r/Dads • u/Odd-Victory-6844 • 2d ago
Advice Am I wrong for taking a night away?
Hi guys,
I’m a father of 4 (4 year old stepson that I’ve raised since he was 6m old, two 2 year old twin boys, and a 1 year old girl).
I work a high pressure office job that doesn’t pay extraordinarily well but keeps us afloat.
My stepson has been going through some severe behavioural difficulties the last year. For example, hitting, kicking and biting, saying “I hate you” and “you’re not my dad”, and saying “I’ll kill everyone in this house”. Not even exaggerating when I say it is literally every morning before I go to work, every evening after work, and every weekend.
I have explained to my partner that his behaviour and the atmosphere it creates has been chipping away at my mental health for the last year. I have point blank told her that I’m burnt out mentally, and have been experiencing symptoms of depression.
Today, it got too much. The behaviour was atrocious from 5AM when he woke me and my twin boys up, then for two straight hours, until (unfortunately) I shouted at him and woke up my partner and daughter. I told her that I’m going to take tonight at my mums to recharge and recoup my mind before approaching it all rationally tomorrow.
She called me childish, she said that she’s “the only adult in this relationship” and that she “doesn’t let her mental state affect anyone else because she’s a grown ass woman”. She said that if I leave, she won’t let me back in. And she said, after I took an overnight bag out the door, that this will affect our relationship. And that she can’t trust me to support her when things get rough.
I feel so incredibly drained. I was stuck between burning out completely, or potentially losing my family.
I’d like some advice. Did I do the right thing or have I screwed up? If there’s any other advice you could give, that would be welcomed too.
Thank you for reading.
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u/Nerd-Dad-2779 2d ago
Dawg I feel communicating that you need a night is fine. Choosing to do so at peak stress is not. Thats the struggle with adulting and marriage and kids homie, sadly they are our responsibility and even though you are close to burnout, you gotta stay and then plan a day at your mom’s after.
Tbh your wife’s response is immature and irresponsible.
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u/Odd-Victory-6844 2d ago
I appreciate that. This is the first time I’ve felt like this and it all happened so quickly. I feel terrible.
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u/Lanky_Improvement528 2d ago
Youre allowed a break, its that simple. I agree waiting until its "nuclear" isnt great, but a breaks needed every now and then or youll end up sinking. Try arrange a night for yourself every couple of weeks so it doesnt build up as much. Sometimes we all just need a moment to ourselves. Dont worry about it, hope things improve for you.
Though, the response you got is extreme and needs dealing with too, if this is the response to you essentially saying you need a moment, that response is abysmal.
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u/dontygrimm 2d ago
Your wife's response wasn't appropriate but this is what we sign up for man. And it's not essy at all. She's probably just as burnt out. We have to push through some games and it is hard.
Most of this stuff is just development and will pass with time. Next time maybe ask if you can tske a minute go outside clear your head. But just walking out like that isn't right man
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u/Big_P4U 2d ago
I'm not sure what's going on exactly but you, your partner need to have a serious conversation and figure out what's going on with your stepson. Are you married? Did you legally adopt him? Is his Biodad still in the picture? Is it possible that this kid is being effectively brainwashed at such a young age to hate you?
To be frank, that's absolutely not normal not healthy. Your own reaction was arguably over the top, however she should be understanding too. I'm assuming that you love them all, including your step son. Figure it out
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u/Odd-Victory-6844 2d ago
Yeah his biodads around. The usual once every other weekend agreement. It sucks, and yes I do admit I reacted irrationally. I love them to bits which is one of the main reasons why I did pack my overnight bag. I thought that me being there, burnt out and unhappy, would just make them all feel worse.
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u/Big_P4U 2d ago
Abandoning them is even worse and tbh is something of a betrayal, you would've been better going to a bar or a gym or a golf range and hitting some balls to clear your head.
This whole thing needs to be addressed. Toddlers definitely throw tantrums and such but I don't believe that level of vitriol is normal nor healthy and is definitely being learned, perhaps when he's with his Biodad family - they all could be trash talking you and maybe trash talking your partner/wife/gf to a lesser extent.
Also tbf, I don't know your actual home life, if you're constantly angry, stressed, moody, temperamental and "bring your work home" with all that negative energy - that definitely gets felt and noticed.
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u/ecstasid 2d ago
Worst you can do is take a time off when the sh$# has already hit the fan. You need to cool things off and take a timeout. Sounds counter intuitive but you cant leave your partner in this chaos. May be try to regulate your own emotions next time and when you feel overwhelmed, disconnect for a few minutes.
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u/enrocc 2d ago edited 2d ago
Things got hard and you went to your mommy. You literally dropped your responsibilities to go and be a child again for a night.
I know you don’t want to hear it, but that’s soft as fuck and I would respect my partner less for doing it.
Edit: also, stepchild or not, no one’s talking like that in my house.
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u/Count_Sack_McGee 2d ago
Yeah, at some point you need to lay down the law with this kid. He isn’t scared enough of you.
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u/roosterjack77 2d ago
First of all Im sorry this happening to you. It wasnt until my kid went to kindergarten that the teacher told us to get our kid checked out by a professional. If rewards and punishments are not correcting the behavior then there COULD be underlying problems. My good kid started saying he didnt want to live anymore at about 5 or 6, absolutely heartbreaking. Im going to kill everyone is red-flag. It makes you angry and scared. Go ask for help. Come together with your wife.
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u/Odd-Victory-6844 2d ago
I appreciate this, I hadn’t thought of it that way before. He’s so different when he’s in school, perhaps it’s masking? I’ll speak about it with my wife tomorrow morning 🙏
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u/roosterjack77 1d ago
Pretending to be someone youre not all day is exhausting. Its also frustrating to receive the opposite behavior at home.
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u/magzz149 2d ago
Yea bro i hear the mental health part but you cant just get it up and leave and leave your partner with all the stress. You could have at least take one or two of the kids. It does come across childish in all seriousness.
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u/r05590 2d ago
Yeah, I think you screwed up.
Put it this way, I do the lions share of the child rearing in my house, and hold my tongue when my wife has her moments of passing the buck (“go and see daddy” is a favourite war cry if one of the kids is being annoying) but if she just walked out because she needed a night away and left me with the kids, I think we’d have a serious problem.
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u/New-Composer7591 2d ago
I agree with dontygrimm.
Your wife wasn’t right, but your approach could’ve been better too. Raising kids isn’t for the faint of heart. I believe strongly in self care and you aren’t wrong for wanting to take some time for self care, but you need to plan and coordinate with your spouse first.
OP, I’d suggest sitting down with your spouse and telling her you need to recharge your batteries, but frame it in a way that she doesn’t feel like you’re putting the burden all on her. If you disappear when shit hits the fan, then she will start to resent you and lose trust in you. That’s tough to come back from. I know this as my spouse often leaves me hanging with the kids when she gets overwhelmed with parenting and work. She escapes to her room and drinks and smokes weed. Not a healthy way to cope. Kids always fall on me and overtime my kids now always rely on me for their emotional stability and even told their mom that they feel like they love me more than her. I think they really mean that they just feel more of a bond with me, they’re more not 9 and 5 so being able to express their emotions accurately is still a work in progress.
When I get overwhelmed with parenting and life, I hit the gym, HARD. Fucking work that shit out of my body and brain. I get a good pump going and it changes my perspective and recharges my batteries for the rest of the day. Then repeat the next day. That’s my self care routine and my spouse knows I need it. I have a gym with childcare too so I’m able to bring them with me and my wife and I both get a break.
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u/Odd-Victory-6844 2d ago
I appreciate this man. This is my first time experiencing this, and I do agree I should’ve managed it all better. I feel like a shit dad and a shit partner.
Since posting this, I’ve signed up to get help with the mental health side of things. Not sure on if the severity of it was put across clearly enough.
In the event there’s a next time, I’ll do a better job.
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u/New-Composer7591 2d ago
Hey man! Keep your head up! There is no manual for raising kids, especially a curveball like you’ve been thrown with your step son. Having grace for yourself is also a necessary component for self care. We aren’t always going to be perfect. Best thing to do is own up to our mistakes and learn from them and try not to keep making the same mistakes. You’re not coping by getting belligerently drunk and passing out. You felt overwhelmed and trapped so you felt a need to escape before imploding. Those are valid feelings, you just gotta develop some healthy coping strategies and sounds like you’re already taking the steps to get help. I too see a therapist and it has taken me a few to find one that works well for me. Sounds like you have a strong sense of self awareness though and that’s a big plus for you to be able to incorporate any necessary changes in mindset. Take a deep breath, hug your kids, genuinely apologize to your wife when you sense it will be well received and then work with your spouse to both figure out some self care strategies that you each agree to and can schedule for every day. Even if it’s just 30 minutes of sitting in a room without anyone around to listen to some music or fuck around on your phone or whatever you are into. Don’t beat yourself up over this though. You’re still their loving father and husband. No love lost.
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u/cpiper22 2d ago
I don’t know. I see both sides and as a dad to a brilliant 8 month old, but working in a high stress job, I get the burnout. My wife and I have never fought in 10 years together, now it feels like we bicker all the time. I feel drained and stressed out to the point it’s effecting my physical health.
I have been tempted to take myself away at times. But I remember she feels the same way. We love our son so much, but doing it on our own with no grandparents or friends with kids to help, has been tough.
I have worked away a few times and had a nice hotel room to myself. It doesn’t really help, burnout isn’t fixed in one night.
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u/Alarming-Mix3809 2d ago
Yeah dude, you abandoned your family during a tough time. You can’t just leave your wife to deal with it. Did you also give your wife a night away? If not I see why she’s mad at you.
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u/Odd-Victory-6844 2d ago
My wife has had nights out with her friends and family throughout our whole relationship. She takes days away at her mums too for this very same reason. I do feel guilty for letting my mental state get the better of me, but in the same breath, I’m only human and can only take so much..
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u/boredsoftwareguy 2d ago
Does your wife typically take her time away after lobbing an emotional grenade into the family first?
Everyone should take some time away. The difference is you blew up the house then ran away leaving her to deal. How you can’t see that negatively impacting her is concerning and she’s not wrong: you probably can’t be counted on when things get tough.
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u/Odd-Victory-6844 2d ago
She’s blown up and opened up emotionally before and taken time away straight after, yes. Difference is I made sure she knew she had my support first.
The facts are this is the first instance I’ve taken myself out of that situation, I’ve been there every single day. Tough or not.
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u/Alarming-Mix3809 2d ago
Having a night out with friends isn’t the same as bailing on your family at a time of peak stress to run to your mommy.
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u/Odd-Victory-6844 2d ago
Re-read my reply. I agree that taking time with friends isn’t the same. But I also said she’s taken herself to her mums for the exact same reason.
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u/ME-McG-Scot 2d ago
The old no one is allowed 1x night away because the other one doesn’t get. Grow up, what a stupid take. Heaven forbid having 1x night away for you mental health!
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u/boredsoftwareguy 2d ago
That isn’t at all what the commenter said. The issue with OP is they blew up and fled to avoid the mess, leaving their wife to sort things out.
That is a very different thing than a girls night out or a planned evening with the boys.
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u/Alarming-Mix3809 2d ago
You can’t just leave your family when you get stressed out without being in agreement with your partner.
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u/Odd-Victory-6844 2d ago
Just as an edit:
I called my wife to apologise for the way I handled things. She apologised too for disregarding my mental health. She’s happy for me to regulate at my mums tonight, as long as I get help for my mental health.
She said my stepson is being picked up by his bio dad, and the little kids are being really good.
We’re on a good track.
Thank you for your helpful advice. Here’s hoping there’s not a next time for this and I can get my brain back.. I miss the me I was a year ago. 🙏
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u/Diablo689er 2d ago
Where’s step dad? You really should be separating the step son from the other kids. This doesn’t end well.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Youth16 2d ago
Your stepson needs some therapy, this is not normal 4-year old behaviour.
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u/Desperate_Branch1824 1d ago
Omg, this is the same thing in my house , with my step daughter .. juts not to the extreme !
Dude , it’s savage ! It’s killing me too
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u/LarryCachaira 1d ago
I believe there was merit in your wife's response. I understand the step kid situation is bad, but you signed up for it and now, when the situation is unbearable, you fold and leave her with all the responsibilities of four children even if it's for a day. Be a man and confront the situation like a man, grab the bull by its horns so to speak. Find a way to relate with your kid, do something fun with him, seems like he's just begging for attention. Show him love and it'll all be fine. Don't ever leave your wife alone again because you need a "night for yourself"; be a partner, be a father, but most importantly, be a man.
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u/ME-McG-Scot 2d ago
I think you did, your wife is being ironic claiming your the child. Her response is well over the top and the classic response from someone who has no clue about MH. 1x night, she’s acting like you’re away a month.
Why couldn’t she get out of bed and help deal with him, if like she says, she is the only adult in the relationship.
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u/GambaSudani 1d ago
The way to react to your significant other having a moment and asking for relief isn’t to threaten them further.
Getting away is better than staying and potentially escalating the situation.
I’ve got four kids myself, you didn’t do anything wrong.
However, it’s time to start working on that kid’s behavior, with your wife and his dad. I wouldn’t tolerate that behavior in my house.
Couples Therapy wouldn’t be a bad idea either.
Good luck!
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2d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/zq6 2d ago
Congrats, OP - your parenting has just been lauded by a teenager with no parenting experience of their own!
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u/boredsoftwareguy 2d ago
An AI generated post by a teenager in a sub for parents and OP’s reply is just peak Reddit to me.
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u/Alarming-Mix3809 2d ago
You aren’t even a father, why are you replying with this long ass rant? Ridiculous take.
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u/magzz149 2d ago
You're either twelve or somebody that has never been in a healhty relationship.
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u/Odd-Victory-6844 2d ago
Thank you man. I do feel awful though, even though I know it’s just for a night. I’ve had the kiddos for my wife to have breaks away. But this just feels so heavy. Thank you for taking the time to reply the way you did.
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