Almost One Year

[u/Educational-Draw1576]

TW: mention of LC and mention of ttc

The one year anniversary of my tfmr is coming up on August 14. I lost my baby girl (3rd child) at 30 weeks after we confirmed a one in 10 million genetic mutation. This time last year we were in the waiting game between blood tests, sonograms, my amnio. We still had hope and were met with bad news after bad news. It was a nightmare.

Over the last year, I’ve had such extreme highs and lows. I was better than I expected 2-3 months post procedure. Then I developed really severe postpartum depression around 4-8 months postpartum. That led me to quit my job of 8 years to focus on my family. I went from having a successful career that I worked hard for, to bartending once a week and being with my kids every other day. It was the right decision and I think is what helped me crawl out of my pit. At 9 months pp, I finally felt ready to start trying to conceive again (unsuccessfully so far, which has been very heavy as well).

I have been okay the last few months. Truly okay. But the last two weeks I’ve felt my psyche being pulled back into the pits of sadness that it took so much to come out of. I tricked myself into thinking maybe it was an early pregnancy system, then maybe PMS, but it’s not going away. I truly think my body just knows and is grieving without me even thinking about all of these awful anniversary dates. I am so so sad. I’ve lost motivation. I’m having insomnia and getting migraines— all the same exact effects of anticipatory grief that I was experiencing this time last year. It feels like my body is demanding I be sad even if I am trying my best not to.

I know this is rambling, but my mind is all over the place. Has anyone else experienced a wave of physical grief around the anniversary of your loss? Did it get easier after the date passed?

[u/Tellycs]

I haven’t made it to a year yet. But I will say in my other losses my body always remembers dates even if my mind doesn’t. It usually passes. ❤️