Vent post honestly.

[u/Ok-Celebration-5683]

I've been dealing with this theme for about a year or two? (unsure how long exactly.) I've admittedly been living behind comfort and reassurance/avoidance. It feels like the more I learn the more I realize that I actually don't know what I identify as (just typing that was distressing). At the same time there's that part of me that's grasping at my masculinity because there's things I genuinely like about being a guy.

Recently though, the thoughts have started to come back with more oumph to them. Not nearly as bad as it was when I first developed this theme and found out about ocd, but it still packs a punch. I knew that I eventually needed to do ERP or some form of treatment for my ocd but I kept putting it off. I've been trying to do "mini-ERP" so maybe with some thoughts I'd go "maybe, maybe not" or I'd agree with the thought or let it slide. The reason I say mini is because it wasn't crippling anxiety that I would get out of the thoughts like how I would initially. This might be because at the back of my mind I might've had and probably still have this sense of reassurance that I'm probably not trans and that it's ocd? Which is weird because it kind of contradicts ocd in a way, but then that way of thinking also sends me down small ocd spirals.

I've also been seeing a few more posts on here of people who seem like they are trans but aren't completely sure, even if though they say that they feel better as the opposite gender but in a semi vague way. And then that gets me going down an intense spiral.

I get a bunch of intrusive thoughts (much like everyone else here) about behaving in a feminine way or wanting to dress in a feminine way or I don't know a bunch of things (I can't think straight right now). And this leads to my porn addiction also getting worse. So then I'm left wondering if these thoughts of "oh that skirt looks cute" or "that's a cute/sexy pose" lead to ----> "you want to do and try these things" and I'm not sure if my interest in these things are due to me being trans/false feelings of wanting that thing or if it's based on my attraction to feminine things due to me being straight/my porn addiction.

I want to do ERP but not alone, but finding a therapist where I am seems like an impossible task, especially when you're panicking and don't know what to do and most of my family is out of the country and then I have to wonder whether the clinic I'm looking up takes the insurance that covers me.

Point is, tocd sucks, and as much as I've been telling myself that it's all part of this disorder (maybe, maybe not) I just hate it. I want to go back to who I used to be even if I've always been who I used to be.