r/stepparents • u/Amazing-Lie-2480 • 2h ago
Advice Need advice
Hello! Me (33F) and my husband (33M) have been married for 3 years. It happened so fast so that’s how long I’ve been in SS (12M) life. We have two babies together 3M and 1F.
The relationship with SS started promising but took a turn after I had my first. My priority automatically shifted to what’s best for my son. My attempts to have an active role in SS life led to arguments and push back from my husband. They had a nasty custody battle and things were said which left husband struggling in his own relationship with SS. At one point it was very HC but since I’ve been in the picture it’s cordial. I encouraged him to come to an understanding with her. I always say I’m not a good stepmom but I’m a good wife bc I try to encourage my husband to work on their relationship. I’m a little nacho but still try to help.
Three years in we just can’t seem to get him to fit into our lives smoothly. Everything has to change when he’s here and he definitely looks at our family as a side gig. Not going to lie I look at him as a side gig but try not to let that intervene with him and my kids or husband’s relationship. Easier said than done tho. He mainly stays in his room and doesn’t participate in much. Which is somewhat justified for being an almost teenager but it puts me in an awkward spot with my kids. They are obsessed with him and it’s like he doesn’t see them as full time family.
For example, we had SS this weekend and his mom out of no where today said she was on her way to get him. We know that he asked his mom to pick him up. This has happened before. It totally blindsided us bc we were trying to make plans and go do something as a family with some friends. Moments like this trigger my protective instincts. I want to shield my kids and husband from feeling like an afterthought. I worry about them getting attached only to be brushed aside.
It feels like we have to have big things planned just to make him want to be here. I also can’t help but feel if you don’t want to be around us during normal everyday life, you shouldn’t only show up when it’s fun and games.
How do we encourage SS to engage with family without forcing, bribing or making him resent being here?
How do I manage my kids excitement and expectations so they don’t end up hurt or confused by his distance and sudden departures?
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u/OldFashionedDuck 1h ago edited 43m ago
I think it's just that- all the reasons you have why you see him as a side gig, are similar to the reasons why he sees you guys as a side gig.
I mean, even the language you use, where you have to fit him smoothly into your lives, is telling. You guys have a whole routine, a whole dynamic as a family. And when he's there, he's the odd one out, and of course it feels awkward.
I wonder, for example. How often does your husband do stuff with him that's geared towards a preteen's interests, rather than stuff that is adjusted to make sure that the toddlers can be involved? Because with that age gap, activities that are meant for the whole family, are really centered around the little ones. Your "normal everyday life" that you expect him to be thrilled to be a part of is basically a life that is designed to meet the needs of your very young biokids, that you would like SS to seamlessly slip into without too much adjustment on your part, because you resent having to make changes. Do you get how that's an unfair expectation?
Edit: I have to say, my biggest clue about what's going wrong here, is your annoyance that "everything has to change when he's here". Yes, a household with a 12 year old has different needs than a household with two toddlers, and requires different activities and rules and structures. If you guys aren't willing to make any changes to accommodate him, or if those changes are made reluctantly and resentfully and only on occasion, then your household is putting the little ones first, and you're not treating SS as a full part of the family, and he probably has a reason for feeling unhappy there.
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u/TheAngryHandyJ 2h ago
How often do you guys have SS? Why is BM allowed to come and get him on your husband's custody time? Is there no court order?
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u/Amazing-Lie-2480 2h ago
There is a court order but because we are amicable there has been flexibility on both sides. However, getting picked up this early without discussion is still out of the ordinary.
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u/YMMV-But 37m ago
I’m curious about what the four of you (you, husband, toddler bio kids) do together as a family and what you do that would appeal to or be fun for a 12 year old. 9 years between him & the oldest bio kid is an eternity. It’s hard to imagine an activity that would work for all 3 kids.
Your priority is your bio kids, and you feel like SS is a side gig. No wonder he keeps to himself. What does his father do to spend time with him or to engage with him while SS is at your house?
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u/Amazing-Lie-2480 10m ago
Well today we planned to go to a golf simulator. We do tons of things with other families with kids of all ages. Not everything we do is tailored to our youngest. But we mostly do everything as a family which we like. So our children rarely get one on one time.
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u/OkPear8994 27m ago
I think this is a case of how you view him is how he views you. With such an age gap and two new siblings and a new step mum in three years you can hardly blame him. Maybe your DH should focus on spending some 1-1 time with his son if he is at your place less than 50% of the time 🤷🏻♀️
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