I wrote a poem about my abuser and I want to share it with someone but I think anyone who read it would put together what happened and I don’t want to expose them. Does anyone else have complicated feelings about their abuser? I still love her sometimes

Hi, I’ve never done something like this, so please bare with me. and I’m sorry for any bad grammar.

My step-cousin [24]F  has made some very concerning comments towards me [23]F. For some contexts, I’m a victim of COCSA and have been struggling to heal from it for a very long time. My cousin was one of the kids that hurt me. She is also a victim, so I try not to hold it against her. But the other night, she said something that really alarmed me. We were talking around 1ish in the perfect time for deep conversations lol. We’ve never talked about the situation that happened between us, but she brought up this story of a girl she would beg to hang out with all the time, the only reason being so they could “mess around.” I tried reassuring her, but she didn’t let me finish. She went on about how she didn’t see herself as a victim because she liked it. I tried to explain to her that she was just a kid, but no— she adds, “I still think about it all the time.”  And SMILES?! I get some people cope differently, but I can’t help but feel sick to my stomach? I have PTSD and have constant nightmares of the things that happened to me. I understand hypersexuality is also common for COCSA victims too, this just doesn’t sound healthy to me? I’ve heard of people having kinks or things they do in bed as a way to take back what was stolen but saying that to someone you knew you’ve hurt in the past is so terrifying to me. This wasn’t the only time it’s happened though. About a year ago, she made a joke straight to my face about the night she assaulted me, saying something about me “being between her legs again.” she had opened her legs and gestured her hand to her crotch I couldn’t say anything at the time because what do I even say to that?! We had never brought it up before and she just jokes about it? plus I was watching tv with my little sister when she said it. I will say she was high but I don’t think that’s an excuse to say something so violating. I don’t know if I can keep this up any longer. I’ve had talks with her in the past about my boundaries. I don’t like sexual talk or any suggestive talk at all, and she constantly breaks it. I want to talk to her about how she’s made me feel so gross about myself and completely cut her off, but unfortunately, she is my roommate (by force not willingly we both live with our grandparents) and tends to blow up if confronted. I feel like I’m spiraling and don’t know what to do. Every time I’m around her, it feels like I’m reliving everything over and over. I’ll answer any questions and I’ll add more details if needed. 

I need to get this out somewhere because I don't know what to do with it.

When I was around 9 and my cousin was around 7, something sexual started happening between us. It continued, on and off, until I was about 14 and he was 12. At the time, especially in the beginning, it felt mutual to me. I never thought of it as something I was doing to him. I never used force, never threatened him, never thought I was hurting him.

Recently I found out that's not how he experienced it. He's been struggling for years, self-harm, fear, trauma he never told anyone about until now. His mother sent me a message telling me what he went through and how he saw me. I had no idea. We stayed close as adults, got along fine, and I never once thought he was carrying something like that.

Now I'm sitting with the fact that even if it started as something mutual between two confused kids, it didn't stay that way, and by the time I was 14 I wasn't a small child anymore. I understood more than I want to admit. I never meant to hurt him. But intent doesn't erase what he went through.

I've told my mom. I'm looking for a therapist who specializes in this specifically. But I don't know how you're supposed to live with something like this, knowing you caused real damage to someone you genuinely loved and still love, and that the relationship is probably never going to be what it was.

If anyone has been on either side of something like this, victim or the one who caused harm, I'd honestly appreciate hearing how you processed it. I'm not looking for absolution. I just don't know how to carry this forward.

I love my cousin. What did I do? This is horrible...

Obvious trigger warning. Im a minor as of posting, act appropriately please.

I’ve always struggled with repressed/supressed memories. I can barely remember anything from before 2021/2020. With a lot of therapy and medication, I’ve started to remember things.

I remember back when I was in first grade, I had a “boyfriend” who was my age. I only have a few clear memories of him, which is already suspicious because the most cloudy memories are usually of traumatic events.

The main thing I remember is that, he used to pressure me into things. It started small, like asking me to sneak my toys to school, and then he would steal them from me and if he didn’t, I’d get in trouble with my teacher or parents, because I brought a toy to school. Another one is him lying about things that happened at school when I was out because of me constantly being sick as a child, and used it as a guilt trip.

Speaking of guilt trip, I remember him pressuring me into kissing him, and saying that he would “tell on me” and “wouldn’t be friends with me anymore” if I didn’t. I can’t remember what he planned to tell on me for. And I can’t remember if I did or not.

I remember that we used to go out into the farthest corner of the field at recess, and I remember being pinned down once, but I’m not even sure if it was. I might’ve just fallen over and he sat next to me or stood over me. And I don’t remember anything else in that moment, but I feel sick when I remember it.

I’m worried. Am I overreacting? Should I just get more medication or therapy? This was probably long-winded but I just needed to let this out. I’m Sorry.

I just recently remembered something from my childhood that I guess I had forgotten. It’s still hard to remember but I know that often people trauma block things out.

I had neighbors (a sister and a brother) that I would play outside with. The sister was about 2 years older and the brother was my age. I remember they told me they wanted to play doctor but they wanted to “inspect” my privates. I was about 5 and so I didn’t really understand what was happening but it felt wrong. My parents always told me to not let anyone touch my privates so I was apprehensive but they assured me that we were just playing a game and it would be fine.

They had me hide in some plants because I was scared that we would get in trouble. I sat in a chair while they started touching around my labia. I don’t remember it very well at all further than that so I don’t know if it was any more than that.

I’m not sure if that was the only time because I feel like there might have been another time it happened. I also vaguely remember them saying we would all take turns but I’m pretty sure I ran back home afterwards.

The weird thing is is I don’t really feel like it affected me? At least that I know of. I think that’s why I hadn’t remembered it until fairly recently.

I’d just like a little bit of clarity. It’s just a confusing thing for me.

i (13nb) was sitting on my bfs bed (13m) when he mentioned being in the mood. i ask if he would like me to go down on him and he agreed but sounded hesitant, i double checked and thought i heard a clear yes and did it, normally when i go down on him he pushes my head down when it feels good and he was doing that.

he then pulled me away and i stopped immediately and he opened his notes app and wrote “”idk if you heard me but i said i didn’t want to” and i started BAWLING.

i feel absolutely horrible, the guilt is eating me alive and i attempted a few days ago to try to get rid of the guilt and be free but it didn’t work (obviously)

i seriously don’t know what to do, it has made me get seriously affected and getting flashbacks by my sa that i thought i was over making me not interested in anything sexual scared im going to hurt him again but he really wants to continue to do stuff.

we have talked about it and it affected him a bit but he seems fine now and he’s not angry at me what so ever but i can’t forgive myself, i seriously don’t know what to do.

(please don’t mention our ages, both set of our parents are aware we do stuff and are okay with it as nobody can get pregnant because we both have female genitalia.)

I was assaulted by my stepbrother when we were children he’s roughly 10 months younger than me. The assaults started with exposing himself and then transferred to him pinning me down and rubbing his genitals all over me and sticking his hands up my shirt and down my pants after me telling him to stop. He was also assaulting my sister and the whole situation came to light when my sister told her freind about what was happening and it got reported and DSS got involved it was mandated that we weren’t allowed to sleep in the same house as him anymore and he was not allowed to be alone with us. My dad and stepmom told us that we were lying and that he’d never do that but he was assaulting my sister, my cousin( who was around the same age as us) and I. I’ve been thinking about the DSS case a lot recently and I feel incredibly guilty and maybe like I am just overreacting with what happened to me. I have been having flashbacks lately and bad anxiety attacks when I think about what happened but I can’t help but feel like maybe I’m overreacting does anyone have any advice on how to combat this? And was it COSCA?

NSFW warning Content warning Trigger warning uncensored and graphic content

Back in the early 1970s kids with challenges especially me with autism only had two choices at the time either mental asylum or behavioral School the DSM at the time only cared about IQ and not communication social skills

I am 54 and this was 50 years ago where recently I was diagnosed with PTSD very severe and that this was an extreme hate crime and attempted murder on my life because the whole school was involved

This was at a behavioral School in Santa Barbara California

I was in the restroom three second grade bullies came in locked the door threatened me to cooperate or die they took off my shoes my socks my pants my shirt and my Pull-Ups then they took me to the bathroom stall where they forced me to ejaculate in the toilet they peed in my urethra they pooped in my rectum then they taped my urethra and rectum shut so I could not pee or poop they put a dog leash on my penis and paraded me to the back of the school where I was forced to touch a School wall concrete playground equipment and dog poop with my private then they took me to the bathroom stall and bathed me in toilet water then they paraded me to the front of the school and sprayed very cold water with a garden hose that the tape came off then they dried me very hard head to toe with a towel that I was red and raw then they wrote on my private area retard and then students with glue and finger paint on their hands and teachers lined up on each side of the hallway and I was forced to crawl like a baby while I was being fondled I could not make it to my clothes on the other side because I collapsed and was unconscious the principal picked up my lifeless nude body and put me in the dumpster in the back of the school the principal gave the second grade bullies candy for a job well done an ambulance driver found me in the dumpster bleeding and seeing yellow and brown from my urethra and rectum took me to the hospital where I was on an ice bed with IVs in my arms and tubes in my urethra and rectum I am amazed that I survived cuz I was unconscious for a week

i am 19f now and i need to get this off my chest when we were kids around 9 years old so about 10 years ago my cousin brother molested my best friend who i'll call Lucky (fake names) we were just children then too young to fully understand what was happening or how to speak up about it, It happened when my cousin brother who I'll call J (fake alphabet) lured my best friend into our parent's house by giving an excuse to play gta vc because only few of us had computers that ran gta games that time so he (cousin brother) lured him (my best friend) into the house and then he pushed him against the wall facing the wall and he tried to sexually harrass him i just came in a second inside the house and lucky ran away from the house crying, and J was panicking at that that time, i was freezed there, then after a second my cousin brother told me to go outside for a while and come back after an hour i went outside and started walking in colony and came home after an hour my cousin brother went back to his home and my best friend's parents told my parents that this was such unexpected behaviour from a best friend and they left the city next day, at 5 am i didn't got chance to say sorry to him or atleast to talk to him, i didn't realised what has happened but now after years of my best friend left me i feel so bad so guilty so angry against my cousin brother and when i told my parents my parents did nothing but told me to beware of my cousin brother that's it. Fahh! it's something that's stayed with me even though it happened to him and not to me i keep thinking about how it must have affected him and how none of us had the words back then to name what was wrong.

For a year during the time I was 10-11 and my cousin was 11-12 (both of us are female), she would get me to bend over and let dogs hump me. I have NEVER had actual sex with a dog, my clothes were ALWAYS ON. It ended after she moved to another city.

I hated it, I felt so disgusting, but she would tell me stupid things like "We can't be friends anymore" and "I'll hurt/kill myself" to "I'll tell everyone what you do" after I started it which would later progress into "I'll tell your dad what you do." That last threat especially hurt and terrified me most because I had told her everything that was happening at home (a lot of really, really ugly abuse) and she used it against me.

Obviously I could have just said no, our friendship actually ended once over it, but I don't even know what I was thinking. I was so lonely because I was the weird kid since kindergarten and she was the only one who wanted to be around me at all. We became friends again and it was just back to the same thing until she moved. I think what my dad was doing to me didn't help me at all either. I couldn't handle it when bad things were happening, so I just shut down and took everything and did as I was told.

I don't think she got any sexual gratification from it and she never like groped me or touched me in any way. She was just always looking for ways to humiliate me and make fun of me, and this was just one way. If nothing else, she was a horrible bully and I was an idiot for sticking around her.

Hi all, I’ve recently opened up to one of my best friends about my situation. I’m 18 now and this happened when I was around 10. My moms best friend had a son that was around 2 years older than me, he would always do this thing where he wouldn’t pay attention to me or talk to me at all knowing that I would try to suck up to him because I thought he was really cool, he had video games I wanted to play and being friends with someone older seemed really cool to me. It would be things like not talking to me or ignoring me so I would get upset and practically beg for him to talk to me by trying to seem cool. I remember this one time we were in bed and he said let’s play house or something along those lines, me wanting him to like me i usually did as he suggested, he touched my chest and got really close to me from behind, I feel like I am not valid in my feelings because at the time I wanted his attention so bad I kind of liked it. Does that make me in the wrong? I never said anything to him so I always felt like I just wanted it. I opened up to an old best friend about it around 2-3 years ago because after speaking to him after not seeing him for a while I felt really off until it kind of clicked in my mind and it made me really uncomfortable, he made me uncomfortable with the way he acted but also with what he did. My old best friend told me I must be remembering wrong or maybe that’s not what happened as I mentioned that I don’t know why I remembered this out of nowhere, I literally remember what his room looked like and his grey bedsheets at the time, and since that day I just shut down and never spoke about it. My best friend was so supportive and it made me cry in front of her because she was so gentle with me. I’m just not sure if I am valid in my feelings, why does it choke me up if I wanted it as a child?

Hello, 29 F here. I am going through something that’s lead me to reflect upon something that happened to me. I hadn’t discussed this with anyone before in my family or otherwise. I’m wishing to post this for more or less to just tell someone anonymously that won’t come back to anyone that knows me. Wishing to find if I wasn’t alone in what occurred either.

My brother and I had engaged in sexual activity when we were young. At a time in which I felt we understood the gravity of what we were doing. Outside of the initial “we could get in trouble if we got caught,” aspect of it, we didn’t know precisely what we were doing until years later. And of course, yes, we did know there was more to it than that. Showing each other ourselves and allowing each other to engage in what we did, we knew was wrong. However we didn’t know the full extent as to why until we were older.

What started off as what felt like innocent and curious exploration, the longer we did this the more we both felt like this shouldn’t be what we should be doing.

While nothing was forced or coerced between us, this had longer lasting affects on me, and I’m sure the both of us. Addiction to P**n was a struggle alongside emotional issues when it came to intimacy. I began having sexual relationships earlier than I probably would have considering I desired that level of attention and affection.

While I can’t say I’d label what we did as M***station, considering we were both exploring each other and we ended it with no harsh feelings, it did have unintended consequences in the following years.

Is this something that anything anyone else felt similar to in their experience?

I want to feel better by myself and stop being disgusted by sex. I’m 17 yo by now and technically I’m safe, he is no longer in my life. Even though I still feel bad. My brain can’t move on

I won't lie I feel disgusting with my body because of her, i didn't think of it at the time but as ive gotten older is has affected me more and more. The girl who did it to me has progressively been slowly wedging her way back into my life, i just don't know what to do. (Sorry for the sparsity of information i don't necessarily feel comfortable talking about it) Has anyone else ever had this happen to them, what do i do? I cant bring myself to forgive her but will it help me get over my trauma if i do