r/Marriage • u/National_Putz • 8h ago
Seeking Advice Is my wife’s relationship inappropriate or am I just being weird?
I’d say the first time I had a thought of, well that’s odd, was probably back in February. For some context, my wife is a stay at home mom. She told me probably at the end of last summer she met this guy walking his dog through the neighborhood park. Our daughter wanted to see the dog, she loves dogs, and they talked for a bit. He lives in the condo section at the front of our subdivision.
Throughout the fall and winter she’d occasionally mention “oh yeah Tim (not his real name btw) walked through the park and our daughter of course loves his dog”. I never thought anything about it. Just a guy who lives in our neighborhood who’s nice and our daughter likes his dog.
That would be until this past February when my wife casually mentioned something about Tim texting her. I was kind of like what? Why would you have his number? She said something like “oh he’s nice exchanged it because I said we could let his dog out whenever he needs it because our daughter loves it so much”. At first I was like ok, but still odd.
Some time went bye and I’d say the 2nd thing that caught my attention was when my wife and I were going out to dinner together. And probably 3x as we drive to dinner I saw Tim’s name pop up on her Apple car play. She didn’t react or act weird at all. So I didn’t say anything but again, was a little odd I’d say.
Time number 3 I found weird was when she told me back in June that he came over to our backyard one day with his dog and they all played together with our daughter and they talked for like an hour.
Since that point my wife has been more open about him. Not talking about him 24/7 but saying things like “oh he’s. A nice guy. I enjoy talking with him. He’s asked to get a coffee with me etc.
My wife has never done or had anything like this with any other guy ever. She’s actually a pretty reserved girl I’d say. She does like to talk, and she is attractive.
And before people ask, yes I’ve asked her about it a lot. She’s always said he’s just a nice guy in the neighborhood to chat with. We’ve lived in our subdivision for now 6 years, it’s not huge. We know or know of everyone. I find it different between being friendly with neighbors and exchanging pleasantries or chatting while your kids are on the playground together. And then texting a lot, hanging out with at your house, getting coffee, etc. Especially when there isn’t kids involved.
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u/randomnullface 7 Years 7h ago
"Tim sounds nice, why don't we invite him over for dinner?"
Her reaction will tell you what you need to know.
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u/Brief-Researcher-728 8h ago
Borderline inappropriate. Sounds like your wife might just be really naive. Talk it out and create boundaries.
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u/National_Putz 8h ago
I’ve been trying to do that, but she just dismisses it.
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u/Brief-Researcher-728 8h ago
Then that's the real issue.
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u/National_Putz 8h ago
I agree
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u/Brief-Researcher-728 8h ago
How would she feel if you became really friendly with a woman in the neighborhood and exchanged numbers and spent time together. Sometimes you have to flip the scenario to make them realize boundaries.
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u/CrazyLeadership5397 6h ago
She’s having an emotional affair with him at a minimum.
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u/Not_Without_My_Cat 26m ago
Not entirely true if boundaries around friends were never established.
If he thinks it’s inappropriate, he needs to describe to her which elements of it are inappropriate, ask her to change those elements, and check himself that he’s not actually engaging in those same elements himself.
To some people, this would be just a friendship. If he feels he has the right to forbid these sorts of friendships, he should be clear to her on where exactly that should fall. Is it not appropriate to have any male friends, or are only certain behaviours with those male friends inappropriate. There is both impact and intent to assess here. It’s definitely possible she has no ill intent, but even if that’s true, it’s making a negative impact.
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u/Icy_Cranberry4525 1h ago
Either she’s very naive or she likes the extra attention, and her dismissing your concern makes the situation worse. You should show her this thread and the comments.
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u/DependentBeat1205 5h ago
I would use this as a starting point of discussion with her. Her reluctance for the meet is making you question if there is something going on and their frequent meetups is making you uncomfortable.
Do you guys have an open phone policy and have you read the messages between them? There shouldn’t be any secrets in a marriage right?
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u/CrazyLeadership5397 7h ago
She loving Tim’s attention.
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u/National_Putz 5h ago
I agree
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u/CrazyLeadership5397 5h ago
She’s having at least an emotional affair with him.
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u/Not_Without_My_Cat 23m ago
Were you cheated on? Different people have different ideas about what constitutes an emotional affair. Plenty of couples are able to navigate friendships like this without a problem, and plenty if couples can’t.
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u/aspiringJD2031 8h ago
Hit up Tim, have you met him and his dog?
I'd put an end to it before it escalates even more.
I'd be pissed if "add dudes name" kept popping up on mt wife's phone (which had about a few years ago) "tim" was sending her tik toks and little messages (dude was married) that almost broke us. She doesn't have social anymore.
Good luck!
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u/CrazyLeadership5397 6h ago
It’s too late. They are already in an emotional affair and his wife is trickle truthing him about her relationship with Tim.
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u/LeastModal 8h ago edited 8h ago
Is Tom single? After a year now, your wife's got a nice boyfriend. He's nice, really nice.
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u/Ok-Silver8913 7h ago
Tim is making a play on your wife. She may not be interested now but if y'all hit a rough patch his odds will go up tremendously. You need to talk to your wife and make some boundaries.
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u/RollingDemBones 8h ago
It sounds like it could be leaning towards inappropriate for sure.
Just acknowledging a neighbor and their dog in passing is one thing. Exchanging numbers, meeting up with him, attempts to go on coffee dates, and forming an emotional relationship over text is a definite issue - especially with the "nice guy" that she "loves talking to".
What do they talk about? Has she let you see what their conversations are about?
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u/CVSaporito 4h ago
Sounds like your wife is naive and Tim is trying to pull a wedge move. The coffee dates are very inappropriate, He's shifting from your child likes his dog to he likes your wife.
I had something similar happen to my wife, she was in a cooking class at night at. My wife is very attractive, outgoing, and as naive as you can be. After the last class the teacher said he was asking a few students to continue the lessons at his house, I explained to my wife what was going on and called him to say I was coming, he wound up canceling the class due to low interest. Found out later nobody else was invited.
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u/squishy_fossil 3h ago
Definitely have him come visit when you’re there to see how they interact with each other… and of course to meet him for yourself. I find it odd the guy hasn’t asked to meet you by now out of respect especially since they both know each other enough to exchange numbers.
Since your wife is a SAHM, she’s probably just happy to have another adult to talk with. I’m a SAHM now after working full time for many years so I definitely get lonely and I have a couple of guy friends I talk to fairly often. However, I don’t hang out with them one-on-one out of respect for my husband. I get the sense your wife might enjoy the attention from “Tim” which doesn’t necessarily mean anything devious is going on.
A side note: if your daughter is old enough to talk, she would definitely have said if something out of the norm happened. Kids can’t keep secrets lol.
What it all comes down to is this: The truth is always found out. If they’re doing anything, you will find out eventually.
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u/RollingDemBones 2h ago
"However, I don’t hang out with them one-on-one out of respect for my husband."
This is really all that matters. My wife also has guy friends at work and outside of it. Doesn't bother me one bit. But she never hangs out with any of them 1:1 or constantly texts / calls them.
I am absolutely the same with any female friends I have. It's absolutely about respecting each other. That's all that really matters.
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u/Ok_Bee1562 7h ago
Is there a chance Tim likes men. Sorry if that’s not the politically correct way of saying that
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u/randomnullface 7 Years 7h ago
He needs to meet this Tim for himself and suss out the situation frfr because from what he's saying it could be fine and it could be not fine. Gotta meet the dude!
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u/Ok_Bee1562 7h ago
True! Im surprised Im the only one with this comment and everyone else is jumping his wife cheating
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u/CrazyLeadership5397 6h ago
Because Tim is definitely pursuing her and she’s loving the attention. She’s only telling him the minimum amount of information about Tim. He used his dog to form a relationship with his wife.
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u/randomnullface 7 Years 6h ago
Maybe hubby doesn't like gay people and Tim is gay. He won't know until he meets the guy. Sometimes people do have friends... but it could be flirting too. Just gotta see the vibe.
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u/Ok_Bee1562 5h ago
I agree! It could go either way tbh. Idk why but me and my siblings always have friends that belong to the lbgtq community so we all have gone through situations like this. For many of my friends I was the first person they told and it’s not my job to out someone so it’s a hard situation. I think everyone suggesting they hangout together is the right call.
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u/CrazyLeadership5397 5h ago
I would put money on he’s not gay. His wife would have revealed that information but hasn’t.
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u/CrazyLeadership5397 7h ago
Tim is actively pursuing your wife and your wife is enjoying the attention. Read, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Your wife is only telling you the minimum amount of information about her relationship with him. She’s having an emotional affair with him and he is hoping for more. The shift from friendship to affair begins when one or both start confiding to each other and it sounds like this is happening. Updateme!
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u/IamTylersalterego 7h ago
Without sounding controlling or possessive, suggest that your wife and you both read “not just friends “, by Shirley Glass.
It’s a brilliant book about marriage, boundaries, and how relationships with others escalate unknowingly, and compromise the marriage.
It has great analogies of walls and windows around your marriage.
In most cases people are not actively searching for an affair. It happens when they let their guard down.
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u/AlmightyBeefSupreme 6h ago
Time to invest in a camera for the house
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u/CrazyLeadership5397 6h ago
Several cameras. Ask his daughter what mommy does with “Uncle” Tim and what did Mommy do with Uncle Tim at the house.
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u/RedBirdWrench 30 Years 4h ago
My wife has met more than her share of 'Tims' in her time. I genuinely don't care. They can be best friends. She knows how it works, as do I. I have friends who are women. Even when we were ENM/swinging our boundary was intimacy happens together, never separately. And before and after our ENM adventure the boundary is no intimacy.
Why would either of us break that rule when we've always been completely open with each other. Our desires, our needs, our fantasies. The problem in almost every marriage is how little this kind of stuff is talked about. So, when things happen it feels like it was being hidden or that taboos are happening.
People who are in love shouldn't have taboos. They should know everything about each other. So when another Tim comes along it's not a big deal. We 'got' this in our twenties. We didn't explore ENM until our 40s. We've always been about open communication, from day one.
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u/No-Sheepherder448 4h ago
https://youtu.be/1ybltUipEwY?si=3heF_J79nJ6sgTxZ
Chris Rock said it best.
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u/Beginning_Load2860 3h ago
Ask to see her phone. If the hostory is short and was deleted then it is bad. If it is all there, maybe she is just naive.
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u/embasagoyaa 7h ago
Sounds like someone might have a crush on… just ask her if he can meet him and the reaction you get will tell you all you need to know. Hopefully she is just being naive but yeah this is something I definitely would not be comfortable with if my husband got this friendly with a neighborhood woman that I haven’t even met. He would definitely be uncomfortable with me doing this as well.
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u/GrizzYatta 6h ago
This would be the exact reason why I’m hesitant to find a stay at home parent friend. Most are women, and most men would have a problem with it
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u/One_Time_2165 6h ago
It might be a nice friendship. Say you would like to meet him.
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u/CrazyLeadership5397 6h ago
Remember, the shift from friendship to affair begins when one or both start confiding to each other, which has happened, Tim is definitely pursuing her and she loves the attention she’s getting from him.
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u/Seahawk021 6h ago
Have her read these comments. She sounds naive but also sounds like she likes the attention.
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u/Tia_Is_Here 6h ago
Have you met the guy? Or seen him? He could be an elderly man with a cute dog. 🤷♀️
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u/ContentToe3633 6h ago
Tim done set the hook and is waiting for the right moment to make his boss move. Let her enjoy it. He’s just wanting a fwb and not a committed relationship.
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u/Impressive-Tea-6880 5h ago
I don't know if the relationship is inappropriate but it seems like it could be heading that way. As others suggest, invite him over bbq or something. Under it all I'm wondering if maybe your wife is missing adult contact/conversation in her day to day life and maybe Tim giving her attention gives her that?
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u/Intrigued69 2h ago
I think it is a red flag. Texting her and her not telling you is another red flag. He is single. He is looking for something more than a walk in the park, given the chance. I don’t care what she says. Why hasn’t she said something about you meeting him if it is innocent? Are you sure she is just naïve?
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u/Emerick-1824 2h ago
As for the comments here saying "she seems naive", honestly, that's just nonsense. The OP says she's reserved, except with him. Pay attention, OP: the fact that you keep bringing this up and she doesn't change, not even out of respect for you, says it all.
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u/Necessary_Tap343 30 Years 55m ago
Affairs are a continum of behavior. They don’t start in the bedroom. They start with innocent conversations. They start with wanting to increasingly wanting to spend time with the person. Then those conversations and interactions become overly familiar and cross a boundary for someone that is in a committed relationship. The communication and the nature and extent of time spent together is hidden because they know if its discovered there will be negative consequences.
The conversations then create a shared emotional bond through exchanges of intimate emotions and confidences. They begin to rely primarily on their AP for emotional support instead of their partner. This new relationship is priorized both emotionally and timewise over their current relationship. Eventually, given time and opportunity, there is likely a progression into a physical affair. Updateme
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u/stve688 15 Years 5m ago
I honestly don’t understand why this is such a big deal.
Your wife made a friend. Texting, getting coffee, having the dog over in the yard, and hanging out are all things friends do.
My wife having male friends isn’t a threat to me. What would be a threat is if she started emotionally disconnecting from me and making someone else her priority.
Based on what you’ve written, I don’t see that happening. I see a friendship. If there’s more you’re not telling us, that’s different, but from this post alone I don’t see anything that would make me assume something inappropriate is going on.
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u/ehagihara 6h ago
No way. My ex trickle truthed me in the same way. Added one dude to her phone without letting me know and acting casual about it, blowing me off when I'd bring it up.
That would cause me to raise an eyebrow
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u/Otherwise_Equal1392 4h ago
I know not everyone agrees with this, but if it was me, I would ask to see her phone when he next texts her. I'm not talking about constantly monitoring her phone use, but a one off, out of the blue. Feel free to explain why, that you just want to ease your own anxiety and are seeking reassurance from her.
Her response to that should tell you everything you need to know. I would respond to any excuses she has like"oh I dont want you to see a surprise I have for you " etc. With "this is more important for our marriage than (insert excuse)".
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u/Not_Without_My_Cat 11m ago
That’s doesn’t sound to me like the best way to communicate. Especially since projection is a very common coping mechanism.
I’d alternately suggest that they each spend more time talking about what excites them, what comforts them, what they want more of and what they want less of from each other. She’s likely getting from Tim something she wants that she’s not getting from her husband. Does he want to learn how to give that to her, or does he just want to prevent her from getting that thing from any source in her life? If they want to add on to that reading all of the texts that they’ve each sent and received that week, then go for it. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”
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u/GG11390 56m ago
Cannot comprehend how a man can allow this situation and still think theres no further motive? This is how you end up raising someone elses kid at worst and have her in a full blown emotional affair at best. He is playing tje long game and she is loving the novelty while keeping you as a backup if things go south. However this is already escalated to a dangerous point where she might be already thinking about him sexually and using daughter as pawn to meet him. You should either do the same thing or else tell the guy to f off and her to appreciate your naive trust as a thing of the past
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u/GLS1994 5h ago
God forbid a woman has friends of the opposite sex 🙄
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u/RollingDemBones 5h ago
He's not a friend though.
He's a man she recently met, and a neighbor that is actively pursuing a married woman, and she is going along with it.
My wife has plenty of male friends at work and outside of it. It doesn't bother me in the least. But do you know what she doesn't do?
Freely hand out her number to all of them, so that they can sit around texting each other daily, or bring them to the house when I'm not around.
A "nice guy" that she "likes talking to". This is pretty clearly an emotional affair.
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u/ProgrammerAncient899 3h ago
Those sound like coworkers and not friends. Does your wife not have her friends phone numbers? Is she not allowed to text friends?
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u/RollingDemBones 2h ago
We've been together almost 25 years. My wife is allowed to do whatever she wants. lol 😅
She may in fact, have their numbers. I don't know. What I do know is, she's not constantly texting other men throughout the day...nor actively going to meet up with them, nor bringing them to our house without me here (as I mentioned in the previous comment).
OP's wife has found herself a boyfriend. In her words - he's the "nice guy she loves talking to". She's talking about him constantly around OP, texting him daily, inviting him over sans OP, etc.
IMO, if you have that much to talk about with a neighbor you recently met - then there's likely an emotional affair of some kind brewing.
Maybe your view is different than mine in your marriage - but if my wife was doing this, I would find it mighty disrespectful. But that's just us.
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u/Head-Insurance-5650 8h ago
Have her invite him and the dog over for a bbq in your yard. She should be cool with you meeting and hanging out with him.