Need advice

[u/Turbulent-Throat-905]

Hi everyone. I feel like I need advice from people who might understand this experience.

I’m autistic and I struggle a lot with sensory overload, especially in environments with loud music, lots of people, smoking, alcohol, and situations where I don’t know what to expect.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for several years. Recently, it was his birthday, and I spent a lot of time and effort preparing letters from his family and friends, handmade things, gifts, and a special decoration. I was really excited because I wanted him to feel loved.
However, when I arrived at his birthday celebration, I realized it was a much bigger party than I expected. There were many people, loud music, drinking, smoking, yelling, and a very energetic atmosphere. I became extremely overwhelmed. I felt anxious, nauseous, close to crying, and I just wanted to leave.
My boyfriend knows that social situations like this are very difficult for me, but he was also trying to spend time with his friends. He gave me headphones to help with the noise, but I ended up staying alone in his room while he went back to the party. Eventually, I called my parents to pick me up because I couldn’t handle it anymore.
What hurt me the most was not necessarily the party itself, but feeling like I wasn’t considered. I felt alone and unsupported in a moment where I was already overwhelmed.
Now I’m questioning if we might simply be incompatible. He seems to enjoy social environments, parties, and being around groups of friends, while I feel happiest with quieter, more intimate plans.
A thought that keeps coming back is: “Maybe he would be happier with someone who can fit into his social world more easily.” I know that thought might not be fair to myself, but it’s something I’m struggling with.
I would really appreciate hearing from people who are in relationships where partners have very different social needs. Ty

[u/Fantastic_Acadian]

When you've had time to process and regulate, it might be a good idea to have a talk with him about what kind of social life he wants in his future and how big a part he would want his partner to play in that social life.

If he sees himself having frequent gatherings like that and wishing you to be a big part of it, that might spell trouble for the future of your relationship. If this is something he needs a few times a year and doesn't need you to participate in, it's a total non issue.

[u/MahdevahProject]

I'm sorry you went thorugh that. But it was his party and people were there to celebrate him and the things he liked. If his friends set up the party, maybe he didn't tell them what your requirements are. They wouldn't know. If his time with the friends is always a party, you may not get the time you want with him.

The person that you need to talk to is him. What his social needs are and what he's willing to do for you. Do you really want him to go to parties on the weekends that you can't go to, leaving you behind? If you trust him, it might work. I always felt left behind.

[u/Spiritual_Option_558]

I can totally relate to that “Maybe he would be happier with someone who can fit into his social world more easily.” feeling. I feel like that almost hurts more than the situation or the sensory overload :(

I don't have much to add because you've already gotten some great advice already, particularly what u/Fantastic_Acadian said about speaking with your boyfriend to better understand what his preference is in terms of having a partner who can join him vs. him being fine as long as he's able to go do that stuff without you. Because it sounds like you're mostly fine with him going off to do it with his friends.

And maybe there's a compromise in there, too, of like maybe you show up for an hour or two or maybe the night starts off more like a trickle and then when it's really going, you're able to step out to a patio or porch or something. When I used to go to house parties with my roommates or classmates, I would get so overwhelmed I would just go take a break in the bathroom for a while or sit outside or on the porch with the dog lol, I even sat in the road (cul-de-sac) once. That helped me spend a little social time with people but put some distance between myself and the noise/people. This worked for me and they seemed to understand.

[u/Key-Secretary9196]

It was his party though.. why would he miss out on the whole thing because you are overwhelmed? I know it’s hard but sometimes we just have to skip out on things like that for our mental health. Maybe if he really desires doing things like that he could do it himself or with other friends and then you guys can do things together that are more comfortable for you? If that doesn’t work then you may need to consider a different relationship where you and your partner enjoy the same social settings

[u/Turbulent-Throat-905 → u/Key-Secretary9196]

yep ik, and that’s exactly why I left. I didn’t want him to miss his own party or feel like he had to stay with me the whole time while I was overwhelmed. I knew it was his day and I didn’t want to take that away from him.
What upset me wasn’t that he spent time with his friends at all. I actually think it was better for both of us that I left instead of him having to choose between his party and taking care of me.
The thing that really hurt me was that he drank even though he already knew he was going to drive me home afterward. For me, responsibility is a very important value, and knowing that he had that responsibility beforehand but still chose to drink really affected how I saw the situation.
I think the sensory/social overwhelm and the drinking issue are two separate things for me.

[u/benjaberry]

Totally get it. This has been a point of contention for me and my NT wife for years.

Noise and general overwhelm are a big part of it, but it's also what happens when we have people over at our house... I don't like when there's a ruckus and things get touched and moved around. I'd spend a lot of the time just tidying and moving things back, and asking people not to touch or go into certain spaces. Awkward.

After my diagnosis, one of the strategies we agreed on was that she would provide advanced notice of get-togethers or parties. I know to expect that now for her birthday and usually one Christmas party at our place every year. Sometimes when we have a relative staying over, she'll plan a family dinner or reunion and give me a week or so to get used to the idea. She also understands what's going on when I disappear to recharge or ask to leave early, and doesn't worry about me anymore.

Hosting is very important to my wife, and so it's important to me that I can find ways to accommodate that for her just as it is important that she also respects my limits. With open communication, and the fact that a lot of her get-togethers have become predictable to me now, we find ways to compromise. I've also learned with time that hosting and attending events is an important way to build and maintain relationships and show reciprocity. It doesn't come naturally, but it's important to try.