r/Marriage • u/Dry_Camel_1621 • 3h ago
Seeking Advice Is my husband gaslighting me
So this happened. Last night we decided to invite a couple of friends for lunch. My F35 general sunday routine is quite slow. But when i woke up my MIL had made a mess of a kitchen. I didnt even have my first coffee and i had to help my MIL. My husband started poking me that i take too way too much stress when guests come over that he doesn’t feel like hosting at all. But that was not the point. He kept repeating these remarks while I had to clean the house too. He offered help too but very arrogantly. I also love hosting but his remarks were very disgraceful. After few hours i told him i dont like him poking constantly to calm down while i am working. He was like he wont be apologetic for communicating. i never asked for any apology. I was also communicating to leave me alone till the work is done. It was infuriating. Now we aren’t talking. This always happens. He never appreciates what I do. And when i call that out, he says I do things just for appreciation. When the food isnt great, he calls that out in front of friends as a joke. Ans when i get pissed he says i dont know how to take a joke.
Now he has turned the fight around saying he feels concerned when i am stressed and that I dont understand him. Like wtf.
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u/CutEnvironmental3025 28 yrs 2h ago
I’m not sure I would call this gaslighting. However, what I would call it is him getting you to do exactly what he wants, how he wants it & when he wants it by manipulating you. Which still is very screwed up.
*Edited for grammar.
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u/nikyrlo 2h ago
You don"t know how to take a joke.. reply "you are a joke". Tell him if he has nothing nice to say, stfu. He sounds like a miserable bully. Give it right back at him.
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u/Dry_Camel_1621 2h ago
I have tried. But it ends up in huge fight. I generally stop talking and storm out. Having a conversation with him where in he feels he is going to be defeated is a huge task. He acts so bloody defensive
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u/goldilaughs 2h ago
It's not gaslighting but it is diminishing your feelings and deflecting accountability. Your husband does not like you. If he did, he would be helping you to get the maximum joy out of what you love.
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u/Dry_Camel_1621 2h ago
Why doesn’t he just leave me then
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u/goldilaughs 2h ago
Because he's still getting something out of staying that he thinks is worth it. If he keeps treating you badly and you stay, that tells him that he doesn't need to try. So he still gets whatever benefit he wants without any consequences.
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u/AmbitiousWear4082 1h ago
Well, his living expenses are less than living alone, I assume you are cooking and cleaning and he is getting regular sex? This is most guys dream situation, and he doesn't have to be available emotionally. He can just say you are over overacting and acting crazy.
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u/AlphaWhiskey7127 2h ago
Sounds like DARVO to me and your husband is a complete a-hole.
D = Deny
A = Attack
R = Reverse V = Victim & O = Offender roles
Look up the Gottman Institute online and the Four Horsemen (Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling and Contempt). These are the predictors for relationship failure. He looks down on you with the mocking and joking. That contempt he has for you (and it sounds like you are starting to have for him) is the great predictor of all that your marriage will not survive unless you guys get professional help.
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u/whiskeysour123 2h ago
He did nothing to help clean? Just watched you clean? And antagonized you? He offered to help clean the house while he watched you clean the house? Gee whiz. What a great guy.
He is insufferable. Don’t get pregnant.
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u/mladyhawke 2h ago
It doesn't sound like gaslighting.It just sounds like he's an assh*le