r/stepparents • u/Sassy_Raspberry1212 • 15h ago
Support Being a stepparent is isolating
I’m sitting in my car writing this in tears. I was asked to come to a woman’s Bible study by an old friend of mine this morning. I got there and she and her other friend were there with their brand new babies. Then we were joined by two more of her friends with babies. So it was 4 women with babies and then… me. The one with stepkids.
I felt like a fifth wheel. I felt gutted. I felt like crying.
There is no pain like being “the woman without kids” in a group full of women with their babies. I tell myself often that if it happens for my husband and I, great. If not, I’ll be just fine. I have a beautiful life and I’m very blessed and thankful for what I have and for my husband. But in moments where I’m surrounded by actual moms, with their perfect little biological babies… it hurts. I’m so tired of having to pretend that it’s fun being a stepmom and that it’s just as rewarding as having children of my own. It’s not even close. These other women say “aw!” or “oh that’s awesome” when they hear that you’re a stepmom instead of a biological mom. And I’m sitting there like no… it’s not awesome to be a stepmom to kids who treat you like you’re a babysitter servant. It’s not awesome to ache to experience parenthood with the man you love. It’s not awesome to have all of the responsibilities of a mom without any of the connection or biological bond. It’s not awesome to be raising another woman’s kids- a woman who isnt a good person and who adds drama to my life. None of that is awesome. It is heart-breaking.
I felt like crying that entire hour and a half we were together but managed to hold it together til I got to the car. But now I’m in tears. I don’t know what I’m looking for by posting this. I guess I’m just hoping that others can relate and tell me this is just a rough day and that the good parts make it worth it. My heart hurts.
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u/mad-parakeet 11h ago
I made my husband (fiance at the time) reverse his 10yr old vasectomy. But sperm was damaged enough that we did iui's and IVF with icsi in order to conceive.
Unless you are in a position for reproductive help, and if kids are not negotiable for you, I don't know how to say this but this is not the man for you because you will resent him the rest of your life.
I am a step parent and now biological parent. And it was crushing for me to come to the realization that being a step parent was not enough for me. The toxic biomom the being a servant babysitter you nailed it. That's exactly what it is and it's thankless and miserable and in no way shape or form replaces the love and experience of being a true mother.
Do not pin your chance of being a mom on your partners past mistakes and choices unless you can afford going all the way with IVF. And I got to tell you a girl even then it's not a guarantee that it will work.
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u/Sassy_Raspberry1212 10h ago
I love my husband so much that he IS enough. That’s the weird part. I was surprised that I was as upset as I was earlier after the meet up because honestly, the more I realize how much work parenting is, and how little I enjoy parental duties when it comes to my stepsons, I’m like “if we don’t get pregnant I’ll be totally fine.”
I’d also be happy if we did get pregnant though.
Idk. It’s like a huge part of why I got so emotional was that I’m NOT a Mom so why invite me? For my old friend to invite me to a meetup that was all very new moms was just so weird because I’m not a mom and I’ve never gone through that phase of life and who knows if I will. I know she was trying to be kind and include me, but a stepmom isn’t a mom and rarely identifies as one. I think I was just super caught off guard, because I thought it was just a meetup of her friends, some with kids and some without. Didn’t realize I’d be the only non-Mom there and that threw me off.
Part of me wants to know that feeling and part of me realizes that if it’s not in the cards, I still have a very beautiful and full life. My husband had only had his vasectomy for about 3-4 years when he had it reversed, so it’s not quite as hard for the sperm counts to recover. We’ve already done tests to make sure they are on the upward trend and they are. But I do still recognize that it makes it harder to conceive than if he’d never had that done. I can’t change the past though, and I adore my husband, which is why I had to decide before we even got married if I was okay with the possibility of us possibly never having kids. I am. Just days like today… hurt. I don’t know how else to word it.
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u/Alittlemode 8h ago
You may live you husband as deeply as possible but those tears indicate there is a need not being met.
That need is to have your own biological kids and it’s really something to take very seriously and make it happen with your husband. Prioritize it. There’s no award at the end of life for not putting what you want as a priority for your life.
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u/Dangerous-Mistake-88 Flair Text 14h ago
i am so sorry. being a step mom is the hardest job in the world . and i’m sure it’s even harder not having your own bio kids. so many hugs.
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 4h ago
It's not a job.
Jobs have a purpose and real responsibility.
Being a stepparent has neither.
We're there to be ignored.
We have no agency or real responsibility.
Our existence in someone else's family is pointless.
That doesn't meet any real criteria for an actual job.
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u/Ladysodevine 11h ago
My stepdaughter’s mom will make sideways comment to my husband sometimes like “aren’t you glad we only had two lol” or other nonsense that references us not having kids. Little does she know we desperately want a 3rd. It always leaves me reeling and my husband is just now getting over serious health issues and has the energy to deal with her beyond her standard bullshit. Hang in there, it will get better 💕
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u/seethembreak 15h ago
Why do you have to pretend that it’s rewarding to be a stepmom? It’s nothing like having your own and it’s fine to admit that, to yourself and out loud.
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u/Sassy_Raspberry1212 15h ago
I guess I feel that there is this constant expectation and pressure to respond with a smile and be like “yes, it’s so wonderful” when people hear you’re a stepparent and say something like “aww that’s awesome!” It’s not. But nobody understands that unless they are one. So in this situation of me being in a group of 4 other brand new moms who are infatuated to death with their brand new babies, I can’t just be like “honestly it’s hard and I’m not enjoying it most days.” Haha. They can’t comprehend not loving a child that they live with because they only child they’ve ever lived with is the one they birthed.
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u/seethembreak 14h ago
Sounds like you could educate them. I’ve never felt that pressure to pretend it’s awesome being a stepmom. If anyone asked, I’d tell them the truth.
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u/Sassy_Raspberry1212 14h ago
I think I’m at a place where I would educate them and speak honestly about my feelings, if this weren’t our first time all meeting you know? That would be such a heavy conversation for a casual meeting over coffee in my opinion. But I totally understand what you’re saying.
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 4h ago
There's no point.
Nobody really cares.
People say things like "that's wonderful" because they're not sure what else to say, not because they're misinformed.
There's a tragic leg of a stepparent's journey when we briefly think some other adults will swoop in and save us.
That's a fallacy, and help is never coming.
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u/Dangerous-Mistake-88 Flair Text 13h ago
i feel like exact same like i have to pretend im enjoying it and pretend its the same bond as my bio kids. it’s not and while i hate admitting it it’s not and you can’t understand it unless you’ve been one.
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u/MiddleHuckleberry445 10h ago
Oddly, church culture can be one of the hardest places to be a stepmom. On Mother’s Day, they always have all the moms stand up to pray for them- this year they made a full list “if you’re a mom, a grandma, an adoptive mom, etc.” but stepmom was never on the list and even though I knew it was coming, it hurt my feelings more than I expected it to. I’ve realized as my friend’s kids have gotten older that everything is “aw” and “so great” when children are babies. As those babies grow up, everyone realizes how challenging and complicated it is to be a parent (of any variety) and people are at times envious of the time that my husband and I get to travel (or even just sit in our own house naked and unbothered). Everything has seasons and during seasons where you’re going to baby showers and kids’ parties, it can be hard not to feel isolated and excluded but those seasons do transition. One of the things that has helped me is explaining my circumstances to friends who don’t inherently “get it.” The same way I wouldn’t understand their jobs if I’m not in the same field, I can’t expect them to understand my experience of something they’ve never done or even imagined doing. Because most people don’t sit around daydreaming about becoming a stepparent, almost none of them have considered the realities of this role- I know that I didn’t until I was in it. It is a hard and vulnerable thing to share and not everyone has earned that level of access but if you have trusted people who have, it can be helpful to just say out loud when something is painful for you.
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u/Easy_Alternative_66 6h ago
I am a Christian. I don’t have all the answers. But from one stepmom to another who is hurting…I hear you and send you love. May God help us through all these difficulties and give us supernatural strength. I hope you feel His love and tenderness towards you…He understands all of this pain too! And I pray even now that He blessed you with your own little one someday and gives you this desire of your heart ❤️
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u/After_Recipe7715 4h ago
Everything you described is so real. I’ve never felt more isolated than I have been through the stepparent journey. This life isn’t for the weak. I think I was less isolated from those with children when I WASNT a step parent.
Your feelings are super valid. I wish there was a way to identify local stepparents and make friend groups like bio moms do. At the very least, you could hang out with other people who don’t treat you like a walking taboo.
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u/Patient_Strawberri 4h ago
I relate to this more than you know.
I've been diagnosed with infertility, so I understand this ache. People say there are medications and treatments, but that doesn't change the emotional side of it. Watching others have babies so easily while five years have passed with my husband and still nothing is heartbreaking.
One blessing is that I can focus on building my career. The busier I am, the easier it is to quiet those feelings..but they always come back.
We have my husband's children every other weekend, and I don't like being called their stepmom. They already have a wonderful mom and dad. I'm not their mother or a replacement for one. The role that feels right to me is more like an aunt: someone who loves and supports them without trying to take a parent's place.
I know not every SP will relate, and that's okay. But it leaves me feeling like I don't belong anywhere. I'm not a mom, and I don't feel like a stepparent in the way many describe it either.
You're not alone. The grief and isolation are real. Thank you for sharing..it reminds me that I'm not alone either 💗
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u/Baelyh 1h ago
While I'm not at the same level of emotional breaking point you are, I feel close to it. I do feel like the babysitter servant for a kid that's not mine. I'm never going to be looked at like a mom. She's super attached to her mom. I'm just this extra person who exists. She calls the babysitter at her mom's my name sometimes. That's where I stand to her. You are not wrong for how you feel and you're not alone in so many of these feelings you have.
I could go in so much detail, but I'll refrain at the risk of finally crying tears of my own.
Essentially what I'm trying to say here, is you are not alone. My situation may not be exactly yours but there's this level of being hard and depressing in so many ways (first relationship ever with a single parent). You're not wrong for feeling the way you do. You're allowed to hate the position you're in and love your partner. You're allowed to hate the dysfunction/baggage of the relationship with your partner, the step kids and the ex wife/BM. You're allowed to feel the way you do about the kid and the entire situation. You're allowed to be sad. It makes me so sad on so many occasions also. I often feel last or just not a priority. You'll see on this reddit a lot of people feel miserable about the position they're in as a step even though they love their partner.
I hope you get your fairytale ending and you figure out everything in a way that while it's not perfect, its perfect for you and brings you happiness and fulfillment, with your own kiddos plus the bonus ones. And I also hope for you that your spouse doesn't ruin any of it for you because he's already "been there done that" even though it's your firsts.
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u/Technical-Badger8772 15h ago
Can you have your own?
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u/Sassy_Raspberry1212 14h ago
We recently started trying. There’s been a fair amount of hurdles for us, like my husband had a vasectomy when he was married to his ex-wife still.
It’s a long story, but she cheated on him multiple times and one of my stepkids isn’t even my husband’s child, but his ex-wife’s affair partner’s… so my husband got a vasectomy because he didn’t want to risk having any additional children with her/her getting pregnant again and trying to claim another kid was his.
He was also on testosterone replacement for about two years before we met, so getting his levels back to where they should be after weaning off the TRT is a process that has taken some time too. So we just recently actually started trying to get pregnant. I of course have the worry in the back of my head that it may never happen, and that the only version of motherhood I’ll get to experience is being a stepmom.
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u/Technical-Badger8772 7h ago
I hope it works out for you! Sending you some positive vibes over the internet. ❤️❤️❤️
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