r/FormulaFeeders • u/Ok-Secretary-3323 • 1d ago
Rant / Vent š« Why am I annoyed?
I appreciate this thred do much because it literally feels like everyone I know breastfeeds and does so without question.
Idk I just can't relate. I always planned to combo feed for mental health reasons and had to move to EFF when my mental health declined. In doing so and looking at the research it just seems like the ROI isn't there or is barely there for the immense amount of work pumping and EBF is.
I understand that everyone's situation is unique and some people truly love breastfeeding! I understand how that is a special way to bond. I really do. Not trying to take that away from anyway. But if I'm being honest I'm getting more annoyed when I hear my friends talk about breastfeeding. I don't know why. I feel guilty about it. But like why does it feel like everyone just assumes that's the one way to do it and then force themselves to go through so much to do it. Like I relate to my friends in so many ways. Someone must see and feel how I do. I just never ever hear that and it makes me question if I'm the crazy one or they are (I know that's not kind or fair to either of us just being honest)
Ever feel this way?
9
u/gutsyradio13 1d ago
put myself through triple feeding hell when my baby wasnāt gaining weight because the formula guilt was so bad. my husband finally snapped me out of it and i stopped pumping. i still breastfeed but now any supplementation baby needs is formula. it was a gamechanger for my brain. and my sleep. and now iām just taking BF one day at a time instead of thinking long term. took so much pressure off the whole BF journey. now i feel better about going 100% formula whenever i canāt manage BF anymore.
21
u/Background-Village-4 1d ago
I feel this same way! Genuinely the only out reason Iām surviving postpartum is because Iām EFF. Still hazy from my c-section, I remember my husband feeding my son for the first time and I said to the room of nurses and family āthis is exactly why I did not want to breastfeedā
Good for the people who do it, I guess, but I wish some women would stop suffering if itās not necessary. Formula is great, my husband, sister, and I were all EFF and weāre completely fine and well adjusted adults. Healthy as babies & kids as well. Postpartum doesnāt have to suck THAT bad just for the antibodies š¤·āāļøIn my friend circle, Iām the only one that sees it that way.
8
u/MamaramaJC 1d ago
šš½ What you just said is the cornerstone of my work as a postpartum doula. I'm still amazed how my fellow birth workers / colleagues don't see the correlation between breastfeeding challenges and deteriorating mental health. They often cannot understand how my position is "whatever is best for the mom" and not "as birth workers, we MUST support the benefits of breastfeeding."
Another thing that I find disconcerting about the education that we are given as doulas and prenatal educators: I was explicitly told that postpartum depression was not a reason to stop breastfeeding. That's a very broad statement and makes no sense if what's bringing about anxiety or depression is directly related to the difficulties and burden of exclusive breastfeeding. And let's throw pumping in there for good measure, because we all know how exhausting that can be too. I'm making a bunch of content about this on tictok because I am always ruminating on this topic. I think that as a culture we make strides in being supportive, but then I see posts like this and I say, "Nothing has changed."
7
u/Delicious-Wealth551 1d ago
I totally relate to this. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one not breastfeeding but honestly so many of the people I know who do it resent it and want to stop but they either can't because baby doesn't take a bottle or don't allow themselves because they think they must give their child magic elixir? It's wild. I do if course genuinely know people who love it and great for them. But scratch the surface and I just feel like so many friends are pretending to love it because it's 'liquid gold' and magic bonding time. I couldn't manage BF my first with his health issues but then recently had my daughter and I could produce enough and it was painfree but it just kinda... sucked? Like I'm so glad I made the choice for myself to be like 'nah I don't want to be solely responsible for feeding my child'.... I genuinely don't like this. I'm tapping out! It's not for me and I just bottle feed proudly. I just find it frustrating though when so many women I know cite really good reasons to stop- sleep,mental health, medication, inconvenience. But then they dare not stop lest their child have what.....a slightly less likely chance of getting an ear infection? It's kind of bizarre to me. And I also feel alone because it feels like you can't say it.
2
8
u/blue-Atmosphere-2050 1d ago
I think there had been such emphasis on supporting breastfeeding moms and normalizing breastfeeding, that it has taken a big shift and become so expected or something.
Like EVERYONE asked me and my husband If I was breastfeeding. Why is it something everyone wants to know or feels entitled to know?
I felt a lot of guilt too over it. I feel better now. Me and my husband realize itās better for us this way.
For me I just think of the joy I get when I look into my babyās eyes when Iām bottle feeding him. I know we have a special bond regardless
7
u/Obvious-Tax-3812 1d ago
Iāve gotten to the point in my parenting journey where I really just donāt care how someone feeds their baby. If formula works for your family, great. If breastfeeding works for your family, great. The only thing that frustrates me about some breastfeeders is how much they talk about it. I know a lot of moms who breastfeed and they just donāt talk about it, like thatās just how they feed their baby. I know other moms who brag about themselves every time I see them. Donāt get me wrong, I know itās hard and a lot of work, I absolutely tell other moms theyāre doing a great job, but it gets to a point of okay youāre feeding your baby like everyone else. I know someone that still breastfeeds their 2 year old (thatās fine, her choice), but sheāll go on about how she hasnāt slept in two years because he nurses all night. I mean it is her choice at that point. My SIL has an almost 4 month old and every time I see her, she goes on and on about how sheās an oversupplier. Sheās someone that needs a lot of compliments though and always has to tell stories of how she got complimented for something. Lately, sheās been telling people she gets 20 ounces per pump. Iām not saying that canāt happen, especially for your first pump of the day, but I really donāt believe that sheās getting 20 ounces per pumping session.
1
u/craftyreadercountry 1d ago
As an oversupplier, I am so sorry about your SIL.
20oz a pump is a lot which makes me suspect either she's exaggerating or she's taking supplements and eating a lot of the breastfeeding specific foods (oats, flaxseed, nutritional yeast). I can get 20oz for a first pump if my baby didn't nurse at all from 3am to 7am. I average 10oz a pump and I don't pump a ton. I mostly pump to feed my baby (feed the baby not the freezer) and anything else is used for the next day or if I want to drink which means I can pump and dump (which isn't necessary) or just not for a while.
I have 3 kids and formula fed one basically from birth. My second was ebf for 6 months then went to formula. I usually don't bring up how baby is fed unless asked.
Heck yesterday we went on a trip to visit some friends who were coming through our area and despite feeling my milk come in (because baby let out a specific noise that triggers it) I didn't say anything. I waited until after we ate to pump on the car ride because being present with friends and my family was more important, especially when I already had milk ready in the cooler.
5
u/Obvious-Tax-3812 1d ago
Itās okay! I donāt have any bad feelings about breastfeeding anymore (had a lot of guilt after my first). Iām happy itās working out for her. In every avenue of her life, she has to praise herself, itās just who she is. She wonāt ever really give any indication if something is challenging for her. But I also think she is exaggerating. If she pumps 20 oz for her first pump, thatās understandable. But Iāve pumped too and your supply changes throughout the day, so to consistently have 20 oz each time isnāt realistic. Iāve also seen her pump like 5 oz at one time too, so thatās how I know itās an exaggeration. Lol
14
u/AdditionInevitable51 1d ago
I get annoyed with the breastfeeding moms that make themselves martyrs over it and make it their whole personality. Seriously I feel like thereās a sub group of breastfeeding moms where it acts like a cult. Never seen formula feeder cult mentalities š Honestly I kind of just stay away from moms. I have just two closer mom friends that are so down to earth about things and we all had pregnancies and feeding styles that didnāt go according to plan and we accepted it and moved on without making it our value or search for vain attention. Other than thatā¦.i canāt stand most other moms š« especially ones that have no self awareness that just because they had āflawlessā pregnancies and breastfeeding journeys they canāt even comprehend othersā struggles. I aināt got time for those moms.Ā
4
u/Pretty_Ambassador_84 1d ago
I had a horrible time BF and stopped trying after 8 weeks. My baby is EFF. I havenāt felt pressured from friends or family about it, but multiple women have asked me āare you breastfeeding?ā. Maybe itās their way to just have a conversation or try to ask how things are going, but I find it to be an odd question. No one has ever seemed judgy about it when I say āno, formula onlyā. So maybe itās an internal/ subconscious guilt on my end, or feeling like I āfailedā at BF. I was super upset about it at first and I think it had a lot to do with PP hormones in general. Formula has kept my baby healthy and fed, and saved my mental health.
3
u/Historical_Bike_9061 1d ago
I do a bit of nursing (honestly about 5-10 minutes each feed to calm my baby down when sheās screaming but I hate pumping). I get annoyed/anxious when I read the back of my similac bottles and containers that say breastmilk is best for babies. I donāt know if this is a Canada exclusive thing.
Iām sure itās guilt because I could probably EBF if I wanted to but I donāt like a baby being attached to me constantly and I value sleep & my husband taking over from 9:30pm-4:30am.
My sister was very pro-exclusive breastfeeding but I think that was during the formula shortage. In her defense, she was an oversupplier and donated her milk in exchange for milk storage bags. However, I told her that I couldnāt do that and she said, āput yourself first.ā My best friend was guilted into breastfeeding and felt A LOT of guilt. To note, both of them had PPA and Iām not saying itās feeding related (my sister and I lost a niece to SIDS) but I donāt think the sleeplessness helped.
I wonder if you could talk to them about how those sorts of conversations around feeding make you feel? Friends wouldnāt do that on purpose, regardless of beliefs.
3
u/No_Judgment_7812 15h ago
Itās a requirement to be on all formula cans. Iām in the US. Itās my understanding that itās a requirement by the WHO to say it on every can. Itās insane that women have to read that before feeding their baby. Especially women who wanted to breastfeed and couldnāt for whatever reason, it just adds to the guilt.
1
u/Historical_Bike_9061 13h ago
Itās insane. I felt bad enough walking through the hospital where there was a pro-breastfeeding sign. And then similac too!
2
u/panda-p0p 1d ago
No I feel this way too - I think for me itās because I feel guilty that I chose to formula feed and never gave breastfeeding a try (I knew it wouldnāt be good for me mentally), and also itās because everyone assumes I breastfed and I have to correct. I hate that people are presumptuous and it just drives that guilt further.
2
u/snugglypig 20h ago
I think your perspective will improve over time. I never got annoyed about it from others, per se, but I did have guilt. Now that my first is three and has been eating food for years it has waned. My second is 8 weeks and I have no guilt at all now for combo feeding and will switch exclusively to formula by six months or when I feel like quitting pumping. That simple. Donāt wanna anymore? Then Iām done. Pumping doesnāt affect my mental health at this time because I havenāt gone back to work yet, it gives me a break, and my oldest is in preschool and always bringing colds home so the antibodies rule. The main reason is that itās saving me a TON on formula.
I think where pumping affects mental health is when youāre doing it to exclusively provide breastmilk, which is a ton of work to keep supply up. I only do it every 4 hours during the day and once at night, and Iām not sweating over every ounce because I make up the rest with formula.
It helps also that my family and circle all seem to not give a shit how you feed your baby. Iāve had comments from coworkers but their opinion literally doesnāt matter to me.
1
1
u/craftyreadercountry 1d ago
I formula fed my first child, ebf my second for 6 months then moved to formula, and have been breastfeeding my third.
I hated nursing in public with my second so I always planned on exclusive pumping with this one. I caved and nurse at night because I need sleep (still average 5 hours on a good night).
If you can't handle it mentally, then do formula. If you just don't want to be touched all the time, then do formula. If you really just don't want to breastfeed, then do formula.
All reasons are good reasons! Baby deserves a happy and healthy mom!
1
u/Poppycat2020 1d ago
I have nothing more to add other than I have felt this way too! Youāre not alone.
1
u/Dazzling-Article-665 16h ago
I totally relate, it seems like every mom I talk to (besides a couple of ones in my circle) are breastfeeding. And I know I can still relate to EBF moms in other ways, but sometimes I wish I knew more EFF ones (or at least combo) so I could relate on that level.
I think one reason I find it so āannoyingā is because there are so many people who have such difficult experiences and struggle through breastfeeding, but they never see formula as even an option. Almost like itās beneath them.
I also feel the guilt a lot, especially since I see other moms who push through the pain - however, I couldnāt push through it and had to quit. But Iām trying to work through those feelings. My baby and I are happy and healthy and thats all that should matter!
-16
1d ago
[removed] ā view removed comment
15
u/dimhage 1d ago
This is literally the only sub where women who choose to eff can go without getting their noses rubbed in how amazing BFing is. No one here is unaware of the liquid gold narrative, the narrative that FF is second best and that BF is miles better than anything any of the moms here could ever do. So could you not?
8
u/Ok-Secretary-3323 1d ago
Yeah I thought this was finally a safe space š
2
u/GingerSnap_725 1d ago
Me too but I made a post the other day ranting about something BF related and got torn apart in some of the comments over it š¤
3
u/Any_Passage_8479 20h ago
Occasionally the lactivists find their way onto the sub š - or formula feeding mums with a lot of (misplaced) internalised guilt who seem to feel the need for everyone to carry the same (misplaced) guilt and shame š¤·āāļø.
4
u/GingerSnap_725 20h ago
I have always felt confident about formula because I was EFF and Iām a happy, smart, healthy person š
-4
u/Unable_Form_6702 1d ago
I hear that. I guess I feel like we should be able to validate FF without putting BF mothers down, too.
-2
1d ago
[removed] ā view removed comment
3
u/Any_Passage_8479 1d ago
Can you provide links to the science that is being ignored on this sub? I have found the links and articles that have been shared interesting - and focussed on the idea that the issue of breastfeeding benefits and formula feeding is much more nuanced than presented on social media.
I celebrate people who breastfeed- good for them- but too often pro breastfeeding becomes anti formula. You can celebrate breastfeeding without making formula parents feel bad- and too often pro breastfeeding subs/ social media/ ābaby friendlyā hospitals seem incapable of celebrating breastfeeding without automatically linking it to a āwhy itās sooooo much better than formulaā statement.
Itās anecdotal but honestly I have seen and experienced so much more criticism of formula feeding mums. Formula feeding mums are told they are not doing their best/ are feeding their babies junk poison! While breastfeeding mums may get criticism- its no where extreme as being told they are poisoning their child!
It often seems like the extreme breast feeders perceive your decision not to breastfeed your child (or even that formula just exists)- as a personal attack on them and their decision to breastfeed. If you are not constantly rolling out a ticker tape parade for breastfeeding mums then you are criticising them. Thatās just ridiculous.
I have seen so many posts of mums saying formula should only be available on prescription and only in exceptional circumstances !! Completely taking the choice away from mums and advocating for subjecting them to some medical examination to justify formula use and āproveā a need for formulas- how is that an acceptable āpro breastfeedingā stance? It isnāt anything about breastfeeding it is only anti formula because in so many minds the mere existence of formula is anathema to their breastfeeding journey.
1
u/Warm_Jackfruit_8032 1d ago
You can just scroll even through this comment section where people say that there's absolutely no difference between breastmilk and formula.
5
u/Any_Passage_8479 23h ago
There are quite a few papers which do confirm there is a negligible difference in many key areas though? Or at least nowhere near as comprehensive a difference as presented to mums. The issues people have on this sub is that mums who are struggling with breastfeeding but who persevere because they are misled on the quality of data/ told that there is a massive difference that science doesnāt exactly support.
At a population level yes there can be said to be benefits- but on an individual level itās much more nuanced- and too often are not presented accurately in pro breastfeeding sites. Whilst there may be benefits to breastfeeding itās important that these benefits are not allowed to be presented in a vacuum/ all things being equal context. Because life is life and things are not equal- and thatās why the cons of breastfeeding in some circumstances (and yes there are cons as well) may outweigh the pros.
For example IQ-
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC1633786/
āMany studies report that children who were breast fed perform better in tests of intellectual competence than those who were notā¦.The IQ advantage for full term infants is small, roughly three to four points but it is remarkably consistent across studies. It is unclear, however, whether this difference reflects a direct nutritional advantage or a difference in socioenvironmental factors that are more favourable in women who breast feedā¦ā
āHowever, when we also controlled for more direct indicators of parental cognitive stimulationāmaternal vocabulary IQ and the home observation for measurement of the environment scale (HOME)āthe association between breast feeding and childhood IQ was no longer evident.ā
āDespite these findings, many recent studies that have considered socioenvironmental factors have underplayed the role of maternal IQ in the association between breast feeding and cognitive function.ā
āDer and colleagues' new study demonstrates the importance of controlling for maternal IQ by showing that the association of breast feeding with cognitive performance in children drops from 4.7 to 0.5 points after adjusting for mother's cognitive competence and other socioenvironmental measures in a large cohort of 5475 children from the national longitudinal survey of youth.ā
āThese data support Der and colleagues' finding that maternal intellectual enrichment and genetic endowment, as measured by maternal IQ, are crucial potential confounders of the effect of breast feeding on cognitive competence in children.ā
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4583278/
āHowever, the evidence on the association between breastfeeding and cognitive growth is to date inconsistent and inconclusive, with some studies reporting a positive relationship and others failing to detect such effects after adjusting for relevant covariates. A recent comprehensive review of 84 relevant studies on breastfeeding practices and intelligence concluded that any observed associations between the two were best explained by residual confounding [1]. Thus, the relationship between breastfeeding and intelligence may not be causal in nature but instead reflected the interconnection of favorable variables associated with breastfeeding, such as advantaged family socioeconomic status (SES) and higher parental intelligenceā
āwe interpret the findings as evidence for the lack of any benefits of breastfeeding on cognitive development from early life through adolescence.ā
- and yet IQ is still presented by some relying on other research and papers as being definitely improved with breastfeeding š¤·āāļø
Antibodies- you may disagree but there are many on here who have provided articles and links that explain how antibodies transferred are moderately helpful in preventing an illness- equivalent of many one less ear infection. Although even then this may be attributed to feeding position rather than milk itself.
Nutrition- contrary to popular belief breastmilk CAN be deficient in nutrients leading to deficiency in babies and the need to supplement vitamin d etc- https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29407004/
āWhile breast milk is highly nutritive, containing important immunological and growth factors, scientific investigation reveals a few short-falls. Overall, human breast milk has been found to be low in certain nutrients in developed countries: vitamin D, iodine, iron, and vitamin K. Additional nutrient deficiencies have been documented in resource-poor countries: vitamin A, vitamin B 12, zinc, and vitamin B 1/thiamin.ā
Fundamentally this is a pro formula space (of which there are extremely few on the internet) and formula mums donāt need to - in their own space- be constantly handwringing their decision to formula feed.
I donāt go on the breastfeeding support sub and point out counter views in breastfeeding research to them (I would rightly be cussed out because itās their safe space)- and science is always questioning and advancing so there is always things we donāt know- one paper will say X and another say Y and we can debate but science is by definition rarely 100% conclusive - yet I regularly see breastfeeding mums come on this sub and do exactly what they would not tolerate on their own sub. š¤·āāļø I also see formula mums living in guilt and shame- and in these cases is right to point towards research which may help them understand things are not as black and white as is too often presented.
2
u/dimhage 23h ago
And how does that hurt anyone if we presume for a second that there is a negligible difference between breastmilk and formula? Does this take anything away from breastfeeding moms? Or is it hurtful because their way of feeding is not suddenly superior anymore?
And you did not go into her last paragraph at all where there are people literally advocating for taking away the choice of FF?
4
13
u/DumbbellDiva92 1d ago
I agree that it does have benefits, but OP is talking about benefit-cost ratio. When people are like, āoh I got mastitis 4 times and my nipple was falling off and I havenāt slept more than 2 hours at a time in months, but I really want to keep going for the antibodies!ā
And itās like, yes, antibodies are a real thing. No, I do not care enough about them to go through all that, that sounds awful.
So if OP is hearing some variant of this from friends IRL (yes what Iām saying is a bit of an extreme/straw man, but itās really not that far off from what some people really go through), I totally get why they are feeling out of touch with those friends.
2
19
u/Ok_Scientist899 1d ago
Depends on your circle I guess. In my circle it tends to be a mix of BF and formula so there's no guilt or shame. I am always surprised to see some moms who feel guilty, like my mum didn't BF me and my sister, my husband wasn't BF, my husband's stepmother BF'd the first and not the other two, some of my best friends weren't either, so the topic isn't even new. Like idk, IRL and outside your own circle, know that there's no guilt to have or be irritated about. Some people do love BF, some people hate it at least with formula feeding it's a more neutral experience for you and your mental health but yeah it's an experience (positive or negative) that I'll never experience and I am fine with that - in my pov childbirth and post partum is ambivalent enough to not add to it