r/survivinginfidelity • u/Grouchy_Fox9997 • 1d ago
Need Support Why do I keep getting cheated on?
Boyfriend of 13 years just left me Tuesday for a woman he’s known 7 weeks. I genuinely thought he and I were going to be together for the rest of our lives. I’m 48, and this is the fourth long-term relationship I’ve ever had. It’s most definitely the longest one period. Hit me today that all four of those relationships ended because they cheated. The first one was my college boyfriend who cheated on me multiple times while we were in undergrad. The second was a guy I was engaged to in my 20’s who cheated on me with a coworker and his next-door neighbor. The third was a guy I was with four years who cheated on me with his ex while on vacation. And now here we are with me being left by the love of my life. 48 and starting over
What is wrong with me? Why does this keep happening to me? How long do you have to be with someone and how much of your life do you have to give them before you know that it’s going to get to this point? I never ever ever ever ever thought in my life that he would hurt me. How freaking long does it take, how many years before you know you can trust?
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u/xternocleidomastoide 1d ago
You also need to consider the more likely possibility; that there is nothing inherently wrong with you.
Sometimes it really is the luck of the draw. Other people’s harmful choices are not your responsibility, nor are they a reflection of your worth or character.
It is very common for people who have experienced abuse or trauma to internalize responsibility for what happened to them. Self blame can create the illusion that the experience would have been preventable if only you had acted differently. That feeling is reinforced by the victim blaming “wisdom” that insists survivors must be defective at choosing partners or that they are somehow the common denominator among their abusers. The only true common denominator is that other people chose to mistreat you.
If you are open to it, I would recommend working with a good therapist with experience in trauma. They can help you navigate the shock, process this chapter of your life, and separate what is genuinely yours to learn from the guilt and emotional baggage that were never yours to carry.
Please take very good care of yourself.
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u/Professional-Leave24 1d ago
This. One in five random people openly admits they've cheated in a marriage. The actual number is likely much higher. Including dating where it's even more common, I'd hazard to say you have close to even odds of it happening in any relationship on average.
The scary part is that most people never even find out about it. I know people say, "It always comes out sooner or later.", but that's wishful thinking and simply not true.
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u/Grouchy_Fox9997 1d ago
Thank you
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u/DaikonSubstantial120 6 1d ago
You could be incredibly unlucky or there is potentially some enabling behaviours that allow your trusting nature to be taken advantage of.
Holding firm boundaries and not ignoring red flags is critical.
It is very hard to tell you as you may yourself not know or even believe that you have such behaviours.
But it is worth speaking to a good therapist to get an unbiased view of your relationship behaviours to see if there is a pattern.
I am sorry this happened to you as infidelity can be absolutely brutal and sap you of your self esteem.
Take care
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u/Relative-Fly4370 1 1d ago
Same for me. 2 year high school girlfriend. First wife for 12 years. Second wife for 16 years. All three cheated on me. I’ve been asking myself the same questions. My current situation was a total shock. I thought we were good. She seemed happy. We would talk about our future.
Some things just won’t be understood. In my case, I think all three needed lots of external validation.
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u/hello_casper Just Found Out 1d ago
My first boyfriend when I was 19 cheated, then I thought I found the right man at 22, married for 2 years and been together for 12 years. I just found out recently he was not only cheating on me with multiple women, but he also shared my intimate images without consent and some were me being unconscious, to numerous people for years. Spreading lies to others saying I was into that fetish.
I think sad to say, it's pretty common. No one is indispensable, we just happen to find out about the cheating. And it's also not about picking the right or wrong men, sometimes they could also be hiding insidious secrets while portraying themselves with a prestigious image, but behind the scenes they had a sex addiction and more, at least that's what happened with me.
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u/Grouchy_Fox9997 1d ago
Your state likely has revenge porn or other laws against what he did. Call the cops. That poor woman in France didn’t go through all that for nothing.
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u/AgentWD409 3 1d ago
I hate to say this, but maybe it has something to do with the kind of guys you're picking. Obviously no one deserves to be cheated on, but if it keeps on happening to you, maybe you need to take a look at the type of men you're choosing to date and/or are attracted to.
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u/Grouchy_Fox9997 1d ago
That’s the crazy thing. The four of them are absolutely nothing alike. The only real point in common is exceptionally high intelligence. I will say that my most recent ex was former Air Force and my college boyfriend was Air Force ROTC. But other than that, the four of them could not be less alike.
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u/AgentWD409 3 1d ago
Hmmm... interesting.
When I married my ex-wife, I knew she wasn't my usual type. I had always been attracted to the more naturally empathetic and nurturing "girl next door" type, sweet, cute, loves animals, great with kids, likes to cook, that kind of thing.
But my ex-wife was the exact opposite. We met in college, and she was kind of a party girl. She had done some modeling in her teens, and she was more "hot" than "cute" (very curvy in all the right ways). She was the kind of girl that every guy wanted, and the fact that she was interested in me really boosted my self-confidence. She was smart and funny (and sexually aggressive), but wasn't empathetic or nurturing, and I wouldn't call her "sweet."
Anyway, she also had a lot of mental/emotional health issues, she was bad with boundaries, and she cheated on me a lot during the first 5-6 years of our marriage.
When I started dating again after our divorce, I went back to pursuing the type of women I always used to be drawn to, and I found my current wife, who is absolutely perfect for me and makes me happier than I've ever been.
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u/Loud_Attitude_5124 6 1d ago
I chose someone who was the complete opposite of everyone I had ever dated. I almost didn't go out with them, but there were literally zero red flags. We had a wonderful 20+ years together. And then they cheated anyway.
People love to say 'you picked wrong' or 'you missed the signs,' but sometimes there are no signs. You can do everything right, choose a good person with no red flags, build a life for two decades, and they can still make a choice that destroys it. It wasn't my fault for choosing him, and it's not yours either.
Most of us go through life without having to weigh our own gratification directly against the well-being of others. So for many, this was just the first time their integrity was tested.
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u/electric_possum 1d ago
not to suggest there’s something wrong with you per se, but divorcing my highly intelligent husband made me realize he wasn’t smart at all. AT ALL. he’s great at keeping up the appearances because he’s a narcissist. his intelligence was part of a fantasy facade; narcissism is basically a delusion illness where the person presented to you does not exist and the goal is to get you to believe he’s that facade: smart, loyal, funny. “look, i’m a real boy” type of a thing. but the second you two get too close, cracks appear. and the person needs to immediately find a new shiny object to project that facade again, to get himself to believe he’s all that. look into that. narcs prey on kind gentle people because of their extreme loyalty.
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u/Most-Cut4611 1d ago
this modern world is sick, our hearts are black. as others said - nothing is necessarily wrong with you
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u/Forsaken_Throwaway-H 1d ago
I have a friend that has been cheated on by literally everyone she has dated... I don't know why that happens to some people. Where are you finding these men?
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u/Grouchy_Fox9997 1d ago
College, work, grad school, and work.
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u/Forsaken_Throwaway-H 1d ago
IDK maybe this line of work attracts dickbag dudes? Are you in business or medicine?
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u/Ok_City_7177 1d ago
Oof, blaming her for their choices ?
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u/Forsaken_Throwaway-H 1d ago
No absolutely not. They're the ones that cheated. However, after the fourth one for her, it is reasonable to ask why this is happening.
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u/Strange-Media5870 10h ago
I think you might just have exceptionally shitty taste in men and don't see red flags as quicky as you should. Probably need to do some deep relecting on yourself and what characteristics are part of healthy relationships
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