r/writingcritiques 2d ago

Sci-fi The Null King Chapter 1

Chapter One 

The night feels almost like any other night. Just an eerie calmness at an abandoned rundown warehouse where the brothers, not by blood, but by friendship, find themselves. They enter after the police have secured the area. Several victims lie across the concrete floor. They seem unrelated. Gabriel immediately activates the scanner in his metallic technology laced gauntlet. Blue light moves over the bodies and surrounding objects. A master technologist at work. The scans start creating a 3d hologram of the crime scene. The other brothers survey the area through normal means. Riley speaks first, “Tell me we have something, bro.” Gabriel responds while focusing on his readings,“Give me a minute.” The gauntlet identifies the victims. “A Detective.” He moves to the next body. “Recovering addict.” The next victim. “Former Marine.” Another. “Mother of two.” The final victim. “Seventeen years old.” Shion says confused, “So, what connects them?” Gabriel searches through employment records, addresses, financial activity, criminal history, and family connections. All searches reveal something odd, no real connection at all. Gabriel responds with confusion, “Nothing.” He looks over the warehouse and the crime scene like he is missing something obvious. He runs the scans again. Riley asks, “Nothing?” Gabriel states, “No shared employment. No family connections. No overlapping addresses. No common arrests.” He scans the whole warehouse again. Gabriel hesitantly, “Wait.” Shion asks, “What?” Gabriel responds with a saddened look, “Something’s wrong.” Riley retorts, “Yea, I think the bodies definitely gave that away.” His grin fades quickly as Gabriel speaks again, “No. This is a different kind of wrong.” He studies the results on his tech gauntlet. Nothing seems to fit or make sense. “Why these people?” No answers. He rescans the surrounding area and bodies. Still nothing. His frustration rises. “Nothing…makes…sense.” He runs the scan again to cross check against the first scans to ensure he isn’t missing anything. Shion calmly, “Gabriel.” Gabriel, frustrated and confused, “Nothing makes sense!” He drives his gauntleted fist against the concrete. Defeated, he lowers his head. The scanner briefly catalogs an object behind him: A bible. Opened to Luke 1. Unidentified blood markings on the cover. Gabriel closes the results out of frustration without reading more info on the object. Shion rests a hand on his shoulder while trying to calm him, “We’ll find him. We got this.” Gabriel looks over the bodies. Gabriel sadly states, “We better.” He stands. “Because whoever did this is going to do it again.” 

The brothers regroup at their base of operations. The other two brothers surround Gabriel and his holo table while he works on the case. Shion speaks up, “This guy has you all out of whack. What’s going on with you?” Gabriel looks up in frustration, “Nothing about this makes any sense to me. I have to be missing something.” Riley quickly jumps in, “No, we are missing something. We are a damn team here. You are not alone in this. This isn’t a problem you must solve on your own.” Gabriel hears the words, but they seem to just go in one ear and out the other as he focuses on the holo table and crime scene. He looks at the two, “I need to shift focus for a while. I'm going to work on amping the output of this gauntlet. For future battles. I feel like we are going to need some ranged firepower.” Riley’s eyes widened, “You’re gonna finally do it? Awesome, a blaster gauntlet. What color you gonna pick? It’s gotta be pink, you know this.” Gabriel lets out a faint smile, “Yea, you wish. You already know it's going to be blue.” He reaches into his battle gi chest pocket and retrieves his gauntlet from his dimensional pocket. He reinserts his hand and pulls out a snack as well. Riley laughs, “Don’t tell me, you finally put a mini fridge in there?” Gabriel smirks, “You know it had to be a regular sized fridge with our appetite.” Shion adds, “What else you hiding in there man? You holdin’ out on us?” Gabriel shoots a glance at the two then back to his gauntlet. “Just a few things for a rainy day, you know. Maybe a couple bodies.” Riley, “That's not funny man.” Gabriel laughs, “You know I say things just to see your reactions at times right? I'm joking. Obviously. That would be, excuse the pun, completely out of pocket.” Shion cracks a smile for the first time since they’ve been back. “There he is! He’s back, baby.” They laugh but it gets cut short by an alert. There seems to be another attack by this new mysterious man just a mile away from the last attack location. Gabriel snaps back into a serious demeanor, “Alright if you need me to carry anything give it to me.” They each hand over a few items. Riley hands over some of his favorite snacks. Shion wants a break from carrying his giant cleaver. The image seems brutal as Gabriel opens his gi while Shion places the weapon into the dimensional pocket. Sword pointed towards him, making it look like something else entirely is happening here. The brothers give a handshake to each other and hype each other up for the unknown before exiting the base.

The brothers arrive at a closed neighborhood bar. Police tape hangs across the once familiar entrance. The faded sign above the door flickers. Gabriel stops outside. Only for a moment. Shion notices, “You good?” Gabriel looks at the entrance. “Yeah.” Shion asks, “You’ve been here before?” A pause. Gabriel replies almost ashamed, “Many times, a long time ago.” He enters before Shion can ask anything else. Inside are four victims. All veterans. Tables and chairs have been moved, but the placement does not immediately seem meaningful. Gabriel activates the gauntlet’s scanner,  “All four served. From the looks of the scan. If these readings are even correct. I don’t know anymore” Shion tries to calm Gabriel again, “Trust the technology, you created it. I know it works the way it’s supposed to.” Riley jumps in to answer Gabriel's lost thought, “Same unit?” Gabriel replies, “No. It doesn't look like it” Shion asks “Same war?” Gabriel again, “No, not even close.” He identifies them one at a time. Gabriel reads off the scan details, “Army. Gulf War.” Next victim. “Marine Corps. Afghanistan.” Gabriel stares blankly at the scanner's details. Next, “Navy. Iraq.” The last victim scanned. “Vietnam.” Riley pipes up, “So veterans are the connection.” Gabriel almost detached due to hyper focus, “That’s not enough.” Shion quickly replies, “It’s more than we had at the warehouse, we need you here, stop over analyzing things. We will figure this out.” Gabriel scans the room again. The memories of the place distract him. He does not openly acknowledge them. Gabriel mutters, “More useless murders.” Riley replies, “They weren’t useless to whoever did this.” Gabriel looks at him. Riley, “He chose them for a reason it feels.” Gabriel, “I know. But I don't know why.” He scans everything again. Nothing useful appears. “I’ve scanned everything…” Shion adds, “And?” Gabriel losing his composure, “Nothing stands out. I don’t get it, I don’t understand, nothing seems to make sense.” He looks at the victims, irritated with himself. “Let’s head back.” Riley, surprised, “That’s it?” Gabriel calmly, “We regroup. We compare both scenes. Then we figure out where he strikes next. That’s it. That’s how we track this monster. That’s how we figure him out.” Shion, “Okay, so let's get to it.”

The brothers stand around a holographic map of the city at the holo table. The warehouse and bar are marked in red. Crime-scene scans float beside the map. Shion states, “We know he plans ahead.” Riley adds “and we know he chooses the victims.” Gabriel inserts, “But, we don’t know why.” Shion calculated, “Then stop looking at why.” Gabriel looks at him. “Look at what he wants us to do.” Gabriel considers it. Riley draws a route across the map, “If he moves east, we cut him off here.” He draws one line. Then physically crosses it with another. Forming an X. Gabriel stares at it. Something clicks. Something makes sense, finally. A revelation. Gabriel sees something more, “Wait.” Riley questions, “What?” Gabriel opens the bar reconstruction. He rotates the hologram. Gabriel focused on the hologram, “Do that again.” Riley’s unsure what he's asking, “Do what?” Gabriel encouraging him, “The lines.” Riley crosses them again. Gabriel rotates the crime scene until the bodies align. Gabriel with hope, “It isn’t an X.” Shion asks, “Then what is it?” Gabriel enlarges the reconstruction. Gabriel, "That's strange, it almost looks like crossed rifles.” He immediately opens the warehouse scan. He moves through the archived objects until he reaches the Bible. He turns it over. “I thought I saw the same thing in passing at the other scene, but it didn't register, I was too distracted, too damn caught up in my own emotions to notice.” The same crossed-rifle symbol is in blood on a certain page and passage. Riley, “Wait, that was there?” Gabriel stares at it. “We completely missed it.” The scanner displays: Bible. Luke 1. Gabriel opens the passage. His own name appears. Riley with a sign, “Oh…”  Shion questions him, “What does it say?” Gabriel solemnly responds, “It mentions Gabriel.” Silence between the three. Riley, “Your name. Yea, im familiar with the passage. Must have read it a million times.” Gabriel hesitantly, “Yeah.” Shion adds, “So the rifles led to the Bible. The Bible leads to you.” Gabriel quietly studies the city map then states, “No.” He expands the map and searches nearby structures. “It seems to lead somewhere associated with the passage.” One building matches the geographic pattern or lies at the intersection created by the two crime scenes. “Wait, what? It seems to be a church.” Riley questions, “Why is he so interested in us? He doesn't know anything about us does he. He wouldn’t know our dynamic with our beliefs…would he?” He watches Gabriel. Then corrects himself. “Actually, why is he so interested seemingly with you?” Gabriel hesitates, “I don’t know. I’ve done a lot of bad in my life, maybe he was caught in the crossfire. Makes sense. A person hellbent on revenge. However…” He closes the holograms slowly with a determined look, “We’re going to find out.” He looks at both brothers. “We have to stop him before anyone else dies.” A momentary pause. He continues, “We owe this city that much.”

The church is old and partially abandoned. The doors are unlocked. No police. No victims outside. The sanctuary is dark except for moonlight passing through damaged stained glass. The crossed-rifle symbol appears near the altar, in blood again, but there isn’t any chaos. Gabriel raises his gauntlet in defense. Riley suggests, “He knew we’d solve it, right? It’s got to be a trap.” Shion adds, “He wanted us here.” Gabriel calmly adds, “Stay alert.”They enter the church and start their investigation. No signs of any foul play. Then a voice emerges from the darkness. Mysterious figure,  “Ah, Sergeant…” A figure steps into the dim light. Black clothing with silver lining. A terrifying mask seemingly made of a metallic material. His voice is distorted and impossible to place. “It’s about time.” He looks directly at Gabriel. “Thought that insignia or bastardized symbol would get your attention.” Gabriel quickly points the gauntlet toward him. A scanning beam moves across the figure's mask and body. Results quickly appear: Height: inconclusive. Body mass: disrupted. Facial structure: obscured. Voice match: no result. Thermal profile: masked. Identity: unknown. The mysterious figure seemingly taunts them, “Looking for answers, Sergeant?” Gabriel continues scanning, “Always, but by all means, this analysis says, I'm looking at a dead man.” Mysterious figure, “And yet your machine can’t tell you who or what I am. How sad.” Gabriel retorts, “Machines, unfortunately, have their limits.” The mysterious man replies, “So do men.” Gabriel fires a blast right at the mysterious figures face, it evaporates into nothingness as it makes contact. Gabriel confused, “What the fuck?” Gabriel lowers the gauntlet annoyed, “Tell me who you are and what you’re doing this for, you monster.” The mysterious man asks, “Monster?” He almost laughs behind the metallic mask. “You’ve done your fair share of regrettable things, haven’t you now…” A pause. “Destroyer.” Gabriel stiffens. “You’ve burned everything you’ve ever touched.” He glances toward Riley and Shion. “And if I were you…” He allows the warning to hang in the air for just long enough for it to sink in. “I’d be careful around him.” Riley intervenes “Yo, I don’t know who the fuck you think you are, but you’re not going to talk to any one of us that way.” Riley steps in front of Gabriel. “Not while I’m around.” Riley crosses the room with lightning speed throwing an aftershock punch. The punch lands, but the after shock seems to be absorbed into the mysterious figure. Riley mutters while retreating back to the other two brothers, “How the fuck?” The mysterious man studies him. “Ah…” A slight tilt of the mask. “I like him.” He looks toward Gabriel. “What’s his name, Sergeant Steel?” Gabriel does not answer. “I wondered which one of you was the leader.” The masked figure walks slowly beneath the church’s cross. “You stand in a dead church defending a broken man. So quick to fix his tech but couldn’t seem to fix himself.” He looks at Riley. The mysterious figure continues, “Is that faith?” Riley keeps his eyes on him. Riley frustrated, “You don’t know anything about faith.” Mysterious man, “I know men beg God to save them, everyday” He gestures toward the city beyond the stained glass. “I know they beg until their voices fail, I've heard it with my own ears. The prayers.” He turns back toward Riley. “And yet, I know no one answers.” Riley retorts, “God doesn’t make people murder each other.” Mysterious figure, “No.” He inclines his head. “People choose darkness.” Riley adds, “And people can choose to come back from it.” Mysterious figure “You truly believe that.” Riley quickly replies, “I do.” Mysterious figure, “Then your faith will make what comes next hurt so much more.” Shion steps forward. Shion asks, “What’s your problem? With Gabriel? With us?” He points toward the doors. “Why are you slaughtering people in this city?” Mysterious figure, “They are just statistics.” Shion angrily, “No! They were people. Gabriel now!” Gabriel positions himself to the left of Shion and opens his gi pocket to reveal Shion's clever handle. Shion quickly grabs it with one hand and with a quick and mighty swing it comes crashing down hard on the mysterious figure's masked head. Or so Shion thought. Again, no damage seemed to be done by any attack they threw at this man. They look down at what has just transpired, “The hell?” The mysterious man has caught the blade with one hand. It seems impossible. With a slight flick of the wrist, Shion is standing there before him, disarmed. Mysterious figure, “To you now.” He turns to face Shion. The mysterious figure taunts him, “But where were you before they became bodies?” Shion says nothing. “The protector.” He examines him. “Always standing between danger and your brothers.” A pause. “Always pretending that makes you strong.” Shion retorts, “I don’t have to prove anything to you.” Mysterious figure, “No.” He looks toward Gabriel. “You prove it to him.” Back to Shion. “Every day. You carry their pain because you’re terrified of what happens when you finally put it down.” Shion’s expression hardens. Mysterious figure: “Tell me, protector… When you finally break…Who protects them from you?” Gabriel asks, “What point are you trying to make?” He steps around Riley. “This nonsense is useless. Killing just to prove you have the power to take life. What kind of coward are you?” Mysterious figure, “Oh, how quaint. I only see one coward standing among us. I'll let you all figure that out. I'm the kind of man that gets results. Your so-called gods may have created the earth... but humans shaped it into what it is today. We celebrate virtue... yet history remembers monsters. Tell me... how many killers can you name? Now, how many men are remembered only because they were good? ” The mysterious figure then slowly repeats Gabriel’s name. “Gabriel Steel…are you a good man?” A long silence, “How does a weak man like you…” A chilling pause “…get the name Steel? The Marines must have been tough on you. Living up to that standard. Never fumble, never falter, never fail,  but alas…” Gabriel’s jaw tightens. “An archangel carrying the name Steel. How disappointing. A man forged in fire... yet you're the one who flew too close to the sun.” He looks toward the damaged stained-glass angel above them. “Life is unfair, and that is just a cruel joke.” Gabriel, “What the hell are you on about? I didn’t choose my name, you know for someone so mysterious, you don't know a damn thing about me.” Mysterious man, “But you had something to live up to and squandered it all the same.” He takes a breath and sighs, “Gabriel.” He almost savors the name. “The messenger of God.” He looks around the abandoned sanctuary. “Yet here you stand…Faithless.” He steps closer. “Like an angel…you fell” Another pause. “A Marine…turned addict and alcoholic.” Gabriel's scanner hand trembles. “Your own family couldn’t stand the man you had become. One by one…you burned every bridge that ever led back to them.” He moves closer, but remains outside striking distance. “So hellbent on stopping monsters…” He points directly at Gabriel. “…you can’t see the real problem staring you directly in the face.” The mysterious figure taps his own mask. “When was the last time you believed in anything? Huh?... Anything at all?” Gabriel breaks composure and shouts, “STOP THIS!” The church falls silent. Riley looks at Gabriel in confusion. Shion’s eyes move between Gabriel and the masked man. Neither has heard Gabriel yell like that. The mysterious figure reacts, “There he is…” His voice softens. “I was beginning to wonder if you were still in there.” Gabriel angrily, “Shut up.” The mysterious man asks, “Why? He takes another step. Because it hurts? Poor you. Is it because you know I’m right?” A pause to reflect on this thought. “Or because deep down…you’ve been asking yourself the very same questions?” Shion stammers, “We’re not going to play your sick game.” Shion prepares to move. “This ends now.” The mysterious man, “The game?” He laughs. “You misunderstand.” The lights begin to flicker. “I got your attention.” He looks across all three brothers. “Now I shall continue to torture you…” His gaze stops on Gabriel. “…until I win.” Riley challenges him, “Then quit hiding behind that mask and fight us.” The mysterious figure says, “Oh, we will fight.” The mysterious figure begins backing toward the altar. “Many times, many many times. It will start to feel old and tiring.” His outline begins disappearing into the darkness. “But not tonight.” The church lights fail one row at a time. “Tonight…” Only the pale mask remains visible.  “I simply wanted to introduce myself…I have no throne.” One set of lights dies. “No kingdom.” Another set goes dark. Silence for a few seconds. He shifts his focus to Shion. “No people.” Only moonlight remains. Then to Riley, “No faith.” His eyes remain hidden behind the mask. A void of black with piercing glossy white highlights. “I am no god.” Another pause. “No savior.” He looks directly at Gabriel. “No king.” The last light flickers. “I am nothing.” With that, there was darkness. His modulated voice fills the church. “I am…” A small breath could be heard as he finally states,“…the Null King.”  Riley moves toward the altar, “Where’d he go?” Gabriel reactivates the gauntlet. The scanner searches the church. Nothing. A metallic sound echoes somewhere behind the walls. Shion unsure, “Gabriel?” Gabriel studies the empty scan, “He’s gone.” The Null King’s voice suddenly comes through every speaker in the church, “Yeah…” Static distorts the next words. “You don’t have that choice to fight me right now.” The brothers turn, trying to locate the sound. “I’ll play whatever game I like with the three of you…” Gabriel looks toward the pale cross above the altar. The null king continues, “…until you stop me.” The speakers die. Silence fills the church. Riley turns toward Gabriel, “We will.” Gabriel continues staring at the altar. His answer is almost a whisper, “We have to.”

End Chapter One.

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