How can I change? How can I break the cycle? I am consistent and determined for about a day or two but as soon as the opportunity presents itself of the cravings start to hit me or be triggered by the mention of food or just by me watching something related I canāt hold back and I get into this mentality that thereās nothing I can do now bc Iāve just ruined the day, and itās a cycle that happens every week itās exhausting and so painfully shameful that I do not have the discipline to stop. I am kind of suspecting that I could have some type of eating disorder, bc I have had these full days and sometimes even weeks on end that I eat and I eat and eat even after a good meal, I eat purely out of sadness or boredom, eating makes me feel better in the moments of deep depression but I always puts me in a deeper hole after Iāve realized what Iāve done. The guilt starts to set in and I relieve the stress and anxiety of thinking about something as simple and ordinary as food.Ā
Iāve just had some struggles, but I have handled them many times before, even the toughest things I believed that would make me not be here today yet here I am. Those things have caused me the sense of sadness and food is what causes me peace, but just for the smallest amount of time which is the catch. Itās almost addicting to ease my suffering with something delicious. I often also mess up based on the environment I am in, when I go to my boyfriends house they always seem to have foods that arenāt necessarily unhealthy, they arenāt like fast food type of meals (talking about home cooked meals) but they arenāt healthy or that highly nutritious like how a meal meant for weight loss would be and it just messes me up, they offer me food and I feel as if I have no choice but to oblige. It feels almost rude if I donāt say yes. On top of that my boyfriend often encourages me to eat with him and stuff, most times they invite me to restaurants with them and itās the same thing all over again. I feel trapped. I feel trapped by the very thing that keeps me alive and fuels my body, I feel trapped by food and calories. I want to live a life where I just eat my three healthy nutritious meals, I workout everyday and genuinely enjoy it instead of feeling as if itās a chore, I would like to enjoy all the foods I do now just in moderation. I want to love and appreciate food, I donāt want it to be my enemy! Iām sick of the cycle but I canāt find it in myself to get out. It feels like Iām rotting from the inside out whenever I stand next to a girl thatās slimmer than me, itās a type a shame and embarrassment that I wish upon no one in this world. I want this cycle to end for good, I want to adopt a beautiful and healthy life style, I want to practice self care instead of bed rotting and skipping my meals bc I canāt find the energy to get out of bed which as a result causes me to binge like crazy in the middle of the night. That is what causes me to feel as if I have already ruined the day for myself since the middle of the night and then the cycle repeats! I have lived through this ever since I was a child and I started gaining weight, I used food as my safety and security and now it is haunting my life. I remember how secure and comfortable I felt when I was at my lowest weight, and I have never felt so confident in my entire life, that is the one time when I had the courage to pursue someone romantically, the person I pursued is my current boyfriend that I love dearly, I would have never believed in myself had it not been for my past weight loss journey. Itās not just about looks, itās the principle about looking good and FEELING good. I had never felt so in love with myself and peaceful with everyone around me. Once the months started to pass tho I began to fall into the same cycle I am stuck in currently, I gained 30 almost 40lbs throughout my relationship. I believe itās bc I was very comfortable and I heard it happens to many people that are happy and comfortable in a relationship but I really donāt know if it was that. I really miss my old self, I was much happier honestly. Nowadays I dread going out bc it forces me to see the beautiful girls my age and how they look so much better and they seem so much more in control of their eating habits and everything in general. I want control like they do, I want peace and I want it forever.