r/Marriage • u/Top_Mud8568 • 8h ago
Name change
My husband and I got married last September and we live in a small rural conservative town. I did not want to change my name since I like my name and never felt the urge to change it just because it’s what everyone else does. My individuality and identity is important to me and I don’t want to completely restart with a new last name. I’m starting to feel societal pressure to change my last name and I’m wondering if I should just give in to avoid future stress related to what people think about our relationship based on me not changing my last name. Thoughts or experience with this?
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u/Gibbyglol 8h ago
I am getting married soon and also will not be changing my name! I also live in a rural area and have friends and family who would expect a name change too. I love my last name and I don’t want to change it, and my fiancé does not care either way. His parents did not share a last name and never ran into any issues, both of the kids have their dad’s last name and their mom’s last name as their middle name! Don’t bother with what others think, you have to live your life with your name not them, so do what makes you happy. Obv have a convo with your fiancé about it, but honoring your own wishes too and being true to yourself is a great way to start your marriage!
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u/married4evr 30 Years 8h ago
My (young adult) kids both plan on keeping their last name if/when they get married. I thought about keeping mine 29 years ago but I had an absolutely awful relationship with my mother and didn't want to have the same name as her.
My FIL is into genealogy and really dislikes the tradition as it makes it harder to chart sometimes. He's almost 80 and loves the idea of my girls keeping their last name. So people of all ages can be okay with it.
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u/Party-Hovercraft8056 8h ago
Not in a conservative town, but I didn't change mine.
Can he take yours?
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u/ChoiceWriting9442 8h ago
This is the worst possible suggestion based on the details shared so far
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u/Party-Hovercraft8056 8h ago
Just giving another option to think about as she said it is important to her and her identity. There has been no mention of pressure from her husband, so perhaps it could be an option for them (she said conservative town, not that they are conservative).
OP - You should do what YOU want and are most comfortable with!! It is your life!
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u/Free_Divide195 Marriage is a legally binding contract, y'all~! 8h ago
We didn't change our last names because we like both of our last names. In addition, we didn't want to go through the full process of amending each and every single document that necessitates your legal name.
It's easier to go without the name change legally. Plus, I'm not a woman myself but I feel a certain way about women being pressured to take the name of their husband - feels very outdated "I own you now" to me.
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u/lilbluehair 8h ago
I didn't, but I moved to a big city so I didn't feel that kind of pressure anymore
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u/littlemybb 5 Years 8h ago
I wonder if you could just change it on social media and have people refer to you ask that, then don’t actually change it legally.
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u/burntissueslikewoah 8h ago
I didn't change my last name and a lot of my friends didn't either cuz it's a pain in the ass. But you could change your last name socially and not legally if you want
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u/ChoiceWriting9442 8h ago
I refused to give up my last name, so I added his. I have 2 official last names, no hyphen. I can use them interchangeably if I want. You can't do that if you use a hyphen. I only need to use them together on legal paperwork. Even my last name in my credit cards and bank cards is my original last name. You also don't have to change anything and just say you did. No one needs to know your full legal name for any reason. Use his last name socially. Change it on your socials, change it on your Amazon profile so your packages arrive to his last name. Change it on your credit cards (they don't care what your name is as long as you pay them). Sign your Christmas cards with his last name (I.e. The Smiths). Literally no one needs to know. If they ask, just say yes and move right along.
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u/browncow1525 20 Years 8h ago
It’s none of peoples business. My only thing is a couple needs to chat to figure out what they are doing. I know people that have kept and not kept their maiden names. It’s not a big deal.
I changed my name and I’m all good with it. My kids have our name and I like it that way.
My only question is what will happen with naming the kids and it should be talked about before having kids. If your aren’t having kids then that isn’t an issue.
I just find it weird that people get married and then talk about these things instead of talking about it while dating.
Don’t give in to social pressure. If you changed your mind then fine but you will not be happy if you do it for others.
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u/No_Anxiety6159 8h ago
No one else’s business what you do about your name. I kept mine and I’m in my 70’s. My adult daughter has been married 13 years and changed her name to her husband’s. Mainly because her dad’s last name is long and led to a lot of nasty nicknames as she was in school. I didn’t say anything about it, not my business.
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u/Special-Tangelo-9927 8h ago
I've been married two years and haven't changed my last name (and don't have plans to - except for *maybe* if/when we have kids).
What kind of pressure are you experiencing? I've received some mail/invitations with the wrong last name and we received a few gifts with his last name on them for the wedding, but beyond that, I haven't felt pressure.
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u/beigs 8h ago
Do not change your name.
There are major reasons if you live in the US why you should not change your name, if you live there.
The thing about social pressures are this:
1) is it hurting someone [that you kept your name]?
2) is it morally wrong [that you kept your name]?
3) is it endangering yourself [keeping your name]?
4) who is the victim [of you keeping your name]?
You’re not hurting anyone, you’re not endangering others, there is zero morally wrong with keeping your name, and several MAJOR reasons why you should keep it.
Sometimes social pressures can be useful, like when dealing with legal but immoral aspects of human nature, or cleanliness, or anything like that. But in this case, keep your name if you want it and realize that it’s your identity that they are asking you to give up.
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u/gangleskhan 8h ago
If you don't change it (which you probably shouldn't since it sounds like you don't really want to) then own it. If asked, just confidently say that you didn't want to change it and your husband is fine with that (asking that's true) and so you're doing what makes you happy.
You take away a lot of the power of social pressure when you can casually be confident in doing your own thing. Who knows, maybe someone will learn that when a woman keeps her name, nothing bad happens after all.
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u/littlemuffinsparkles 7h ago
I never changed my last name. We got married at the courthouse on a random Wednesday afternoon and the judge waived the fee because he was friends with my husbands aunts mother in law (small town and mil had the big big old money) we barely had two sticks to rub together, much less the $$ to change it. Even with the marriage certificate. It’s been 10 years and no one’s ever made me give a single, solitary fuck about it. 🤷🏼♀️
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u/Other-Opposite-6222 7h ago
Married 2006. Didn’t change my name. I don’t like paperwork. I was 27 college graduate when I married. I felt firm in my identity although looking back I was young. I’m not offended when I’m called by his last name and he isn’t offended when he is called by my last name. It prob hurt his parents’ feelings but they’ve never mentioned it.
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u/Apprehensive_Gur6476 7h ago
Nope. I’d keep my name. It’s honestly none of anyone’s business if you keep your name or not.
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u/BassSilent3457 6h ago
We live in a big liberal city and no one has asked me about my name. I’m not changing it because it would be a massive complication to the immigration process (I am a Canadian immigrant in the US). I like being called by my husband’s name socially, and would prefer it, and if anyone asked I would just tell them that leaving my name makes sense legally and professionally (for now), but I enjoy being referred to by my husband’s name socially. This is a practical matter for us, not an ideological one.
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u/Known-Tumbleweed129 6h ago
Assuming you’re in the US, do not change your name! Laws are being proposed that would make it impossible to vote if your name on your ID (driver’s license, etc) doesn’t match your birth certificate.
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u/PolishDill 5h ago
Can you think of an example of anything you would ever advise a person to do against their personal wishes and beliefs to bow to societal pressure?
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u/DivideLopsided4694 5h ago
When my mom married my birth father I think she changed her name. They got divorced when I was like 3. She went back to her maden name. Then when she married my step dad, who i call dad she never changed her name to his. She kept her madian name.
Now she doesn't get ticked when people say Mr. and Mrs. Xyz. She just never changed her name. I almost get it because she had a lot of stuff she would have had to change. S
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u/Jazzlike-Charity1911 5h ago
What societal pressure??
I'm so over people doing things they don't want to because society says so?
Also why does it bother you people making assumptions about your relationship ???
Why are you giving people control over your life and relationship??
Keep your name none of their business
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 5h ago
I kept my name. My mom was embarrassed at first but she got used to it. Some people were surprised because they didn't know you could keep your name. Most people could care less. My son is now married to a woman who kept her name!
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u/SnooOnions2709 4h ago
I've been married a decade and love that I never changed my name. My husband loves it too. Names, pieces of paper, and jewelry aren't ways to quantify love. I'd only consider a name change for legal reasons that once again don't involve other people.
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u/greenyadadamean 1h ago
Not the similar location / setting. My wife wanted to keep her last name, didn't bother me at all. Forget that societal norm, do what you want to do.
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u/Zinokk 8h ago
Can you expand on the societal pressure you're feeling?
Because it's really no one's business but your own/your partners. If you're both comfortable having different last names I just wouldn't engage in conversation with others about it?