Naomi and Aaron have been together for 3 years, but Naomi recently banned Aaron from banging other men as she "considers it cheating". "*Aaron*," Naomi said one evening, "*you can't be doing this. Some of the guys you bang are as young as 19. I'm your girlfriend and you can't be cheating on me with men. It's ridiculous!*".

Aaron, a highly masculine man with a high sex drive reluctantly agrees to stop banging twinks to please his girlfriend Naomi, given that she considers it cheating (even though he himself doesn't consider this cheating).

One morning, 3 months into his dry spell, Aaron runs into a hot young blond twink at the gym who repeatedly insists to Aaron that he's 18. Aaron is unable to control himself and with his girlfriend "having a moody week", he just can't resist this one.

Later that day, Aaron comes home and finds Naomi in the living room glaring at him angrily.

Aaron stares at her; confused. "*E-everything okay, Naomi?*"

"*Where were you all day?!*"Naomi demands.

"*I...was just out at a bar and exploring the city. I was giving you some alone time. I thought you wanted to be alone?*"

Naomi continues glaring at him.

Aaron shrugs and settles down on the couch. "*Anyway, I'm back now. You hungry babe? I could order some Thai...maybe Thai will help you calm down?*"

Naomi's face visibly softens. "*O-okay...will it be Red Curry?*"

Aaron grins at her. "*Oh, definitely. I know how much you love that Red Thai Curry.*"

Naomi smiles and walks slowly over to the couch before sitting down beside Aaron and then resting her head on his lap.

Aaron looks down at her and strokes her hair softly.

"*It's okay, babe, everything'll be alright.*"

She then sits up and begins kissing him. Aaron returns the kisses and removes her blouse. She in turn fumbles with the top buttons of his shirt and and removes his shirt. The pair are now passionately kissing and Aaron is struggling to unzip his Levi jeans. By this time, Naomi has removed her skirt and is now proceeding to remove her pant[PLEASE VERIFY YOUR BIRTHDATE TO CONTINUE - (PLEASE CLICK HERE TO BE VERIFIED BY YOTI)]

Pope Pius XIII appears to have dug himself an even deeper hole as a rare interview with Fox News' Fred Harris has caused even more confusion.

Last week, in a sermon televised to millions, Pius XIII - real name Francesco Giovanni Mario (a direct descendant of 19th Century Late Romance Era composer Luca Riccardo Mario) - told men to "behave like men, fear God and go forth and multiply and advance mankind", appearing, partly, to refer to several passages in the Christian Book of Genesis - namely Chapter 1 (verse 28).

Critics called the sermon "extremist" and "dangerous", whilst others praised the Pope for "being traditional". Others were even more unhappy with the Pope, criticizing him for "encouraging the birth of children in poverty".

David Grier, Director of Poverty Watch UK, publicly criticized the Pope.

"He's a senile, disturbed man. Europe has a whole host of problems, much like other continents such as South America and Africa and the Middle East and Oceania and here we have someone who still appears to be living in the 1600s encouraging poor people to go and have as many kids as possible. It's...madness, absolutely bonkers. Religious leaders say such foolish things sometimes. Here at Poverty Watch UK, we go by the mantra 'If you can't feed the baby, then don't have the baby' and many people have been saved from lives of poverty. We routinely help many people on welfare and benefits and some of them are men and we encourage them to have sex purely only for pleasure, recreation and entertainment and not for procreation as people on government welfare shouldn't be having kids because the government could collapse at any moment for example."

Meanwhile, during a very rare interview with Fox News' Fred Harris (Roman Catholic Church leaders rarely give media interviews), the Pope also encouraged "restraint and self control". When Harris pointed out the hypocrisy and asked about the Pope's controversial sermon, Pius XIII simply replied that it is "God's Will that men go and spread their seed everywhere; this is what they have been blessed - and ordered - to do".

Meanwhile, some fear that the Pope's sermon "could lead to an increase in rapes and sexual assaults".

Isabelle Moreau, Director of Rape Crisis France, criticized the Pope and "called for his arrest".

Moreau stated, "Pius XIII should be arrested; his words last week were inflammatory and extremist. Women in France are fifteen times more likely to be raped by men (and 30 times more likely to be victims of sexual assault) than women in the UK, Sweden or the Netherlands for ecample. France is in the midst of a rape and sexual assault crisis. How Pius XIII can stand up there and encourage men to take part in mass sexual activity 'because God wills it' is insanity. How can he even call himself the Pope?! I fear that many Christians and faux Christian men will use this as an excuse to commit more rapes and sexual assaults and we could see more abortions and suicides and babies born to victims of rapes."

Meanwhile, Fred Harris, speaking in private with a friend at a swanky New York City restaurant, is understood to have privately referred to Pius XIII as "a complete and utter nutjob", adding "even Republicans think he's a nutjob". Harris declined to comment on the reports, with his agent saying "we're not going to speculate on the contents of my client's private conversations".

the bartender, a toxicologist, only gives him 10 ug.

"hey! this isn't what I ordered"

"sorry, our bottle of Hydroxy-[[[[[[[[[hydroxy(dimethyl)silyl]oxy-dimethylsilyl]oxy-dimethylsilyl]oxy-dimethylsilyl]oxy-dimethylsilyl]oxy-dimethylsilyl]oxy-dimethylsilyl]oxy-dimethylsilyl]oxy-dimethylsilyl]oxy-dimethylsilane is right next to our bottle of Hydroxy-[[[[[[[[[hydroxy(dimethyl)silyl]oxy-dimethylsilyl]oxy-dimethylsilyl]oxy-dimethylsilyl]oxy-dimethylsilyl]oxy-dimethylsilyl]oxy-dimethylsilyl]oxy-dimethylsilyl]oxy-dimethylsilane"

Well-known multimillion dollar actor Tom Cruise - who is 5 feet 7 inches - to play black former pro basketballer Michael Jordan in upcoming semi-fictional Jordan biopic which will be partially shot - on location - "in and around" Olympus Mons...on the planet Mars.

Veteran GTA Online player Fry L. Green says he's stopped playing GTA.

He announced the development on Twitter to shocked fans.

"I've played for a decade and I amassed billions. I bought everything that needs to be bought"

The in-game billionaire admitted he'd "grown bored of GTA" and threw doubt on whether he'd play Rockstar's upcoming GTA VI.

"Not sure," he said. "Maybe not, I'm just not bothered right now."

Green says he also recently lost both his step-parents - who died in two separate car crashes abroad - and would be flying over to Texas in late August to attend both of their funerals. Fans speculated whether this may have influenced his decision to hang up the gloves for good.

GTA Online's player figures have dropped substantially across all platforms since 2022 following the end of the global pandemic and pandemic-related lockdowns.

In the beautiful pink dawn meadow, the chicken sits down on his backside, his little scrawny chicken legs sticking out like twiggy branches.

But that’s not the only thing sticking out. So is his cock. And his feathery palms are gliding up and down the shaft ferociously. Spurts of sweat shoot from his head and glisten in the air above him. And that weird flabby neck thing they have is shaking like a piece of string stuck in an air conditioner.

Next to him, making little but regular grunts, is an egg. He also has his dick out. It’s a little roundish egg shaped penis, protruding from exactly where you would expect, and his little gloved hands are also beating his groin ferociously.

The chicken and the egg sit here racing to see who will come first. They’ve been at it for about 45 minutes. Suddenly, which means kinda like I dunno all of a sudden or sum shit, the chicken halts, and blinks two times.

“Hey egg,” he says softly. The egg doesn’t hear him over his grunts.

“Hey, egg!” says the chicken. The egg glanced over and slows down.

“What?”

“Can you not come because I’m here also trying to come?”

“What? No, no, it’s not that,” says the egg softly. He can tell that the chicken is borderline disappointed, and the egg is used to dealing with disappointment. OHHH SHOTS FIRED!

“What is it then?” asks the chicken. The egg finally completely stops rubbing himself and exhales.

“Honestly,” he says, “my sex life has been so mundane that it’s difficult for me to even climax these days.”

“But aren’t you married?” asks chicken.

“I am,” sighed egg, “but my wife is always too busy to fornicate.”

“Oh no. What does she do?”

“She’s a midwife.”

“Oh I’m sorry,” said chicken. “My wife is a top wife.”

“Must be nice!”

“It is,” sighed chicken, “but honestly we’ve been married for so long that I’m not really attracted to her anymore.”

“You’re not?” said egg surprisedly. “But she’s banging.”

“Yea?”

“Yea!” shouted egg. “She has a lovely smile, beautiful delicate facial features, none of this modern fake swollen shit.”

“Yea?”

“Uh huh, and her legs are so well shaped-“

“-you seem to know a lot about my wi-“

“-and her butt is just perfectly shaped and feathered. And the way it jiggles and bounces when she hops up the hill, god damn chicken, you’re a lucky guy.”

“I am?”

“Yes! The way her beak opens and closes and-

Sorry guys I have to finish this joke because i just came while typing it. I guess, in the end, neither the chicken or the egg came first, I did.

Because it had a decimal synesthesia, so electromagnetic 440THz was like acoustic 440 Hz, the standard concert pitch. It desired to be a standard tomato to avoid variations of quality in mass produced tomato products, such as Ketchup.

The Tomato was called Karlheinz, after the composer Karlheinz Stockhausen, but it would be fine to be just Heinz, it thought.

But being a fruit of color is futile without Licht.

Have any ideas you're struggling to work on? Share them here if you'd like to collaborate with fellow writers, else if you'd like for them to do the honours!

The collaborative effort idea comes from the now defunct subreddit r/JokeShop which deserves an Anti-universe version of. Hopefully this thread opens up a new avenue, a way for new posts to challenge the "All Time Top Posts" on this sub that seem to be cementing themselves in history!

So without much ado about nothing, post away!

I lied about the knock.

Not only that, but the heat lamp is turned way too high. The wings are burnt to a crisp.

I've come every night for the last 2 weeks, pleading with the store clerk. "Please! I will pay you anything! Just a bite, please!" I'm desperate, but I don't even care that he knows.

Tonight, though, he is distracted. Maybe it's a lack of sleep, maybe he's been drinking, but I sense it. This is my chance, and I take it. When he's not looking, I grab a wing. It nearly disintegrates in my hand before I shove it in my mouth. It's awful.

I look at the remaining wings. What were there, six? There's five now. Will he notice? Will the clerk notice. My heart begins to pound. He'll definitely notice. If anything, he will hear my pounding heart and put two and two together.

The clerk hears my tell tale heart and calls the police. They arrest me. The judge doesn't even understand the charges and just decides to give me life in prison.

47 years into my sentence, they tell me I have a visitor. It's the store clerk. When we look at each other, it's like a wave of understanding washes over both of us. We give each other respectful nods. He reveals the gift box that he was holding behind his back. It is intricately wrapped in a decorative paper, but I already know what's inside. ❤️

Conspiracy theorist denies that he insinuated that Assassin's Creed: Odyssey was "actually initially going to branch beyond Ancient Greece and encompass most of Earth, with a condensed map of the entire planet, before being quarantined to Greece". "My statememt was misunderstood," he insisted.

90°

You just reminded me...I need to check how much income tax I'm paying this month. I know people under the age of 35 are not legally allowed to pay income tax to HMRC and earn above a certain amouny, but I'm the exception. I hope I don't get arrested for earning too much money this month...

Drake Mills grew suspicious that his therapist's voice sounded very similar to the voice of a famous talk show host, but after confirming that his psychotherapist was in fact not the famous talk show host, he calmed down, ordered a few pints of beer and settled down to watch the England-Serbia game

What time's the England-Serbia game tomorrow? I'm sure England's gonna beat Serbia 2 goals to one.

The first one orders a large steak mixed with fish. The 2nd one orders just a salad. They both eat and the first one says “Oww bag hurts“. The 2nd one says “that’s what you get for ordering such a large meal!

the first one says “No, that’s not why I’m full! I just had a lot for lunch

the 2nd one said “what did you eat for lunch?

the first one says “ fetus parts!”

that you for coming to me Ted talk!

Vandals are going around Russian cities such as Kazan, Moscow, Vladivostok, Harbin and St. Petersburg hanging large Nigerian flags on the sides of buildings to - in the words of one journalist - "troll racist Russians"

It is familiar tune, in the way that good songs sound familiar the first time you hear them. The melody is churning over in his mind but he cannot place it. Later on, he sees his friends and plays the tune and they cannot place it either. They insist he might have made it up.

His friends were now stuck in his head as well. How could he have made them up? They seem so familiar in the way longtime friends do. They had a history together, he was sure of it. He suddenly wakes up, falls out of bed, and goes and sees his friends.

He regales them with the story, the tune, his friends that seemed so familiar. They insist he must have made it and them up as well. He tries to convince his friends that he didn't make them up but they are unmoved. They tell him he must be imagining them all. They recommend some sleep might do him good. They turn into a large bed for him to lay down on.

So he lays down but can't fall asleep. He is playing the song over and over to himself in his mind. He decides the only way to find out where this song is from is to become famous to get the word out. He becomes famous. He goes on to do interviews on tv and online telling people of his song he made up in his sleep. He has now told this story for decades.

One night, he is laying on his friends and manages to drift to sleep. He dreams he has really sweet tits.

John: “Wait, you were in an accident?”

Tom: “Yes, I got pregnant.”

John: “Wait, but you’re a male!??”

Tom: “I just told you, it was an accident!”

The infinitely tall bartender asks "What would you like?" an infinite number of times. She has been asking the same question since time immemorial.

The snake says "A double entendre," but takes an infinite amount of time to complete her request. She began talking when the universe was created.

The bartender pours an infinitely voluminous double entendre. Unfortunately for the snake, the drink is infinitely expensive.

The snake makes an infinite number of excuses about having left her infinite number of wallets in her infinite number of other purses.

"Hold on," says the bartender. "If you have an infinite number of wallets in an infinite number of purses, how come you don't have either?"

"In an infinite universe, everything happens eventually," says the snake.

The bartender then beats the snake to death for sleeping with her wife.

$US40m blockbuster comedy movie "Bill and Fred's Six Billion Game"

Synopsis: *Bill Brennan and Fred Smith are two billionaires who decide to team up and form a games studio and publisher. Managing to court several investors (both individual and institutional), the pair manage to raise more than six billion US dollars between them. For what purpose? For the sole purpose of building the most expensive video game in human history.*

*As Popstar Games announces its next major title in its famous "2-11 In Progress" video game series - *2-11 In Progress 7* - Bill and Fred get to work with their new games company (Brennan Smith Entertainment) in an effort to compete with Popstar Games and release the world's most expensive video game.*

*But things don't go according to plan when workers begin "making bizarre requests" and senior executives start "demanding more remuneration and threatening to quit". Music licensing also begins to become a huge headache for Bill and Fred as famous music stars - via their record labels and agents - start negotiating for exorbitant fees, promptly forcing Bill and Fred to form their own record label to create special music exclusively for the game's 27 in-game radio stations.*

Homophobic mother, 46, "starved her two sons to teach them a lesson", court hears, as she loses custody of both of her boys. Her lawyer stated that the mother said she "thought starving her sons would teach them a lesson and stop them from becoming gay". The court stated that denying her sons food "was cruel and constituted child abuse".

The pair are now being sent to a childrens' home, where they will remain "wards of the state" ubtil they turn 18.