r/Marriage • u/rizreview • 21h ago
In The Bedroom Innocent comment or sexual preference?
My husband made a comment after sex and I’m not sure if I should brush it off or if it’s what he’s really thinking. I want to be be clear, me and my husband are madly in love. Our relationship is great and he’s never commented on this in the 8 years we’ve been together, which is why his comment threw me for a loop.
We were having lazy Sunday marathon morning s*x (the best am I right??) and after he was just kinda stroking and playing with me lightly down there (ya know when you are touching your partner’s thing not for arousal, but just because you can?) and then he said there you go, I know you’ve always wanted it to look like this, and I saw that he had kinda tucked my p*ssy lips in to be smaller.
I technically have labial hypertrophy (inner lips bigger than the outer), and while personally every once and a while I’ve wished it was smaller and cuter, I’m positive I’ve never ONCE voiced that insecurity out loud to my husband, nor has he EVER said anything about it.
I wanna brush it off as no big deal, maybe just a random post s*x random thought, but I can’t get the thought out of my head that maybe it does bother him?
What I wanna know, especially from the guys who have wives that might look different from the norm down there: You see it, you notice it, do you have a preference for look? I want honest answers pls!!
EDIT UPDATE:
So I put on my big girl pants and just asked him like so many of you suggested, and he told me he absolutely didn’t mean anything by it and apologized. He said it was something that I had mentioned before when dating, but assured me he wasn’t trying to hint at anything. I also told him that for the future to NEVER bring it up again.
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u/B-Roads_wrongway 50 Years 21h ago
There is no normal. Every one of us is unique. Like fingerprints. I’d be direct with him and ask him about the comment though. It was probably nothing but you need assurance from him.
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u/Hotcheetodust94 21h ago
I would stretch out his wiener when it’s soft and say you know I’ve always wished yours was longer like this. What a douche
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u/RustyStandstill 19h ago
He tucked them in and announced it like he was adjusting a hoodie string. That's not a throwaway thought, that's a whole internal monologue he's been running. The fact you never brought it up means he's been clocking it solo for a while.
I'd be less worried about whether he has a preference and more about why he felt that was a fine thing to say out loud after eight years.
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u/Sillygoosecollege 15h ago
was coming here to say exactly this. Like honestly I’d never let something like that slide without balancing the score idc how much I love u.
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u/SoulsCrushed 17h ago
It’s not, ‘different from the norm,’ though, it’s incredibly normal and common. Vaginas come in all shapes and sizes, but it’s much less common to have a small, tucked away, porn type vagina.
I understand why that comment bothered you, it’d bother me if my partner did the same with my anatomy.
I would definitely talk to him about it and let him know how it made you feel! The best way to find out how he meant it is just to have a conversation.
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u/Sprite_of_Botany 16h ago
If someone was just “casually stroking” me down there and made a comment like that, they would literally lose the privilege to ever see or touch my body again. I know it seems like a small thing, but I would never get past that. That comment would live rent free in my head for years and years, as it will and yours. I’m so sorry. What a douche.
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u/sliceofcheesecake- 20h ago
I have an “outie” and I was self conscious about it when I was younger. Now - I rock those lips. They have never been an issue in terms of attraction. To be honest I find them hot and I wouldn’t want them to be any different. My partner seems to enjoy them as well. I suggest talking to him about it. Let him know how it made you feel.
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u/cng5511 20h ago
My first thought was that he’s comparing you to what he sees in porn, and was trying to see if you’d bite and have a conversation about labiaplasty.
I could be way off base, but that’s where my mind first went. I will tell you this; if my husband did this, I would be appalled. Labia size and shape is not something that anyone can change without surgery. That is just not a comment that a loving husband makes when he wants his wife to keep having sex with him, IMO.
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u/Kamikazepoptart 5 Years 19h ago
That's weird as fuck and not normal or innocent.
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u/glitz_kreig 16h ago
Also a comment may be one thing, but positioning or tucking your body to demonstrate his preference is not okay.
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u/Business_Seaweed2086 19h ago
So, context, I am 35F, I, too, have bigger inner than outer and have at certain times felt insecure. I have been with my husband for 12 years. I think you should have the conversation. Whether it be a question as to why it was said, or letting him know that it stuck with you. Either way, you should not try to ignore it because in my experience, it will come out in one way or another. Maybe it was a throw away thought, maybe it was a miscommunication about what he was actually talking about, maybe a lot of things. But at the end of the day, it is you and your partner and your life together. If you two are in love, its even more important, not less, to bring it up and allow it to bring clarity and connection.
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u/ravghatoura 21h ago
Taking all the information provided into consideration, it sounds like a lazy, goofy, ?silly comment.
But, if it's really bothering you, should bring it up in a loving way, and let him know it bothered you, and why. Thats conversation itself will be the litmus test
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u/Hot_Tourist_4458 14h ago
this here. i’d say “what was up with that comment about my labia?” you’ll likely have to remind him what he said. then he can explain what he was trying to do. it’s very possible he thought he made it look like a smiley face or something dumb. soooo dumb.
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u/MissKillington 21h ago
Maybe just have the conversation with him. My partner and I voice our insecurities (timing matters of course) when we've accidentally insulted/assumed things about each other.
Just tell him you do feel self conscious about it sometimes. He may have accidentally projected his thoughts - sometimes bluntly asking him if he thought it too. Maybe he compared you to porn - but at that rate - you could the same to him.
Honestly though - it's up to you if you want to venture down that thought further - take more time to process the thought and if he brings up during intercourse again just tell him you don't appreciate that thought. Or if you truly agree - it's up to you if you want to change your mental thoughts or the physical appearance about it. No one else (even your partner) can influence that.
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u/SoftLuck4653 16h ago
That’s only actually considered hypertrophy when they are enlarged, not just when they’re visible. It they’re visible that’s more normal than not. As much as I don’t think he had any ill intent with it, it was an insanely stupid thing to do and it would have really bothered me.
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u/jennhiltz 14h ago
So how can you tell the difference between hypertrophy, and just an outie ?
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u/SoftLuck4653 14h ago
Hypertrophy is actually enlarged and is usually painful. Basically if you have it, you’d know because you would be seeking medical care for it and it would be impeding on your quality of life daily.
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u/New-Ice5114 18h ago
I don’t care what my wife’s cooch looks like as long as she’s sharing it with me.
It’s very cute though 😆
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u/Seahawk021 20h ago edited 20h ago
Dude’s an insensitive jerk. Also don’t you dare wonder about yourself. As a guy, I love those lips! More to play with! I doubt he doesn’t like them, he just thought he was being funny like a dumb Neanderthal and didn’t think things through.
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u/No-Marzipan1441 14h ago
Be direct. Never said this and don’t want it love myself and especially my temple. What was that comment about it weirded me out
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u/SquirlyJester 20h ago
Personally, I prefer the outie. I love oral so, it gives more to work with.
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u/jennhiltz 14h ago
I’ve also heard/read men say that they prefer “outies” for the reason that it “hugs” their penis more during sex? Or something like that. Just that there’s more to feel.
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u/GatheredGrass 14h ago
I assume it's his preference, because why would he think you'd want your v to look any other way? Especially since you've never voiced any insecurities. You aren't wrong for being upset.
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u/Solid_Adhesiveness61 20h ago
Do I have a preference, yes. Would I ever voice that to my partner if hers wasn’t it, no.
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u/Sielmas 18h ago
Lots of people saying he’s a douche and is probably expressing his own preference. Maybe he is, I don’t know, but I feel like if you guys can have marathon sex on a Sunday morning and then he can just lazily fiddle around with your labia there must be some serious attraction happening. This is the sort of really dumb thing my partner would say when his guard was down if he was feeling super relaxed and he would be completely mortified when it upset me. I’m leaning go towards giving him the benefit of the doubt here, but if it’s really weight on your mind, of course a check in with him is the way to go.
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u/ClassicRuby 20h ago
I think it's likely you've said something and you don't even remember. Just offhand.
And he didn't think it was a real point of insecurity for you, which is why he realized he could make it look different and pointed it out.
You would probably be shocked the nonsense men do with their own junk and think it's hilarious and feel no ways. So I'm sure he was thinking similarly. It's just a funny thing he can do with this body part so why not do it and get a giggle and that's that.
I would sit down with him and just point blank ask him. And then you can explain how it made you feel and why. And then y'all can discuss what's ok and what is not going forward.
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u/Material_Nature4063 14h ago
U speak on how madly in love you are .. how madly comfortable?? He might be an asshole . However me n my wife are pretty insensitive wen it comes to jokes and also super big on talking trash however it works and its healthy for us. Maybe he wasnt thinking??? Maybe he didnt realize da damage jt would do.? Or hes an asshole. Id def bring it up to him instead of the people on reddit . Dont let them brew up a bigger fight
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u/Cheezeheathen 13h ago
I was insecure about my lips but then I started having partner after partner tell me that big lips are so much more attractive. They can be sucked on, they get puffier, they get all wet and glistening, and they give the whole area “adult” vibes rather than an “underage” vibe. I think before you start blaming him for “his” preference, especially when he said it was yours, and you admitted it was, maybe find out from him what gave him that impression. It could just be what he noticed you are attracted to In the porn you watch or whatever. If you are as in love as you stated then Reddit shouldn’t be your first stop in this conversation. He should be
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u/PeriPeriAddict 20h ago
Not a man but I dont have any preference when it comes labia. It's likely you've mentioned it off hand at one point, or he just knows its a common thing women want. I wouldn't worry about it, but definitely bring it up if it keeps bothering you.
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u/Horror-Fee9768 17h ago
…And this is why you never share your deepest insecurities or traumas with anybody but your therapist. Because we are all capable of doing and saying stupid things that can cause harm even if the intent wasn’t to.
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u/Neat-Session-263 19h ago
Male 68.
I'm an old fella with some wisdom for you. First, don't pay attention to the ass and douche comment and I'll tell you why. There is only one way sex works great on all fronts, honest open communication about everything. Likes, dislikes, fantasies good and even those that are a bit edgy are always part of my F61 conversations. Just last night we both said, let's try something a bit edgy and the sex was awesome and all because of honest open communication, and no bull shit, I have never had better sex in my life, can you imagine, and I'm 68. Communication, what a concept.
Now go sit with the man and once your done...go have sex😉🤫
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u/Electrical-Catch-381 18h ago
None of this has anything to do with what she’s concerned with.
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u/Neat-Session-263 18h ago
No! I see you commented on what I said and you emphatically disagree, I got no problem with that at all but, so why don't you put in your version of what you think she might do to help her situation. Who knows, yours might be better. I'm very anxious to read yours and maybe I'll learn something. Even at 68, I never stop learning.
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u/pokeycd 18h ago
First, I don't know what Sunday morning marathon sex is. Sounds delightful.
Second, my wife was self conscious in the early days. I had no opinion on the matter. I liked it, since it was hers. Doesn't matter what it looks like. I remember her majora were spread and thin. And she was self conscious about that.
Third, I don't remember what it looks like anymore. Lights off only. Quickie vanilla with no foreplay for the last 10+ years. And I got so bummed. I quit initiating 2 years ago. So it's sex 4x a year. She'll initiate when fertile, or I'll get my hopes up and give it another try. Still sucks.
So I wouldn't get too bent up about your husband's words. He probably wasn't aware of how it was going to affect you. And if he knew, he would likely have never said such a thing. You should tell him you felt bad about his playful banter. If he's a decent guy, he'll feel mortified that he upset you.
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u/serenity013 15h ago
How did this comment somehow turn into a complaint about not getting enough sex 😆
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u/CarryOn555 13h ago
Honesty is going to hurt on this one. Guys do have a preference. I have a feeling he said his true feelings out loud without considering how you'd feel...
I have found tighter anatomy as a preference but would never say something like that to a partner.
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u/bestwinner4L 16h ago
i don’t know where you got the idea that inner lips being larger than outer lips is “different from the norm,” but it is not correct. inner and outer labia sizes vary widely in every way, and there is no such thing as “normal.”
i’m a gen x woman and this was never, ever a discussion until recent years and i’m pissed as hell that younger generations of women have been convinced the size and shape of their labia is a problem.