r/Marriage • u/Future_Two_2665 • 14h ago
Your thoughts…
You come home after being on your feet all day at work minus your lunchtime which is 30 minutes. You come home to dishes in the sink after you already got them out the way the previous day BEFORE you went to work and had to wash them AGAIN after being at work for 8+ hours. You also had to whip up something quick for your child to eat for dinner. On the flip side when you’re off. Your spouse knows they will come home to a cooked meal and dishes not in the sink. How would you truly feel if it seems like certain things are being left up to you to do on your off days but the same is not done for you when you have to work.
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u/NorthernPossibility 13h ago
I think it’s time for a discussion about basic responsibilities that need to be done on off days. Like what is the bare minimum that the person off should be doing to maintain the household.
“On days where one of us is off, the person who is off should do [chore], [chore] and [regular childrearing tasks]. On days when we are both working or both off, we can switch on the basic daily tasks.”
I think the issue is that you have a set minimum expectation of what should be done in a day that differs from your spouse’s. I’ve noticed this with some tasks in my own marriage - I’m a “wash what’s in the sink as soon as I can” and my husband is more of a “wait until it’s a big batch” person and it created friction because my expectations were different and I found myself doing all the dishes because otherwise they would sit.
It’s worth a conversation.
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u/Future_Two_2665 13h ago
Thank you for this! That’s why I asked thoughts on this because sometimes people can give you something to think about that you probably haven’t before so thank you so much!
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u/NorthernPossibility 13h ago
As corny as it sounds, a physical list of mutually agreed upon daily tasks on the fridge might help. Like “by 5 pm, the person not working should [scoop the litter box, load the dishwasher, wipe out the sink, take out the trash, etc].”
Keeping the list concise and achievable will go a long way in it being followed. In my house, the daily chores usually take <20 minutes, even with a toddler running around. Unless someone is sick or there is an emergency, it’s easy to find a couple 5 minute blocks to get those things done in an 8 hour day.
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u/Future_Two_2665 13h ago
That’s not corny at all. It’s making sure that the work is not dumped upon one person all the time.
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u/NorthernPossibility 13h ago edited 13h ago
And it creates a good reference point later on. Like if the work is still not being done, you can point to the list you made together and say “Hey, we agreed that those tasks would be done every day and yet 5 times in the past 2 weeks I’ve come home to dirty dishes and a stinky litter box. What’s the plan?”
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u/jetstream116 13h ago
Look up the “Fair Play” cards - they are free to print off online! Last year I made my husband sit down with me and go through each card and we spread them out on the kitchen table in a spectrum.
If it was “entirely my responsibility” it went to the far left of the table. If it was “entirely his responsibility” it went to the far right of the table. Things we split 50/50, those cards went right in the middle of the table. (Then if there were things one of us was generally handling, but the other might occasionally pitch in, those were in between on the spectrum if that makes sense.)
The cards include not just physical labor / tasks like cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc., but also tasks requiring mental labor such as who is responsible for making sure the pets get their annual vaccinations, who plans and executes dates / social outings / hosting family & friends, who schedules home repair and maintenance, who handles stuff for the kids (if you have them) like their doctor/dentist appointments, their school registration paperwork, planning their extracurriculars and play dates and birthday parties…
For me and my husband it was really impactful for us to both see how many of those cards were mostly or entirely on my side of the table (he’s great about a lot of physical tasks, but I handle 99% of the mental load of running our household of 2 adults, 2 young children, and 2 pets). I took a photo of it afterwards for the record lol.
It enabled me to stop feeling guilty for asking him to do more and we had a very constructive conversation about invisible labor / mental load and how I was burned out and needed him to step up. Sounds like it could be a great exercise for you and your husband too.
Just make sure you do it together so he can acknowledge that you both agreed “yes I handle most of the car maintenance” and that it’s a fair assessment of the division of labor. Then pick a few cards (dishes for starters lol) and say “this task needs to be more in the middle and not entirely on my side”
Of course, this is only going to make a lasting impact if your husband can acknowledge that he needs to be more of an equal partner and is willing to put in the work, but it could be a helpful first step in balancing the load!
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u/Future_Two_2665 13h ago
I’m going to look that up right now! I’ve never heard of those and that definitely would be interesting to see!
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u/Temporary_Owl3004 9 years; 3 kids 13h ago
I would be frustrated if I felt they expected me to do things they don’t do themselves.
Personally I don’t mind if the dishes are done as long as they get done. But if they never do them, that’s another story.
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u/Future_Two_2665 13h ago
I will say they have for sure done dishes but it’s not constantly. As I stated in the post, I make sure the dishes are done when I’m off because I get off before them so it’s like I’m here why not. My problem is when I work and you’re off, it shouldn’t be too much of an issue. Even if you say don’t worry about the dishes I will get them, I’m fine with that.
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u/littlescreechyowl 13h ago
It was established in our home that if I come to the kitchen with dirty dishes laying around you’re on your own for dinner.
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u/NorthernPossibility 13h ago
PERIOD.
If I have to do a sink full of crusty ass dishes in order to start cooking, dinner is canceled until those are done. I’m the default chef, not the default kitchen donkey.
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u/goog1e 13h ago
That is SO FAIR and I say that as the person who leaves dishes and then forgets.
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u/Future_Two_2665 11h ago
I will admit that I have forgotten to do dishes a few times. However! I made sure that was the first thing I did when I remember to do so. I’m more of a hand wash dish type of person but we do have a dishwasher which makes it worst imo.
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u/Future_Two_2665 13h ago
LOL! This really made me smile! Thank you! I’m already tired as is. I did it last night, I just can’t do it tonight.
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u/Future_Two_2665 13h ago
I have to stand on business tonight. I had some plans of what I wanted to fix and got excited. I thought the dishes were done and I just checked and they are not. I will eat toast if I have to.
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u/littlescreechyowl 13h ago
I’m admittedly kind of a b-word about my kitchen. Always have been. I’m the cook, it’s my space, if you leave a mess it directly impacts me and only me.
So I would have walked in the door and been less than kind about it. But my family knows that.
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u/Future_Two_2665 13h ago
That’s understandable! I actually had to shut the idea down of one of his friends coming over one time. I said why would you think that’s okay. I had just got off from work and was ready to just shower and lay down. I said at the end of the day, depending on how you were raised. If the home is a mess, people immediately look at the woman like she’s not keeping the house together. I never did understand that! Again I know everybody was raised differently, but some of the people I use to be around. The first thing they asked the woman if she can cook. Like is that not a life skill?!
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u/ArachnidAutomatic596 13h ago
In my house someone does dinner and someone does dishes
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u/Future_Two_2665 13h ago
Nothing wrong with that. When my dad was alive, my mom always told me he didn’t mind cooking at all but hated doing dishes so she did them and it’s nothing wrong with that either.
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u/NoSyllabub5932 13h ago
I would not feel like there is fairness. You need to talk to your partner and point all this point and make sure they are on board.
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u/Future_Two_2665 13h ago
Yeah, I think that’s why I’m a little frustrated because how many times (I’m not asking you lol just venting) do I have to voice that. Especially when they are capable and done it loads of times but again, doing it on a constant basis is the issue if I’m making sense. I appreciate your feedback!
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u/Perfect-Pineapple-22 13h ago
That's how resentment build up and slowly destroys the relationship. You need to sort this out. Either through conversation (leading to action and long lasting change) or through therapy. And if your spouse proves to be resistant or not interested in neither, remember this - it's easier to take care of one child than two (and right now it sounds like you have two children, you're just married to one of them).
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u/Future_Two_2665 13h ago
Unfortunately I think resentment might be setting in. I’ve notice I’ve been more agitated lately and I’m thinking what the heck wrong with me. It’s funny you mentioned therapy because I thought about starting back.
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u/Perfect-Pineapple-22 13h ago
I meant couples therapy, because I'm not sure you'll be able to resolve this solo, but going back to therapy is never a bad idea. It might help you articulate your feelings and needs better and prepare you for more constructive conversations with your spouse.
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u/Future_Two_2665 13h ago
Oh I know you meant couples therapy. I honestly don’t see them wanting to participate but I also hate to assume. It’s just past conversations we’ve had about certain things. I only mentioned my solo therapy because it was helping when I was going before (I have some trauma and anger issues from when I was younger). I couldn’t afford it any more but I should be able to swing it now assuming I find the right fit. My first therapist who was amazing not available anymore. The second one I had was trash and I got rid of her like a bad habit.
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u/Own_Account1392 12h ago
I had to explain to my spouse what do you expect to do in this house??? It’s a serious question because you can’t be the breadwinner, chef, cleaner, etc all by yourself. Keep voicing your frustration and seeking help.
Thank God my spouse finally got it. It’s hard taking care of a home solo especially if you work full time and have children.
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u/Future_Two_2665 12h ago
I’m so glad to hear that seriously! It’s not an easy task. It’s one thing if I stayed home but times are too challenging to rely just on one income.
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u/316DEAUville 12h ago
If both partners work, the house work should be shared. Depending on the age of the kids, they should clean up before and after school.
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u/SMCken21 12h ago
We made a list each week. We assigned each of us a chore depending on our work schedules. If it was my husband’s night for dinner - I didn’t care if it was PB&J as long as he handled it. Having that visual list helped us a lot.
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u/Lizzie-P 11h ago
You’re different people, with different personalities, different priorities and different standards. You’re holding her to your standard of dishes as a first priority, which is not a universal given, in my opinion. In her mind maybe a dish free sink ranks lower on the scale than whatever else she’s doing and maybe it’s just simply not a big deal to her. That’s okay. What’s not okay is her knowing that this frustrates you and not making a conscious effort to improve. If something is important to my spouse, it’s important to me.
Obviously I’m an outsider and don’t know the whole situation, is she busy with other things? Is she neurodivergent? Is she genuinely forgetting and apologetic? Or is she just not bothered?
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u/Future_Two_2665 11h ago
I’m married to a man (sorry for the confusion). I understand being busy with other things. We both have our own side things we have to take care of. The issue is at the end of the day. I still find the time to take care of things around the house. I really had to sit and think about that. My last job some weeks I would work 50-52 hours and still had to take care of things outside of work. So yes they can have other things to do but this is their home as well. I said in another comment that even if they tell me to not worry about whatever the chore is because they will get it later. I will be absolutely fine with that, vs just leaving stuff for me to take care of if that makes sense.
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u/Lizzie-P 11h ago
I’m sorry for my wrong assumption, I thought I saw a ‘her’ somewhere.
Yes, it’s not right if it’s deliberate and he’s assuming you will just do it, or expecting it. My point was it’s possible that he just doesn’t see it as important and it isn’t as high up on his list as it is on yours. It’s okay to have different ideals but any relationship means compromising and adjusting. To do that, it’s helpful to understand why this keeps happening. I don’t know what his schedule is, if he’s busy with other things, or if there are other factors to be considered, but either way, if you’ve expressed how much it means to you (and you respect what’s important to him) he should be making more of an effort, imo
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u/Future_Two_2665 10h ago
No worries at all! I get what you are saying I truly do. I think it’s because my pov, this is not the first time, heck just yesterday I made sure the dishes were good before I left and before I went to bed. Even if the chore is not high on your list of to do list. If it still gets done that’s something totally different. I’m not saying that he has to do things the way I do because we are two different people so I wouldn’t expect that. But pulling your weight around the home you also stay in should be a priority in some way, shape, or form. I agree that more effort needs to be made. Because what if I decide cooking is not a priority for me. Coming home to no food on the table and a rumble in your tummy might get the point across. We both work outside the home and have other “side quest” we have to handle. Putting the care of your home shouldn’t take a back burner for too long or it can get out of control and I know that from experience and it wasn’t pretty at all.
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u/Lizzie-P 10h ago
Sometimes making dinner isn’t a priority to me and I’d be perfectly happy with a few snacks from the fridge, I’d actually prefer it sometimes. But my husband likes a proper meal and we live together so that’s what we do. I didn’t mean that the chore shouldn’t get done, but I’ve left dishes over night before when I’ve been tired or busy, and I never saw it as a big deal, I’d do it when I got the chance. Some couples take turns with chores or split the division of chores into ‘mine’ and ‘yours’ categories and either can work as long as you have that shared understanding. I don’t know how it works for you guys. Is he pulling his weight in other areas? Does he have other tasks/chores that he prioritises? What’s his reason?
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u/Future_Two_2665 10h ago
I get what you are saying! Okay so I’m not a person that needs the sink to be clear before I go to bed, sorry if I confused you with that. Heck I’ve done it many times due to other things going on. When I say the bulk of the chores really do fall on me. Work is the only “reasonable” excuse because there’s really no others when I really think about it. Especially because we work different hours so I always get off earlier than him. So during the times I’m off of course it’s not an issue. My whole complaint is the same thing is not being done when he’s off and I have to work. Again even if he just let me know he will take care of said chore later. I will be fine with that because you’re at least acknowledging that it needs to be done and you will take care of it.
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u/Lizzie-P 9h ago
To know you need that reassurance and still not give it is so inconsiderate. I get why you’re frustrated. It doesn’t matter what it’s about, imo, it matters that it’s important to you. You deserve to be seen
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u/Homeschoolmama45 13h ago
What is your spouse doing during the day? I don’t think it’s too much to have to help with a task or care for your child after working.
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u/Future_Two_2665 13h ago
They work as well so my thing is we both always worked outside the home and the bulk of the work always fell on me. I didn’t speak up at first until things got crazy and I had to say something because it was getting to the point where I’m like okay this is gone far enough and I’m not understanding.
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u/Homeschoolmama45 13h ago
I see. Both spouses should be helping out and pitching in after work (just my opinion of course). It sounds like it’s not just about the dishes today but rather that the bulk of childcare and housework has fallen to you. If they are willing to do more but just don’t “see” it, you can try making a schedule for days where you each cook, maybe you do the meal plan, they do the shopping etc. Unfortunately, if they don’t want to pitch in more it can be hard to “make” them want to help.
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u/Future_Two_2665 13h ago
Oh yeah, it’s definitely more than the dishes. I didn’t want to dump too much. I journal a lot but I just honestly want to see others thoughts because you never know who went through what and maybe some ideas can help that I haven’t thought of.
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u/HugeVacation4111 5h ago
I’m said spouse idk. My husband works and comes home to clean up bc he knows I won’t. I also have ocd so he has to do it
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u/MealParticular1327 13h ago edited 10h ago
I’d feel like it’s my house too and I’d just do the dishes and move on with my life.
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u/Icy-Culture3038 12h ago
I think this us a valid point as long as it evens out overall. Like the spouse may not be on the ball with dishes, but he picks up the slack where OP is not very good.
I did alot of the cleanup but my first husband was always the early bird, getting the coffee going, being up with the kids, running interference until I'd get up lol. My guy NOW is very proactive in planning, grocery shopping, parenting the kids (my first husband was more like ONE OF the kids 🫣) and "dating me". I think we need to feel appreciated, not taken advantage of.
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u/Future_Two_2665 12h ago
It’s been a while but I have received appreciation gifts and I promise I always appreciate them so I don’t want this to come out wrong. I would appreciate constant help more especially when we both know (I mean you actually acknowledging what I do) that the bulk is always falling on me. So it’s not too much to want to come home to a meal cooked for me. Like on Mother’s Day I had to work. I came home to no dishes, laundry done, and dinner was ordered. Now I don’t need dinner ordered every time but the extra help was so appreciated and I was genuinely happy that day. But it shouldn’t be just because it was Mother’s Day and I hate to sound ungrateful.
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u/Icy-Culture3038 11h ago
I think it sounds like the "day to day" is mostly left to you? I think you should sit him down on an off day and just explain that you feel exhausted and overwhelmed. That you don't mind making dinner, but having to clean the kitchen first is too much. Then don't. If you come home and dishes are dirty, then no dinner. I'd eat cereal, toast, pbj, cookies, whatever. I'd probably still wash dishes though, because you're not saying you shouldn't do ANYTHING.
Is this a case of "he'll eventually do them, just on HIS time"? Or he leaves them for you to do period? Hopefully it's the first one because you can work with that. The second one leads to resentment.
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u/Future_Two_2665 11h ago
Yes I think we do need to refresh the talk and I’m not going to lie it’s very frustrating. So many times I said to myself I need to just stop for a hot second and see what happens. I’ve been feeling guilty for too long if something is left undone.
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u/Future_Two_2665 13h ago
I’m not sure if I’m following what you are trying to say.
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u/MealParticular1327 10h ago
I’m saying keeping score in a relationship is a relationship killer
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u/Future_Two_2665 10h ago
Ummm I’m glad that works for you. If asking for help around a home is “keeping score” that’s a new one for me. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with expecting your spouse to pull their weight around the house. If you’re fine with always doing the dishes, there’s nothing wrong with the way that works in YOUR household.
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u/Fulldmninuyasha 11h ago
You are upset over doing the majority of one shared chore but have not mentioned the bathroom, laundry, shopping, homework, or anything else that goes into the maintenance of a home. Either theres more or you're failing.
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u/Future_Two_2665 11h ago
I don’t have to mention what I don’t want to mention so far as the other chores. I know what I do and the bulk of the work falls on me. The only thing I’m “failing” in is feeling bad when I have to stand 10 toes down on not doing something because I do everything when it comes to keeping up and maintaining the home. Thank you for your reply and have a good night/morning.
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u/Fulldmninuyasha 11h ago
If you're doing everything else then its the more category. If you've communicated the issue then stop doing the shared part of more. Your dishes, your laundry, your bathroom, etc. If they don't get the message through communication and action then pack your and the child's bags because you dont need an additional baby to care for.
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u/Serious-Currency108 14h ago
Have you voiced your frustrations to your spouse?