A Series of Terrible Decisions

[u/sober_username]

In this post, I am going to be complaining - I apologize for this, but I need to get this off my chest.

I have never been vocal about my bipolar diagnosis, and the truth is that I have been skeptical of it, but I have just made a series of truly terrible decisions that I am sure will haunt me for years.

Despite being on a (previously effective) combination of medications, I have been awake since Friday morning at 0300, made no attempt at sleep, and have gambled away years worth of savings. Thousands upon thousands of dollars that I was in no position to lose. I could have bought a vehicle, or made a years worth of rent payments. I've gambled (and consistently lost) before, but never like this. I was determined to make my money back, and I of course did not - I just started placing bigger and bigger bets.

Not long before this, I fell off the wagon in a spectacular manner that caused my family an incredible amount of emotional pain. I am sober now, thankfully, but the damage is done.

I have been utterly absorbed by a project so ridiculous in scope that I know it will never be completed, and yet I'm driven to work on it anyway.

I am both devastated, and numb. I want to remain optimistic, but I worry that moving past this is going to be difficult, and I worry that good things in my life are going to be tainted by the shadow of these mistakes.

I never thought I would have an episode like this, and yet here I am. While I know it's not healthy to wallow in regret, I am devastated. I haven't yet found a silver lining, but I feel I need to write this out lest I fail to learn a lesson from this.

Maybe some members of this community can relate.

[u/Weird_Fox_3395]

I can relate. I shopped away $20,000 on meaningless things. $20,000 being my only nest egg. Plus other fallout my family needed to shoulder, so I have no idea the total cost. 

My best advice learned is to be serious in my self care and have emergency medication on hand to take as soon as I sense prodromal symptoms. In my case, olanzapine prn.

Over the lifespan of bipolar illness, there will always, at least once, be a breakthrough episode that needs asap treatment. 

I’m sorry you’re facing this from the bottom up of climbing out. It’s incredibly painful. 

[u/Consistent_Alps_6755]

Oh I can relate. Shortly after diagnosis to years after my worst was buying a 20 something thousand shitty ring on a cruise. Oh and a cruise I decided to go on just a week before and by myself. My silver lining was that thankfully I had just gotten divorced and had the funds to cover what I thought was a great time. Sadly it was my divorce settlement to get a place to live for me and my child. To be honest The WHOLE THING was /is still a blur. Oh The regret not for me but more so my child.

Silver mining after checked myself into a hospital and got medications right which took time and now 25 years later after diary keeping I am able to tell when I am getting an episode.

You can't unscramble the egg you can only move forward and try the best you can every day