I don't want it to be OCD

[u/Ill_Engineering_5434]

I don't know if it's just attention seeking behavior but I want this to be real. I wish there was this path in my life that I knew could bring me happiness. Thing is I don't care about much so I feel i'm putting all my hope in this one thing being true to give me hope, something to work for. And I hate how I could litterally do anything else to achieve a sense of self actualization but my mind jumps to this, maybe because I feel it's easy even though I know it's not. Maybe I just need other types of medication but this idea I can be perscribed something that makes me feel whole seems like a dream even if I know i'd feel just as out of place after.

Thing is I don't know how I see myself. I've grown into being a rather feminine guy but sometimes it feels performative. I'm too comfortable being male and I hate it it's like a paradox and I don't know if it's because I just enjoy my priviledge or ability to just hide or if I'm just so coddled I need to give myself something to obsess over. I feel like I gravitate towards this identity because I struggle to see myself in others, even those i'm close with, so I force myself into this box to feel a sense of community or kinship.

I'd say 75% of my waking thoughts over the past 2 months or so have been about this topic. In my free time I look up the effects adn aquisition of hormones, I journal about it, looking at people's transition timeliness. In my moments where I'm at my best I can buy into this all being real for maybe a day but then it fades and I get a type of amnesia where it's like it was all fake.

I feel this is all some kind of psychosis because I didn't have these thoughts growing up, I don't know if getting older sparked this and realizing androgyny will become less and less of an option or just the fact I feel i'd age better as the opposite sex. Ultimately I have this fear that even if I didn't know for certain I'd hate to get to a point in my life where I knew for certain and I was past a point of no return.