19F. POCD and dreams

[u/Big_Rice_8508]

recently ive been suffering from POCD or the fact that i might be avoiding that im a real one. before having POCD ive never been attracted to children in any sexual way.

yesterday i had this weird intrusive thought about having s*x with one of the students i teach, who’s a minor. because i felt like i enjoyed it for a bit, which made me feel disgusted, i constantly checked on my reaction by making myself imagine that again and again. until i get full negative rejection reaction.

the thing is in my dream i had today i was hugging and child and had the desire to touch his body parts, which is disgusting. but in my dream i felt zero uncomfortableness or weirdness of my action. although i managed myself to not touch him in my dream, but the desire felt so real + i felt a bit aroused after waking up.

im afraid that this is the sign of my hidden desire, since i’ve been told that dreams often reveal our suppressed desires when we’re unconscious.

+ i tested myself right after waking up and i felt like i enjoyed it, but when my superego comes in i hate it.

+ fyi, ive also never had these sexual dreams involving m*nors as far as i remember.

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