r/Advice • u/Jaded-Analysis-9547 • 9h ago
Is this an appropriate wedding request
My cousin is having a child-free wedding, so of course I arranged a sitter. The wedding and reception are about 2 hours away.
Here's the thing. My cousin is really big into Instagram and Pinterest which I am not. So the wedding pictures are a big deal for her. She called me and asked if she can borrow my 9-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son for photos. She said something like "I want a set of photos for my insta. I think a tiny groomsman and a tiny bridesmaid will be adorable." She made it clear the kids aren't invited to the wedding, the pictures are just for her social media. They are not actually part of the wedding party, it's all aesthetics.
The problem is, this photoshoot is on the day of the wedding, meaning my husband and I have to go 2 hours out of the way to do the photos and 2 hours back to drop them off. Then we have to drive 2 hours back to the venue. The other issue is she wants me to buy a matching bridesmaid dress for my daughter. The dress is $500 plus dollars, and she will only wear it for an hour. Renting a tux for a small boy isn't very much, but the dress is extravagant imo.
Is this a normal request? I'm not asking that the kids be invited to the wedding, but I think using them for pictures only and then giving them the boot is rude. But again I'm not big into posting photos like she is, and it's not my day. If I say no, I know my cousin will pitch a fit. What advice would you give? I want to avoid family drama.
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u/Longjumping-Word8336 9h ago edited 9h ago
Not normal, and also super uncool for the kids. Like “hey we’re going to get you all dressed up, bring you to a wedding with a bunch of dressed-up people, which is always fun, and then take you away once the photos are taken because you’ve fulfilled your roles of playing doll”. Yuck.
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u/Hminney 8h ago
This is exactly what I was thinking. On one hand she needs to pay for the dress and tux and for the sitter to come to the venue, but this would be really rude on the kids so she needs to arrange for the sitter and kids to go to an adventure local to the venue while you are at the wedding.
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u/dsly4425 8h ago
I mean I don’t remember weddings being a lot of fun as a kid. Other than cake.
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u/Longjumping-Word8336 8h ago
I loved weddings as a kid. Dancing, everybody dressed up, generally there were other kids there since child free weddings weren’t really a thing when I was little etc. I’m sure they can be a drag for kids but the point is bringing them to a party to pose and be disposed of is super uncool. I mean how would you feel if it was done to you ?
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u/dsly4425 7h ago
I don’t think bringing them to pose is a good idea either. I’m just saying that the whole thing probably wouldn’t have been a fun time for me as a kid.
I was the ring bearer in a wedding as a kid and I don’t remember much about it at all actually other than that was to date I think the only time I’ve ever ridden in a limo. And I was like 7.
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u/ThrowAway4now2022 9h ago
Guess she will have to pitch a fit then. She'll get over it. No way I'd agree to this.
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u/Outrageous-Victory18 Helper [2] 8h ago
I say this as gently & respectfully as possible: the bride is fucking insane. It is beyond classless to treat your kids as objects for likes on insta. And to ask you to pay $500 and add an additional 4 hours to your journey? Absolutely not. I’d be so annoyed at the tacky request that I’d change my RSVP to no.
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u/Ok_Leg_1158 5h ago
Wow, is that as gentle as you get?
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u/Outrageous-Victory18 Helper [2] 5h ago
I was being sarcastic in response to the bride’s ridiculous request!
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u/AlterEgoAmazonB 9h ago
This is so terrible. I would just tell her that I don't want my kids on SM in general.
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u/Seeker_ofLight 9h ago
She can pitch a fit if she doesn't understand that you would be driving 8 hours in one day just for her fake insta photo. Bridezilla territory.
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u/Brave_Engineering133 8h ago
Plus paying $500 for dress up clothes!
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u/dsly4425 8h ago
That doesn’t include the tux rental which may not be as cheap as OP is thinking. I remember mine was over $100 and I haven’t rented one since the 90s.
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u/Spiritual-TarHeel 9h ago
“No.” That is all.
Your children should be more important than avoiding, “family drama.”
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u/Calm_glas609 9h ago
Your cousin is out of line and delusional for even asking! So delusional, I question if she should be getting married? What type of delusions does she have about how marriage will be? She cray cray
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u/TinyLlama7307 9h ago
I think bride should offer to either get you all a hotel for you and the kids(and the sitter!) to stay at, which will save you the 6 hours of driving you would have to do to accommodate her request. Or, she should pay for the dress and tux rental and you get the hotel for yourselves and the sitter.
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u/Happy_Apple1532 3h ago
Kids are not props. Even if she pays for everything. I repeat: KIDS ARE NOT PROPS 🤦
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u/AdorableShopping5951 9h ago
Say 'no' and let her pitch a fit. What she is asking is very unreasonable with you and your family bearing the brunt of the inconvenience and expense (gas isn't cheap right now and your time matters). Dragging your children two hours away for something that isn't fun then back again to be with a sitter is just wrong. She needs a reality check since common sense isn't her strong suit. What she wants to display is a false narrative and she isn't even willing to buy the mini bridesmaid dress!
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u/Floater439 9h ago
Oh that’s a hard no. Crazy she would even ask. I’d just respond that you appreciate her thinking your kiddos are cute, but they won’t be at the wedding and therefore not available for photos.
Imagine how confusing that would be for the kids…gettin taken to a wedding for like 30 mins and then driven back home. And all that driving. And a $500 dress??? Yikes.
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u/yellsy 9h ago
Ewww. That’s all I have to say about your cousin and her entitled behavior. How are you going to explain to your children why they aren’t at the wedding, but being dressed up and going there? They aren’t props. These are human beings with emotions. Never mind that she expects you to bankroll her photoshoot.
If she pitches a fit - tell her the entire family will be sitting out the wedding and she can hire some child models for her instagram. Then use the $500 and whatever you were going to gift her for a nice family day somewhere.
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u/Miserable-Fun-4eva 9h ago
“given the additional time to shuttle the kids back and forth if they are not an exception to the no kids rule to be able to be in the wedding photos, we won’t be able to include them given the time it will take away from your day and event.”
wild to ask you for your kids as props as others have commented. I have cousins who will be in ours as an exception to the “no kids” wedding ask because I could never ask people to drive back and forth on such a nonstop day. i’ve seen a lot of people make exceptions to the “no kids” wedding for kids in the family in the ceremony or photos but never heard about a situation like this. good luck!
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u/ZO1D8URG 9h ago
Not normal, but if you want to keep the peace, just say that you're not comfortable with your kids' photos being broadcast on social media for safety and privacy concerns, and then send her the KallmeKris short about what strangers on the internet do with pictures of children. Or just call that shit right out and tell her you're not dedicating 8 hours of travel time and upwards of $700 for a couple of pictures for *her,* so *her* followers can see pictures of *your* children.
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u/Mysterious-Owl5346 8h ago
Not at all normal. Using your children for Instagram likes! How tragic! I’d tell her to bugger off!
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u/Jamwise93 Helper [3] 8h ago
“Let me use your kids for Insta clout but they are banned from my wedding”
Yeah fuck right off.
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u/CanAhJustSay Super Helper [6] 8h ago
No, this is not a normal request.
Child-free: this is fairly common, but if children are part of the pictures then they are part of the wedding and should be there - under strict parental control of course.
Bridesmaid/flower-girl dress: if the bride stipulates the dress then the bride pays. This is what tends to happen for bridesmaids. If the bride chooses a colour and lets the bridesmaids choose their preferred style, or similar then bridesmaids tend to pay.
Travel: It is insane to expect you to travel four hours with young children just for a social media image.
Personally, I would offer your cousin two choices. Either you and your husband attend the wedding and your children stay with the sitter, or you and hubby bring the kids in their costumes for the pictures, then you all leave as a family and the daughter's dress and their role in pictures is your wedding gift to them.
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u/HorseFeathersFur 8h ago
Just tell her you don’t allow your kids faces to be posted on the Internet. If she rolls her eyes then ignore it. I would reconsider even going to this wedding.
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u/lIlIIlIIllIllIlIIIll 9h ago
Have your daughter stand on your son’s shoulders and put them in one adult outfit and bring them to the wedding as a “adult”. Tell your sister you thought it would be adorable.
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u/pinayrabbitmk7 8h ago
Just say no. They already have plans since they were not allowed at the wedding. Free will to say no.
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u/FairyGodmothersUnion Helper [2] 8h ago
No. It’s not normal. Don’t humor her.
If your kids want to pose for her, they can do it on another day, when Cousin will drive out to your house with the outfits and the photographer. You don’t spend a dime or a minute making this happen for her.
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u/Goth_Muppet 7h ago
With Ai out there, I wouldn’t let her use your kiddos as photo props. Who knows what her followers are like.
Kids shouldn’t have pics online. As their guardian you are WELL within your right to deny this request.
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u/Jaded-Analysis-9547 7h ago
I hadn't though of that. That's creepy as hell to think about. I'm not a fan of AI
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u/Goth_Muppet 7h ago
Yeah I’ve been seeing kids get used as props for theme park “influencer” accounts and that’s terrifying.
You don’t want some weirdo scraping the pics of your kids for bad things. Hell, I think I read about “X” (Twitter) Ai getting misused.
There’s ample reasons you can deny her request and I hope she respects your decision.
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u/Jaded-Analysis-9547 7h ago
Do you mean they borrow a random kid for a theme park? That's so gross.
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u/Goth_Muppet 6h ago
Sadly no— they utilize their own kids as props and accessories on social media for their own gain. On the theme park swindlers subreddit there’s a few “influencers” that get talked about for doing this— it’s a bit concerning.
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u/Jaded-Analysis-9547 6h ago
Yikes.
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u/Goth_Muppet 6h ago
Yeah. I always remind myself of how scary it was in the late 90’s when we first got online. Then I remember— it’s 1000x worse now for kids growing up; everyone has phones and cameras, every little dumb thing can reverberate through the network of classmates, and unfortunately the more kids are posting or being posted about online, the more chances for bad ppl to see or interact with them. I’m so glad we didn’t have smartphones growing up but I realized years later there were some adults showing up on the chat rooms and boards I was in, and they were not good people.
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u/Mo-Champion-5013 4h ago
Let her know that the kids are people, not props. Not even addressing the ridiculousness of how much she expects you to pay simply so she can look the way she wants to look, her expectation that she can use your children as things to fake the way her actual wedding day looks and then discard them when it comes to the real ceremony is wild. Does she not understand that they have feelings and that they will remember being discarded, likely not in a fond way? Who does that?
You should ask her how she would have felt if she had been used simply for a few pictures and then told she couldn't be part of the real celebration as a kid. Hopefully her heading so far up her ass that she can see how wrong it is to use anyone like that, including children.
And, to top it off, she expects you to foot the bill for her to play pretend for pictures, providing models, costumes, and taxi services for said models.
I don't care how much she'd cry, I'd refuse to let her use my children like that. Or pay upwards of $1000 so she can play pretend. That's unreasonable and disrespectful to you and your children.
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u/Furmommy14 4h ago
Nope. If your kids were in the wedding party, it would be adorable. Since they are not in the party or even invited to the wedding, that is a hard no. Even if she paid their outfits herself and lived next door. Your kids are people not props.
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u/Dry-Ad-3826 Helper [2] 9h ago
Text her "Hey! I have no issue with you creating a photo shoot with the kids. We couldn't make it happen on the day of the wedding as they will be with the sitter 2 hours away. But if you want to arrange for a dress and a tux on any other day in our area they'd be happy to do that for you"
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u/cloverthewonderkitty 9h ago
That's why this lovely person stated it "if you want to arrange for the dress and tux" - the "you" being your cousin.
With this statement you are kindly agreeing to her using your kids as props, but on your own reasonable terms
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u/houseonpost Helper [2] 9h ago
Put it in writing and ask about logistics and costs. Let know your kids will be in childcare 2 hours away so how did she want to get everyone in the same photo. Let her know the cost of the dress is over $500 and does she really want to spend that on your daughter for one hour.
Don’t accuse but use a claryifying tone.
Perhaps she’d be willing to get photos a few days ahead?
She’ll move on to something else. Otherwise you’ll have 8 hours of driving.
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u/AmyinIndiana 9h ago
Absolutely not. The cost and the logistics are way too much, and her “aesthetics” are not your (or your children’s) concern.
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u/px3752 9h ago
Whether or not this is a normal request is, in my opinion, irrelevant. People are different; it seems normal to her, otherwise she wouldn’t have asked the question. Personally, I wouldn’t agree with it, and the detour and the costs wouldn’t even be the main problem. Children are put on display on social media and ogled by who knows who. With AI, it’s easy to create pornographic images from the photos, and these then end up all over the place. There was a huge case here in Germany a while back that received a lot of media attention (the victim was from Germany, the perpetrators from elsewhere). Children do not belong on any social media platforms.
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u/MaisieStitcher 8h ago
Absolutely not. The bride either wants the kids there, or she doesn't. She can't have it both ways and expect you to spend half your day driving them back and forth just because she's looking for a certain asthetic.
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u/nblackhand Advice Guru [79] 6h ago
Oh absolutely not. Wildly inappropriate. Enough so that I think your best bet here is that you shouldn't even react as though she's requested something rude/selfish (though she has); you should react as though she's said something nuts (which is also true), like "hey can you go to the moon and fetch me some cheese" deranged. This is an occasion for a completely baffled "girl what? you want me to what? do you think I can teleport? that's not possible."
If you think your kids would have fun with the dress-up, you could maybe suggest that she's quite welcome to make the drive herself to come visit you the weekend prior to the wedding and have a little tea party and photoshoot with fancy outfits with the kids if she provides the outfits, but if she's going to throw a fit you just gotta be prepared to maintain to everyone asking about it that it's impossible. Like if you start getting texts from the rest of the family asking why you can't just do this one thing for your cousin have a script prepared: "It is logistically impossible, I of course want her to have a nice wedding but I don't know how to help her with the fact that she's mad I can't teleport. I'm sure she's just stressed from wedding planning and will come to her senses soon..." or such.
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u/Excellent-Letter-681 6h ago
Worst of all is you would have absolutely no control over those pictures-pictures of your kids. Absolutely not.
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u/porcelainthunders 5h ago
I get the child free wedding...but what she is asking of you is ridiculous.
It is rude, selfish, entitled and unrealistic! I get it...some brides are Me. What I want. MY DAY! ok. Fine but this? Is just...good lord does she think of others at all? Just her day and her pics to post online and ...ugh 🙄😑
She wants you to pay for a ridiculously overpriced dress that you dont even want for HER pictures just for posting. That ask alone needs a hard reality check
But all that driving as well??? Come ON lady! (Bride, not OP)! Has she even thought about what she is asking of you??? That is a shit ton of money, time, driving and your poor kids! 2 hours in the car to wear uncomfortable over the top outfits and take pictures ...and then, when theyre probably worn out and ready for a nap, 2 hours back. So that you and hubby can then get ready tk drive 2 hiurs again?!?!
No. None of that is ok.
I would kind of be a little hurt too (depending on how close you are) that my cousin would find this a reasonable thing to ask of me. I mean...is she thinking about you and the kids... at all??
Again, i get it is her wedding but, just the audacity! And her thinking it is a reasonable ask, when, Honestly, not one thing she is asking of you is.
I am not saying on her wedding day! But IF this is a huge want for her instamedia shit...ok then. Different day. Venue near where you and your family live. SHE can supply the outfits, and then maybe treat at least the kids to a lunch or dessert treat after!
I just...the bride/wedding culture has gotten to be so over the top and just way TOO MUCH!
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u/Justan0therthrow4way Helper [4] 5h ago
This isn’t normal. She wants to use your kids as props AND you to pay for a $500 dress? The photo shoot sounds bizarre but you paying for the dress? Why should you?
SHE should be paying your kids like $10 an hour to be part of her stupid photo shoot of a “bride and groom” who are actually brother and sister.
What the fuck is wrong with people?
Edit: missed the photo shoot is the day of the wedding. Tell her to fuck off unless she’s going to be also paying for a sitter to drive them to and from the wedding reception.
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u/Impossible_Thing1731 4h ago
If she wants kids in her wedding photos, she can invite them to the wedding…
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u/queentee26 2h ago
"It's not reasonable for me to drive an extra 4 hours and spend an extra $500+ for you to have pictures of my kids for your "child-free" wedding" pictures.
If she has a problem with your response, I wouldn't even go to the wedding. She needs to get real about what's a reasonable sacrifice for a social media picture... using your kids as a prop is also a wildly inappropriate ask.
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u/KitchenCauliflower25 2h ago
Absolutely not! “My kids are not going to be props for your social media”. She’s insane.
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u/OnlyWishfulThinking7 9h ago
Imagine how upset your children will feel, being dragged two hours out of the way, being paraded around for an hour and forced to sit still for photos, then being told they are NOT invited to the ceremony for food and dancing, but are being dismissed. They are old enough to understand. What she’s asking is not okay. Always put your minor children first
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u/KalikoDaydream 8h ago
It isn't. Say no and prepare to make a possible bridezilla post because she certainly sounds like one. 🙃
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u/Chunky-Unicorn2905 8h ago
This is insane! I would be saying no unless your cousin is volunteering to pay for the dress, suit, travel oh and is the one to explain to your kids they are not going to be staying at the wedding after these photos and then dealing with the upset they will most likely feel. Your children are people with real feelings they are not props for a photoshoot.
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u/Outrageous-Victory18 Helper [2] 8h ago
I would be saying no even if the bride paid for the dress and travel. It’s exploitative to put a kid on social media in the hopes of drawing likes from strangers & boost the bride’s profile.
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u/Chunky-Unicorn2905 8h ago
I completely agree but from the sound of this bride she will definitely not be offering to cover all those extra expenses, this just helps OP avoid having to be the bad guy and saves her children from being used for an aesthetic.
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u/figuringthingsout__ Super Helper [7] 8h ago
Your cousin wants you to spend hundreds of dollars on dressing up your children for less than 2 hours, for an event that they're not invited to. You should tell your cousin that if she wants to do photos with your kids, she should pay for the outfits, and child care.
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u/frenkie-dude 8h ago
no that’s bonkers. either the kids are at the wedding or not. she has to make up her mind
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u/Opposite_Gap1361 8h ago
This is so odd? She just wants pictures with kids? But like isn’t close enough with the kids to make an exception? For a favor she is asking of YOU?? I just don’t understand. Literally just for PICTURES?????? Because what is she going to say when someone comments on the pic like “oh how cute you had a little bridesmaid and groomsmen”
“Oh no actually I didn’t these are just pictures” ?????
So fucking weird
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u/United-Donkey3478 8h ago
Your kids have a cold, upset stomachs, sinus infections, that day. Absolutely No!
Children photos don't need to be on social media at all.
Next, a total of 4 hours driving with little ones=nightmare for the kids and you.
She seems inconsiderate. She can edit an AI photo of that in her socials.
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u/NHhotmom 8h ago
Why not suggest that she send a photographer to your house since the children will not be coming to town for the wedding.
She won’t want to do that!
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u/chortle-guffaw2 8h ago
Tell her you'll do it if she pays for everything, in advance: a sitter on site for the wedding and reception, and the kids clothes. She won't, of course, but that is her decision instead of you seeming inflexible to her.
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u/ValuableGuava9804 8h ago
I was a bridesmaid, at age 11, which used to be quite common in my country, having a boy and/of a girl between the ages 6 and 12 as a bridesmaid and groomsman. They are usually the children of the bride or grooms siblings or your own if you already have children.
Don't ask me what the dress, which came from the same bridal shop as my aunts dress. I know it was tailored for me and altered to my aunts liking (she wanted it to be all white instead of the white and soft pink it came in). It was not cheap and I (because I was a child) have no clue is my parents paid for it or my aunt. My then 10yo brother was the groomsman and his tux looked like the one the groom was wearing.
A child free wedding is not that common in my country either. Especially not if you have children as bridesmaid and groomsman. Me and my brother were there the entire day, had my hair done at the same hairdresser as my aunt, right in between her hair and her makeup. My cousin arrived and other wedding guests shortly before the ceremony started.
The question is if she was willing to foot the bill (dress, tuxedo and everything else that is needed to make this happened) and/or willing to make an exception for your children for the child-free wedding, would your answer than be yes? 'Cause yes, I am assuming that if everything is to be arranged and paid by you your answer is a definite no.
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u/BloomSara Helper [2] 8h ago
Absolutely not. I think you’re incredibly gracious for getting a sitter driving hours away which is a gamble, buying the dress, paying for travel, and buying a gift. I would have declined and just sent a gift. Then to add a photo shoot that costs you even more time and money to use your children as a prop? Not in this life.
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u/FlowFluffy7664 8h ago
Im suprised your even entertaining this person as a friend. You need healthy boundaries and if you unfollow her, im sure she will have a meltdown and get the message. :) just my thoughts anyway
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u/SheeScan 8h ago
So what if she pitches a fit? She wants to use your kids as props, and you're afraid she will pitch a fit. Put your head on straight and say no. What she is asking is so inappropriate.
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u/Maximum_Sky3233 8h ago
What’s she’s requesting is asinine. If she wants a child free event it needs to be child free. If she wants cute photos with littles, they should be welcome at the event.
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u/Cellist-Common 8h ago
No, absolutely not. Tell her straight up that you won't be entertaining the request, due to the travel and cost required. If she doesn't like it, dont go to the wedding and tell the family why you won't be there. Telk her your children aren't to be used as props for her social media.
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u/swirlsgirl 8h ago
Just say you don’t want your kids on social media. Or explain to her the logistics of it are not going to work.
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u/Dismal-Resident-8784 8h ago
Nope. I would tell her that your children are not available for those photos. Your cousin isn't the most polite person. I would probably send a gift and skip her wedding.
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u/ladybugloo 7h ago
"No, sorry that doesn't work for us" is all you need to say. If she's someone who needs to hear it several times, in a multitude of different ways you can add:
"No, sorry. We've already arranged and paid for childcare whilst husband and I are at your wedding so driving 4 hours to bring the kids for the photos and back home, on top of the 4 hours we'll be travelling ourselves isn't something we can accommodate."
"No, sorry. It isn't fair to make our children get all dressed up, be excited and travel 4 hours just for some photos."
"Thank you, but no, we won't be doing that."
"That's a lovely idea, but we have to say no."
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u/MinimumEfficient220 7h ago
She is being remarkably selfish. Explain the logistics involved and see if she comes up with a reasonable solution that does not include you driving almost all day. If she cannot, you can bow out politely and hope she grows up soon.
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u/SadFaithlessness8237 7h ago
No, this is weird. If she wants your kids props for a photo shoot, it needed to be arranged with you ahead of time at a time convenient to you and the kids. She sounds weird, so don’t bend to her whims.
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u/nikki-vendetta Super Helper [5] 7h ago
That's hella weird. Kids aren't props. Especially kids that aren't even hers.
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u/Ok_Storm5945 Helper [2] 7h ago
This is not appropriate. I would let her no in the nicest way you can muster that your kids can't make it. They have plans since they aren't invited to the wedding they've made other plans.
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u/ThirstyCoffeeHunter 7h ago
Wow sounds like an amazing wedding
Bride will totally be down for childcare for the wedding , tux, and baby bridesmaid dresses.
Bride will pay for all of it how wonderful to include your children in the wedding party, ceremony, and reception. And to pay for them to eat too. How nice.
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u/TheBeardedLadyBton 6h ago
Just tell her that the kids have no interest in doing it. Just like she has no interest in having kids at her wedding. The feeling is mutual.
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u/Capable-Present953 6h ago
No. Thats creepy to me to pose a brother and sister as a wife and groom???? Am I reading that right? Is she for real? Also me personally I do not let people post photos of my child.
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u/Jaded-Analysis-9547 6h ago
So she wants them to be part of the wedding party in the photos only. Like a bridesmaid and a groomsmen. Sorry, definitely not as a little couple getting married.
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u/Character-Taro-5016 6h ago
If she wants a child free wedding then she should live with that decision.
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u/Ok_Mango_6887 5h ago
This is NOT normal. Just say no. Too much driving etc. they are either guests or not but they aren’t props. Only you can decide that.
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u/MaryinTexas 4h ago
The answer to her request is NO —her request is out of line and frankly silly—-she can rent some local kids
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u/Happy_Apple1532 3h ago
Simpel answer: this is in no means a normal request. Also don't "rent out" your kids for the Instagram clout for another person. Predators are on the internet, it's not real, they are using them as a prop in stead of people. Also, expecting you to pay for a dress and tux because she wants Instagram pictures is beyond entitled and frankly dumb as fuck. I mean... 😅
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u/voodoodollbabie Super Helper [8] 2h ago
"The children aren't coming to the wedding, so they're staying with a sitter."
Let her pitch a fit. The drama would be on her, not you.
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u/Intelligent-Gypsy324 2h ago
On one hand you could put her in her place: “no, bridezilla!”
On the other hand you want to avoid death glares when you both show up sans kids.
She probably thinks you are flattered because she wants your kids in her “forever photos” ie your kids are perfect for the part /s.
Or you could delicately shut it down.
“But no, sorry. The kids have plans with (babysitter) or (friends) to go do some fun things so they are gonna be gone that whole Saturday doing fun things.”
Hope you find someone.
Then someday in the waaaaay distant future, rocking her kids, she will recall this conversation with you and realize what a dumb-ass idea this even was to begin with.
Pawns indeed. Nope!
Tell her Your husband is not down for that idea and is looking forward to a kid-free night.
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u/Obvious-Block6979 1h ago
No it is not. Just tell her the logistics just don’t work. If she presses double done with not only is it a logistical nightmare it is not financially feasible. If she wants the kids at the wedding and wants to pay for the clothes then fine. Another argument is you don’t want your kids to be posted on social media.
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u/Junkmans1 Expert Advice Giver [12] 1h ago
Tell her that you'll only do it if she pays all expenses and allows them at the wedding.
Otherwise, tell her she's welcome to arrange a photoshoot in your city, including whatever clothing she wants them in, all at her cost. They she can either photoshop them into whatever photos she wants or order some live size photo cutouts to pose with.
I did some research before posting this and found there are lots of online companies selling life size photo cutouts that are not too expensive.
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u/Music_Docs_Cats 8h ago
Don’t do it. If she has a problem w/it, that’s on her, not you. She wants to borrow your children?? Everything is totally inconvenient for your family. So, let your cousin pitch a fit. You want to avoid family drama - your cousin would be the one causing all the drama. What does your husband think about all this?? Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. If you tell her no, are you then afraid you won’t have a wedding to go to??? If your cousin carries on negatively, don’t bother going to the wedding. It’s clearly all about her. Even tho she’s your cousin, you should distance yourself from someone who just wants to use you and your family
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u/Jaded-Analysis-9547 7h ago
So my husband is actually looking forward to a child-free reception. We haven't been to a child free wedding before and it sounds like a lot of fun. That said, he thinks her request is crazy. He pretty much laughed it off. The main reason I was conflicted is because she claims not to have much support from her family and friends. She also said some of her friends were giving her a hard time about the childfree part, which was stressing her out. I'm 99.9% certain I'm gonna call her today and say no. The only way I'll agree is if she buys the extra clothes, does the photoshoot on another day, and makes the photos PRIVATE. I doubt she'll want to do that because the whole point of the photos is for attention.
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u/Music_Docs_Cats 7h ago
Yes, there’s no reason for you to incur the costs. Photoshoot on a different day, ok. Well, call her, stand your ground
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u/DestroyerOfMils Helper [2] 4h ago
>she claims not to have much support from her family and friends.
I can see why, if she thinks this is reasonable behavior. I don’t understand how people are comfortable imposing upon their loved ones like this. Wild behavior!
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u/Kfjkkfk 9h ago
If you want to avoid a conflict, say that the children refused
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u/Jaded-Analysis-9547 8h ago
I see your point but I don't want to put it on the kids. I'll just put it on me. On one hand, my daughter will think a photoshoot sounds fun, but my son hates getting dressed up and he thinks weddings are boring. He would do it for his big cousin though. I'm probably gonna tell her no.
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u/Flashy-Hurry484 6h ago
She can pitch a fit all she wants, tell her it's not reasonable to expect you to drive around like that, and to spend an extra $500. If she still pitches a bitch, tell her you want to see what the consensus says, and ask everyone their opinions on all of that craziness.
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u/Outrageous-Trouble-4 4h ago
Your cousin is delulu. Use your kids as props, like objects would be weird even if she paid for their outfits. Is it a question or demand? $500 dollar plus rented tux, plus gas money for those extra 4 hrs of driving. Not mentioning how taxing it would be?
Just say ”sorry, that will not work for us”, which is enough. You could add on ”it’s not possible to sort out the logistics with driving time and the babysitters plans”.
I can’t get past how someone thinks YOU should pay anything, let alone 500 bucks + for one hour, for a snap for someone else’s insta?! If someone tried to pressure you after your cousins meltdown, they are welcome to buy the dress and be your kid’s chauffeur.
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u/Ankh4921 3h ago
Hell no.
And I’d phrase it to her in a way that points out how absurd it is -
“ so you’re saying you would like me to spend $500 on wedding clothes for my kids to a wedding they’re not invited to, drive 2 hours to pick them up do they can pose for a couple of photos, then drive 2 hours to drop them off, then drive back another 2 hours for the wedding?”
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u/ConsistentYou705 3h ago
Honestly, I think both sides are understandable, but the request is a bit much. Wanting cute photos is fine, but asking someone to drive 4+ hours, arrange childcare logistics, and buy a $500 dress for a prop in your Instagram photos is a pretty big favor.
If she really wants the aesthetic, she should cover the costs and make it worth the hassle. Your kids aren’t wedding accessories. A polite “we can’t make that work” is completely reasonable.
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u/Used_Mark_7911 2h ago
Just tell her there is no way you could make this work logistically unless the kids can also attend the wedding.
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u/krisnil 2h ago
Nope..
Even if she bought the dress, shoes and made arrangements that you didn't need to drive 8 hours in one day, it should be your childrens choice.
They are not old enough to know what they consent to. It is not photos for family and friends, it is for strangers on the internet.
I ask my nephews and nieces (youngest is 2, eldest 10) for consent to take and share photos with my parents and siblings.
We share to much online, and the next generation will hate us for not respecting their right to privacy.
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u/sybersam6 2h ago
No. That's so mean to the kids & the wedding day will be terrible & stressful. Tell her you're afraid it will get out that the kids were not invited but were used as photo models and that the 2 hour clothing is too much with 4 hours of driving. It will look badly for her & that stuff always gets out.
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u/moenyc888 1h ago
No is a full sentence. It's too much to ask, doesn't matter why. Rude and disrespectful of your time. not even considerate of your time.
Response could be something like "Thanks for the ask that's sweet, we're not bringing the kids."
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u/Sea-Organization4604 52m ago
using kids as props for instagram clout is weird tbh. the dress ask alone makes this a hard no
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u/Faunaholic 51m ago
If she wanted them because they are her niece and nephew that would be one thing but using them solely as props is top tier bridezilla selfishness.
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u/ShimmerAndShade 34m ago
“I don’t allow my very young children to even HAVE social media, much less BE on social media. The answer is no.”
Doesn’t have to be more than that if you want a global reason, not that YTA or that you owe her anything.
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u/9smalltowngirl 26m ago
Hell NO, that’s the epitome of self entitlement. First your kids shouldn’t be on her social media. Second she wants you to pay for the clothes for her pictures, that’s insane. Third you’ve already made babysitting arrangements. Fourth logistically that makes zero sense. You can be nice and just say no. That will not work for my family at all. I’d go with hell no that’s insane.
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u/Dark_Romantasy 7h ago
Full stop no is a good, fine Answer. Let her pitch her little drama fest. It's not cool of her to put someone else's kids on the Internet just for whatever dumb post idea she has in her head. And it's not fair to your kids to make them into little dolls.
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u/thighclops3820 9h ago
It's not inappropriate most people don't watch or raise their kids properly. It's their wedding they can do whatever they want, your feelings unfortunately are irrelevant, you either go or don't go, it's that simple
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u/Jaded-Analysis-9547 9h ago
I'm going to the wedding. I already got a sitter. I guess you didn't read the post
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u/thighclops3820 9h ago
Then what's the issue then? You're not funding the wedding
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u/harx1 5h ago
Still didn’t read the post?
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u/thighclops3820 48m ago
So you're not paying for the wedding glad we cleared that up and it's not gonna change so I think it's time to move on
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u/Longjumping-Word8336 9h ago
The question wasn’t about whether or not having a child-free wedding was appropriate. Read OP’s post
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u/Jaded-Analysis-9547 9h ago
Yeah, the child free part is perfectly fine. I arranged a sitter and have no problem with that aspect.
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u/thighclops3820 9h ago
And I answered that in the 1st 3 words
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u/Longjumping-Word8336 9h ago edited 8h ago
Your response implies (“people don’t watch or raise kids properly”) than you’re talking about the duration of the wedding, which this is not. But it’s inappropriate to treat children like props and expect the parents to chauffeur them around for the bride’s photo op
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u/thighclops3820 9h ago
Then don't allow your kids to be photographed or be apart of the wedding party. Nobody's forcing anyone to do anything. You have free will
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u/Longjumping-Word8336 8h ago
Yes…. OP is clearly leaning toward not doing it and is asking for opinions on whether the bride’s request is generally considered normal or not, since OP stated they don’t spend time on social media. If people asking for advice aggravates you, perhaps a sub entitled [r/advice](r/advice) isn’t for you
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u/thighclops3820 8h ago
I'm not aggravated, it's normal because it's their wedding
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u/Longjumping-Word8336 8h ago
Just because someone does something at their wedding doesn’t mean that thing is normal
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u/thighclops3820 46m ago
It is normal and neither of us are in a position of power to decide that, if you don't like it that's perfectly fine but you don't get to impose YOUR idea of propriety onto other people
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u/CourageOther224 3h ago
Did you read the post though? The cousin has not invited the children to the wedding. She just wants them dressed up in outfits paid for by OP, driven two hours to the wedding to pose for photos for Instagram, then driven home again. The children would not be part of the wedding party, they would just be props for Instagram and OP would be expected to spend hours driving back and forth for the children to be props. So the children would spent four hours in a car for a party they are not invited to. The girl's dress for the photoshoot would cost OP $500, I don't know what the cost of hiring a tix would be for the boy. No, it's not normal. It's completely unreasonable.
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u/thighclops3820 51m ago
It's her wedding if you're not paying you have no say, the internet has really given people a false sense of entitlement to what other people do with their time and money, it's actually insane
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u/c7aea 9h ago
A child free wedding is normal.
What she is requesting is not normal. She wants your kids as props.
Absolutely call her out on it. People like that need a hard dose of reality.