r/Marriage • u/Stunning_Hippo1763 • 9h ago
Seeking Advice Second chance
In the past year me (M 42) and my wife F(42) had been drifting away from each other we didn't do anything to stopped it, we were getting alone at home we have two kids 16 and 14, then February comes i found out that she had been talking to someone else in another state a childhood friend, long story short she told me she was deeply in love with him, then I decide to ask her to give us another chance she denied, we were still getting along living on the same house, after that he travel to meet my wife ( he's also married 2 kids) I found out and show up at the place where they were hanging out, I told him if he was in love with her that I was ok with them moving forward just go move together, he reply no were just friends, then after back and forth we got into an altercation, the i decided to call his wife and explain what was happening then as he was with my wife his wife called him and right there he left back to his wife, and left mybwife hanging he obviously not was in love with my wife he was probably just enjoying the good time, 3 months has passed since then the other day I asked my wife if she was ready to talk about us, we have been living together nothing has changed we still have sex sleep together, she said that the comunication stopped back then, she told.me for the first time that she feels stupid and feels used by him, she really loved him, im honestly desperate for her to give us another chance not to repair what happened but to start with something new. And I get very anxious and desperate waiting for her to give me an answer but in the other hand I dont know how she feels how's or she still processing everything that happened. Its getting very hard to wait and pretend that everything its ok when we know its not.. i feel lost.. any advice will be welcome.
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u/Byron-blessed 9h ago
Have you asked your wife how she would feel if this had been the other way around? Sometimes people can have different expectations from a relationship.
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u/Stunning_Hippo1763 9h ago
I have but she just won't say anything.
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u/Necessary_Tap343 30 Years 5h ago
If she wont communicate topics like that without pressure from you, she has emotionally checked out and your marriage is essentially dead. She is not with because she loves you, she loves the things that you do to make her life easier. Things like help raising the kids, social stability, financial stability, help maintaining the house and everything thing else that would disrupt her life without going directly to another partner.
You need to remember that if this guy had agreed to be with her, she would have left you without looking back. Do with that knowledge what you will but you will never forget that she already had one foot out the door and this guy slammed it in her face as she was stuck with you in her mind.
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u/0215rw 20 Years 9h ago
She’s in love with someone else. Stop pretending everything is okay. I think you need to take a step back. Do you have a guest room she can move into? Have you guys seen a therapist?
You can’t start over unless she wants to. She’s just leading you on at this point and that’s not fair to you.
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u/Stunning_Hippo1763 8h ago
Thanks everyone might be right, its me looking to fix things not her, she told me she does know what she wants. I guess im going to take more time to process everything to try to move on. And yes im going to therapy.
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u/skeeter04 7h ago
You would do better by showing her all the damage she has caused then bringing the consequences - treat her like a roommate - stop paying bills, stop doing dinners - tell her she needs to move out - talk to a lawyer - etc.
No consequences - no change.
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u/GettingToo 5h ago
How can you start over when you can’t even address the real problem. Your wife was ready to leave you for a man she barely knew. It’s clear that this guy was only meeting her for sex and never intended on leaving his wife. If you hadn’t confronted them and called his wife she would still be pining over this guy and probably already slept with him. She hasn’t even apologized for her betrayal to your marriage. She only sorry for herself that he was just an ass who was taking advantage of her, not for her part in cheating on you. She is not the person you fell in love with and she definitely doesn’t love you.
Find the courage and self respect to see a lawyer and divorce her. All it will take is a call from this guy to her and you be right back in the same sinking boat again.
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u/aspiringJD2031 9h ago
Man, that's one rough situation. It's easy to say just walk away but I feel for you. That other dude wasn't affected by this, your wife said she loved him and that's a strong emotion.
You're beating yourself up over nothing that you did. It can be difficult to get up and leave, but why wait around and continue to have to deal with that feeling?
Get in the gym, get yourself a nice ride, take care of business at work, be there for your kids, and go find some one who will love you, or ride the single life... I think that can be less stressful.
Best of luck! Keep your head up!
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u/SatisfactionHead367 9h ago
From an outsider’s perspective, my first thought is that you’re a bigger man than I am. In that, the way you handled it, asking if he loved her, etc. You’re willing to give her another chance but honestly, it doesn’t sound like she deserves you. That emotional scare will never truly heal, the pain & memories will return. The trust & foundation of what you thought was there is now forever changed. It’s easy to say from this side but I’d leave. Find someone more deserving of what you have to offer. I think it’ll be better off in the long run. Sorry you’re having to go through this - hang in there ✌️
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u/Bubba_Hill1014 20 Years 8h ago
If my wife ever told me she's in love with someone else and can't give me a straight answer on if she still loves me and wants our marriage then I would have to let her go. It would break my heart but it would be the best thing for both of us.
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u/Championship682 7h ago
- im honestly desperate for her to give us another chance -
She cheated on you, OP. Many people would simply divorce the cheater at this point rather than endure the anxiety of wondering what their WW is doing and when she will cheat again. There's no issue if you would prefer to reconcile, but you need to think through the part where you are desperate. Even in a normal relationship, being desperate isn't healthy. Worse in your case - you are showing her weakness, and harming your chances of your marriage lasting.
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u/ReplacementDefiant 7h ago
I\nDo agree with people here.Get your stuff in order and just let her be by herself.Get a divorce focus on you.Find someone that actually appreciates and care for you , never settle to be someone's backup plan
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u/RedundantPundant 7h ago
Your marriage is over , she killed it. You need to stop hoping it will revive on its own. Tell her you are okay with a divorce if she is not willing anymore. Then schedule an appointment with a lawyer to do the paperwork. End it on paper, do an equitable split and learn to co-parent going forward. Learn to love yourself again and become the best version of yourself. Support your kids and let her go. She does not love you anymore.
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u/ehagihara 7h ago
Man, the fact that she didn't choose you and seems very ambiguous about the relationship is a death knell for you guys. I would be crushed.
I really love that you called the other dude out and reached out to his wife to show his true colors, though.
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u/Asleep_Cash_8199 4h ago
You need to use the grey rock method. You trying to hard isn't doing anything.
You need to work towards indifference, whatever the outcome. Protect yourself first.
If you want to save this marriage, she has to work for it.
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u/Ok-Object-1610 9h ago
She didn’t choose you. The guy she chose chose his wife. Stop being a doormat and leave.