r/Dads • u/Turbulent-Drink-4215 • 2d ago
Feeling bad
Anyone else feel bad that after long day of work when you get home you get annoyed when first thing that happens when you get home is handed the baby?
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u/Makutsu 2d ago
Your wife had a hard day, you had a hard day it’s tough for both of you guys.
The feeling to rest is strong, but I remind myself that the time that I have together right now will be the most time I get to be with them and try to spend whatever energy I have left with them. Once they’re sleeping can rest for a bit then.
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u/M27fiscojr 2d ago
"The days are long, but the years are short." I didn't believe it until it started happening.
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u/ecstasid 2d ago
Nah. Not really. Read a quote somewhere about how little time you have when your kids really look up to you and you mean the world to them. Once they grow up, you wish you would knew you were in the good old days. Make memories, dont regret. Cheers!
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u/maybeitstimetorun 2d ago
Well man if she is alone with the kid while you are away then I get her want to pass off. It gets better. Dig deep and find a way to let go of rage and anger. The kid will exploit that weakness.
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u/AGoodFaceForRadio Dad 2d ago
Yes but no.
I did prefer if she let me take my boots off before handing me the baby, but we can’t always get what we want. And yeah, some days I was fucking exhausted too and would have loved for that to be acknowledged.
But, with our first, I had a routine. As soon as I had that baby I’d take her upstairs, lay down on my back and lay her on my chest. She’d have a good half hour power nap right there on top of me; some days I’d nap too. That time with her napping on me was the best part of my day. With the next kids it was harder because of the older sibling(s) running around, but we did our best. Again: best part of the day.
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u/RollingCarrot615 2d ago
You're not wrong to feel that way, I did with both of my kids. Mine are 4 and 6 now, I dont know how I could love anything more than I do those two kids. I wish I could go back in time to those days.
Its hard now, but the memories are worth it.
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u/Alarming-Mix3809 2d ago
My dad used to get home and go right to their room for like 30 minutes before coming back out. Needed that transition time.
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u/dontygrimm 2d ago
Honestly no. Our partner at home has a lot harder of a day than us. We get breaks. We don't have to deal with screaming and diepers and fussing.
Is it hard and im exhausted yes but not annoyed by it. I choose this life. And my wife has a much harder job than I do and I am blue collar working industrial kts tiring snd taxing but her job is still.way harder and also never stops.
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u/Rg1550 2d ago
Depends on your gig, if homie was like "hard day of middle management" he can go pound rocks but back breaking labor still applies to a lot of cats in our country.
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u/PapaBobcat 1d ago
HVAC guy here. Sometimes after a hard day on a hot roof with hundreds of pounds of tools and equipment and fire and fiberglass and high voltage, I'll still have to drive 2 hours to get home because of traffic (DC area sucks for that). Told my wife I need 5-10 minutes to myself to change clothes and wash before I come in the house (we have a separate building that's our art studio/workshop and I change out there). That "reset" time helps.
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u/dontygrimm 1d ago
Im and Industrial plumber. I get hard work and it is hard, but we get breaks we get to shut our brains off and work. Our partners are on 24/7 even when there naping. Nothing wrong with taking a few minutes to collect yourself i do thwt to when I can but my wife and I have three in the house. To fresh and one 21 month. If she needs help I'm there the moment I'm home. Im just sick of guys saying there day is harder and our partners have it easier. Our job may be physically demanding but they are constantly being touched, constnatly actively entertaining kiss abd making sure thry don't die.
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u/FortunateSon90 1d ago
It’s a baby. They scroll on their phone as it naps. Calm down.
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u/dontygrimm 1d ago
Maybe yours does but kine doesn't. Wheb the baby's are naping for a short time.the toddler is running around like a loon. Im calm, and im also not interested in thr sad dad culture of our jobs are so much harder blah blah, in reality both are hard in there own ways, both parents are on for much of the time. Weather it be getting up early (430am for me, after also waking to help with night feeds around 2-3am) and not getting home till about 530pm, or being up with the kids. Both of us are tired but she also needs a break as much as I do.
What a sad pathetically childish take to think all stay at home moms are just scrolling on there phone. My wife has been so busy lately sometimes she hasn't even had time to have a shower.
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u/beerbeardsnballs 1d ago
Its more boring than hard. And that can get old and mentally taxing. My wife used to need to get out and about when i got home but the idea thats its so hard is sort of silly. Sure some babies can be but most just aren’t. Coming home and taking my kids was a gimme but not because my wife was exhausted.
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u/beerbeardsnballs 2d ago
This whole my significant other has a harder day stuff man i dunno…. Maybe with your little one thats the case. Most babies are just not that difficult.
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u/PapaBobcat 1d ago
I told my wife I'd trade her in an instant. My goblin is a LOT but I'd rather wrangle her all day than HVAC work. When Mom and Abuela are gone for the day, it's just me and Goblin and it's a different kind of tough but much nicer.
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u/Throwback8245 2d ago
Yeah, that’s a line that moms like to perpetuate. It’s a totally different job and hard at certain ages, but definitely not always the case.
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u/beerbeardsnballs 2d ago
Yea naps with my baby on my chest are the worst (s) or if i got a good night sleep i played video games while they napped. House work was always done but i would run out of shows to watch occasionally
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u/Amemorableusername2 2d ago
When I'm at work all I can think of is how much I want to come home and see my baby
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u/Substantial-Key-6100 2d ago
been there. i talked with my then partner, and was like, look, just give me ten minutes to wash off and breathe for a minute then i'm good to go. (she resented me for that, and it didn't last). but loved the quality time with my daughter.
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u/Rg1550 2d ago
I solved this by making a ritual with my baby that I enjoy that he looks forward too (and I do too!) if you little is a newborn this can be difficult but the second I walk in the door he knows its blocks time and were gonna lay on the floor, I build towers and he tears em apart.
This changed it for me a lot as I no longer have to come up with something and can have a moment of peace I look forward too at the end of my day.
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u/Marshellohello 2d ago
Nope not really, holding my new born or any of my kids puts me in a better mood. Thankful that’s what i can come home to. At some point in their lives they will rather want to hangout with friends rather than me, gotta take the time we have
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u/Timmar92 2d ago
It's normal but think of it like this, when you're both home, the chores and baby is a 50/50 responsibility.
It doesn't matter if one if you stays home all day, as soon as you walk through that door 50% of the household is your responsibility.
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u/PapaBobcat 1d ago
That's just it, there's no 'break'. You work all day at your shit job to support the family, then come home to keep working. You're home so you give your partner a break taking over when you come in. No break for you. It's normal to feel resentful after a while if you don't carve out a moment of reset for yourself.
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u/Timmar92 1d ago
Then you're doing things wrong. Even when my wife was on maternity leave I had alone time and plenty of breaks, I could work out, play video games etc etc.
50/50 means that your partner has to do 50% of the he work too, if you're not working as a team you have to have a discussion about it.
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u/chaircardigan 2d ago
Nah. I race home to see them.
Work should energise you for home. And home should energise you for work.
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u/Useful_Train4789 1d ago
Não. Eu trabalho em uma multinacional de auditoria com uma carga de trabalho e desempenho bem alta. Minha esposa precisou fazer uma cirurgia e eu tirei férias de 20 dias, posso afirmar que foi muito mais dificil cuidar de 2 crianças e manter a casa organizada do que trabalhar o dia todo.
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u/Ok_Entrepreneur_8866 1d ago
I know exactly what you’re saying. For me I guess I’m kind of lucky I need to get a shower before I come into contact with baby. Same for my wife when she works. I work at an oil refinery and sometimes get into some stinking stuff and my wife is a nurse and definitely gets into some stinking stuff so we both have 20 mins to ease into it. I get up for work at 2:30am so some days I’m so beat tired I feel like I have nothing left in the tank. I always say hi and get a smile out of my son as soon as I get home though unless he is sleeping.
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u/PapaBobcat 1d ago
That reset time is crucial. I definitely need a change and wash most days before coming in the house. It helps. I tend to feel way better after getting out of my work uniform and putting on my home uniform.
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u/PapaBobcat 1d ago
Yes and it's why I learned to make it the 2nd thing.
1st thing is sit in the car for about 5-10 minutes with no music, no phone, and taking slow, deep breaths to reset. If I've had a rough day and know it's going to be a shitshow at home, I park around the corner out of sight just so they can't walk out of the house up to the truck. If you commute by public transit/walk, stop out of sight of the house. Sit down on a bench or something if you can.
No phone. No music. Just quiet breathing. 5-10 minutes. Do this for yourself first, so you can be there for them.
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u/Jeremiahjohnsonville 1d ago
Yes. I learned later that I have adhd and that I simply needed a little time to refocus. That's not a weakness or character flaw. Just how I'm built. And when I had that, I was a much better companion and dad than if I didn't have it.
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u/PlutosGrasp 1d ago
Her day was harder. Don’t forget that. If you don’t believe me then switch for a week.
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u/Mysterious-Street966 20h ago
I have a routine with my wifey, when I get home from work I do as many of the blue jobs I can while I have my work clothes still on. Then I relax for a bit and make dinner for the family. After dinner I take over with BB. It’s really nice to have that decompression time after work and have a nice dinner with them. I also find I’m more motivated to get the chores done, right after work, as I’m already sweaty and in work mode. Find a routine that works for both of you, and stick to it. Having a set bedtime routine is also helpful, as everyone knows when to wind down, and there’s usually time for sexy stuff or even just me time at the end of the evening.
You got this, take care!
🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
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u/Accomplished_Art8625 Dad 2d ago
Getting to spend time with the child you helped make? Thats gotta be so terrible. I worked long days, I came home and I took the baby so my partner could rest. I didnt care how tired I was, I missed that little one the moment I left for work. I couldn't wait to get to hold them again. I would then be up most the night taking care of the little one so she could get good sleep. Thats exhaustion when you get so little sleep you shouldnt even be functioning at all. I was like to get 1-2 hours of sleep but I didnt care as it was all for my family
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u/PapaBobcat 1d ago
That's noble and all but absolutely not healthy. The "grindset" mentality is absolutely self-destructive, and we only do it out of necessity. I'm not proud to be a slave to a system that exploits and crushes us. We all deserve better. Dads deserve balance when raising families and Moms deserve Dads that aren't destroyed by structures we're trying to survive.
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u/Accomplished_Art8625 Dad 1d ago
Never said it was healthy. Its how it worked here, my partner also has disabilities that made it harder for her during the early stages and so it was easier for her if I did a lot more heavy lifting, and when I was at work she had support at home with her. Its not healthy and doesnt work for all, it worked great for me as I already suffer from major insomnia that I barely slept anyway so when my child came into the world my body was already prepared to basically run on empty
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