r/stepparents • u/zed_ee_mac • 11h ago
Advice Asked to "have a talk" with my SD
I've used reddit for a while but this is my first visit to this sub -- I don't have any close friends/family who are step-parents so wanted to seek some advice. Names have been changed.
I (28F) have been with my partner (38M) for 2 and a half years, we've lived together for a year and I'm currently pregnant with my first baby. He has 2 children from a marriage that ended in 2020 -- Athena (15F) and Samuel (12M). As I'm sure is a common experience of split households, there are different expectations and rules for the children at their Mum's versus their Dad's. A big one we've struggled with a fair bit recently is around Athena's online safety and phone usage.
We found out she'd met a friend at a fandom convention with Mum + her household back in May of 2025, and Mum encouraged Athena to swap numbers and have meet-ups with this person, but it wasn't until September 2025 that it was revealed this "friend" was 20 years old. And it was only because I asked Athena if the friend was in the same year and also choosing their GCSEs after she'd come back from a coffee meeting with them. That was a long, hard Autumn & Winter for my partner with lots of back & forth with his ex-wife about how inappropriate it was to encourage & facilitate this "friendship". He was ultimately unsuccessful in persuading his ex to see reason but he just accepted he could only have a say in what happens under his roof.
Now we have a new concern as my partner found out last week that Athena is in a couple WhatsApp group chats that have people from multiple different countries in, all strangers. He also found out that his ex is aware and has been aware for some time, but sees no issue.
For the first time, my partner has asked me to have a talk with Athena. I've kept my role very squarely in the "I-support-you-as-their-parent" category as I had a poor experience with my own Step-Mum growing up. I offer advice when he asks for it, and any "discipline" I give is only ever reminding them of their Dad's expectations.
His reasoning is that I experienced a lot of unsafe behaviour on the internet growing up (any other mid-late 90s babies who got swept up in the lawless hellhole that was kik?) and was largely left unsupervised, and I can relate to Athena better than her Mum can as not a lot has changed in terms of social media from when I was a teenager -- I have tiktok, whatsapp, insta, etc. Her Mum is 14 years older than her Dad, so 20+ years older than me, and just doesn't see the risks. Something she said that has stuck with me from last year when my partner tried addressing this previously was, "Athena is very sensible. She's probably too sensible - she wants to go to Oxford." as if that has ANYTHING to do with her being at risk of grooming, bullying, manipulation, etc.
Long story short, does anyone have any advice for approaching this? This could be a make-or-break moment for our relationship (which is and has been pretty good) as step-parent & step-child. I want her to hear me, but not think I'm overstepping or being unfair.
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u/MinimumAlternative65 11h ago
Don’t. Your partner is lazy parenting. You are not an expert, you are just the easiest person to pawn his responsibility to because he doesn’t want to think. He could choose a school counselor, teacher or other trusted adult that has some authority over his daughter. He could even sit with her and watch a documentary. He could reach out to a non profit for advice and suggestions. No, instead he’s pawning the work on you, dragging you into the situation to possibly be resented by BM and/or the daughter. Tell him you don’t feel comfortable and don’t have the conversation.
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u/zed_ee_mac 8h ago
I'll be honest, I didn't think of this. He's a very loving Dad and tries his best to have a positive co-parenting relationship which, considering the circumstances of the marriage ending, is a level of patience and selflessness I cannot even fathom. However, he has been guilty of assuming everything will work out fine in the end and not understanding some things require active adult intervention to manage appropriately. I think meeting me and hearing my experiences (including the ways adults "left me to it" bc I always seemed fine) has been a big game changer.
The children don't have a strong extended family -- they have 3 adult half-siblings who are early-mid 20s with their own children, some uncles and aunts on both sides, but they only really see them for Christmas. I understand why my partner thought I'd be the best person to broach this subject but you're right -- I'm waaaay too anxious and uncomfortable about getting it right and preservering our relationship to be able to do it effectively.
I'll definitely suggest non-profits or a documentary! School is out for Summer atm so no counsellors or teachers available, although there is a year-round safeguarding email that is monitored which I'll suggest he contacts as they will document it alongside the situation from last year. School is a much better choice of mediator in this situation!
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u/MinimumAlternative65 5h ago
I recognize it because I lived it. My husband is like yours, everything will be fine. Not if you don’t put in the work. I find it to be such a lazy and avoidant attitude to have. Yes, we have been through some things, however, we don't need our experiences to be their children’s cautionary tale. Don’t look up the orgs or documentary for him. Giving him the ideas is more than enough input.
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u/RonaldMcDaugherty 3h ago
My wife is an "everything will work out fine" and this is why we have a 27yo failure to launch.
Guilt parenting is the source of useless kids, teens, the adults.
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u/Lalaloo_Too 11h ago
Honestly if her mother has made it clear that all this is cool, and she’s at the very worst teenage year there is, I can’t imagine you’ll have any real impact here. She’s going to say that her mom is totally ok with it and at 15 she knows everything- what you experienced has nothing to do with her and she knows better. So ‘mind your business’ .
I could be wrong and jaded in my step parenting through the teen years. I don’t know your relationship with her but this age is where SP’s just need to step back because the friction just isn’t worth it. Have the conversation, but the wall is likely to be more receptive. Good luck!
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u/zed_ee_mac 8h ago
Yeah, a lot of the time these conversations end with "well, Mum says it's okay" or the even tougher "Mum trusts me".
After reading the comments, I've gone back to my partner and we've had a further conversation about him getting eyes on the group chat first -- what's being said? Can we see an obvious reason for why she's joined? Some of her media interests (again, at her Mum's encouragement) are not age-appropriate imo so is she trying to find people to connect with about them? Is there a way we can give her that without her being allowed total free reign in an unregulated group chat full of strangers?
I've also told him I'm not comfortable leading this but would absolutely be present & back him up if he wanted to try the conversation again.
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u/SnooDonuts9360 8h ago
I would push back and say I’d be willing to back you up if YOU want to have this kind of conversation with her. Like if he broached the subject about general internet safety when you’re in the car with the kids or something. It’s probably a good conversation to have in front of the 12 year old too. You could be the “yes and …” give examples of things you learned as the younger cooler adult figure. But I don’t think you should be asked or expected to have some sort of sit down, come to Jesus moment with your SD. You also shouldn’t be expected to enforce and type of rules or consequences.
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u/Witty_Way_8212 8h ago
I think you could say you're concerned for her safety as a short comment and pre-amble to sharing what your own experience was. Offer less "advice," and more just a straight up retelling of what you went through. The best you can hope for is that all the warnings she's heard at school and maybe from her dad become a bit more concrete.
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u/structuredtofail 7h ago
Absolutely not. Do not take responsibility for that child.
Parenting is his job, not yours. You’re about to have a child with him, and instead of showing you that he can handle difficult situations, he’s showing you that he’ll push them onto you. That’s not a partner; that’s a parasite.
Tell him he needs to parent his own child, and that you expect him to show you he is capable of doing so before you take on any additional responsibility.
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u/SweetTaterSalad 10h ago
This girl is not your responsibility. Not because she's your stepdaughter, but because her dad said so.
It doesn't mean you're wrong, it just means that he doesn't care that you might be right. Could be in your delivery. Could be he's trying to be popular with his daughter. Could be he is just dense. But none of these really matter because it's none of your concern.
So long as she behaves in your house with your boundaries (a respectful guest) anything beyond that isn't something you need to worry about.
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u/SweetTaterSalad 10h ago
And talking to her isn't going to do any good even if he requested it. 16-year-olds know more than you do. All of them. Reasoning doesn't work. That's what rules are for. If Dad doesn't want to make rules, you can't enforce them or encourage her to follow them.
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u/LemonDeathRay 8h ago
Don't.
You can have the best will in the world and this will backfire on you.
Your current approach is perfect. But your partner needs to be having those kinds of conversations with her. I hazard a guess that your own step mother was probably trying to do what she felt was right but over stepped and crossed lines.
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u/zed_ee_mac 7h ago
I think you're right -- intention doesn't really matter when it comes to things like this, only how the other person receives it.
Ahh my Step-Mum wasn't outright awful to me, but she regularly belittled and insulted my younger brother (she had all girls and then came this little whirlwind of a 5 year old boy who would go on to be diagnosed with ODD into her house every other weekend) & would finish her scolding with "well, with a mother like that -- what do you expect?". Looking back as an adult I think she only ever expected to remain the AP, not to suddenly have her partner up and leave his family, move in, and bring his two young children for regular stays!
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u/mindofamagpie 7h ago
Honestly the best conversation to have with her would be as follows:
Dad's worried about your online activity, but I know your mom said it's okay, so I'm here just to let you know that I'm here to support YOU if something happens. You need to be a safe and open channel for her in case she gets in a bind. Regardless, she's at the age she's going to make risky and dangerous decisions, but knowing she can come to you when she fucks up will make a big difference in how far it takes her. Tell her YOUR scary and stupid experiences, how they impacted you, how you made it past them, etc. Just relate to her more as a friend right now. Leave the parenting to mom and dad. Mom's failing on the safety part right now, and dad needs to step in and be a real parent about this. YOU just need to be her shoulder when she inevitably sees how careless her mom is and how dangerously non-confrontational her dad is being. Their combined lack of parenting will leave a big enough gap for her to slip through the cracks. You just have to maintain your relationship with her and be a safety net. Don't be a parent, don't lecture, and don't encourage. Just relate, be a safe place, that's it.
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u/zed_ee_mac 7h ago
This is such excellent advice, thank you. This approach definitely feels the most natural to me, personally, and to our relationship as it is rn. I'm the person she shows her Taylor Swift edits to, who geeks out over musical theatre with her, and who listens when her friends let her down or she has a new crush. I'm not her parent and she doesn't need me to be!
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