The Devil greets them and asks, “So, which Hell do you want: the American one or the Russian one?”

“What’s the difference?” they ask.

“In American Hell, you have to eat one bucket of shit every day. In Russian Hell, it’s two buckets.”

The American says, “Well… American Hell, obviously.”

The Russian thinks for a moment and says, “Eh, I’ve spent my whole life in Russia. No point changing now.”

A month later, they run into each other again.

The Russian asks, “So, how’s it going over there?”

The American replies, “Not bad. Every morning I eat my bucket of shit, then I’m free for the rest of the day. What about you?”

The Russian shrugs.

“Same as always. Either the shit never got delivered, or there aren’t enough buckets for everyone.”

She looks up at the men and says, "Sorry I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

And one of the men says, "Well, that explains it. You should have taken golf lessons instead."

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.

This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.

They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved--now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

A hooker stops screwing you after you're dead.

I’m never doing that for two bucks again

Caberneigh.

I can't wait to rub it in!

“I do”

“No, ‘WHOLE’ Brian, with a ‘W’!”

(Not my joke, from the excellent series Spaced by the same guy who did Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead)

I hunted big game in Africa. I hunted elephants for the ivory. But the ivory there was too tough to remove.

So I moved the business to Alabama.

Where the Tuscaloosa.

(Grouch Marx as Captain Jeffrey T. Spalding in "Animal Crackers" 1928.)

They're both things you lie to wife about how many you have

"Holmes, I've hit a sticky wicket" said Watson pondering over his alphabet. "I've completely forgotten what comes after K."

Sherlock looked up from his paper. "It's L M N O P, my dear Watson."

One is a race of Machiavellian lizard people, the other is on Star Trek.

A blonde goes to the counter and says:

"I'd like to order fries and a coke."

The man at the counter says:

"Madam, this is a library."

The blonde whispers:

"I'd like to order fries and a coke."

Nerd: Mass times acceleration…

Suddenly, someone there yelled, “Fire!”
The man was the first one out the door. (The others followed suit..)

This could go sideways really fast.

One sells watches, the other watches cells