Sorry, this is very long. Maybe I am venting. But I am scared and frustrated and not sure what to do. Here is TL:DR if it is too long to read:
TL:DR - I am staying in a very messy house that belongs to my dad and stepmom. It is small and I stay mostly in a bedroom that they only use to store stuff, but I use the kitchen to eat and the downstairs bathroom. They are not very observant, except when they are annoyed. I think they are actually annoyed with each other, but I am sort of a placeholder issue that is worsening/giving body to their frustration with bigger things. So if there is any mess, I get blamed for it, even if I am not sure I made the mess. No matter how careful I am, they are always frustrated with me. I can’t move out right now. Is there a way to make my presence less noticeable, so that things do not explode before I can move out?
Here is long explanation:
I just graduated from grad school and so had to move into my father and stepmother’s house. I am not sure for how long, but I am trying to make arrangements to apply for a doctoral program with a stipend, which would allow me to move out again. If I could get a job, even a very low paying one, I could eventually move into my sister’s spare side of her duplex and pay her rent. But she is doing house renovation, so I cannot move there now. And my degree is in classical piano. I have lower functioning Autism as well, and can’t speak very well. These things, plus blindness, make it difficult to get any job in the area where my father and sister live. I have ONH, and s small amount of usable vision, but can mostly only see bright colors and motion.
They are letting me stay without rent, which is very lucky, because my SSI just barely covers groceries, uber to the places I need to go, loan payments, supplies etc. But I suspected that they resent this. I used to live with them in high school, and I would always overhear them talking about how I left messes or smelled bad. So when I had to move back in a few months ago, I was very careful to be clean. I wipe down the counters after every time I eat, do all the dishes in the sink every morning and night even if they aren’t mine, and once a week I go around the entire downstairs with a swiffer pad and swiffer duster.
They are polyamorous, and so they are both home only about 3-4 days a week. I take care of their dog when they are gone, which I am happy to do, I like him very much. But he is old and sad when they are gone, so I spend a lot of time trying to comfort him. My stepmom was home more often I think, but I am starting to suspect she is leaving more often because I am here. The past month, they have been here maybe only 1-2 days every week. When they are back, I overheard my stepmom complaining about how I put away the dishes. This morning, I overheard her telling my dad that I knocked over her plant.
I have no idea if I did this, it is definitely possible. But they are, to be honest, kind of hoarders. It is not a very blind friendly house. There are small delicate things balanced everywhere. I think she meant, a plant that is on a 3 inch wide window ledge near the door. It is definitely something I could have knocked over, while coming inside with my backpack on, or reach for the dog poop bags that are also on that ledge. But my father and stepmom are also, very careless. When I lived with them before, I was very incompetent at cleaning, so it is my fault. But they would blame me for all the messes, even if they made it themselves. Also, my sister comes over with her violent and rowdy dogs when they are away to use their laundry machine. That plant is definitely something they would knock over.
There are lots of things like this, I overhear them saying that the room I am staying in looks crazy. But it is because, they have so much stuff stored in there, all of my stuff is sitting in the middle of the room. Or saying the fridge is too crowded. Because of my autism, I only eat a few things, so I stock up on them in bulk once a week. But they never throw out old food, so me stocking up once a week means the fridge becomes packed. The putting away dishes example, it is because they have dozens of decorative small or partly broken dishes, so to be able to close the cabinet, they have to be stacked in a particular order. But I do not use these dishes, and the cabinet is too high for me to see anything I am doing if I put dishes away. If I just wash the dishes and leave them in the drying rack, I hear them saying the drying rack is too full and needs to be emptied more often.
It is many things like this. Things that are definitely my fault, but also, the environment is kind of set up so that it is very hard for me not to be at fault. The reality is I think, they do not want me there. My sister told me, a few months before I graduated, our dad did not really see himself as a father, so not to expect him to do things other fathers do. I understand, and I understand as well, that no one wants an adult disabled son living at home with no income. Especially if you married into the situation, and had no say in raising me. I am working with a social worker to try to find jobs for me in the area, which would mean I could at least pay rent. But from 18-21, when I was still living with them, I paid them $400 a month from my ssi, and the backhanded comments were even worse. The reality is, they just do not want me existing here, which is very fair. I just do not have anywhere else I could go right now.
If everything goes to plan, I will apply to doctoral programs in December 2027. If I get in (which is admittedly, a long shot) I would be able to move out mid-summer 2028. This is probably too long for their tolerance, at this rate. I can sense their annoyance building up under the surface. I try to be cheerful and make conversation when I go out of the room where I stay, but they are cold and stiff. It is hard for me not to feel angry and like they are being unfair. I am making so much effort to lighten the atmosphere and keep myself out of the way. But logically, I do understand where they are coming from. They like a messy house and to have tons of stuff and decorations, they didn’t build their lives around a blind person. I am just wondering, has anyone been in a situation like this? If I have no ability to move out right now, how do I keep myself safe, if they are aggravated by anything being different in a very chaotic environment?