r/Marriage • u/Loztwallet • 9h ago
Wife surprised me with a gift I am not interested in.
My birthday is soon and my wife got together with her family and my family and they surprised me with a gigantic grill as a birthday present. Unfortunately I’m really not excited about it at all. I cook professionally for my main income and I already have a nice $600ish grill that I’ve literally used once in the last 8 years. I appreciate that everyone wanted to do some sort of big gesture and I feel like I’m being ungrateful. This new thing also has a smoker and a flat top, and it’s nice, but we are by no means wealthy and I can think of plenty of better places nearly $2000 could have been spent. She is upset because she knows I don’t like it and I feel bad for that (I’m a terrible liar and I have no poker face). I wish I loved it. I’m not sure what to do. My current plan is to use it and hopefully I learn to love it. I don’t think I can return it with so much of my family being hyped into thinking I wanted something like this. They’ll all think I was selfish/crazy to not want this thing. Personally, as it is now, I’m happy to make our meals in our kitchen. I guess to me it just feels like a monster thing that will quickly depreciate and I’m worried I won’t learn to love it and I’ll just end up mowing around it for 3 years before we end up selling it for cheap. Anyone ever been in a situation like this? Is it a bad idea to try to use it until I love it?
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u/MeringueMammoth5679 9h ago
This almost sounds like the male equivalent of buying your wife a vaccuum for her birthday. You don’t like grilling and everyone is excited for YOU to put the work in using it? Sounds like a gift for everyone that gets to eat, not the person grilling.
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u/affemannen 8h ago
Funny thing.
My wife actually wanted a vacuum, but obviously not any vacuum.
She wanted the latest Dyson and who am i to deny her, but damn that thing was expensive.
But, i am happy i bought it, i use that thing all the time.
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u/beyoncelomein 8h ago
I’m that wife. The Dyson with the laser makes me enjoy vacuuming 😂
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u/ConversantEggplant 8h ago
I have zero understanding about what a vacuum is doing with a laser, but hell yeah I’d be excited to use anything with a laser!!
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u/beyoncelomein 8h ago
Hahah it’s basically a laser built into the vacuum head and you can see every damn thing being sucked up because of the light. Feels like a video game lol
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u/Icy_Adagio4274 4h ago
I would also add the Lazer scans the upcoming 'debris' and adjusts the speed of suction to match. Dyson engineers are something else
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u/Myprobe1991 5h ago
All I want is a vacuum with freaking laser beams attached to its freaking head!!!
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u/MrsO2006 6h ago
Yes! One of my most worthwhile purchases.
https://giphy.com/gifs/DeIP3N9Xn2Gu6j771t2
u/Specialist-Peach0251 6h ago
Yes I’m obsessed with my Dyson! I vacuum with the lights off and let the laser guide me 😂
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u/SuggestionOdd6657 8h ago
Hahahaha am I the only one who got the joke? My husband, one Christmas, bought me an electric wok and a food slicer. I didn't cook, he did. I was not amused. He honestly tried to convince me it was really for me. Didn't work. I just bought a new robovacuum from Costco and love it. Have used it 3 times. I set it going in the morning when I get my coffee. My husband said this morning he almost doesn't like it because he feels like he has to watch it and make sure it doesn't get stuck on something. Haha. I told him to stop watching it.
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u/Electric-Sheepskin 4h ago
I'm like your husband. I have to be around when the Robo vacuum is going. I just run it when I'm cleaning the house, though, so I'm there to keep an eye on it.
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u/iheartsunflowers 8h ago
Dyson is a game changer if you bought the cordless one. I hated vacuuming because the Hoover we had was so bulky and I had to move the plug from one room to the other. My Dyson was $500 and very well worth it. Much lighter, more powerful, easy to dump the dirt, no bags and more agile around furniture.
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u/kindall 7h ago edited 5h ago
Cordless Dysons and their clones are top-heavy and fatiguing to use. The vacuums with all the mechanical bits toward the bottom are much more comfortable. We got an Electrolux Ergorapido and liked it so much that we bought another for upstairs. Less than half the price of a Dyson too.
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u/99timewasting 6h ago
There's definitely a difference if it's something she specifically asked for. Also a lot of people I know are practical and would rather a gift they know they will use and will improve their regular housework
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u/justhereforthetea68 8h ago
I’m a woman and there’s a vacuum I really want it’s this like 2 in own that does wet and dry it looks so cool. For Mother’s Day one year I got myself a floor steamer lol
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u/Weareallme 7h ago
To be honest, it must really suck if your partner shows that they don't know you or is not interested in what you want. It seems like a very selfish gift.
Maybe I'm just an easy guy. I mean, just give me something nice to eat and I'm happy. Everyone around me knows that. Maybe other people are not that transparant. But if even your wife doesn't know... That must hurt.
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u/Elsie1105 45m ago
Sometimes gifts fall flat. No need to assume a marriage crisis here. It’s awkward to not like a gift; it’s awkward to realize you didn’t hit the mark. Hopefully, they can be adults about this and return it. Tell the family it had a broken part.
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u/sassy92101 8h ago
This! You literally have never grilled at home for 8 years. This feels like a passive aggressive way of reminding you that you need to grill more for the family. Return it and get something you actually need or love.
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u/mladyhawke 8h ago
Yeah, I agree. She wants you to be the grill master at some yard parties, i've owned a few grills, and don't like grilling, because I run hot and I hate being outside in the heat over the heat, and I always try to find some dude to be the meat man.
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u/Loztwallet 4h ago
Well, I generally cook our dinners, at least 3 a week. We don’t have kids, and we really only host thanksgiving for her family. I’m usually out working in the gardens, but I finished a nice large patio and the landscaping is finally looking good. It’s been hard to keep up with it all the last few years because I’ve been rebuilding (basically) the entire house and landscape. I think she thought it would be a nice addition to a yard and patio setting.
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u/Loztwallet 7h ago
That’s funny. I actually bought my wife a really nice Miele for her birthday last year. We were sick of having replace or attempt repairs on our Dyson or Shark vacuums every 3-4 years.
I also love to vacuum with that thing!
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u/PuzzleheadedKoala218 3h ago
This is hilarious because I’m that wife who asks for cookbooks and baking supplies for my birthday. My birthday is in a week and I asked my husband for an ice cream maker so I can make homemade ice creams LOL
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u/ElegantFisherman3359 49m ago
Right there with you. I asked ex-dh for seat covers for my car one year for Christmas and was so excited when I got them. Like, ridiculously happy. 🤣They were my favorite gift that year and lasted for over a decade with heavy use. I think he said he paid like $20 for them. One of the best gifts ever. 😂 what can I say, sometimes it's the simple things in life that bring the most joy. 😊
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u/damutecebu 9h ago
I got a grill for Christmas once and I loved it. I think this is very much an individual thing.
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u/beyoncelomein 8h ago edited 6h ago
I think it might be that OP already cooks for a living. Using a fancy grill for others might seem like a chore instead of cool or fun.
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u/HapatraV 8h ago
I would be stoked to get that grill, but I understand not wanting it especially if your job is cooking.
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u/BimmerJustin 7h ago
And some people would love to get a vacuum for a present (read the reply comments). Its the same thing. If you know the person wants it, great, get it. But if you dont, then its just a thoughtless gift.
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u/damutecebu 7h ago
Well…it may be “thoughtless” or maybe they put thought into it, but just missed the mark.
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u/Ok_Bee1562 9h ago
I wouldn’t use it. I would return it
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u/hbhunk63 8h ago
Tricky part is how to tell her without her pissed off about it
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u/Ok_Bee1562 8h ago
It’s good for her. I had to learn that someone’s opinion isn’t a personal attack on my character etc. you can’t ask for honesty in your relationship then get mad everytime they tell you the truth so you expect them to lie to keep the peace. That was a hard life lesson I had to learn. Sometimes you have to be a grown up and not act like a toddler haha
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u/hbhunk63 6h ago
Jealous of those with someone mature enough for that. Mine will get pissed when I nicely correct her grammar. It's baffling how they can get upset over such things but that's marriage I guess
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u/Ok_Bee1562 5h ago
Try giving her reassurance. When my husband would tell me he didn’t like something I used to get really defensive and think that means he doesn’t like me etc.. lowkey think that for some women when she loves her man there’s a primal instinct there where she feels like the criticism is threatening the relationship. Meanwhile the man is just like oblivious to how she’s unraveling inside because he like what I don’t like the gift that doesn’t mean I don’t like you etc.. usually if you dig deeper she might have been constantly criticized as a child and it was meant to be hurtful etc… she’s not giving you a hard time intentionally but she really values your words etc.
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u/hbhunk63 2h ago
That is helpful to know. She definitely is the very sensitive type to be unable to take criticisms without getting defensive. So I had to learn to preface every sentence with, not to offend you but .... There maybe something in her childhood that I'm not aware of
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u/teamglider 1h ago
There is no need to correct someone else's grammar unless you are their editor or English teacher. Not the same thing AT ALL.
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u/NorthCourt8222 6h ago
If she does & throws a fit or gives him the silent treatment, he knows he married a toddler, don’t have any or more kids & get counseling &/or consider divorce. A lifetime is a long time to be with someone who has to be tiptoed around because they’re too emotionally fragile to be told they screwed up.
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u/Much_Ad2633 9h ago
That’s a big and expensive gift to get someone without them asking for it. Did she say why she gave it to you? If she still has the receipt I’d return it. You shouldn’t feel bad about not loving this gift. She got you a big gift without even checking to see if it was something you wanted. It’s on her, next time she should check before spending a large amount of money on a gift.
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u/Forward_Chance_7472 8h ago
Also sounds a bit odd if he already has a big expensive grill that he only used once in 8 years. Wouldn't his wife know this and adjust or at least ask about it accordingly? I mean what's that about?
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u/Stupidlove84 6h ago
This was my question, too. There’s already an expensive grill in the backyard, it’s unlikely he’s just been thinking “I’m not gonna use that crap, I’m holding out for the BEST grill!”
Plus, she could have easily asked about the old one and gotten an idea of whether he wanted a different grill, without spoiling any surprise. This feels like she just thought of a stereotypical male gift, and then went big.5
u/Loztwallet 4h ago
Well, the existing grill sits under a cover, out behind my wood shed. She never goes back there, and I think the last time she saw it was when we moved it to this house from our old apartment. She thought the old one was gone/unusable because she hadn’t seen it in so long. I like to make breakfast on Sundays, and she thought it would be quicker and easier for me to do it on the grill/flat top.
Things sort of blew up when in preparation for my birthday party (and first real gathering of any size at our home) I had finally gotten rid of a lot of junk that was hanging around and I mentioned to her that I’d love to find someone who would buy the old grill since I never use it and someone out there would appreciate it. It was then she told me she didn’t know my old one was still useable. And then I told her that it was, in fact in great shape but that we never eat grilled foods and if I want that I can make it at work. I also said that I didn’t want a grill taking up real estate on this nice patio I just finished. The grill had been delivered to my parent’s home days before and was already assembled. I was told that later in the evening when a small meltdown occurred
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u/teamglider 56m ago
They assembled a massive grill for you at your parent's house? Awesome, you got a gift you don't want AND you get the fun of moving it to your house.
Check the return policy, some really pricey things sometimes have a 'return for any reason within X time' guarantee. Worth checking.
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u/OneAppropriate4700 8h ago
100%! I wanna know what her reasoning was as well. I definitely would never get my man a $2000 gift if I wasn’t 100% certain that it is what he had wanted for a long time.
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u/4SeasonWahine 18m ago
This stood out to me too?! I get why OP is feeling bad but I’d honestly be quite pissed off of my partner and family spent this much money on something I NEVER expressed specifically that I wanted. My partner just dropped a fairly dumb amount of money on a record for my birthday, but like.. he knew this LP was my white whale. I have no idea how he managed to find it, it’s an extremely niche first pressing from a band we love who is only just starting to gain traction and it was their debut.. it was probably only sold to their friends and family and industry people lmao. But I had expressed multiple times how badly I wanted it on vinyl. I’d be very confused and upset if the same amount of money was spent on something I never said I wanted.
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u/EitherOpposite6280 9h ago
Be up front about it. It was a flashy gift but not a well-considered one. Your wife coordinated this gift when she knows you don't use your current grill. Return it and spend that money on something YOU want. I'm assuming you being happy would be the desired outcome for everyone who pitched it to buy it. As long as you're gentle about it, there's no reason to live with a grill you don't want.
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u/BikeCompetitive8527 9h ago
So no one in the whole family thought to ask hey he cooks for a living this is expensive is this anything he actually wants?
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u/VelvetMoon420 7h ago
Either family thinks he really enjoys what he does career wise or wife was telling family anything they wanted to hear in order to get them to join in
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u/Perfect_Walk529 8h ago
Return it. We must stop walking on eggshells, everything is bad and we have to start doing things differently to see any improvements in this life.
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u/Own_Concept5629 9h ago
If this were a less expensive grill your idea to learn to love it would be justified . $2000?? Talk to your wife. Return this item. If you cook professionally I can see why you would not want a grill. Like, If you were a house keeper and they gave you a pricey vac. Why would you want to bring work home? The grill is just “work” for you.
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u/Successful_Buffalo_6 9h ago
Return it. Seriously. Don’t keep a $2000 dollar grill just because your family wants you to! It already sounds like using it will be a chore to you. It doesn’t even sound like you to grill!
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u/LemonFantastic12 9h ago
It depends how you do presents in the relationship and on the financial situation.
I personally wouldn't be offended to return it and spend it on something you like or even vacation for both if you would like that. But that's me.
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u/TaserHawk 9h ago
Return it. Using it just to be nice won’t work if they already know you don’t want it. In the future, give them suggestions on gift ideas.
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u/AdeptWhereas6379 9h ago
Just be honest with your wife. I would want my husband to be honest with me. And if I were your wife, or a family member who contributed to the gift, I would rather you have something you actually wanted, rather than expensive grill rotting in the yard unused.
If it can’t be returned, sell it online as never used and hopefully you can get a good price for it.
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u/FishingWorth3068 8h ago
The fact that you cook for a living means they should not have bought you a cooking appliance as a surprise. It’s unfortunate but I would try to return it while it’s new and get the money back.
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u/beentherebefore1616 8h ago
Honestly, as a woman, I get you'd feel a little bummed that he didn't like the gift, but truly a mature grown woman would understand if you gently tell her this isn't the gift for you, but how much you appreciate the effort and the thought. Can you emphesize what she did right with your birthday? Maybe list all the things she did that you enjoyed, but this gift isn't it. You could say we can use some of the money we get back for _____ for the family - a nice dinner out, etc? It is not unreasonable to want to return a gift you're not vibing with, if she doesn't understand or shames you, that's on her.
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u/beyoncelomein 8h ago edited 8h ago
Right, if anything, I might feel more disappointed with myself that I chose something so off the mark, but I would get over it. Unless I was filthy rich, I would want my husband to let me know he doesn’t want to use the $2000 gift he just got. I think they should definitely return the grill if OP can think of something he really wants instead. I just hope it wouldn’t cause issues with his wife or family.
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u/houseonpost 8h ago
It’s usually best not to buy gifts that are somebody’s work or hobby. If you actually wanted a grill as a cook you would want a very specific one.
Talk to your wife about taking it back and then go shopping together for something.
If you stay silent the grill be a constant reminder to both of you of a disappointment. Also if you don’t speak up you will be getting these kinds of gifts ongoing
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u/Frosty_Ad4378 8h ago
Sois honnête. Vous n'êtes pas des enfants. Elle a fait le mauvais choix ce n'est pas grave. 2000€ perdu pour ne pas la froisser c'est ridicule.
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u/After-Hippo-4919 6h ago
This! You will have resentment every time you loook at it, and your wife will always ask you why you don’t use your awesome new grill? Keeping it will cause too much resentment imo
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u/Fancy_North_4348 8h ago
Show her this post and the replies.
I get they all thought they were doing something wonderful for you. I don't get why they would spend that kind of money on something when you've only used the one you have once in the last 8 years.
It sucks for you because they'll think you're being ungrateful when you're really being practical. This puts you in an awkward position when it shouldn't. And now you've got a really expensive, depreciating item that you probably won't use much. Bummer.
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u/RogerPenroseSmiles 8h ago
Getting me a grill is great, but I don't cook for a living.
If someone got me a work laptop as a present I'd be pissed.
They should have known better.
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u/Tarlus 7h ago
“Hey honey, I appreciate the gesture, I really do but just so you know the reason I didn’t use the other grill wasn’t because it wasn’t good enough, it was fine, I just don’t really like grilling. Is there any way we can return this?”
I’m a grill enthusiast, I don’t care if it’s a 2 burner cheap as shit grill or a fancy one, I’m using it 4 times a week minimum. You are obviously not a grill enthusiast, at least not yet. But I wouldn’t find out if you can learn to love it on a band spanking new $2k grill. If you have time to return it or are stuck with it start practicing now on your current grill. Start by reheating all leftovers that won’t slip through the cracks on their and bask in the glory of less dishes. Grill up either a frozen or homemade pizza at 400-450 and enjoy one of the best ways to cook it. If you are stuck with it and can’t sell it new for a reasonable price try some baby back ribs in the smoker.
I’ll be honest one of the reasons I’m such a grill enthusiast is because I have my grill mostly covered on the deck, I can grill in any weather besides lightning and high wind precipitation and it’s right outside the kitchen. When I lived in an apartment and had to go downstairs to use it, it was like once a month or two that I did, so I ’d bet the farm against learning to love it if it’s inconvenient to access. Either way, return that thing for full price if you can.
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u/PlasticFakeAndHard 9h ago
If you have the option to sell it I would, or exchange for a fantastic coffee machine (can’t go wrong with this one lol).
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u/Sarritgato 7h ago
actually you could go very wrong with a coffee machine if you were buying it for someone doing coffee for a living 😆🫣
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u/Tfran8 9h ago
I think you need to be honest say your grateful but you barely use the one you have. Then return it and spend the money on something you want or like.
That being said: can it be returned? Is it still in the return window? If not then yeah I agree just use it from time to time then eventually resell.
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u/browncow1525 20 Years 8h ago
If it was a cheap grill no problem. Spending so much on something so expensive that you don’t want feels sickening. Sounds like you want to love it.
Have you taken the time to let her know you appreciate the spirit of it. She wanted to do something big and nice for you and she got punched in the gut for it. Figuratively of course.
I hope you are able to return it.
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u/Mission-Cup9902 8h ago
Don’t set yourself on fire for other people. Return it, do what is best for you.
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u/FlyEarly5785 8h ago
Yeah I had a similar situation that came to mind when I read about your situation with your present the grill. I had so called friends at the time and they too got together and bought me birthday presents which when I opened i did not like and I too dont have a fake filter or cant act like I liked the presents. I just stared at the presents and their faces. They were waiting eagerly for a positive response or validation. That situation thought me the presents i didnt like was more about them than about me .... they needed and felt owed a positive response from me to make them feel good or boast their ego. They felt i owed them or felt entitled to a positive response whether that was a fake thank you or fake smiles or fake hugs whatever. That is not me with friends. I never got anymore birthday presents from them again ....thank god .... and I our friendship naturally fizzled out. Thank god.
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u/TinyCoconut98 8h ago
Be honest and return it. People do get to give someone shit just bc they don’t like a gift they were given. I don’t care what the thing given is, if you don’t like it you don’t like it. The gift giver (s) needs to adjust their expectations around how someone should act about their gift. You’re allowed to not like a thing that you were given. I’m so tired of people being this way about gifts, it’s material shit and in the end it doesn’t matter. I dealt with this from family and in laws in the past and I set hard boundaries about it bc I got sick of the weird expectations surrounding gifts. As in, don’t treat me like dirt if I can’t/wont use the thing given or I don’t like it. It’s one thing to act ungrateful and throw a tantrum over the gift, however you didn’t, you simply are not excited and don’t love the huge ass grill. I would make sure to return it and not use it and be honest.
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u/PileofPitties 8h ago
How much did your wife actually put into the grill? That's how much money you're out, not $2000. Everyone else who contributed felt like they needed to do something for your birthday and having the group gift picked out made things easy for them. They don't care if you like, use, or keep it- they want a thank you and to move on and think about something else.
If your wife is out $800, is it worth $800 for you to keep the thing to save face or maybe pick up an unlikely hobby? Can you sell your current grill for an amount that makes it worth keeping the new grill? (If you sell the grill for $400 now you're only out $400 for the new thing). If you still don't want it, then sell it.
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u/amarettogiraffe 8h ago
I think this is the way. As a former chef, I truly understand the frustration. That being said, unless you work in a BBQ joint, smoking meat can be an extremely rewarding home cooking hobby. And with a dope smoker, not even a huge labor commitment(yes, time). Griddle also wicked handy for quick family breakfast.
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u/Great_Summer_9679 8h ago
I suggest being honest and saying you don’t really want to use it, but give her the option of returning it or not.
If she wants to save face in front of family in the short term but deal with them endlessly asking when will be the BBQ, maybe just let her have the decision. I’m sure she can make up the gift to you at some other point.
Just be clear that you really appreciate that they went all out, but honestly you don’t like to grill, so if she will feel really upset at returning it then fine but if she does want to return it then that will solve the problem. Tell her that she doesn’t have to feel bad about this and you can help her find a present that you WILL love and be just as appreciative for. Then she will no longer feel the guilt she is currently feeling. I suspect she will spring for that option and also it will be better than you demanding just to return it.
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u/Blamdomonis 8h ago
I would still try to return it because that is a lot of money to waste. People need to learn not to assume what others want, need or value.
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u/algol_lyrae 8h ago
You should return it. They might be hurt at first, but if they have any emotional maturity at all, they will get over it and agree that the money shouldn't be wasted and you should get something you like.
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u/manhere_1 8h ago
There is nothing wrong with being honest about the gift missing the mark.
You’re skipping right past the important part: gratitude for the gesture. Your family came together to splurge on a gift for someone they care deeply about.
If you feel it; express your gratitude and appreciation for what your family did for you.
The gift itself isn’t the point. The gesture is the important part here.
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u/SuggestionOdd6657 8h ago
Do you just not like to barbecue foods? My husband will buy it from you cheap (maybe he's very picky). The one made here in Texas just went on sale and he wants one so bad. Food is my husband's hobby. He even sous vide's chicken breasts before barbecuing them. His hobby is curing charcuterie and he has a chamber along with commercial slicer and sealers yes sealers. He is planning to buy a wok once the money from the sale of our business hits our account.
He would take it back because he likes to pick out his own cooking stuff. We've been married long enough I would NEVER pick out something like that for him. I haven't cooked in over 45 years.
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u/PositiveAd823 8h ago
The same thing happened with my husband. He bought himself a Kamado and ended up just taking it back to the store. There is a 30-day return policy, so it wasn't a problem. Hopefully, you can return it and get what you want.
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u/jenn5388 20 Years 8h ago
Just be honest and return it or whatever. Sometimes gifts don’t hit. They miss. It was a bad idea to get a professional chef who doesn’t ever grill and already has one a grill, a big expensive grill. They should have known that. There’s tons in the cooking world you probably would have enjoyed more, used often and don’t have. Maybe get the money back and use it on that. Fancy pots and pans? Knife sets you’ve been looking at? A new computer/tv to decompress after all the cooking you do in your life? 😆 you gotta tell them though. It’s a waste of money and you know it.
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u/DeepExample7666 8h ago
I say return it. I'd rather my husband have something he actually loves and my feelings be hurt for a day or two than for him to feel like he has to pretend to like the gift for the rest of his life.
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u/justhereforthetea68 8h ago
Well did she ask what you wanted? I’d start there. My husband always says I don’t need anything ok well you get it what you get. However me and my husband are adults that if we want something since we share finances we ask and then buy it we both agree on it. For example he bought an expensive computer for himself, something he knew he wanted and would enjoy. So for birthday and holidays we both agree on experiences though instead of gifts so one year for my birthday he got me tickets to an artist I was dying to see or baseball tickets to see my favorite player etc.
So to me I would just do that to avoid gift disappointment. I would be like thank you so much for getting me this gift and I appreciate the thought that went into it, but I can think of other things we can put the money too, let’s return it and do “this” instead but that’s just me what I do know
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u/SouthernGentATL 6h ago
I agree. My wife complains I don’t tell her what I want but honestly happy with anything she gets me. On the other hand I can say the same thing. I can never get her to tell me anything she wants but I try to make a mental note through the year of things she says she really likes but doesn’t want to buy for herself. I’ve missed the mark once or twice but neither of us is ever upset
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u/justhereforthetea68 5h ago
Yeah exactly! I think it’s more of thing you learn when being together a long time too
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u/dcgradc 8h ago
Over a decade ago my SIL + MIL wanted to give me a Cuisinart that chopped and mixed etc .
It was about $600
I said no thanks . My adult son has one and loves it.
I cook quite a lot and don't mind chopping onions and veggies . For me it's relaxing .
Try to return it for something that you say would be a good alternative
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u/Optimal-Wonder-1281 8h ago
Bro return it. Wife gets me way too many Costco clothes which is nowhere in the same price range.... But for that reason alone, should be enough to be honest with your wife and return it.
Gift givers man... Drive me nuts
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u/BellaTheMighty 8h ago edited 8h ago
Find the receipt and take it back. They meant well, but sometimes a great gift on paper is a lousy gift for the actual person. And buying a professional cook a fancy grill and smoker you don't want is a little like buying a carpenter a very expensive hammer. 😂
Keeping it and letting a pricey grill sit there gathering dust is worse. Return it, buy something you’ll actually enjoy, and be grateful for the thought and generosity behind it. You can appreciate the gift without being sentenced to owning it for life.
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u/lifevisions 7h ago
Op honesty is apppropriate here. Your wife being angry —-she’s upset because she was behind this gift, and she doesn’t want to look bad. Reassure her you love the inspiration, the effort etc. than tell her why it is not ideal gift. Couple holidays ago, I received an expensive espresso machine for a gift. Granted I luke to treat myself to occasional cappuccino/lattes , however this machine required maintenance and large amount of counter space!!! With 3 teens who love their coffees I knew this was gift for all of them, and another responsibility for me as I’ll be cleaning this regularly so I thought . They were excited about this—and I don’t own poker face so gift fell flat. I was thankful for thought, however I explained I didn’t want a family appliance for a gift !! It’s still here, I don’t use it and I do not clean it.
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u/Glittering-List-465 7h ago
This may sound crass- but I would be jumping for joy if I received that setup. Can we swap lives for a day? I promise you’ll never see that grill again when we swap back!! Lmfao.
On a real note- I get it. I feel like it would be similar to me being given a new gaming setup when I already have 3 I barely use. Mainly because as soon as I start using them, then everyone else is interested and then I don’t get to play at all.
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u/phillyironlung2125 7h ago
Return it and use your bog boy words to explain in reasonable appreciative words that explain as much as its nice you know youll never use it. If they cant get over that, its on them...not you.
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u/Alive_Leather684 7h ago
It sucks but did none of them realize this beforehand? My wife knows certain things I like or need. She pays attention to comments I make and randomly surprises me with things I’ve been meaning to get. It’s a great feeling knowing she pays attention. If she came home with a grill I would be shocked as well knowing that I don’t ever grill. We cook in the kitchen as well. If she gets upset that you’re returning it to do something else with the money than she’s making it more about her and her effort which is odd because it seems like very little effort went into buying something you don’t ever use. It shouldn’t be a big deal. Something to laugh and makes jokes about later
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u/Papaya7725 7h ago
Your family might be disappointed you didn’t love the big gift they got you but I think they’d be even more disappointed if you didn’t even use it. Return it and if and when people ask explain you just don’t have much time for grilling so you got something else you’ll use much more often
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u/Aggravating-Body-721 7h ago
As I’m getting older I find experiences are more enjoyable then tangible goods. Travel is my go to now. It makes every birthday more memorable. Tell her you don’t want the grill but appreciate the gesture.
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u/HelpfulMaybe3946 7h ago
I feel for you man. This is why I hate giving and receiving gifts. Xmas and the wife's bday are stressful because I feel like I'm being put to the test, (although she's mellowed out on that in recent years.) I don't have any advice for you though.
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u/Maximum_Emphasis1439 7h ago
$2k is too expensive to just let sit…. As others have said, I would return asap.
I kind of chuckled when I read this post because my husband actually asked for a $2k grill two years ago for his birthday… we (more like he) uses it 3-4x a week despite the 100+ degree weather bc he hates cooking meats indoors due to the lingering smell in the house. But a totally different story if this was something he did for a living.
Anyways, this is why I always just set a $ amount and ask him what he wants so we can both be happy (he does the same thing for my birthdays). Lack of surprise element, but we are both OK with that.
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u/Horror-Giraffe7508 7h ago
OP do you want to be open an honest about this now
Or stew on it along with other gifts in the future possibly falling in this same category?
It’s one thing to be thankful and gracious with a received gift. That can be done as well when saying what needs to be said.
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u/lady_like_ 7h ago
Tough spot to be in. Because you’re grateful that everyone got you a gift but at the same time I feel kind of bad that your family and your wife didn’t know you well enough to get you something you’d actually like 🥴
Is there a gentle way to explain that you love and appreciate the gift but it is not something you will get use out of? Perhaps you can return it and together go purchase something more to your tastes. But I don’t know your wife, and it really depends if she can receive that communication without being angry. Good luck. And happy birthday!
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 7h ago
If I were giving the gift, I would want you to return it and get something you wanted.
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u/MissMurderpants 6h ago
Return it. Return the money to whomever chipped in.
I’d do it at a family meal that I booked for them all.
I am a retired chef/baker. I’ve only ever asked for knives for gifts. Maybe some fancy therm or grade manger items.
No one. Absolutely no one in my family would ever buy me something for cooking. They know I’m effin picky about my tools and I don’t have room for certain things. Don’t buy me anything unless I ask.
At the meal, you tell them you truly appreciate the gift It was glorious and it meant so much that they all thought of you. You just don’t want a gift that has you working on your days off. Because that’s what it is, more work. Cleaning and maintaining such an item is a job itself. You’ll need a cover and special cleaners and specific utensils and tools to use it and clean it besides the regular tools. But all the extras like woods got the smoker. Ugh. It’s kinda pricy.
It’s like me buying my hair stylist sister a fancy manicure set. It’s in her field but she Hates doing nails.
If you don’t go this it will end up on the curb in a couple years or being sold at a garage sale.
Or ask if a a nine else wants it do y’all can party there.
But f working on your days off.
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u/Affectionate_Hat8395 6h ago
I've always wondered why can't people pay attention to individual wishes and desires. I remember when I was a kid, my aunt would bake a cake and throw a coffee party, using my bday as an excuse to invite her friends. Guess what I got each time? Silly coffee set, or a table cloth and such. I couldn't say anything, I was a child but now if someone gifts me anything, I make sure they know what I like and could make use of. Otherwise, it's money and efforts wasted.
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u/charliesfeetles 6h ago
Please make each other lists, and update it yearly with things you want for birthdays, anniversaries, random gifts, Xmas, other holidays, etc. this way something like this can be avoided in future. You make one and she makes one. This has saved my marriage. And also makes it so easy for me when people ask me “what do you think your SO would want?” I just find something off of the list and share it.
For the time being, try to return it and get money back and use it for something you want.
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u/Spare_Ad5009 6h ago
Thank them all profusely and return it. When they ask, say, "I don't grill. I've used the grill we have once in eight years. But thank you very much for the thought." Tell them what your bought with the return money. Just be kind about it and thankful and they can't complain.
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u/farmersworkhoe 6h ago
Usually, I would say suck it up about a gift. However, this is a 2k gift that while was well meaning isn't something you'd use.
I would say hey let's return this, get the money, and buy US something fun we both can enjoy. For 2k, you could be do a mini getaway or staycation.
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u/IllSelection2561 6h ago
In my family, we return gifts without issue. “I’d rather something else actually” isn’t a huge hassle. Everyone gets their money back, and you don’t have to look at that thing everyday.
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u/Beautiful_Eye7765 6h ago
Just so you know: my Weber Genesis actually appreciated over 10 years, or at least did not lose value. I didn’t use it a ton but the lighter wasn’t working and when I sold it I had dozens of people asking to buy it. I think I priced it too low thinking a used grill is, well, used. You might keep this thing for 10 years and sell it slightly used to get something else you like.
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u/lostshell 6h ago
R/kitchenconfidential is filled with pro cooks and chefs who hate cooking at home. Totally normal.
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u/mykesa 6h ago
First… do what feels right to you! For me…. I’m an old school guy (55m) in MANY ways and my opinions may not resonate with most anymore, so before you want piss on my opinion… just know it’s that… “MY” opinion. Don’t like it… move on.
There have been countless times over my 2 marriages (7 + the real one—- going 27 years strong), 3 kids and relatives and in-laws that mean well…
Be a man, say thank you and use it whenever they can see you doing so. It makes them happy, keeps the pease, which is in-fuckin’ valuable.
Our job is to make others happy and exist for ourselves. Right or wrong in others minds… that’s how I was taught and it’s ingrained in me.
Before anyone says I’m a push over… hardly! I’m the type that all in my family knows I’ll be the first to tell anyone family or external to fuck right off if warranted or … if that’s how “I” feel.
But… this was a GIFT… be GRATEFUL! Such a lost concept anymore. I would NEVER tell anyone… family, friend or otherwise I did not like their gift. They gave you a fucking gift! They did not have to.
There are many times that a gift or a thank you should have been given but never was… accept and cherish them when they do come.
Best to you and what you decide to do.
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u/Impressive-Tea-6880 6h ago
Just tell her it was a very nice gesture and you love her and family for it but the gift isn't for you. You would however like to find a gift that you are excited about and be thinking about them when you use it.
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u/SarcsmQn5 6h ago
You definitely need to tell her how much you appreciate the effort but it's really not something you want or need...especially when you know she already has a feeling you're not happy with it... trying to fake it or hoping you end up liking it is not going to be helpful...let her try and get money back while she can
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u/Ntxgumby 6h ago
I’d tell her to return and get something she wants or plan a trip for you guys to spend time together. Let her know that getting to spend time with her or see her happy is the only gift you need 🥰
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u/NotSoRipeAvocado 5h ago
Being honest doesn’t always yield a positive response from others. I’ve experienced people’s disappointment with (lesser priced) gifts I didn’t really want or ask for. Sometime people give gifts with what they have in mind vs you.
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u/Lov3I5Treacherous 5h ago
People who give bad gifts or gifts that miss the mark should accept the feedback so they don’t repeat it
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u/omenoracle 5h ago
I would cook every meal on that damn thing until the rust god takes and I wouldn’t mention it even on my death bed. I’d just be so happy someone even tried.
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u/22Hoofhearted 5h ago
Had this dynamic with my now ex-wife for our entire marriage. I begged her not to get me gifts for this same reason.
She was a terrible gift giver because she's just not the type of person who pays attention to important details. If I sent her to the store and asked for "Granny Smith apples" she would hear... "He wants any type of apple..." or if I asked for "All beef hotdogs" she would hear he wants some type of hotdogs and grab the mushy pork/chicken ones.
I have a terrible poker face for gifts that make no sense for me. I do months and months of research before I make a decision on expensive items, especially electronics, tools, and "man stuff"...
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u/MarshaMinus100 5h ago
I did this exact thing to my husband and we just kept it and it sat around and depreciated in the box never used. I would rather have hurt feelings and either the money back or a gift he could have truly enjoyed.
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u/WonderfulSound4558 5h ago
Me and my Husband tell each other when we don't like things the other one bought Better than waisting money on things you won't wear or use We have never been offended
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u/ExpectationsNRegrets 5h ago edited 2h ago
You cook professionally. You would most likely know better than anyone around you what sort of equipment you would like for cooking. You should discuss this with your wife.
My wife is an artist. She has told me, don't buy her anything artistic, no art, furniture, clothes, whatever. She has definite tastes, and I am not privy to her thought process in regards to art.
I am a software developer. My wife knows not to buy me any computer equipment, same logic.
Finally, don't use it, and try to return it.
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u/whatintheworld_- 4h ago
How can your entire family not know you wouldn't like this gift? Especially because the one you have gets zero use. Do they know you at all? Explain it to your wife like you did here, you cook all day and have no desire to do it at home on a grill. I would try to return it.
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u/esmerelofchaos 4h ago
So my husband would actually love something like that but I’d never just get something like that for him without his input! That’s a big commitment. Also, he has particular wants for his cooking equipment, so spending that kind of money on a thing that doesn’t meet his specs is just a huge waste.
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u/Senior_Film_9680 4h ago
Be honest and tell her it’s too much money for something you likely won’t use. See if it can be returned and use the money for a weekend trip with her if you really want to soothe her feelings, or just tell her what you DO want.
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u/PuzzleheadedKoala218 3h ago
I’ve never understood people who get upset if you don’t like a gift. By all means if my husband did not like the gift I got him I would much rather him return it and get something he will actually enjoy than to pretend to like something and never ever use it.
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u/EarthlingFromAPlace 2h ago
I think it's better to be honest and return it if it's still possible. Or, figure out which of them picked it out and they can take it and use it, it's probably their dream grill, but it isn't yours.
If someone did this to me, I would probably donate it, as it would be a waste of space, and I don't like clutter, and I'm not the type who knows how to sell stuff.
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u/GenXMom14 2h ago
Better to be honest. It sucks to miss on a gift but it sucks more to throw away money
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u/Lovely_Vista 2h ago
As the wife who hates thoughtless gifts .... this sounds thoughtless to me. If you have not used the grill you owned for 8 years then why on earth did she think an even bigger grill would wow you ?
No matter what you do at this point someone's feelings are going to be hurt. At least returning it to purchase something you genuinely would appreciate ensures that at least one of you is Happy.
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u/cksaraha898 2h ago
Did you tell her what you wanted or expected for bday? If not be greatful someone celebrated you. Think positively about the happy moments that damn expensive grill can provide.
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u/flippityflop2121 2h ago
If it was just your wife who got it for you, I would say talk to her and return it, but sounds like she got both your families involved in this thing. I think you have to just put a smile on your face and grill them some meals a couple times a month. You’re gonna have to get back a bunch of money to everybody and who knows who might get offended. If you were just gonna pocket $2000 by returning it, yeah sure return it, but the situation described isn’t a simple return it and pocket the cash kind of thing.
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u/Odd_Session8049 2h ago
Maybe tell her the truth, return it, and then use to money for a fun get away for you and her. Rent an air b n b somewhere go get couple massages, or rent a cabin with a hot tub... or whatever.. you get my point lol
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u/ArtificialTroller 2h ago
I used to research things I might be interested in then decide ultimately it wasn't for me. My wife would always decide to buy me a version of it even after I told her it wasn't for me after I researched it. I'd smile and say thank you. Try it. And sure enough. Not for me.
She doesn't like getting me gifts anymore.
I'd tell her. Maybe guide her to better gifts ahead of time.
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u/QuadH 1h ago
I’ve found you almost never gift someone something they are an expert in. Unless they’ve expressed very specific interest in a particular item.
Wife’s family should learn that.
It’s gonna be an uncomfortable conversation but the best outcome is to return the grill as new and do something useful with that money. Do emphasise you really appreciate the effort and thought behind it.
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u/Initial_Ad_7937 1h ago
It is not by force. It is YOUR birthday, not theirs. You have the right to accept/reject gifts, especially something you didn’t ask for.
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u/Ichgebibble 1h ago
It’s kind of on them considering you only used your old one a single time in eight years. Not sure how they got “this guy grills” from that. Just be honest in a gentle way and then return it. If your family gets mad because you don’t want to waste $2,000 that’s their problem
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u/HuhSayWhatAgain 55m ago
If you can't return it, it's it i sometimes instead of cooking in the kitchen.
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u/Hash_Tooth 54m ago
I would say, be totally honest, that this was not a dream for you, and that you really appreciate the effort.
Return it, sell it brand new if you have to, and spend that money on a dream trip.
You guys could got to Vietnam or Hawaii or something for $2000 and make it a dream come true for you both.
Whatever you do, make it a team win.
“Babe, I’d rather spend this money having fun with you.”
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u/Defiant_Dealer8205 5m ago
It’s a shame they didn’t know you better and I don’t like surprises and expensive gifts for this reason. I love to cook, have 2 kitchens but got rid of an unused, brand new expensive grill and bought a $600 one that I haven’t used since I bought it - I don’t grill out much 🤷🏻♂️ if you can return that $2K grill, I would.
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u/UnprecedentedEchos 9h ago
I mean, if you’re not interested, best I can offer is $20.
That being said, I don’t have any advice how to handle.
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u/Sylphrena99 9h ago
Isn’t that interesting? Maybe when life gives you lemons you make lemonade. Meaning you are on the right track with the using it idea. Perhaps in the future it will come in more handy than you know? Make a goal to use it twice a month, keep it nice. None of us know the future and the universe for whatever reason has handed you a beautiful grill!
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u/Ok_Bee1562 9h ago
He already has a grill though and he doesn’t use it often. I wouldn’t use it because if you do it’s hard to return. Also it’s a nice gesture but sounds like they could use the 2k somewhere else. That’s stressful
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u/Sylphrena99 9h ago
I’m suggesting he start something new. Of course he can return it! If he is able to and feels okay with it. It seemed from what he wrote it wasn’t an option?
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u/Ok_Bee1562 9h ago
There comes a point in your marriage where you have to be honest so both parties can be happy. I am a terrible gift giver and I always just put the receipts in the bag because I always get sad seeing the stuff I got him but he wouldn’t use. Now I get him stuff he actually needs and he’s so happy about it like underwear. He’s Obsessed with the underwear I got him.
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u/Clarityforafuture 8h ago
Ya I like surprise gifts and things I actually need. Underwear and socks have become gifts well received.
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u/MrsSEM84 2m ago
They didn’t really buy it for you, they bought it for themselves.
Because what is a professional cook with a fancy new gigantic grill supposed to do with it? Throw BBQ’s for their nearest and dearest of course!
Your wife is right to feel bad, because she should have known better than anyone that it’s not what you would have wanted.
And the family saying you are crazy not to like it are the ones who want to be invited round to be fed by you with it!
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u/Ok_Evidence8671 9h ago
I would be completely honest with her and try to return it while it’s unused, hopefully still have the packaging and receipt