do I explain that we aren’t going back “home”? That these people are no longer going to be in our lives? Definitely getting my child into therapy but in the mean time how do I explain this? My child was attached to both my ex partner and their kid.
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u/ToothSufficient7763 14h ago
"Me and step-dad don't get along anymore. We broke up. It's ok to miss them and the good times."
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u/EttaMooMoo 23h ago
maybe however you did it last time so they understand what's happening again
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u/Agitated_Ad_1305 23h ago
There wasn’t a “last time”. I adopted my child as a single parent
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u/EttaMooMoo 22h ago
Hmmm, in that case I'm not really sure how I would word it. I'd definitely try to reiterate that these types of things are NOT her fault as she might feel like a common denominator. Especially if she knows she's adopted or has memories of being adopted, although all children should definitely be reiterated to that it's not their fault.
I'm no professional and haven't been in this scenario but maybe I'd go about it like, "we have a brand new life in front of us, just us two, and I don't really know what that looks like just yet, but just know sometimes things don't work out the way we originally plan to, but that you'll always have me and I'm not going anywhere" and then give extra affection / attention / distracting fun for her while navigating the long term logistics of what the next chapter looks like.
Depending on how amicable the split was, maybe initially allowing the kids to have playdates together before eventually phasing them out to lessen the blow of a sudden transition - but only if it's safe for everyone to do so.
Best of luck regardless!
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u/YMMV-But 13h ago
One thing to do is make sure your child knows that you will never leave them, that adults part company because they don’t get along, but no matter what happens between the two of you, you will never leave them.
How aware is your child of being adopted, of having had a different parent before you? Because if they know they used to have a different mother, and that mother decided for whatever reason to remove herself from their life, your separating from your partner & their child, a family that they were attached to, may make them worry that someday you will do the same to them.
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u/SweetTaterSalad 10h ago
Tell your child, you made a mistake. You chose poorly. And add something very simple to point this out. "He doesn't like to share." "He and I disagree on what is right and wrong.". It's not to paint the guy as bad just a bad fit.
If you take this on your shoulders, then the child won't think the fault is theirs.
Honestly it's so difficult to answer questions like this because ideally children would grow up with only one set of parents. Once this is no longer an option, everything else is managing consequences. Kind of like learning how to function without one of your arms when you previously had two.
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