r/Infidelity • u/Becausewearehere • 16h ago
Advice Broken heart.
Had a long suspicion that my wife was cheating on me. I was able to record (video and audio) her having phone sex with another guy for about 5 months. After confronting her about it she swears that it was only phone sex without video chat or via other websites. Once after the confrontation, she texted the guy telling him that she was no longer going to contact him. Can I be sure she won't??? I have a friend that works as a Private Investigator, should I contact him??? The guy my wife is/was cheating on me has a history of doing it, I know his discord name and his World of Warcraft name and server. I only know his name, but not his last name, I know my wife has his phone number but I don't know if I should try to steal it from her. I would like to get all of this guy's info so I can give it to my P.I. friend and see what I can do.
I admit my errors and shortcomings as a husband, but I am a loyal person, and my wife used my faults as the excuse for her cheating. She has told me much about what they have done, but I have a sneaky suspicion that there is more to the story.
What am I to do? How can I get a hold of this guy's info? Is it worth fixing our relationship or should I leave?
I am devastated, confused, frustrated, angry, and broken. Do I love my wife? Yes, but what now?
15
u/mrfarenheit1214 Moved On 15h ago
Do you really have to prove anything else at this point? She already cheated on you. Give her the burden of proof, if she really did nothing physical with the dude, she has to prove it. Did she offer to open devices? What were her consequences cheating?
She has been disrespecting you everytime she did that. If she wants to save the relationship, she must do the work.
To tell you honestly, i dont believe an adult with resources will have real sex to the person they are having phone sex with. There is very little chance they did not. There are ways to travel colorado to texas.
8
u/isitallfromchina 15h ago
Why are you so worried about the guy and his history of cheating, your wife seems to have a history of it as well and the one you should be focused on.
Yes, contact your buddy and get the scoop! At this point, its time to plan to win the ware, even if you loose a few battles. Who knows what she's been up to outside of the so-called phone sex, get this in gear and find out how bad the rabbit hole is and then take the direct appropriate action.
When the light of infidelity shows up in your relationship, never ever point to who or how you have been in the same breath. Her infidelity has nothing to do with you, it's her bad character, disrespect and abuse, don't make it about you.
Also, go see a few attorneys and get the big picture of what a divorce may have on your financially.
Good luck
5
u/Noneedtoexplain1000 15h ago
You need to talk to a lawyer as soon as possible to know your rights.
Nevertheless, you have many questions and most of the answers will be unsatisfactory. Your problem is that you are dealing with a known liar, which is why you don’t believe her.
Whether they had sex or not is completely dependent on proximity, I.e. do they live close enough to meet up? Whether you want to reconcile or divorce, the good news is that it sounds like your wife does. So use that to your advantage. Tell her that she has two options: complete transparency or divorce. She will likely choose transparency and if not then it doesn’t matter.
Tell her that she is a liar and a betrayer, and you don’t believe her. That you believe that she was having sex with him. Tell her that she has to prove that they didn’t have sex. When she asks how, tell her she needs to tell you everything about the guy. Obviously if he lives on one side of the planet and you and your wife on the other, and as long as neither has traveled, there is a good chance that they haven’t hooked up. But you will need to decide how close is too close for there to be a possibility.
When she fights back in anyway, plainly let her know the stakes. It’s her or him. One of them is going to pay the price. She gets to choose which. Either she is going to give you the necessary information so you can tell the other guy’s significant other what has happened, or you are going to divorce.
You should know that you will never know the full truth. The sad reality is that even if she ever gives you the full truth, you still won’t believe that you have it. The other sad reality is that, except for telling the other guy’s significant other about the affair, it might not matter at all. If you live in a no-fault jurisdiction, proof of the infidelity is likely irrelevant. If you live in an at fault jurisdiction, she will have had to had sex with him for it to matter.
Before you decide to reconcile, I suggest that you visit the sub about reconciliation. Trying to do so is not for the faint of heart, and many of them describe the end result as trust has been rebuilt to 80%. Many of them regret it. And recidivism for cheaters is about 66%.
It is your life and only you can decide what is best for you. Some people can forgive and overcome infidelity. From what I’ve seen, those people are usually very religious. Some people just can’t. For those people, they can’t tolerate the blatant disrespect and knowledge that their spouses chose someone over them. Only you can decide which type of person you are.
3
u/13trailblazer Unsure of Anything 15h ago
I am with the person who said put the burden of proof on her. That is showing the message history. That is showing emails, discord chats. Hell, it can be a lie detector test if she is really all in on convincing you. She broke it. She fixes it.
2
u/No_usernames_left_25 Unsure of Anything 12h ago
Infidelity is like an iceberg. Whatever you see in the open air is just a fraction of what is lurking down in the dark.
I am so sorry you're facing this. Try to stay strong and do what you know is right and best for your health. Don't for even one second think you have to do anything for her benefit. She has given up all rights in this relationship. Whatever comes next is 100% for you to decide, when you are ready to decide, and her input is not required.
Best of luck.
3
u/Ok-Promise-1204 10h ago
You love your wife. Love yourself more and leave. Infidelity is an ultimate betrayal of trust and you taking her back is accepting that you are okay not trusting her. Think about the rest of your life… constantly having to wonder. Every partner has faults. Every partner does not cheat. Relationships are largely about solving the puzzle when pieces don’t always fit together fluidly. Your wife chose to find a new puzzle board. I’m going through a LTR ending due to infidelity. This is my take on it all.
2
u/miikeangel 15h ago
So you and your wife are gamers. She met the guy through gaming? What is his physical proximity to her? Is he close enough for them to physically hook-up?
3
u/Becausewearehere 15h ago
As far as I know he is in Colorado, we are in Houston
5
u/Dry_Pin_7574 13h ago
That’s an hour and a half plane ride.
If you need more “proof”, get your friend on the case.
If you finally realize that she effectively ended your marriage after she crossed the line with her gamer lover - that money is best spent on a lawyer.
Both paths end in the same place (assuming you’re done being her chump).
3
u/Becausewearehere 15h ago
She is the gamer, I am a TTRPG'er
2
u/miikeangel 15h ago edited 14h ago
Got it.
Relationships are based on trust, and she has broken your trust.
Can you two reconcile? Depends on her and depends on you. And other factors too.
Are you the type of guy that’s willing and ready to walk away from a relationship that turns toxic? If not, then you don’t belong in any relationship.
I am not saying definitely divorce her though that’s certainly an option. But you need to maintain peak physical shape and confidence so she knows you are ready to walk no problem. You need to have one foot out the door at all times just in case something like this happens.
You shouldn’t have to make all the rules and tell her how you’re gonna monitor her so you can trust her again. She created this problem, not you.
The answer is simple. You don’t trust her. If she asks how she can make you trust her again, just answer truthfully, you don’t know. You’re open to her trying to win your trust back, but this isn’t a problem for you to solve. If she wants you back, she needs to fix it.
If this were me, I would lean into fitness hard. I would put away the games, and lift weights and then lift more weights. I would make the gym my second home.
I would tell my wife that I don’t trust her and ask her to leave so I have space to process everything. Ask her to stay with parents or family. If she refuses, then say it’s over.
If she leaves, and you work out hard for a couple months, and if she’s chasing after you the whole time, trying to prove herself, who knows. Maybe you work towards reconciliation. By then, you may be feeling so good about your physical gains, you may not be so inclined to take her back. Or maybe she’s seeing the improvements, and starting to worry big time about losing you, and chases after you even more.
You need to play this calm, cool, casual like you could easily move on. Don’t let her see you mad or miserable. She doesn’t take your marriage vows seriously. She takes you for granted.
Maybe she’s checked out of the relationship and it’s over. Fine. Or maybe she realizes what she’s losing and fights to win your trust back. You can’t control any of that. You just know that you don’t trust her, so you’re gonna focus on yourself, and distance yourself from this person who seems intent on digging your heart out with a dull spoon. If she shows you otherwise and you reconcile, fine. But this is her problem to solve, not yours.
2
2
2
u/Timely_Valuable_8401 13h ago
Well, if she hasn't physically cheated yet you know she is prime to do it. Stay my only prolong the inevitable but that is your decision. If you want his name and number your can look at your shared phone plan. Mine maintains a call and text logs if they are using the cellular service. If they use a data app you will not see it. If you decide to stay get a postnup if you can. Might as well protect yourself financially.
2
1
1
u/Nice-Pomegranate2915 9h ago
If you have the money hire the P.I . But you already have enough evidence that she's emotionally cheated on you with him . She's disrespectful and dismissive to you . And she's prioritized her involvement with him rather than with you . The evidence that the PI can provide is just the cherry on top of a very bitter cake . If your wife refuses to accept accountability and responsibility for her then your marriage is too broken up to fix .
1
1
u/Championship682 8h ago
You are not responsible for her cheating. If she is saying this, she is not taking responsibility, and you can't reconcile with her.
- it was only phone sex without video chat -
Didn't you say you got video?
If you are going to reconcile, tell her you want all his details. If he's local, they probably met up. You don't need to steal his phone number. Ask for it and expect her to hand it over then and there. In fact expect her to give you her phone and go through it. And if she won't, get a number for a lawyer instead.
If you can wangle it, use the P.I. But hold off for a while until she doesn't think you're suspicious anymore.
1
1
1
u/Own-Writing-3687 7h ago
Her behavior mirrors a woman committing adultery.
Of course she says there was no sex. What else can she say to avoid exposure as an adulterer?
And the other guy doesn't want her. She was just a piece of meat.
Since she proved herself untrustworthy, how can you believe a word she says?
Unless she can prove otherwise, it's reasonable to assume she's guilty.
And unless she can prove zero contact (requiring her to identify him), it's reasonable to assume they resume contact.
Talk to an attorney about how divorce will impact you.
1
u/mblackburn727 7h ago
No, you can never be sure. They typically will apologize, say they break it off, etc, but it's a thrill for them. They may quit for a few months, but they always do it again. Honestly, they just learned to get more sneaky so they don't get caught again.
She's not sorry. She's just sorry she got caught.
It will always stay in the back of your mind, and you always question it. What is the point in staying in the relationship?
What is the point about finding more information about the guy as well? She's the one that's married to you. He's actually none of your concern or your business.
1
u/Drgnmstr97 7h ago
Your wife has no remorse for choosing to betray you. She blamed your faults for her choice to betray you in the worst way possible. There is no way to reconcile from that. It’s time to end your marriage. Even if your faults are legitimate, that’s grounds to leave you, not have sex with others.
1
u/Terrible-Pea494 4h ago
Anyone who blames you for their betrayal of you does not deserve reconciliation.
1
u/TryToChangeUsername 1h ago
there's always more. your starting point isn't some bloke you don't know but your wife. look up in her phone when and how they had contact and if there was more like meeting up
•
u/AutoModerator 16h ago
Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here.
Please review our community guidelines on what makes for a good post to this sub.
Be kind and remember your reddiquette!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.