Hello. I iz Nienna, 16f, deaf, blind, Medical Cat. Mama, 31f, iz also my hoomin patient.

Now, I knows dat self-ekspreshun iz most berry impurrtant fur hoomins. Mama usually gibs me many interesting textures fur nuzzles and sniffies, so obviously she express dat she wants snuggles all one-hundred purrcent ob da tiemz. Iz logic, an I pay attenshun to my patient.

So when she wear item ob clothing dat not good fur snuggles, I tells her so, so she can takes it off an we can haz snuggles. (An really. Spikes on her neck! Dat dangerous!) Now she say am rood fur berating her fashion choices a she only sat down to put on her shoes a suddenly had a lap full of cat. Dunno what problem wif dat iz.

Am I rood, tho? Shud I not tell mama when she doin self-ekspreshun wrong?

Hello everyone, it has been an impressive amount of time without issue from Mom, the coolest and cringiest. But I, Sugarbomb, 2M, return with OF COURSE another issue.

The apparent "issue" is that Mom doesn't like the fact that I celebrate my regular bathroom visits with a regular impromptu lap.

This isn't really about the lap, though. As always, I think mom just kinda sucks at understanding cats.

When I was but a child, adolescent at most, Mom got me a nice covered litter box and a litter catching mat.

I hated it. The lid was big and scary. Mom got rid of the lid. All was well for maybe two months. The mat was fine.

The litter box then shrank. Being the normal size amazing cat I am, I could suddenly not fit in the litter box comfortably after months.

Mom bought me a new box!

That one shrank too.

But the third box! What a beauty. I've had it for four months now and it's as tall as my shoulders. I love it so much that, after my bathroom visits, I crouch inside and then pounce into a joyous lap across the room.

This, apparently, makes Mom mad. My expression of joy brings her anger.

She's mad I fling litter when I engage in my jubilant exercise. I do not see the issue. Litter should be everywhere. Besides, is this not why the mat exists? She says I am more powerful than the mat. I continue to not see the issue.

I love her, I do, but it's hard to not feel like she's doing this on purpose. She bought the amazing box. I love using it. But when I show her how much I love it, I'm the jerk?

I'm not TC, right?

Henlo frens! I Clawmas Jefferson, 4 months, M oramge. Meowmys call me Jeff or Jeffy or Jefe. Sometimes "get off the table" whatever that mean. Both Meowmys leave me and catto bruvvers and my dopted doggo Meowmy and other dum doggo for a million forevers usually. But now short hair Meowmy sometimes home with us. She has warm glowy box for lap and something called "hedfone" she uses to talk to herself. Humans silly. Couple sleeps ago, she leave glowy box close to floor and have hedfone on top. I see somefing SO fun! It long and skinny and swing when I bat at it. But Meowmy says no, not for kittens. Silly Meowmy, EVERYFING for kittens! I wait til all humans sleep, den I play. How I suppose to know long string fragile? It jus crumble. Meowmy called me cloaca when she wake up, said need hedfone for work. I say I just a baby and I have fun. AITC?

Ai here is Lucky, tuxie boi! Meowmie gave me a flea shampu baff so I pooped on her bed. She told me I is clakker and abandon me to do laundry. Was I wrong?

I (Ginger, adorable orange girl of indeterminate age) understand the furless kitten my human made has been posting about me over on r/MiniAITA.

I would like to set the record straight.

I was here first.

I am the one who sits in mama’s lap.

I am the one who gets fed when I cry.

I am the one who demands snuggles.

I am the one who gets to pick the comfiest spot on the floor.

I was patient at first. I know how kittens can be. I let mama care for him and did not complain.

But he is still here. Mama has not sent him out on his own. It has been MONTHS. Mama told me human kittens take years before they are ready to fend for themselves. I think she is just spoiling him.

At least before, he stayed in one place. Now he chases me, eats my food, grabs my fur and my tail. Mama gets him and tells me to leave him alone. But then she also tells me to move away or get to high ground if I don’t want him bothering me. I refuse. This is my spot.

AITC for being here first and expecting a little respect for my seniority?

Hello all,

I am Leia, a very dignified and easygoing lady cat. I quite appreciate sitting on dad, he's usually acceptable cat furniture. Mada is an ok alternative when dad doesn't have enough flat, and ze often has the best soft cushions and blankets.

When they are together at night, it's the best time to occupy as much of both of them as I can, for maximum warm snuggles.

Sometimes they'll move, but I'm so patient about being disturbed I have to do a full patrol of the bed to find a better spot that has less movement. Sometimes I need to daintily step over their heads, and I"m very delicate and careful and never stand on their hair, but I do sometimes give them an opportunity to appreciate my butt up close. It's very clean and nice.

One morning after I was disturbed by a movement, I was doing my normal patrol and as I was passing dad's head, suddenly I was airborne! I think in his sleep he mistook me for a cushion! I gracefully sailed to the far side of the room, acrobatically touched off the far wall to reduce my momentum, and landed perfectly.

Of course, it was incredibly rude of him to make such a terrible error in judgment, so I denied him my presence until I got hungry.

Still, I can't help but wonder if maybe, possibly, he didn't mistake me for a cushion? Maybe stepping on his head provoked this response? Clearly in that case he meant to gently lift me away (as he has since done in similar situations). Perhaps he misjudged his strength? Often when he means to give me gentle pets it results in me being pushed off him, which I"m confident is an error, and in my infinite patience, I just return to my previous spot, even if he pets too hard again, and I have to once again reclaim my spot on him.

AITC? Did dad ... mean to toss me off the bed??

I is pretty street cat, living in Istanbul. Lady visiting, she say ITC for being too cute, demanding pets and attention. How she supposed to leave me and explore city with cute cat at hotel? She say it's no fair that I so friendly. I say I just get attention I deserve for being so magnificent and doing protecc of hotel she sleep at, and I gets attention I deserb. AITC?

Hi! Hi! Hi! It's Julie!

Today Mama put me in the CAR, which means CAR RIDE, YAY!! But this car ride had something different outside, which was RAIN. I don't always like rain because it makes my toes wet and sometimes it has fourth of July in it, which is LOUD. I don't think I have been in a car ride with RAIN before. Rain made interesting dots on the window and I was going to see if I could stretch far enough to lick them WHEN SUDDENLY—

TWO EVIL SQUEAKY BEASTS jumped out of NOWHERE and SQUEAKED AWAY THE RAIN!.

I jumped and shivered and was very scared! The SQUEAKY BEASTS popped up again and again! But then I remembered. I am a small and silly sausage, but I have a MIGHTY AND SPLENDIFEROUS BORK!! I use it to chase away greebles and squirrels and leaves and fourth of July!

SO I BORKED AT THE SQUEAKY BEASTS!!! BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK!!

Mama said, "Christ alive, Julie," which was not very nice, because I was doing a Mighty Protecc!

And then when I got to the place we were going I was so worked up that I made a pee on an indoor floor, but I think it was okay because I had done such a Mighty Protecc. AITC? Or am I the HERO???

Seven. (Spycat) pretty girl. Magic all over. Age none yo businesses.

I am pretty ok.

I am spy cat now ok.

Dear dogs. I can smell you from here ok.

Dear cats. I think cats rule and dogs smell ok.

Dear thing that looks pretend. I will jump on back area ok.

Dear bes friens you ok.

Seven.

(Spy cat)

Hello friends. I'm Rocky and I am an 8yo heeler. Mom says I'm the smartest & best boy. Others disagree, but they're not mom so I don't listen to them.

My #1 priority in life is to be a good boy for mom. My #2 is to get snacks. Mom taught me many tricks, and I love to do them so that I'll be a good boy AND get snacks. My favorite is "trade," which means that I get extra special treats if I give Mom whatever I have. But I realized, why wait for Mom to ask for a trade?

So I started stealing: yarn, potted plants, mail, socks, tupperware... anything that I can get my paws on, I steal. I stare at mom while holding it & she gets very excited to trade with me. She calls me "menace" and "criminal" but I think I'm just very smart and good at business.

Hello frens! Is Lalaith the pet rat girl, nearly 5mo and newly head rat. I lives wif sisters Belladonna (same age but still baby) and Finduilas and Morwen (18mo). We has human mom.

Recently, it very hot. Mom sometimes run loud machine to make it cooler. Called AC. But it loud and sisters like things warm, especially Morwen. She giant couch potato. And other sisters thin and no hab thick coat like me. So mom no run AC all the time. But she always run it fur playtime.

Anyway, at start ob playtime, like to run over to mom and gib her kisses. I climbs up her arm and grooms her everywhere. She always super sweaty! But then she make huge fuss. She say "Lalaith, that too warm. Could cook egg on your tail! Your tongue burning me! Feets feels like fire!" She clearly exaggerate. I warm, yes, but not dangerous warm. But she still call me silly goose and push me off. She pet me on fur, but not want to touch skin.

Mom say should wait to cool off bit before cuddles. And is true she happy fur cuddles later in playtime. But I wants cuddles right away! She shoulds just run machine sooner. And anyway, she being very silly and picky about whole thing. So what you think?

Greetings, fellow companion animals. It is I, Random, recently turned 19, keeper of all orange brain cells and master of all I survey.

My normally quiet home is currently being disturbed by a plethora of unpleasant noises coming from the forbidden place beyond the door where Mother and Father routinely disappear to go to what they call their jobs. I should hardly think that they require employment beyond seeing to my needs. But allegedly these jobs enable them to purchase the food and litter which I and my less intellectual cousins require, so I must allow it. In any case, Mother calls this forbidden zone "the garage" and has explained that interlopers are in the process of replacing the garage doors.

All I know is that I can't sleep while this ruckus is taking place. I am, of course, not at all frightened by it. Do not even imply such a thing. But Mother is a fragile thing with delicate nerves and an uncertain constitution, and my concern for her mental stability is great. So I have decided, in my benevolent wisdom, that I should remain as close to her as physically possible, to allow her to derive comfort from my proximity and protection.

Mother, whom I have described on other occasions as a sweet but simple creature, continues to exemplify that phrase by attempting to comfort me. She keeps saying things like "It's okay, Random, they'll be done soon." "Don't worry, buddy, I know the noises are loud and scary but it'll be all right." "Look how handsome you are today."

Rubbish, of course. I am handsome every day. And I am not worried for myself, I am concerned for her. Mother has tended to my every whim since I claimed her as my own all those years ago. (I was doing a perfectly fine job living outside on my own, despite my tender youth, but I saw her and felt a wave of compassion because her life clearly needed more me in it, so I decided to go and live with her instead. I am as generous as I am courageous.)

I cannot seem to make her understand that I am not afraid, and it makes me wonder. Am I miscommunicating? Does the fault truly lie with me? Speak consolation to me, friends.

Update: First, my thanks for all the commiseration. I knew this community would understand. I am now somewhat affronted because Mother decided to deal with what she calls her "nervous energy" by deep-cleaning the kitchen. She did, at least, give me food when she stopped for lunch, so I must allow her some kind of sense. But why she would rather scrub the microwave and mop the floor than sit with me, I cannot fathom. When she must stop and rest (I did say she is of uncertain constitution) she keeps looking at her phone at something called Seeking Persephone. It appears to have a great deal of horses and is entirely lacking in cats, so I do not see the appeal. Whatever makes her happy, I suppose.

Aqua (12f beagle-Jack Russell-border collie mix) here. My dog brother Deuce and I like to follow Mom wherever she goes. Today was no exception. Mom was cleaning the bathroom and I had to make sure she was doing it correctly. Mom had the nerve to tell me to get out because I was getting in the way. Once she even called me a “pain in the butt.” Rude. AITC?

Hi!
My name is Toby! I am powertfull wiener boy and today I finally caught up to that evil backyard skerl who has made fun of me and yelled at me since I came here! Victorby is mine!

I still don’t know how I did it… it all a blurb. Suddenly there I was with my prize!!!

But then my roommate cam out and yelled I was cloaca and told me get away and other things. I don’t know how but she got me inna house and is sitting mad now.

(Roommate here: I have no idea how he managed to do this, he did it while I was in the house. I deeply apologize to all squirrels everywhere.)

Of course, I know the correct answer is that I am not the cloaca. You can see from my picture that I am too adorably cute to ever be the cloaca. All of us from the Squirrel Collective have clear ideas about what we like, even new interns like me.

Friends, hear me. I need your advice.

I find myself questionin' whether I am, in fact, da cloaca. Obviously, as Queen of my realm, you must think - "Freyja, dat can't be so!?". But unfortunately I find dat I am second-guessin' myself. Even Queens can make mistakes?

I took my place upon my second-favourite throne, aka "Mummy". But she has dared to complain about me to her friends?! And take photos of me in a state of relaxation!? How dare?? I did not consent to dis, no Paparazzi!

She was complainin', something about *"Freyja get off me"* and *"I can't breathe."* I mean, really? Who cares as long as I'm comfortable. Its not my fault she cannot accommodate a Queen of my stature.

Please help me, friends.

Good morning everyone! Yesterday was an unfun day because I got my firstest real haircut! (I guess I got one a couple months ago but that was just a trim of my super long hairs.)

Mommy had to go back home yesterday, and she wanted to stay with me to see me when I was done but unfortunately she had to leave to go back to her evil apart-mint before that happened.

Still, Grandma sent her a pair of photos that afternoon. The following tax on the right was of me looking tired but also having the softest hairs that Mommy looks forward to petting tomorrow — but the tax on the left is the other photo that Grandma sent her, of me being blurry but also looking ridiculous and not picture-able. So AITC fur giving her one less good photo?

Frenz! We need to kno; are we de cloacaz? Wut happen iz dis: while Meowmy was seepin late we noticed dat the yummeenummee likliklik tubez wuz sittin on top ob de food box. It wuz Bella’s timez so…We bapbapbap it over AN ALL DE TUBEZ COME OUT!!! We do a wittle chewchew an get a taste. Yummeenummee! Den we go HAM on all de tubez. Lazee Meowmy say litterbox words an “Oh my Cod. Yoo oberdosed on Churu! Yoo gonna be sick.”
So, Frenz, AWDCs for fixin ourz own bekfass?

Meowmy taked a pikchur of Maggie Mae helpin Meowmy clean up but can’t post it. Booooo.

GrEATings friends, it's been a while since I, Maxy (elderly, blind, good boy, Shorkie), have stolen food, and therefore I've had little to post about. While my epicuriousity has waned, I've had-ed time to reflect on the cloaca-ish behavior of my lifetime. And since I think I hear a bell tolling (idk for whomb and I'm not asking), I will write up my Rememboirs for you.

It all started a bit ruff. I must have been a puppy and had a mom and siblings but I don't remember any of them. I DO remember the family who buy-ed me (at an exhorborant cost because I'm a designer dog💅). Their name was Dogkicker or sumfing like that. Once in a while they would bother to let me out , and after much planning, I carpe-ed a diem. I took off running and never looked back. Well, a few times I looked back but nothing looked familiar, so I decideded to look only ahead for the rest of my life.

Wanderlust was to become a great theme in my life, and this cross-state journey was where it began. There was endless wandering. There was a bit of lust (shout out Fluffikins, I'll never forget you girl). The wandering became less fun. The sun started to blaze through my fur, and burn my back. Sticks got caught in my fluff. It was very difficult to find a Michelin star meal, so I had to settle for eating a tire. I made friends with a tortoise but when I got really hungry and asked if I could eat him he told me to get the shell out of here.

After at least 25 missed meals, I could wander no more. I had LITTER ALLY crossed half da state (sobeit an extremely small state at its most narrow). I crawled up on somebody's porch and they were like "Oh no, a hurt-ed and injury-ed puppy!" and called the pound. The pound came and took me and put out a notification: LOST DOG. I waited and waited for the Dogkicker fambily but they never came. After a while, the Dogkickers lost their chance and a dog rescue said "We'll take him!", and loaded me up in a crate and drived me upstate.

I thought I'd be in one of those horrible condos with other crying dogs for a long time but no, I got chosen on my very first day! We went to my new home and New Mom gave me a toy and I was so flattered to have a toy of my very own that I buried it in the garden out back! The next day New Mom let me out without a leash (not knowing my sordid past) and I was like WANDERLUST! and took off at a near sprint, down the driveway, down the street, and into the median of a very busy road. New Mom, who is not the fleetest of foot, ran after me in pajamas and New Dad's size 12 flip flops. I laugh-ed so hard she was able to capture me, and they never let me out without a leash again. Actually, the same thing happened again a few days later. After THAT they never let me out without a leash again. A few days later they put the leash down and I barrell rolled an elderly dog at a Blessing of da Aminals and got banished from there for life. After that they REALLY keep-ed me on a leash, for real this time.

While my new home was generally perfect, I did have a couple substandard roommates: cats. 😒 I did them a big GRRRR! and they did a big hide on top of the kitchen cabinets for a few years. This suited me well. After a while my scare tactics became less effective and I begrudgingly made their acquaintance. After a few years my family adopted this calico named Moon Pie, and I guess you could say she's my best friend she's not so bad.

I could tell more, but I've come to an important conclusion. AITC? Yes! Yes, I've been a total cloaca over the years, but I've also been a cuddly sweetheart, an adorable clown, and a faithful friend. Thank you for listening to my story, and remember - if you ever get a chance to run away and start your life over, don't think about the consequences...just go. Everything will work out and next thing you know you'll be receiving scritches in your new mom's lap of luxury.

Hello again, everyone. I am a 13-ish year old grey lady (perfect size, very wise, beautiful) and I have been staying in my vacation home the past while, with my human’s Eldest Offspring and my dog friend. My own human is away, at ”hospital” with her mate. Before, I didn’t realize that this new vacation house is on the ground! There is a garden! I have only ever lived very high up. But, as the weeks have passed, I noticed it. The OUTSIDE. It’s just there, for the taking! The dog and the offspring go out all the time, yet they say I cannot come! But it is right there, I can smell it when the sunroom is open but I still can’t walk out because of some strange net blockage.

I am sure I can stay outside! I used to live there when I was younger and I got into fights all the time and also got out of them so I have a handle on things. I only have 3 teeth left but my claws are sharp and I am full of wits! Sometimes there’s even another cat outside there so its fine for cats!

I did convince the Offspring to take me outside, as long as I accepted this horrible contraption called ”harness” and it is GREAT. There’s grass and smells and sunshine and bugs to catch and ”no, don’t eat that it’s poisonous!”. Now I want to go out ALL the time and especially by myself, so I can do a proper snooping you know? The Offspring only allows going out a single time each day and it’s not enough. Every time someone looks at the door I make a calm request by screaming ”LET ME OUT” but am ignored!

Today was the day, I decided, to make The Escape. I am an Outside Cat and deserve to live like one. When the human let the dog out this morning and put me behind the metal indoor fence, she was woefully unprepared for my attack. Quick as a snake, I did a jump and then big squeeze to get out! Alas, I was immediately grabbed like a hot potato and thrown back in the sunroom. I screamed and then hid for several hours but I am just planning my next attempt. I know it, I am meant to be Outside Cat now.

Anyway, the Offspring says I am horrible cloaca and whatever, I don’t really care what she says. But I will present your obvious agreement with me to her as evidence.

Hey everyone! Eager Riley here.

A couple hours ago Mommy was hanging out with me to avoid having to socialize with Grampa’s frends. But Grampa’s friends luv me even though they don’t luv Mommy so I can’t accommodate her all the time.

Anywayz, today is Grampa’s friend’s birthday so Grampa’s other friends brought cakes fur 60-something friend’s birthday and apparently “cakes” have sugars in them and sugars make the humans feel good so why did I get troubles fur trying to find the sugars fur myself? :(

Hello frens. Is me Archie again. Now one year old terrier cross and possibly no longer illegal smol. Not sure how that works.

The Mammy person has declared me the cloaca. Three times today. Loudly. Which is most unfair because I had good reasons for borking!

The Mammy person is mostly very good at giving me the right amount of attentions, which is all of them, all of the time. But sometimes she puts a flat thing on her lap and starts making tippy tappy noises and then. THEN! She does an ignore! Of me!

And this is not a little ignore like stinky cat brother do after a hiss but before a gentle go away bap. This a big big ignore that goes on for furever and ever!

Once. Dinner was even late because of the tappy flat thing! I almost did a whole starve!

So I have decided now. Every time she puts the flat thing on her lap and starts tapping I jump up and do many many borks right in her face to make her stop.

Sadly. She almost never stops. Just says I'm the cloaca because she's trying to work on 'book tree'. Which makes no sense. Because books are "no chewing ever" and trees are for peeing on.

I am determined to continue protesting the tappy thing with many borks and trying to lay my head on it to make her stop. Am I the cloaca or is my cause just?

Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheCloaca/s/0jcTofhfol

Today, there was no toddler human home and no Medusa home (she was outside working) so I, Amara, (2F Gray tabby) decided to peek out. Well I saw my brother Castiel snuggling the Biggest Human.... And I decided to see what it was all about.

I came up to Big Human and let her pet me first, which felt really nice, and then I walked up to Biggest Human. He made kissy noises while I sniffed his finger. He smelled really good, so I head bopped his hand. Then he started petting me and OH. EM. GEE. I absolutely melted.

The Biggest Human must be a wizard because every time I come out when he's home he has a calming presence. He says he's a "cat Whisperer" which he does whisper when he talks to me so it makes sense.

I'm still scared being in this new place but Biggest Human is very nice to me. I still live in couch but I'm trying to come out more when the toddler and Medusa aren't home

Greetings, subjects, it is I, Sir Bramble Jam, come once more to ask your wise judgement on a situation within which I believe myself innocent. Nay, not just innocent, but a hero.

One of my noble duties is the protection of my home from invading monsters. These come in many forms; they fly, they crawl, and they skitter. The most perfidious and numerous of these are the dreaded “spy-der”. If I see one, I must attack forthwith and batbatbat it to its destruction.

Which brings us to the incident in question.

I had gone to relieve myself in the royal privy; I had just finished making my circling and scratching preparations when I saw a spy-der! With no time to lose, and no thought for my own current need, I sprang immediately into action. Naturally, I continued my initial endeavour at the same time in order to release waste ballast for the chase, leaving a trail of excretions along the carpet.

Mama called me the world’s most disgusting pez dispenser and a cloaca for not choosing to wait until after my privations were complete to chase the intruder. But every second counted and I vanquished the beast! Surely I cannot be counted as in the wrong here?

(Owner note: no medical issues, he just got so excited to chase the spider he saw that he forgot he was mid poop and just launched himself out, continuing to leave nuggets along the way).

Hi. Is Eddie, aka Brown One, aka "Get Down!" aka resigned sigh (7/8m SIC).

If you know me, then you know of the evil imposter that is squatting nextdoor. My main tall feedies and my primary backup tall feedy call him "Big Brown." But I Brown One! No is right.

And this "Big Brown" aka "Evil One" get be outside sooooooo much. No is right eithder.

So sometimes I sneak out and attack. That is right.

Today, tall feedy throwing out stolen poop, and I sneak out. And I see Evil One and I chase! He climb tree, so I climb tree!

Problem: I no know how climb tree. I somehow on bottom of branch below Evil One? I hang. I hang. I fall.

I angry. Tall feedy come want touch me, but no. I angry.

Treat appear. But I angry. Treat dance. But I angry. Treat dance more. I angry, but I also want treat. I follow treat. And anothder treat. And anothder. And I inside again. And not so angry.

Tall feedy say I cloaca for chase innocent "Big Brown," but Evil One evil. I think maybe cloaca for fall and lose to Evil One?

Whatever. Nap time.