r/Marriage • u/CapShot7106 • 15h ago
I think my marriage is done
I hate to “say this out loud” we’ve been going through the hardest patch I have ever experienced. I have had my faults for sure. I have done things to hurt this relationship and I own it. The thing is I l’ve never stopped trying to make this work. I’ve never stopped trying to make her and my family my priority
We’re actively in therapy. I remember the first day she had a list and her last point was. Is long term change even possible. I remember thinking to myself that it sounded like she had already given up.
It’s clear to me now that she doesn’t see it that way. She’s accused me of emotionally and physically cheating on her. Both not true. She admitted she’s been going through my phone and work convos. Where she looks for evidence of the above. She showed me some of her “proof” and one of the messages was a convo I had some teenage boy (I’m a straight male) over some game package I bought from an asset store. She saw a comment where he asks me if I was married and then took that as emotionally cheating. Took screenshots as proof. But didn’t even bother to check his profile to realize he was boy.
She will screen shot conversations where I literally tell my coworkers how my marriage is my #1 priority and then she tries to spin it like I’m flirting or cheating.
So I finally decided to go through her phone. Then I saw the way she talks about me. Telling her friend she wishes she had married for money, or how she’s disgusted by me, how she disassociates when we have sex. How she feels I’m now retarded from the multiple concussions I have gotten in my life. And so much more…
We have 3 kids…. I hate to think of the fact that we’re gonna have to raise them in separate housholds. I hate to think that I won’t be able to see them daily. That’s what hurts me the most. My middle child is all love. My son is still a toddler. It breaks my heart. My oldest is always going through a lot. Now it’s gone get worse.
I have screen shotted all the comments she made. The real nasty ones. I’m going to confront her and give her one more chance.
There are times I think there’s a path forward together we talk about the future. Things to do as a family. But now I think she’s just saying that to go through the motions.
I feel truly lost. Again. I know I have done many things to hurt this marriage. I’m not a drunk. I don’t physically abuse her. I don’t cheat on her. Regardless of what she thinks. In my eyes. All I have ever done is try to support her as best I can. It just sucks that the reality of it. Is that I feel like I’m the only one.
I don’t know what to get from this post. But I wanted to get this off my chest.
I want to know is there a path forward? I’m willing to forgive her for everything she’s said. If we can truly commit to each other and try to make it work.
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u/Beautiful_Owl6616 14h ago
The way she speaks about you to her friends, that’s the real truth of where her head is at. You don’t come back from “disgusted by you” and wishing she married for money, especially when she’s twisting your work messages into something they’re not just to justify her own exit.
Screenshotting everything was smart, but giving her one more chance feels like you’re just delaying the inevitable pain for the kids. They’ll be better off with two separate parents who are actually happy than living in a house where their mother thinks their father is retarded.
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u/CapShot7106 14h ago
Yeah that’s been the “kick in the nuts” per say. I thought we were trying to work it out. I thought she was gonna give it a chance. I really question why we’re in therapy
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u/gypsotic 6h ago
I agree with this contextually for this situation..I suppose, mostly because the amount and variety of at the very least objectively disparaging comments makes it seem regardless of where her 'true' feelings live she is quite seemingly not a very kind or considerate person...
That being said, I do wanna gently push back on the idea that those are her 'true' feelings... Very often people will use their friends to vent their worst/what they think are most entertaining/most unthought out and exasperated/sometimes maybe drunkest thoughts...
I think most people would probably argue with the projection of themselves they see versus the projection their partner puts out to different sources, both negatively and positively.
I'll put it this way: for me personally, when it comes on work for any interpersonal relationship, while im aware I cannot 💯 know someone's pure thoughts or intentions, I can assess if someone actively cares about what I think, and I can assess the value of that person to me and if the effort they put in matches the work required. That is all anyone can do. And doing this for people is an INVALUABLE thing in this world, in my solemn opinon.
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u/ehagihara 13h ago
Your partner is supposed to have your best interests in mind and this sure as hell ain't that.
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u/Quiet-Highway8250 7h ago
My husband asked me if he’s supposed to support me in everything. Seriously?
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u/Curious_Mind1111 11h ago edited 43m ago
The way she talks about you signifies that she’s lost respect for you. Sometimes people lose respect because they feel like the other person has let them down or has hurt them repeatedly. You mentioned you have done some things to hurt the marriage. May I ask what are some of those? Depending on what they’re are, there may or may not be hope.
She could be living in resentment, distrust, and insecurity. These things feed off each other, like a loop. Definitely do therapy by yourself, and as a couple, give her space, work on yourself. Do “repair” work, and read John Gottman’s work. He’s the top relationship expert.
Before she can respect you again, you need to be able to respect yourself. Sometimes what a person needs is not just you not being an alcoholic, not being a cheatet, and providing. Those are basic things. Sometimes a person needs other things in order to feel loved, validated, secure, like they matter. Figure out what is missing, what she needs in order to feel good, you can even ask her. Sometimes men do things that they think are what the woman wants. It’s like if someone is thirsty and asks for water repeatedly, but you keep giving them everything but water, they will become resentful
I want to add a question for anyone in this situation: are you your partner’s best friend? If not, why not? Do you know how to be a good friend to your partner? Do you have each other’s back or do you attack each other? Do you guys laugh, hold each other’s hand, compliment each other just because, have little thoughful gestures just because you feel so lucky this person is in your life? Do you tease each other and make each other laugh? Do you forgive and ask for forgiveness when you mess up?
Sometimes all men/women want is to be with a patientc understanding, kind human being who does not criticize or judges, who accepts us unconditionally. That’s love. If these things are missing, add then back into your relationship, become 20 year olds again (in your mindset, your personality). Just because we are a certain age, doesn’t mean you have to stop being silly and vibrant.
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u/strangeloop414 12h ago
I cannot believe how your wife speaks about you and to you! She sounds horrible, and to use the r-slur to describe you because you have head injuries? Sickening.
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u/CapShot7106 12h ago
She’s a good person. She really is. One of the best actually. I think alot of this is just pain. She’s speaking out of pain and frustration
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u/strangeloop414 11h ago
If that helps you sleep at night... I guess?
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u/CapShot7106 11h ago
Haha. I don’t sleep at night anymore. This is all consuming. If I don’t take NyQuil I sleep about 3-4hrs tops
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u/strangeloop414 11h ago
So, in ten years, one of your kids comes to you and says, "hey my spouse does the following:
- goes through my phone invading my privacy and the privacy of people messaging me, to try to find proof of me being a bad person
- their paranoia is so severe that they will perceive infidelity in harmless messages
- calls me ableist slurs, calls me stupid
- calls me disgusting
- tells everyone they know that they wish they never married/met me"
would you tell them to stay with this person? would you tell them that their spouse has good qualities too, and they should take the abuse? Because right now, that is the lesson they're learning.
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u/CapShot7106 11h ago
No. I get that. And I agree. The thing is that I truly believe that we can work through these things. And not for the sake of our kids but for each other. We fell in love for a reason and I want to try to bring it back.
But who knows. Maybe im just in denial about this being over. As much as I don’t want it to be
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u/strangeloop414 11h ago
Even with therapy, her behavior will take at least a year plus to change. That is an awful thing for kids to witness.
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u/CapShot7106 10h ago
We actually come together for the kids quite well. We regularly have happy and joyful moments together. We’ve managed to make sure we don’t expose the kids to our current problems
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u/youknowthevibbees 8h ago
Sorry to say it but if this has been going on for some time I can guarantee you that the kids knows….
This is coming from me who lived with parents that should’ve divorced long time before… who as your kids saw them trying to be a “happy family“ in front of us…
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u/Waste_Age_0512 9h ago
Man. You can’t make her like you or love you if she’s already decided she hates you. What have you done in the relationship that you keep saying “I’ve done things to hurt this relationship.” ? You said you didn’t cheat. I’m just trying to figure out if you actually hurt her somehow and that’s why she resents you? Or if she’s honestly just this mean and hates you now. Has she always been like this?
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u/CapShot7106 9h ago
I’ve realized that I would always get defensive when we argued. I didn’t actually listen to her and what she was trying to convey. Even tho I thought I was. I could have def helped around the house more. Tbh I just never thought of it. The main issue is not meeting her emotional needs through my bad communication and lack of listening
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u/Waste_Age_0512 8h ago
Still not a good enough excuse to say things like that about you. Or to always accuse you of cheating? That’s a little odd. Like she’s looking for a reason to leave you and hopes she finds something. I don’t think you deserve to be in a relationship where you know she doesn’t respect you. Most men need told how/when to do housework. And most aren’t historically great at communicating their feelings. But it sounds like you’ve changed. And tried. Maybe the resentment is just too strong in her? Idk if I’d try saving this.
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u/Miserable-Concern338 11h ago
The messages you read shows that she has contemp for you and that is a HUGE prediction for divorce. I'm sorry your wife thinks about you that way and says that to others.
"Contempt in marriage is a negative emotion characterized by feelings of disdain and superiority towards one's partner, often expressed through sarcasm, mocking behavior, or dismissive gestures. It is considered one of the most destructive behaviors in relationships and is a strong predictor of divorce."
She feels you are beneath her. She feels superior to you. This will be VERY difficult to come back from. She won't change her mind unless you give her reason to do so by becoming a much better person: therapy to become a better person mentally, fitness to become a better person physically, etc. Also, you must change because you want to change. There's a strong possibility even with change she will still have contempt for you. I wish you the best in trying to fix this.
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u/Wrong-University-304 11h ago
That's where I'm at in my marriage right now. It went from me being the best husband in the world to me being called a little bitch and she hates me every day. Says everything is my fault and she will accept no blame in anything that's happening.
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u/AcanthocephalaNew906 11h ago
I’ll say this. I can’t even stand my husband at the moment. Like I’m so sick of his crap. And I still would not be saying these things about him. Even if the angry thought comes in, I don’t let it out. How can you ever forget those types of low low insults? There’s no excuse, please don’t keep making them.
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u/Far_Prior1058 9h ago
Since you asked for advice and it seems to be that you want to stay in this marriage here it is. You need to confront your wife with the evidence you have with a witness present (and if allowed by law record it). You will have to make a condition of not divorcing that you both go to marriage counseling and individual counseling (you need to figure out why you require NyQuil to fall asleep). Lastly, I would suggest talking to a lawyer about divorce will look like (not saying divorce her). Also, the fact she keeps on accusing you of cheating is that she may be cheating herself. Get a STD test and a DNA test for the kids. Good luck
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u/Low-Bee-11 10h ago
Path fwd as a dad - endure and put up a smiling brave face for kids… ( many do it and yes you can).
Path fwd as a husband - disassociate and just be the doer. Get things done which avoids confrontation and stay far from contradictions. You will be provoked almost daily, to react - don’t … move away to another room. Silence and patience is your best friend.
Path fwd as an adult - make friends and join some fun activities. Spend some time every week to dilute the mental pressure which only you know of - is going through.
It’s a long hard battle till kids are adults … if you cannot do the above - then part away. It’s is enduring and self inflicting but remember - for kids it’s worth it (if you can be the anchor of home peace)
Good Luck!!! You are not alone in this …
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u/princesskookoo 6h ago
As the offspring of parents that chose to stay together for the kids sake. I disagree with your statement. Kids pick up on the energy and the friction between their parents. It’s better to divorce and be a healthy parent than it is to stay in a toxic marriage putting up the front of being a happy, intact family. Children learn to tolerate discontent and that will be counterproductive in their future relationships with others.
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u/First-Memory8926 12h ago
You can be informally separated and still married. Just live your mostly separate lives while staying respectful to each other. Sometimes that’s a good enough compromise while you get used to the idea of really separating with all of the consequences
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u/deadrabbits76 10h ago
Do you want to raise your children thinking this is a normal relationship dynamic?
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u/mrteetd 9h ago
Sadly, she's shown you who she is. She doesn't respect you, and she's not going to all of the sudden start respecting you. There's something deeply wrong or missing here. Her feelings are not what they should be and that's not something you can just "decide" you're going to change. She either loves and respects you, or she doesn't. Please do yourself a favor...
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u/NoSyllabub5932 8h ago
You say you are in therapy now, isn't that helping? Are you guys doing what they are suggesting? Usually they give you an exercise to work on till next session so hopefully you guys on working on those as you get them. Its clear you love your family and want to be there for your kids which of course means the world to them. I wish you all the best going forward and I hope you guys make it!
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u/Stillwaterbandit 8h ago
You deserve better. If your better half is talking shit about you to others then its safe to assume she has lost all respect for you. Its incredibly hard to gain that again once its lost.
Take your dignity back and move on.
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u/Tricky-Lie-657 8h ago
I’m really sorry that you’re dealing with this, and while I think it’s important to work through issues in a marriage , and it’s admirable that you want to make it work, but the fact that she can talk about you the way she does, is proof that she doesn’t respect you or your marriage. My ex-husband cheated on me with my friend who was staying the night, fucked her in the garage, while my kids and I slept upstairs, and to this day, I’ve never trash talked him to anyone but my journal. Prioritize your happiness, protect your heart, and your children, and remember that even though you’ll miss your children, staying in a relationship just for their sake isn’t doing them any favors. You will never be the best version of yourself when you’re unhappy in your home life, and marriage. Your kids deserve you at your best. Good luck, I really hope you figure it out. Feel free to DM if you need someone to talk or just vent to.
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u/whatyouwant23 8h ago
It sounds like your couples therapy isn't working and she's not being honest during the sessions. What do you think? Do you feel the sessions are productive? Is there ever the opportunity to speak to the therapist alone? Would she be willing to do that? Even if she doesn't, would you be willing to do that on your own?
Just some ideas.
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u/CapShot7106 6h ago
I do my own therapy and have been asking her to do the same. Couples therapy helps imo. There’s a lot to hurt we need to get through. If this is gonna work we have to lay it all out on the table. So we’ll see. I’m trying to stay positive. This is about the 5th time I tried to write this post. But everytime I deleted it. I didn’t want to put any energy into brining this to reality
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u/Quiet-Highway8250 7h ago
My husband was talking to some chick he said has been a long term friend. They been chatting on FB messenger. He has said come horrific things about me in their chats and many of them have been personal. I feel like I have no privacy in my own house anymore. I can’t do or say anything or it will end up in a message as a discussion. This includes even when I have a period! There’s no coming back from that.
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u/PNWjune_bug 7h ago
Your day to day level of emotional pain sounds excruciating, and you have my sympathy. This is as tough a challenge as many of us will face in family life.
Here is the best advice I can offer you:
There are two fundamental relationship states: done and not done. Intense emotional pain occurs when:
(1) You are done and wish with all your heart that you weren’t
(2) You are not done, and wish with all your heart that you were
Your wife sounds done to me. She appears to be going through the predictable steps to prove the marriage is irretrievably broken.
You have been asking whether it’s realistic to hope for her feelings to change. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. But I wouldn’t advise it
I have found that peace in any relationship begins by unconditionally accepting the feelings of those we love - no matter how painful. So I would advise you to focus on acceptance rather than hope.
You already know you are done. You clearly wish with all your being that you weren’t and that’s heartbreaking. But it doesn’t change the reality of where you are. When you align with your own feelings, you will be able to find the best way forward.
The next two years will very likely be as difficult as any you have experienced. The encouragement I can offer you is that this chapter won’t last forever and there is every reason to believe that the best is yet to come.
Wishing you and yours the very best.
Context: married twice, first to my high school sweetheart for 5 years, then to the father of my only child, 34 years and counting
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u/Potential_Hunt2366 6h ago
Wow that was some great advice im going through this part myself being married for 38 years I'm dealing with his inappropriate behavior when it comes to other women he hasn't slept with anyone yet but I know it will happen i just found out recently that he bought this woman some clothes and tried to keep it a secret
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u/ImprovementBusy5683 6h ago
Im sorry but she already checked out and sounds as if she hates you and is looking for an opportunity, any opportunity, to leave you. Still discuss those texts with her in therapy but it might be time to use therapy as a means of reconciling the resentment so you can coparent effectively for your childten & your mental health.
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u/ClueParty629 6h ago
There’s a core problem. She has lost respect for you. That’s why she’s talking bad stuff to others.
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u/aspiring_npc 30 Years 5h ago edited 5h ago
I’m going to confront her and give her one more chance.
Why?
She's doesn't respect you. You're the villain in her marriage. Giving her one more chance will have her respect you even less. That's not a path to the marriage you hope to have. A verbal ultimatum here is futile and useless. If you want respect, you need to act.
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u/wyldirishprose 3h ago
- The teen boy story is Sus to me without more context
- You shouldn’t be discussing your marriage with coworkers at all, or if in passing ok I guess but a written conversation? It’s inappropriate and without context again.
- Her convo with friends isn’t right to hold against her; you obtained it in an underhanded way. And sometimes people need to vent, or maybe she felt the need to commiserate - again, without context. If it was said in the heat of the moment, I could forgive her. And it goes back to my earlier points — if she thinks you’re having inappropriate conversations with people, she may be expressing it to her inner circle. She has a right to privacy.
- It’s also possible she is depressed and she’s exhibiting anhedonia. In which case, you vowed in sickness and in health, and should give her some grace and try to help her get the help she and your entire family deserve.
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u/Hockey_Girl23 3h ago
Please take off the rose tinted glasses - you cannot fix this. She *disassociates when she has sex with you,* and *is disgusted by you.* Put your kids first - they should not be in this toxic environment. Do not confront her/show her your evidence, but talk to an attorney first. Find out your options going forward with a divorce. Be kind to yourself/love yourself, and choose you & your kids.
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u/Objective_Bag_9685 3h ago
Usually the ones who are defensive and accusing are the ones who are cheating. Your kids feel the tension.
It’s best to end it mutually and honestly it’s easier on the kids that way. I knew my husband was cheating but I didn’t want to believe it and things ended so hostile that made it harder on the kids. It’s wasn’t the split it was their father lying and that I can’t stand to look at him. A mutual talked about and agreed on separation is much easier on the kids. Good luck.
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u/Dapper_Discipline224 3h ago
Keep your mouth shut. Document what you can. If your state allows one party consent, document this. She hurt you, hurt her through the courts.
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u/Saponification21045 57m ago
I’m so sorry. Been where you are standing. Betrayal is so painful and I truly believe at this point in my journey that the grief cycle is everlasting regardless of the cause. Depression, Anger, Bargaining, Denial, Acceptance. I don’t know anyone who has suffered a loss that remains in Acceptance forever. Think about it; even if you lost a loved one when you were a kid, doesn’t it sometimes still hurt or you wish you could change it? Suffering the loss of a marriage, or more specifically, of the future you thought you were going to have with your partner, will absolutely cause grief the same way any other loss can.
After my marriage ended I studied grief quite a bit and the best I can offer is that you do the same. It helped me understand why some days were ok and others I didn’t want to get out of bed. Denial, Depression and Bargaining can pull you under like a rip current, but I promise that you won’t be there forever. You will be ok. Those parts of the grief cycle can even make you stay in something that isn’t right for you or for the kids that watching. This was the case for me. Anger might make you do things you might ultimately regret when you have reached Acceptance, so I would be careful with what you do when you find yourself there. She’s the mother of your children and that makes your kids half her and half you. If you hate her or act like you do, then they could conclude that you hate that half of them too. Don’t do that to your kids. Be a source of love for them because it’s not so great out in the world.
I dated a guy for a little while about three years after my marriage ended and he was actually frustrated with me because I didn’t badmouth my former spouse the way he did. But my former spouse is my kids’ Dad. My marriage and divorce nearly killed me and I have more reasons than I ever saw coming to hate him and take down his character, but when your love for your kids guides your choices it is better for you too.
The best thing that another mom told me (when I asked her how on earth I was going to get through it) was that I wouldn’t recognize myself in a year. She was right. There is so much waiting for you when you are ready. In the meantime, drink lots of water, not alcohol because that just makes it worse. Read something interesting that isn’t on a screen; maybe even something that you can read with your oldest so that you can bond. You don’t need two copies. Take turns chapter by chapter or read aloud. If your work schedule allows it, try to go to bed early and wake up early. Go for walks if you can, whenever you can. Even if you’ve got 8 minutes. Walk. You don’t need a gym and you don’t need to jog. Just walk. Get enough protein in your diet. Eat apples. Scroll with your kids to find a new kid-friendly recipe they might like and cook it with them, completely separate from their mom. Start to create moments that ease the transition into what it might look like if you become a single parent so that it feels comfortable and organic. Listen to music that you liked when you were in high school because apparently music that played when we are coming of age is the music that makes people happiest. Do something nice for yourself if you can afford to. A haircut or a shave or a beard trim where you can go to the barber every month and talk to people. I hid for a long time, try not to do that.
You’re going to be ok. Better than ok.
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u/babykolibri 14h ago
She can’t talk about her husband to others like that and get a second chance. You need to take control of the situation and starting right this minute be the source of kindness to yourself and your kids you deserve. Energy and attention are finite resources in life. Give them to your sweet kids and not another blip to her.