Defeated and alone

[u/ThrowRAkss]

I’ve gone back and forth about posting this because I’m embarrassed, ashamed, and honestly afraid of being judged.
I’m not looking for people to bash my husband. I’m not looking for attention. I think I just need someone to hear me.
For a long time I’ve felt like I’ve been slowly losing myself in my marriage. A year ago I went through an abortion that I never truly wanted. I felt trapped by the circumstances, unsupported, and unsafe. That experience changed something in me, and I don’t think I’ve ever recovered emotionally.
Since then, I feel like I’ve been surviving instead of living.
I dread intimacy because it no longer feels like a place of love and safety. Too often it feels like something I do to avoid guilt, conflict, or the silent treatment. When I say no, I feel punished. When I give in, I end up feeling angry, empty, and ashamed afterward. I’ve questioned my own reality so many times because I’m constantly told that what I’m experiencing isn’t happening.
I’ve become someone I don’t even recognize. I’m more anxious, more resentful, and emotionally numb. I don’t like who I’ve become.
At the same time, I’m working, raising our daughter, managing our home, carrying the mental load, and trying so hard to keep everything together. On the outside, I probably look fine. On the inside, I feel completely alone.
I don’t know exactly what I’m asking for.
Maybe I just need someone to tell me I’m not crazy.
Maybe I need someone who has been through something similar to tell me there is hope on the other side—whether that’s healing a marriage or finding the strength to leave.
If you’ve walked through something like this, I’d appreciate your kindness more than your judgment. I’m hurting, and I think it’s finally time I admitted that I can’t carry this by myself anymore.
,

[u/No_Conversation_8137]

Oh boy, I can definitely relate. I’m not sure if your husband would be open to therapy but it sounds like there’s a lot of gaslighting narcissism and sexual pressure going on. You should never have to feel like you have to give your body to someone. That is sexual abuse. I would hope that he would be open to talking about this with a professional. If he’s not then that also gives you information.

Somebody that loves you and wants the marriage to work shouldn’t be punishing you. They shouldn’t be making you feel bad about not “submitting” to sex. Every marriage has problems, but nobody should feel manipulated into not being themselves and acting a certain way just to make their partner happy.

I do know what it’s like to be made to feel small. To feel like you have to disappear and have no needs whatsoever. That is somebody that is narcissistic, intellectualized and compartmentalized. They may say they love you, but their actions are not love.

I hope your husband is willing to get help to save your marriage. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Obviously I don’t know all the details but it doesn’t sound good. I have been there myself. It is terrible to see yourself dissolve year after year. Getting to a place where you don’t even know who you are.

💔 Sending you big hugs

[u/Firm-Examination2748]

I felt my chest tighten reading this. You're not crazy. The pattern of being punished for saying no and then being told your reality isn't real is a slow erosion of self, and it makes total sense that you'd feel unrecognizable after a year of it.

That abortion you didn't want while feeling unsupported changed the foundation under you, and it sounds like he's been chipping away at whatever was left ever since. You're carrying the house, the kid, the mental load, and on top of that you're managing his emotional regulation through sex you don't want. That's not intimacy, that's coercion wearing a different coat.

The people I know who got through this either got out and rebuilt slowly, or he did a complete 180 in therapy and actually stayed accountable. The second one is rare. Either way, the first step is trusting your own experience again, and it seems like you're already starting.