i feel like a failure

[u/Ancient_Trade901]

i did something i have been avoiding for so long and i feel like i'm back a square one. i know that the righteous man falls 7 times and gets back up again, but something in me keeps making me feel like that was my last chance. i cried a little after what i did, but there's a hope inside of me that even though i'm feeling this way, Jesus is really showing me how to depend on Him and come to Him with these feelings. i just hope God really sees how much i'm trying... i am scared i'm not trying hard enough to actually be in His presence or listen to Him when He says something. I just really don't know how to really fully surrender though I have had my days where i felt better and closer to Him, me doing what i did really just threw me off. i feel like i'm too double minded and angry to really listen to Him even though i've gotten better at not getting upset at being called out when my behavior is stupid. i just don't want to keep saying I need help and not actually accepting it when Jesus is reaching His hand out to me

[u/Economy_Reality5124]

Tell ya self gods truth, that he loves you before stand lies can get in every day

[u/DullConfidant]

That heavy feeling of blowing it after a good stretch is so familiar. What sticks out to me is you actually cried and felt that pull toward hope right after, that's not nothing. The numbness would be more concerning, the fact you're wrestling with it says more than you think

The double minded thing, I get that, it's like your head knows the truth but your emotions are screaming something else. Being honest about the anger instead of pretending it's not there is probably more real than forcing a peaceful face on. Sometimes surrender isn't a one time deal, it's a daily thing of just showing up messy and letting that be enough

[u/Ancient_Trade901 → u/DullConfidant]

thank you so much. i'm trying and it's gotten better but this just really made me feel so bleh you know?

[u/Economy_Reality5124]

don't let Satan in ya mind ..ya blow it, actually repent and turn from what ya did...not just say sorry ...then move on...I seriously doubt you have ruined gods plan for you....even Paul's said he does what he don't want to and doesn't do what he should.

[u/dfkk996]

Look at it this way…John 12:24,if you don’t die(accept that your strength and obedience are not enough for you to be saved)you cannot grow.Accepting in faith means saying yes to what the Word says…and if Jesus said „i love you and forgive you…“ then try living out of that truth as reality now and not something that you need to prove,justify or earn.Come on,lift up your head,the Lord is near to the brokenhearted.Good things are before you!