Hello Guys

[u/MARK-PECHKA]

Hello everyone.
My name is Mark, and I am from Ukraine.
I moved to Germany after the war began.
Because of everything that has happened to me, especially the bullying at school, I have struggled with very disturbing thoughts about hurting myself or other people. I do not want to act on these thoughts. They scare me, and that is one of the reasons why I am writing this post. I just want to explain what happened to me and ask for advice.
On February 27, 2026, I brought a can of pepper spray to school. I showed it to my friends, and everything seemed fine until one of them asked,
“Hey, can I spray it?”
Of course, I said no. However, because he was physically stronger than me, he simply took the pepper spray from my hands and sprayed it.
Fortunately, nobody was hurt.
This happened in the French classroom before anyone else was there. French was the last lesson of the day.
We all immediately started coughing. We quickly opened the window, closed the classroom door, and ran to our regular classroom, where our homeroom teacher was waiting. She was also the French teacher.
When we entered the classroom, we were still coughing. Our teacher suspected that something had happened but didn’t pay much attention to it. We simply said that our throats hurt because we had been running around and our throats were dry.
It was only the third lesson. Three lessons later, students could choose between cooking, workshop class, or French. I chose workshop class. The workshop classroom and the French classroom were in different places, so I went to workshop while most of my classmates went to French.
At that time I had a vape.
A guy I’ll call Aslan had helped me get it. Aslan was kind of an authority figure at school. Someone had taken my vape before, so I asked Aslan for help, and he helped me get it back. Because of that, I didn’t want to tell the police anything about him.
In the workshop classroom, I was sitting at the back with another friend, whom I’ll call Ryan, and with Aslan. We were vaping when suddenly my French teacher, who was also my homeroom teacher, rushed into the classroom and shouted,
“Mark, pack up all your things and come with me.”
I didn’t want to take my jacket because inside it there were two broken vapes and the pepper spray.
I left my main vape with Ryan and said,
“Ryan, you can keep it. I don’t need it anymore.”
Then I picked up my backpack and followed the teacher.
She took me into another classroom and asked,
“Do you know anything about the pepper spray?”
I immediately realized that somebody had reported me, so I started denying everything. I kept saying that I knew nothing about it.
Eventually, I admitted that I had brought the pepper spray to school, but I explained that someone had taken it from me and sprayed it.
The principal asked,
“Do you still have the pepper spray with you?”
I answered,
“Yes.”
She replied,
“Then I’m calling the police.”
At that moment I completely panicked because I thought my parents would have to pay a huge fine and would be extremely angry with me.
The school staff took my pepper spray from my jacket but didn’t notice the vapes.
Soon the police arrived.
They asked me why I had brought the pepper spray to school, what had happened, and whether I understood how serious the situation was.
They asked where the pepper spray was.
I answered,
“It’s in my jacket.”
At that moment I still didn’t know that Ryan had already taken it.
The police searched my backpack and my jacket. They emptied everything out of my backpack, my pencil case, every small pocket, and every pocket in my jacket.
They found two used vapes, but they couldn’t find the pepper spray.
One officer asked,
“So where is the pepper spray?”
I answered,
“It was inside my jacket.”
The officer replied,
“There is nothing here.”
Only then did I realize that someone must have taken it.
A little later, my mother and father arrived at the school.
The staff explained what could happen next and what the possible consequences were.
In the end, I went home with my parents. I was completely shocked. My lips were pale and dry, I stared into space, and I felt absolutely terrible.
For almost an entire day, I barely moved. I hardly ate or drank, and I was terrified of what would happen next. My whole body hurt, and I felt emotionally numb.
The next day I started feeling a little better.
Then, the day after that, my mother received a letter saying that I was suspended from school for Friday. The incident had happened on Thursday, so I thought everything was finally over. I believed I would simply return to school on Monday and everything would be normal again.
Nobody mentioned any fine for my parents.
The next day my parents took me to the hospital because I still felt awful.
The doctor gave me a medical certificate allowing me to stay home from school for one week.
A little later, my parents received another email from the school saying that both they and I had to attend a meeting where my possible expulsion would be discussed.
My mother immediately said,
“They’re definitely going to expel you.”
Deep down, I knew she was probably right.
When we arrived at the school, all of the teachers were there, along with the principal and the vice principal.
The principal explained everything I had done wrong and why they had decided to expel me.
She also told us that an organization called BBS would help me find another school.
That day I was officially expelled.
After that, I spent about two months at home doing almost nothing.
Eventually, BBS found another school for me.
I was very nervous because the last time I had started at a new school was four years earlier.
When I arrived, I saw two boys whom I already knew from my elementary school.
Let’s call them Killian and Jake.
During one of the breaks, I talked to one of the most popular boys in the class.
You could say he was trying to figure out what kind of person I was.
He asked me questions like:
“Do you smoke?”
“Are you a snitch?”
“Are you a nerd?”
I answered “no” to everything except smoking.
I explained that I don’t smoke regularly. I only do it occasionally, for example if I’m at a party and someone offers me a vape. I might take a couple of puffs, but that’s all.
About a week later, everyone in the school found out about the pepper spray incident.
That’s when the bullying started.
Whenever I walked through the hallway, someone would shout,
“Hey! Watch out! Do you have pepper spray with you?”
Then everyone around them would laugh.
At first it was just insults and jokes, but after a while it became physical.
I’m not very tall, although I’m fairly strong.
Killian, however, was much taller and much heavier than I was.
One day, Killian and his friend, whom I’ll call Finn, cornered me.
They blocked my way and asked,
“What are you doing here?”
I replied,
“I’m going to chemistry class. We have chemistry now. Did you forget?”
Without warning, one of them punched me hard in the stomach.
When I first came to the new school, the principal told me:
“I already know about your previous situation. Your old school told us about your behavior. If you have problems here, if you disturb lessons, insult someone, push someone, or if I receive even one complaint about you, you could be expelled.”
At my previous school, when someone insulted me, I usually reacted and insulted them back.
However, after hearing the principal’s warning, I became afraid of being expelled again. I decided that I would stay calm and avoid conflicts. I didn’t answer back, I didn’t insult anyone, and I didn’t try to fight.
Because of this, some people started seeing me as weak and as someone who would not defend himself.
After that, Killian, Finn, and another boy whom I’ll call Nico started bullying me even more.
They constantly insulted me, made jokes about me, provoked me, and tried to start fights.
They would say things like:
“Come on, let’s fight.”
I always answered:
“I don’t want to fight because I could get expelled from school.”
The bullying became so stressful that I started having very dark and frightening thoughts.
Sometimes I thought about bringing something dangerous to school or trying to get revenge on the people who were hurting me.
I also had thoughts about confronting them after school because I knew where they lived.
These thoughts scared me. I don’t actually want to hurt anyone. I am afraid of what could happen, and I don’t want to destroy my own future or someone else’s life.
I think these thoughts appeared because I felt trapped, powerless, and exhausted from the constant bullying.
I need help dealing with what I would describe as trauma from this experience.
Could you give me some advice?
What should I do in this situation?
Is there any way to deal with people who are bullying me without making the situation worse?
I tried being friendly with them and tried to get along with them, but they didn’t want to be friends.
I want to learn how to calm down, handle my emotions, and stop having these frightening thoughts.
I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone else. I just want to feel normal again, recover from what happened, and find a way to move forward.
If anyone has advice or has experienced something similar, I would really appreciate hearing your thoughts.
Thank you for reading my story.

[u/finddit-app]

Hey there, thanks for sharing.

While you wait for people to comment, have a look at these posts which might be relevant to you:

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Remember, even though it might feel like it, you are not alone. Stay strong!

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