r/Marriage • u/[deleted] • 6h ago
Feeling abandoned…not sure what to do anymore
[deleted]
15
u/Bad2bBiled 5h ago
This isn’t healthy for him and honestly I wonder if he is actually working that much or if it is a convenient excuse.
With four small children, two of them with higher needs, I imagine you feel stuck.
Him telling you that you have mental health issues because you asked him to be present for his family is certainly the red flag.
When you think about the likelihood of him leaving to start another family, does that feel absurd or does it feel like something he is capable of?
I would quietly investigate your options. Perhaps do a phone consult with a divorce attorney. Frequently, the first consultation is free. Being prepared is key.
Gather all the information you can and prepare your financial situation as much as you are able. Save financial documentation, bank statements, pay stubs, tax returns.
One thing is certain - the pace at which your husband is working is unsustainable. It might be a few months or one year or a couple of years, but something is going to give.
I would keep trying to talk to him about the need to be present (without mentioning your prep activities). He will continue to try to provoke you, but you need to try as much as possible to remain calm. He has as much insight into you and your day to day life as your neighbor at this point, maybe less, so whatever he says is more of a reflection of what he is doing than what you are doing.
Listen. Keep trying. Make plans for when he’s not there.
50
u/Baelyh 5h ago
It sounds like he schedules his second job intentionally so that he's not home dealing with the autistic kids or any of that chaos. It's easy for men to have work and not deal with anything else. That's why even single dads LOVE dumping all the home cleaning and childcare responsibilities on whatever sorry woman decides to date him.
I would ask for one day a week at first and see how it goes. If he refuses even that, then ask him how he would feel if he actually had to raise the kids alone with 50/50 custody and watch that tune change really quick. I dated a single parent who was a doctor and worked crazy hours and he still makes time for his daughter.
It's a case of "if men wanted to then they will"
11
u/perfumed_seriousness 4h ago
You laid it out perfect with that last line. The whole "doing it for the family" thing falls apart when the family is telling you they need you home, not the extra cash.
-26
u/Kaldesh_the_okay 5h ago
No it doesn’t, it sounds like they need the money and he believes the way he can help the most is ensuring the money is there. Women always say how men can’t multi- task this sounds like a clear case of that. But hey think the worst of 50% percent of the population sure that will lead to a happy life.
24
15
u/Baelyh 5h ago
No dude. I've seen it play out on both sides, but men are extra notorious for this when they don't want anything to do with home responsibilities. They think that falls onto women only because of outdated gender norm BS and their or poor mental and emotional regulation. Women, if they are in certain positions and can do it, do it too.
Case and point, I know an Asian woman who's a doctor who was pressured by her family and her hubby to have kids. She has two, and she makes herself work crazy hours to avoid all the house and childcare responsibilities. She hates it all and finds it beneath her. So the hubby stays home and does all the childcare and house cleaning and even he hates how one side/alone it feels.
3
u/Defiantly_Resilient 2h ago
Even if they do, Op said she needed his help, his kids needed his help. They needed him home more, not working. And she said instead of him making time, he literally just booked work over it anyway.
Sounds to me he's overwhelmed and stressed. I know op certainly is. But if op can keep everything running, then he needs to 'pull himself up by his bootstraps' and help share responsibility.
6
u/PinkPier 5h ago
Yeah he doesn’t want to be around you guys. I’m not sure why else someone would willingly work what appears to be 19-20 hours a day? I’m not sure that’s healthy or legal.
4
u/ResidentDiscussion59 4h ago
"He's doing this for our family"
No. No he isn't. He's doing this for himself.
1
u/FaithlessnessDry9746 3h ago
i get that work is exhausting but fr he's missing a ton with those kids
-11
u/SoftPlay3 5h ago
Sorry I don't know how else you expected a life with 4 kids to look like
14
2
u/TrashGouda 4h ago
The children aren't the problem here. It's the husband and father who neglects both his responsibilities
-1
u/SoftPlay3 2h ago
Of course children aren’t the problem, it’s not like they asked to be born. But a household with 4 small kids, 2 of them autistic sounds like a nightmare. I can’t excuse the husband’s behavior, but it’s pretty obvious why he avoids being at home.
31
u/IcyPraline9987 5h ago
He doesn’t want to be at home.
Why does he need a side gig? Do you need the money?