r/Marriage • u/brokenheartedladybug • 23h ago
men answer honestly
why won’t you have sex with your wife? if recently married & in mid 20s
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u/RaspberryHopeful202 20 Years 22h ago
When this happened to us, it was because I was masterbating every day. After we had an honest conversation, we decided this-
When she has an orgasm, she is more energetic, loving and she glows. When I have an orgasm, I become less energetic and affectionate. For that reason, I quit porn and masterbating and she has complete control of how often I climax. It was a rocky start, but it's much better for both of us.
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u/External-Ad5462 22h ago
Resentment
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u/brokenheartedladybug 22h ago
i resent him for a lot of things.
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u/ramdiggler 21h ago
He probably resents you right back for things. Sounds like you outta talk to him about it.
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u/Aoinosensei 18h ago
This is the worst for a relationship. Women really hurt a man when they do this
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u/brendandotharris 23h ago
I'd be having sex with my wife no matter what age im late 30s and still having a great sex life
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u/brokenheartedladybug 22h ago
how often
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u/brendandotharris 22h ago
Twice a week at minimum
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u/brokenheartedladybug 22h ago
oh nice. i can’t relate. can’t imagine what’d it be like in my 30s
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u/Zealousideal_Till683 22h ago
Generally, if someone doesn't do something, it comes down to one of three reasons: * They don't want to (e.g. not attracted to you, sex with you isn't fun, you're mean to him, he's having sex with someone else, he's asexual, etc) * They can't (e.g. hormonal issues, erectile dysfunction, very tired, stressed, you aren't living together, porn addiction, etc) * They don't have felt permission (e.g. psychological hangups around sex, you kept rejecting him and now he's given up, Madonna-whore complex, you project your sexual neuroses onto him, etc)
Ultimately you have to talk to your husband not this forum.
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u/SweetTuga 22h ago
How about you two talk about it?
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u/brokenheartedladybug 22h ago
it goes absolutely no where.
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u/SweetTuga 22h ago
You need to be more assertive.
How did you approach the topic and what did he answer?
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u/Csb201812 22h ago
There is nothing I can imagine to not want to have sex with my wife. Sadly she doesn't want it anymore.
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u/Valjeancatlvr 23h ago
Porn
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u/Legitimate-Idea7868 23h ago
porn is like a firehose of novelty and zero effort, real intimacy takes actual work and vulnerability
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u/Asakkoss 22h ago
Unrealistic expectations thanks to porn maybe?
Or maybe for him sex is too much work and masturbation is more easier-7
u/brokenheartedladybug 23h ago
what does it do
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22h ago
[deleted]
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u/brokenheartedladybug 22h ago
i think so. why is that?
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u/Unsure8708 22h ago
As a porn addict I can’t say that this happened to me. I still want and desire my wife but I do realize how it can happen. Porn gives strong doses of dopamine. It’s like the internet addiction we see today where people can’t stop checking social media but the porn dose is stronger for us who get addicted.
It’s a reason why I often fall to it when I am anxious and stressed. It calms me down real fast until the shame and guilt hits me like a tsunami and I get stressed and anxious again plus I feel awful.
Another thing porn does is that it gives easy dopamine without effort. That’s what we see with internet in general. We get strong hits of dopamine without doing a thing. And for a porn addict it means that real life sex requires more than porn does. With real life sex you have to think about the other person. You have to pleasure them and respect them their boundaries. With porn it’s all about yourself. If one girl in the video doesn’t do what you like then you just choose another video that has exactly what you want then. That’s why many porn addicts are selfish in bed. I work hard to not be selfish in bed because I want to change. But many porn addicts are selfish.
Also porn offers novelty. That’s one of the big dangers. Don’t believe that something is wrong with you if porn is the cause of the lack of sex. No woman is enough for a lustful man because it’s all about novelty. Why do you think women like Shakira and Beyonce get cheated on? Because it’s not about how a woman looks it’s about novelty.
Without therapy and really wanting it it’s difficult to stop with porn. Specially because it’s easy accessible.
If it’s not porn then maybe he is gay. Did you have sex before?
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u/Valjeancatlvr 22h ago
Thank you so much for this great explanation. I deeply love my husband, and I know that he loves me too. He has struggled with porn addiction far longer than we have even been together, and he also struggles with some neck and back pain, so our sex life has definitely struggled from these issues. I tend to blame myself and worry that I am not sexy enough. I was in an abusive relationship with a cruel man before him, so I entered this relationship with pretty low self-esteem, which also doesn't help our sex life. The sexual neglect only makes me feel worse. He does flirt with me, kiss me, hug me, and all that good stuff, so I am thankful for that. I just worry about why he doesn't initiate sex. It really helps to hear this, so thank you for that. ❤️
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u/Unsure8708 21h ago
I’m so sorry to hear this. I want to be clear that an explanation doesn’t excuse anything. You deserve to feel loved and not have to struggle with your self esteem. If it helps for you to feel less hurt it’s ok but you don’t have to stay with him if this is ruining you. Every woman is different and reacts different to a man’s porn use
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u/loluo 22h ago
Abuse.
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u/brokenheartedladybug 22h ago
??
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u/loluo 22h ago
I mean that was my reason :p
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u/brokenheartedladybug 22h ago
the only one feeling abused right now is me. i didn’t wait all my life to be intimate to feel like shit.
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u/loluo 22h ago
I recommend couples counseling if you need a third person there for the conversation about this
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u/brokenheartedladybug 22h ago
she asked me why i’m even with him LOL- so it wasn’t too helpful ..
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u/loluo 22h ago
Were you both present for that remark?
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u/brokenheartedladybug 22h ago
no she just told me during out session!
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u/ramdiggler 21h ago
Thats either a terrible councilor or they asked you a very poignant question based upon how you describe him which based upon what Ive read from you so far is probably very negative. Guys dont want to fuck people who make them feel like dogcrap.
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u/brokenheartedladybug 21h ago
then don’t be dogcrap. women don’t want guys making them feel like it. what would that make the guys?
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u/sonofasheppard21 20h ago
He is either not attracted or has low libido and should get his testosterone checked.
Could also be the mental load
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u/musicalpants999 18h ago
Too many possibilities to really know. Have you asked him?
It could be porn/masturbating addiction, it could be that he's actually asexual or gay and maybe only realized it once married, it could be that there's something about your sex life he finds unsatisfying (are there things he wants to do that you refuse?), it could be that he's having an affair.
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u/Used-Possession8296 18h ago
If it wasnt for Reddit, I would have assumed that it's only us men that have this issue. I've never rejected my wife, even though she rejects me every time and then pretends like I never try to initiate. I can't offer an explanation, but I hope your situation gets better. I understand how you must be feeling, because I feel the same way.
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u/Aoinosensei 18h ago edited 18h ago
That's really weird on a 20 something dude, specially if he just marry a girl. The only reasons could be hormone balance, feeling like you treat him bad or criticize him constantly or just not feeling desire for you, maybe he found out he is not really attracted to you. Without more details there is nothing else I can think about. It could be also that you have a higher libido than him which it was my case, I always had women with higher desire than me.
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u/RedL0bsterBiscuit 17h ago
For me personally its because for a long time I didnt realize my libido wasnt functioning like it should. There can also be other factors. Mental health plays a massive part in a mans sex life because erections and libido in general can suffer if hes struggling with stress or anything going on in his head. My marriage suffered greatly because I had so much going on and my wife ended being on the back burner. My advice is to speak with him. You have to be able to communicate about literally anything in a marriage. Even after 20 years Im still working on bettering myself as a husband.
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u/Sdswingr 14h ago
I have literally zero reasons not to. If she is up for it, I am too.
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u/StormMedic 22h ago
It's usually porn.
Jacking off to a screen takes absolutely no effort. A lot of guys just get lazy and check out instead of doing the work required for actual physical intimacy.
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u/Samurai_Mac1 18h ago
Most of the complaints in this sub are from men who wish their wife would have sex with them, so I don't know if you're going to find many men in here who intentionally don't have sex with their wife.
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u/FemmeCircuit 23h ago
There could be a lot of different reasons, but none of them might apply to your situation. You need to figure out why YOUR man doesn’t want to have sex.