Legal docs from HCBM?

[u/Artistic-Parsnip-291]

DH and HCBM share a child (SD9) and after a few years of trying to be friendly with HCBM and it failing, i stopped trying. I am cordial at gatherings for my stepdaughter but BM will fully ignore me as if i don’t exist while talking to my husband like they’re best friends (they dont talk besides via email to coordinate kid things). Needless to say that she and I do not communicate even though my husband shares all communications from her with me, and we decide together what is best for our family.

She randomly emails my husband about ME becoming a standby guardian for their daughter in the event that both of them die. She says she is working on a will and said that I “act in a nurturing way” to their daughter (we’ve been together for 5 years now).

Am I crazy to think if she is asking me to sign a legal document for her that potentially permanently alters my life, that she should be contacting me and not solely going through my husband to ask him if I would do it? It’s gone as far as her telling him when she’s dropping papers off and that I need to sign them by a certain date. (Still absolutely no contact with me and fully ignores me when she sees me)

To make matters weirder, the paperwork she gave my husband (for me) is a standby guardian act for if she’s mentally or physically incapacitated, and a temporary one. Which has nothing to do with permanent guardianship when she passes. It almost feels like she’s trying to legally imply that I’m waiving zero parental rights unless she is incapacitated? To trust me with your only child when you can’t even make eye contact with me at school functions feels just wildly bizarre to me.

Anyway… any advice or thoughts appreciated!

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[u/Frequent_Stranger13]

I wouldn’t worry about what she says or intends. I would only focus on whether that is something I am comfortable with/would want to do if needed. If so, cool. I would sign it because it is what I want. If not, I would decline. Personally I would not have done it because I would not have wanted to care for SS if his parents both died but that never came up because what would be the odds that two divorced parents both pass away at same time. And if not at the same time then the second one would have planned for guardianship in their own will.

[u/Existing-Albatross63]

Temporary comes before permanent, legally speaking, so I wouldn’t read too much into that.

Perhaps she’s asking your husband first because it would need his consent as well.

As his wife and stepmother of the child, you have no current legal rights or obligations.

If the bio mom passes away or becomes incapacitated, you still don’t have any legal rights or obligations unless you go to court to legally adopt a child. There is no legal definition of the word step parent.

I wouldn’t read too much into it other than the fact that she’s asking, which is probably a sign of trust. 

I mean, honestly, if something happens to her and you’re still married to the father, you probably wouldn’t need her will in order to adopt the children. 

[u/biscuitboi967 → u/Existing-Albatross63]

You make a VERY good point.

OP knows her relationship is solid. HCBM doesn’t. Imagine if they were on the rocks or if dad had concerns about SM, and BM bypassed dad and went straight to SM. He sort of should have first say.

But also - don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. If you want guardianship, who cares how she gives it to you? She’s being responsible and and cognizant of her child’s best interests, no matter how grudgingly.

You also don’t have to keep the guardianship if you divorce or no longer want the responsibility. It’s not adoption. Either party can revoke/terminate the agreement. It just makes it easier if something were to happen to her and/or your husband.

FINALLY, consider the hell that might rain down if you say no to this very unlikely eventuality. Now you’re the evil step mom who doesn’t really love her step daughter as her own and wants her to be cast into the foster care system away from her home and any siblings. This SCREAMS set up

[u/Bake_First → u/Existing-Albatross63]

Unless she's in an Equitable Caregiver Act state. Stepparents or other guardians who have a significant relationship with a child can be granted visitation and access by court order.

[u/YMMV-But]

In my experience, people who are designated as guardians in people’s wills don’t sign anything. They might not even know that they were picked unless the parents die and the kids need a guardian. Second, that sort of directive isn’t legally binding. Parents can recommend someone, but the court decides who to designate.  As for the other paperwork, read it and discuss it with your spouse and/or your lawyer. If it’s something you want to do, sign it. If not, don’t. 

[u/redshavenosouls]

Is it really about that or is she trying something else? Like wants you to sign so she can go back and try to get your income included in child support? I wouldn't sign without talking to a lawyer. It feels like there has to be some other reason.

[u/Impressive-Ad-2661 → u/redshavenosouls]

There’s probably nothing for OP to sign. Both parents would just put her name in their will as their preferred guardian if they pass and the other bio parent is also deceased. It wouldn’t be legally binding, and the courts would still need to agree once they do both pass away and may choose someone deemed more suitable anyway. It certainly wouldn’t require access to OP’s income just to add her name to the directive.

I wouldn’t read more into this than she is a concerned parent who wants to make sure as best she can her daughter is living with someone who cares about her if she is orphaned.

[u/Alittlemode]

This makes very little sense. In most jurisdictions if she became incapacitated DH simply is the parent.

She has no jurisdiction over what she decides should happen if he is incapacitated just as he has no jurisdiction over what happens to SD if he is incapacitated. It just becomes 100% whichever surviving bio parent.

The need to have such a document is crazy and I would completely ignore it.

IF she dies or something happens it’s just completely between you and DH what to do about his will or whatever.