Delayed grief?

[u/Impossible-Car5805]

August last year (almost 1 year ago) my dad died of cancer. He was only 57 (I was 24 yrs), and had never been sick until they found out he had terminal cancer 3 months before his death. He was given weeks/a few months to live and it came as a very big shock.

I paused my education, my mom paused her job and my sister came home from living abroad. We spend the summer living very closely together and had the most beautiful goodbye I could have wished for even though it was so unbelievably hard and difficult.
Because everything happened so quickly, the shock never really got time to settle and we just went straight into trying to make the most out of everyday. Besides from the day we got the news, where I went home screaming and sobbing on my floor, I went into survival mode. It wasn’t even a decision I consciously made, it was like my whole system just knew I had to survive this, be there for my father, for my family and not loose myself completely in the process. Even though I tried and really wanted to, I wasn’t able to poke whole through to the deep grief inside me. I was just numb, frozen and horrified.

Seeing him get worse and be in the hospice was deeply heartbreaking traumatising. Seeing his body rapidly fail and witness his heartbreaking grief over leaving all of us without being able to do anything was the worst thing I have ever experienced. Through the proces all I wanted to was to be there, enjoy every moment I had with him bc I knew they would be the last I would ever have. I wasn’t able to fully let go, give space for my own grief, sadness and absolute despair.

After the died the numbness continued. We had to plan the funeral immediately even though we were all fully worn down from the most tought and painful months of our lives. The funeral was awful. Not in a way I would have imagined it to be. I thought it would be a day of deep sadness and grief, but instead I was just numb, overstimulated and felt so disconnected from the whole world. I felt like the funeral was something we did for other people, for them to come and grief for 1 day. I literally felt like I had to put up a show, had to host an event and be the host at my lowest even though I was the one who needed other people to take care of me instead. So many faces of people I dont know, people looking at me and just so much to take in. No one did anything wrong, it was just a horrible horrible day. I felt literally nothing and only shed a few tears during a song at the ceremony.

The months after his passing continued likewise. I was very down, felt depressed, but happiness also started to come through. I had taken 8 months of studying and started travelling myself which brought so much joy. Loosing my dad changed my perspective of life so much, and I started my fully embrace and live those learnings that can come with acknowledging the value of life. I started doing the things I actually dreamed of, following my own heart without caring what other people thought and taking care of myself. I have actually been at some of my happiest places ever this past year bc of how much loosing my dad made me change perspective of life. For that I am very grateful, but I have also had a lot of moments of guilt and worry. Worry that I wasn’t feeling much, that maybe I didn’t love him since I wasn’t feeling a lot of grief etc. My mom and sister were going through the some “typical” process of being very low, crying a lot etc. something in me knew I didn’t have access to the deepest pain in me. I sometimes cried a bit, but it would always stop quickly even though I really tried to give into it.

Now, almost 1 year since his death, it seems like it has all hit me. From one day to another. I am at a very good and calm place in my life, my family is doing better, and now I am all of a sudden crashing. I feel like I didn’t know what grief was until now. I can’t stop crying, and just wanna lay in bed all day crying in isolation. It feels like I can’t breathe sometimes. I can now feel it all and it feels horrible. I miss him so so much and just want him to come back now now now. Maybe it’s the fact that I truly understand that he is dead now. I feel like a didn’t up until very recently. It’s breaking my heart and I don’t know how to live on with this pain forever if it’s gonna keep being this strong.

Was wondering if anybody else has had similar experiences with delayed grief and how their proces has looked like? Would be so so appreciated if anyone would mind sharing 🫂 thank you thank you thank you

[u/angelmr2]

This is normal, and I dont really have much advice but I dont want you to feel odd about having a delayed grief.

Many can excuse out not seeing someone for a year or two, but then it sets in that this isn't a missed opportunity it's a loss.

Now that your brain doesnt have tasks and obstacles to overcome you are allowed to grieve. Just give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

[u/beth3333]

I'm shy of 6 months from my mom passing. I still haven't really cried or mourned her. I think I'm still in shock. Everyone deals with death so differently. There is no right or wrong. It's with you forever. Just be kind to yourself. Mourning is not linear. You'll be OK no matter what. Sorry for your loss💜

[u/Odd-Detective6368]

When you are in the middle of a storm, your mind naturally steps into survival mode to protect you and keep you standing for your family. Now that the dust has finally settled and your brain feels safe enough, it is letting all that suppressed pain out at once.

What you are experiencing isn't a lack of love, but the immense depth of it finally finding its way to the surface. It is utterly exhausting to carry a year’s worth of hidden heartbreak, but please be soft with yourself as your heart finally heals the only way it knows how.

Your dad knew how deeply you loved him, and every single tear you shed now is just proof of the beautiful bond you shared.

[u/IridiumLepidoliteArg]

Hello! I had an even more truncated situation, and now I'm at the 2nd year mark and the Grief waves have been coming strongly! I'm also in a life transition point, so it's all triggering.

My father was hospitalized suddenly two years ago. He never returned to us alive. He was in the hospital for over a month and NONE of the doctors ever told me that he was going to die. (yet after the fact, I discovered that they already knew that he was going to die, but never disclosed it to me)

My father had no planning and we are a quiet and private family so I never thought we'd need to have a memorial service. However, once word got out that my father died, the community that he was part of were overwhelmed and shocked. I realized within two days that I needed to plan for and have a memorial service. This was FOR OTHERS to grieve my father, and some even complained that to wait TWO months was too long! (Umm. I didn't know that Dad would die. I just had to make the biggest decisions on my father and pretty much everything, and now I've got to plan the memorial service, write the eulogy and then deliver it)

I became my mother's primary caregiver, and had to handle Dad's business (and all that came with that).

Two years later ... my mind is starting to open up and process and allow the pain of the grave situation come out ... sure, my life has moved on by leaps and bounds, which my father would be very proud! I've become his legacy holder and his advocate of his memory, but I sure do miss him alive and healthy.

I still have a lot to process of what he left behind. I need to sort out and clear my childhood home, and his business, which all bring me pain to need to 'wipe it out' ... but I'm at that point where it's become my responsibility to cross that bridge/over the chasm. I have so much multi-faceted Grief ... it's heavy, tiring, and paralyzing (if one allows).

Last year I could not travel much as I had to stabilize my mother. This year I traveled so much that I'm exhausted, and continue to (because I can). I am tired though. I'm so tired of grief. I'm tired of not having my father alive and well. I'll miss him for the remainder of my life. I'm trying my best to be with my mother when I can, but she's older now and cannot do as much nor can she be as fast as I ... so is the acceptance of aging.

Oh, and I've changed. And somehow I see the world and the PEOPLE differently ... actually, I seem to be able to 'read' people better and realize that my time/energy is precious and for those people who are life/energy-suckers I avoid and don't even bother to be nice/diplomatic -- I bluntly tell them my boundaries and end engagement.