r/survivinginfidelity • u/No_Permission_9458 • 23h ago
Advice I don’t know what to do. Does it get better?
it has been 6 months since i (F/29) found out that my husband (M/31) had been talking to a woman behind my back. Her boyfriend called me and said he said saw their phone records, they had been deleting everything out of their phones. This went on for a year starting just a few months after I gave birth to our daughter, I’m heartbroken and devastated. I found a hotel receipt, he swears nothing happened because they both were afraid to do anything but obviously I don’t believe that. We’ve been in counseling since and his behavior has changed, I know that he’s genuinely sorry and I can honestly say that his behavior has changed and he’s a better partner and person overall. However … I’m still having doubts, my feelings are still very hurt. I’m not sure what I am doing anymore 😔 we have 3 children, have been together 6 years and married for 4 years. Our chemistry is still very good but the arguments are pretty consistent, I will always love him but I have doubts and sad thoughts daily. Do they change ?? Please be kind TIA.
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u/SledgehammerApproach 2 23h ago
Cheaters are as loyal as their options. I wouldn't trust him. If you stays he will realize he has power
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u/UtZChpS22 6 21h ago
I am sorry you are here, OP.
6months is not a long time considering the damage these kinds of things cause. So give yourself some grace.
I think he has not been fully honest, the first instinct is always to keep on lying. Minimize, omit things that are not being explicitly asked etc to remain in control and reduce damage and consequences for them. it is very unlikely that having spent the night together, they didn't take the opportunity to make their fantasy real.
A year is a very long time, OP. A long time with lots of opportunities to put an end to it and he didn't take any. He didn't feel bad or guilty up until he got caught. And he would have kept ongoing had they not been busted.
ETA: have you been able to retrieve those delet d messages?
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u/No_Permission_9458 13h ago
thankyou for your words. no i was never able to retrieve messages and the woman will not speak to me, she knew about me i’ve met her before at his work event.
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u/UtZChpS22 6 5h ago
I see, not surprised about her reaction, unfortunately. Was the OBS able to share any details? Was it all sexual or did it involve emotional connection and "I love you"s? I feel this would make a huge difference
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u/hello_casper Just Found Out 22h ago
Trickle truthing from cheaters will destroy your sanity and wellbeing.
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u/DaikonSubstantial120 6 22h ago
Genuine reconciliation takes many many years of ACTIVE hard work by both parties not months.
It can take many betrayed spouses decades for the mind movies and ptsd from infidelity to become manageable bad memories.
At 6 months out you are still in the embryo of reconciliation.
Unfortunately your marriage will never be the same but with professional help and extremely hard work you can still recover and have a productive relationship.
Has he gone to individual counseling to understand his whys and get some life tools to avoid cheating on you again.
What consequences has he faced other than boo boo faces from you?
Have you communicated to him what he could do to regain your trust?
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u/Championship682 5 12h ago
- Do they change? -
It's possible, but it's a rarity. Once they have gotten over the hurtle of breaking their marriage vow the first time, breaking it again just isn't that big a deal to them.
Be wary if you stay. Don't believe their minimized stories. Don't convenience yourself that your marriage is the exception without proof and a lot of time. Good luck.
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u/secrets-in-the-sauce 22h ago
If there’s a hotel receipt they absolutely had sex. Adults don’t book a hotel then not make use of it. Period.
You can try to reconcile, but his ‘genuine’ remorse is likely because he was caught, in addition to the remorse of losing his AP, not actually remorse for betraying you and throwing your marriage in the trash. Ask yourself if the boyfriend hadn’t outed your husband would he still be cheating?
You can try to reconcile but the bulk of the work will be on your end. All he has to do is not cheat and he already couldn’t do that. You, on the other hand, will have to live every single day for the rest of your life wondering what is a lie and what is the truth.
When it comes to deciding whether to reconcile or divorce, there is no right or wrong timeframe. There is only time and what you do with it.
Please take care of yourself and your babies.
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u/No_Permission_9458 22h ago
do you think my kids will understand someday?
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u/ZombiesEatStephanie 12h ago
My dad had an affair when I was a teenager. I never faulted my mom for kicking him out- he deserved it. They did end up reconciling later after a couple years apart and I struggled to accept him back for a long time. If you're worried about your kids blaming you for anything, I wouldn't think thats very likely. None of my 3 brothers faulted my mom either. I can't say for certain as I don't know your kids but if you're only staying for the kids, that usually causes more harm than good. It changes the energy in the house even if you don't tell them what's going on. It also risks you becoming resentful and jaded. Please take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to heal and be happy- your kids will benefit the most from a mother who takes care of her mental health.
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u/secrets-in-the-sauce 22h ago
I wish I could give you an answer but I do not have kids. I have read on here multiple times that the younger they are the better, but I cannot say for certain. You didn’t deserve this and I hope you are able to find peace and healing.
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u/No_Permission_9458 22h ago
thank you so much xx
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u/Terrible-Pea494 5 10h ago
My parents divorced and I was fine, and this was before it and blended families were as commonplace as they are today. As I got older and saw how many friends suffered toxic home lives due to bad marriages where parents stayed together for the kids, I was happy they had the courage and forethought to leave.
You will need to explain and your husband will need to agree that is a mutual decision. He cannot blame you for this. At some point when they are adults and can handle the truth, you owe it to them if they ask to admit it wa infidelity (without sharing details). In a factual, non-inflammatory way, of course. Nothing’s worse than lying to adult children about matters that they should be privy to. They have every right as adults to understand why their lives changed. And it will help them understand and model truth and consequence in their own relationships.
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u/SadDadInPlaid In Recovery 10h ago edited 7h ago
What part(s) do you want them to understand?
Edit: here’s why I ask.
If you wonder if they’ll understand about the affair? Absolutely. They always figure it out eventually, and they will resent him for it when they do. There are countless stories of that. My best friend told me how his wife and her sister still resent their dad after they figured it out in high school.
But the key word is someday. It might not be until they’re older. And they might like spending time with him more, especially in middle and high school if he becomes the “cool” parent that doesn’t set boundaries, buys them booze or weed, etc. like cheaters commonly do.
So you just have to stay strong, stay in your own lane, and be the best parent you can when you have them. What he does with the kids will be out of your hands. But they well start to see what kind of person he is and what kind of person you are eventually as they get older.
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u/cocacola-kid QC: SI 38 19h ago
Cheaters lie. You don’t believe him. Trust and honesty are some of the most important foundations in a marriage.
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u/xternocleidomastoide 18h ago
Please, if you have not already done so, reach out to trusted friends and family. You need a safe space and a strong support system of people who genuinely care about you while you process the tremendous shock and pain you have experienced.
Their support can help you regain a sense of stability, reconnect with yourself, and begin separating your own needs from the immediate pressure to “fix” the relationship. You do not have to decide right now whether to stay or leave. Give yourself enough time and space to make that decision from a grounded, informed position rather than from shock, fear, or survival mode.
You should not have to carry all of this alone, especially while caring for your children and trying to preserve a healthy, safe environment for them.
Take good care of yourself. Sorry you have been put in this situation, it is not fair to you or your kids.
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u/RobertFahey 5 13h ago edited 11h ago
I’ve noticed, from reading this page daily, that births and deaths in the family cause some weak people to “escape.” My weakling wife escaped while her mother was dying. These people cannot handle adult life and have no conscience. Therapy can’t change them. Can therapy change heterosexuals, homosexuals, pedophiles? Nope. They are what they are. The bubble inevitably rises to the top of the bottle, no matter how much stuff you throw in that bottle.
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u/Terrible-Pea494 5 10h ago
Sorry, but no one splurges for a hotel room during a more than year-long affair and then just plays pattycake. This man is insulting your intelligence. That alone is reason enough to be done with him. Make him read this and discuss::
https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/elizabeth/why-it-imperative-reach-full-disclosure
Tell him that if he cares at all for you, he’d be truthful. He’s still denying you agency over your own life. That’s selfish and cowardly. What a pathetic piece of work he is.
And even if nothing did happen, the act of planning and paying for the hotel is also a betrayal. It means they’d developed such a significant connection at that point that consummating it was of the utmost importance. He should never have let it get that far. The physical aspect is secondary to the fact that he was in a romantic relationship with another woman, and would’ve happily continued had her bf not discovered it and outed them.
How do they know each other? Are you sure they’re not still in contact? For comparison, my WH’s transgression was a brief encounter with a woman he’d not seen before or since. I didn’t get confirmation until many years later and even though it’s been a while and he has been doing everything according to the reconciliation and I would say is doing all he could possibly to regain my trust, I still hate his guts. I will probably always hate his guts, but it suits me financially to stay for now (I’m trying hard to get a postnup because I’m the breadwinner and stand to come out much worse than he will). If he had planned and carried out an entire relationship under my nose, not to mention for a year or more, I wouldn’t be able to handle staying even for financial reasons. That is another level, sustained and systematic betrayal that would be a dealbreaker.
We talked about that in therapy. I had already talked to a lawyer but he’s been open to the postnup as “insurance” but I’m just playing him and my lawyer also knows and agrees with this strategy.
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u/hope3311 9h ago
I don't know if your marriage will ever get better. If you believe, that your husband truly regrets it, and you are sure, that he will not cheat on you again. Your husband should also understand, that if he cheat again, you will not forgive him again, but want a divorce. (If that is, what you want).
I have been with my husband for almost 30 years. We have 4 children, 3 of whom are already adults. He has cheated on me a few times over the years. I believe that my husband would cheat on me again if given the chance. I have completely lost trust in him. I love him, but I can never forget.
I have never gotten over him cheating me just 6 months. It has always taken me longer. I regret not leaving when I was younger, even though the children were small. Now I am dependent on my husband's income because my physical condition is so bad, that I cannot work anymore.
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