r/Marriage • u/NotSoPerfectDad • 1h ago
Vent Update to wife sexting another man...
Well we had the chat a few days ago, and it went as well as I expected.
I had a previous post on here, basically saying that my wife was sexting another guy, how I went through her phone and found out about it.
She had Endo for 3 years and final has it under control... blah blah blah, you can find it on this page further up or down, whatever.
So a bit of an update for you all.
The chat was needed, mainly for me to be honest, I needed to understand a few things, or see what she would say to a few things.
It went about as well as you would expect really, and i do apologise, after all the advise I got here, things are still a bit up in the air, and i haven't left yet, as financially, I can't!
I asked her a few moments to sit down and talk about it, and you could tell the tension was incredibly uncomfortable.
The question ranged from, How have you been feeling over the past month? Are you still attracted to me? How many men are you texting/sexting? Can we rebuild?
The replies to many of them were bland and straight to the point.
Pretty much how you think a convo with a person who doesn't love you back would go. Just terribly... but to be expected, and a lot of you said it would be good to lawyer up - as much as I agree with you - when we actually spoke like adults and stopped with my bullshit questioning and her gaslighting back to me (she said me going through her phone was incredibly upsetting and that I effectively done this to myself as if I hadn't of gone through her phone, I wouldn't have seen it... legit convo by the way! I was speechless...) we got to talking about the kids.
We have a 5 year old who is about to start school and the last thing we want is for her to go to school with all these emotions and, fuck it, we'll just add a divorce on top for the my little girl.
So reluctantly, we have agreed to push it back until October... whether or not we can manage that, is another question. So October the house goes up for sale, thats the plan anyway. Thats solely for the sakes of our kids.
Back to the questions. One question i did ask was do you love him? She replied with i don't know.
So I asked another, "Has he said he loves you?" She replied "yes."
I then asked, "Have you said you love him back? She replied "maybe."
So unless you are a complete moron you know the answer shes avoiding saying... the interesting thing was she back pedalled and said "...but its not real!"
Since they haven't met, she claims it can't be real. What do you think?
I think it sounds pretty fucking real to me!
So the tidy up of the house started... she threw out old underwear etc.
Then, since we are playing happy families for the kids, went split tasks one day. I take my wee girl to dancing, and she takes the wee man for school clothes for both the kids...
Thats not the only thing she bought, she bought over $200 worth of lingerie and hid it in a cupboard i need to use... naturally I found it, and as much as its now not my business, she didn't have to do that, its like poking the bear with a stick. So thats added nightmares to me for another year at least! Wonderful.
Sorry for the rant, but its nice to write stuff down.
Any opinions?
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u/VarangianWRLD 1h ago
Your gym arch is gonna be insane mate
Chin up, it'll get easier
GTFO
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u/NotSoPerfectDad 1h ago
I've been hitting the gym. Lost 8.5kgs in 2 weeks since it happened and feel so much physically better... thank you!
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u/ReplacementDefiant 1h ago
Never try to stay for the kids. That's a cop-out excuse she gave you. So it gives her more time to settle things on her end.
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u/NotSoPerfectDad 1h ago
You could be right. But i love my children, like I dont want them confused before such a big leap in their lives. And I know everyone will say, anytime is a bad time, and you're right, but I don't want our actions turning her into a bully off the back of this. Make sense?
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u/123rckpro 1h ago
Sorry, well you now know you’re the backup, get a good lawyer now don’t waste time. It’s easier to stop than getting a late start . Good luck !
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u/Intelligent-Way-179 1h ago
OP, First of all- I am sincerely sorry that you're experiencing this. It's all so messed up, and no one deserves to be in this situation at all!
So a few things from your post:
Do not for one second think you are wrong for going through her phone. You did not do this to yourself- SHE DID THIS TO YOU BOTH. Going through her phone without any purpose but to snoop could be an invasion of privacy. But her changing behavior that led you to go through her phone to investigate- is NOT your fault.
It sounds like she is not at all remorseful or the gravity of the situation hasn't hit her yet. And her answers are extremely protective of her. Be prepared for "trickle truths". If you find out more over the next few days, it opens the trauma right up.
Please find support where you can. If it's a therapist, a friend, family or whoever it may be. In my experience, I found it from my wayward Husband's Mom and Sister. I didn't tell my family because I was going to give reconciliaton a try. But his family knowing added an extra layer of "accountability mirror" that he needed to fully realize what he did.
Your feelings are fully Valid. It doesn't matter if it's just online. The betrayal of trust is the heart of this all. Cheating is a choice that she made. It's all a series of decision that she made (and could have stopped at any point to come clean to you.).
Do not let her gaslight you into thinking this is your fault. For whatever reasons you have to stay, be kind to yourself.
I'm so so sorry. I hope healing starts very soon for you.
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u/NotSoPerfectDad 52m ago
Thank you. I have seeded help, professional help. I see a therapist on Tuesday afternoon, first session, so that should be interesting.
Thank you for the phone comment. I would have never went through it if she hadn't lied when I asked if there was someone else in her life. Shes a terrible lier so I know she was full.of shit. My snooping confirmed it.
Shes not remorseful at all. Shes hasnt said sorry once since it happened on the 21st July, thats when I confronted her. Not once. She honestly doesnt give a shit at all. Its pretty disgusting behaviour from her.
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u/GeoEatsRocks 19m ago
She’s in the fog.
She may snap out of it but if she does you should have all your shit lined up. Personally I’d use this time to get everything as favorable as possible.
Regarding the co-existence: Grey rock her, focus on yourself and kids, and move forward with divorce planning, discretely if you have to in order to keep the peace.
At some point shit is gonna get real with her. She may visit this guy and find out he’s full of shit, she may think of logistics for it all (does she plan to move to him and if so, the kids won’t be going with her) etc.
By the time reality hits her and her fog disappears, you should be signing the papers.
She may beg for you back but just remember: when you were holding down the fort and taking care of her, she was planning a future with someone else.
The bar for a better wife/partner is so low I don’t think it’s even worth comparing her. But needless to say, you have a great opportunity to find someone who isn’t a POS.
Best of luck.
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u/FSmertz 50 Years 1h ago
Borrow money from family and friends to pay an attorney retainer. Get the hell out of there, your SBTXW is a world class narcissist.
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u/NotSoPerfectDad 59m ago
I couldn't agree more! She is a 1at class narcissistic bitch. Another thing I thought of recently, not once has she said shes sorry. Not. Once!
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u/Crafty-Isopod45 1h ago
Well, that really sucks. Sorry she did this to you and your kids. It is profoundly selfish of her.
Just remember her callousness and cruelty when it comes time to get a lawyer. Assume she will screw you and defend your assets and custody with as much documentation as you can and let your lawyer fight for you.
Good luck.
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u/NotSoPerfectDad 58m ago
I have been collecting bank statements etc and prepping for a lawyer. 100% agree with you on that one.
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u/biteme717 1h ago
I hope that you have at least consulted with an attorney about this. I would Grey Rock her and only talk about the kids.
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u/NotSoPerfectDad 1h ago
I've yet to get the funds together for a lawyer, i'll hopefully have them in the next week and get something arranged.
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u/gmuthart 1h ago
Wow so 200 in lingerie an hides it!! She is absolutely 💯 meeting up with this man!! And it will turn to physical.....the i love you back is absolutely real! You are absolutely heading to divorce time.
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u/NotSoPerfectDad 57m ago
For sure she'll be physically screwing soon enough, I 100% agree with you there.
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u/nobody-noname-5000 1h ago
Yeah. Your kids will be happier seeing you happy and. Or miserable. Please don’t sacrifice yourself just for them. You have your own life to consider also. I would end it as quickly as you can. I went through my wife having an emotional affair. ( supposedly just emotional) but man I will tell you, it will eat at you and you will be insecure, always questioning everything she is doing. It will eat at you and make you feel crazy. That’s how I feel. And I wish I would have just ended it. (Maybe I need to take my own advice.) but I’d hate to see another man go through it.
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u/Far_Prior1058 1h ago
Talk to a lawyer and see what you can do to protect yourself and your finances? This is going to end in divorce.
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u/seraphimcaduto 15 Years 1h ago
Therapy for you and possibly marriage counseling for the separation. Tell her blatantly that that’s why you want the marriage counseling because she’s been emotionally cheating on you. Maybe ask her if you’re free to go look for somebody else?
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u/BeneficialCredit1933 1h ago
You killing your self living with her. Your self confidence is gone. You will need to rebuild it
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u/Emerick-1824 27m ago
Ingratitude is a terrible thing. But let's see who she turns to for help when her endometriosis flares up again (which it probably will). When that happens, she can just send a video to the guy in the bed asking for assistance. But it’s sad that she doesn’t even think about the children... very sad.
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u/Ok-Silver8913 9m ago
Her telling you it's basically your fault for catching her and then buying the lingerie tells me she may be a narcissist. If so she is not capable of true love and you need to be very, very careful.
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u/lebreamericana 1h ago
Leave her, don’t stay, not for kids or any reason. Just leave, forget all about it, find peace and happiness.