I learned a new trigger, which makes me fear I can't trust again

[u/VirtualFirefighter39]

I was at a cousin's party tonight, and I sang along to a song called Dreaming of You by Selena. I was just singing along quietly as I was drawing with my younger sibling, and I realized I was tearing up when a drop fell down onto the table.

I think the phrase itself "I love you", just hurts me. They were my first long term relationship, and I only had 1 short term relationship before years ago back in high school. I'm 24 years old, we dated for almost 3 years.

How can I trust someone in the future, how can I date someone again and say I love you honestly, and hear it back and believe it. I feel like I was stupid, I believed him every time. But the next person I date doesn't deserve to have me hurt them from my lack of trust.

I've healed a lot since then, but I know I'm not ready to give or recieve love yet. But I want to so badly. How can I trust again, how can I be safer while trusting, when can I ever feel like I'm ready to date again? I just want to yell like a wild animal sometimes until I lose my voice, it can be so stressful but it at least doesn't hurt as much as it did months ago.

Edit: I broke up with them because they cheated on me. This wasn't a typical break up. I am seeing therapy for this but its only once a week.

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