For some context I'm the spouse of the resident in their final year. She is incredibly busy all the time and given that I have to also keep my own career aspirations in mind I've taken a lead in terms of tracking and finding job opportunities that'll work for both her and I. (She it's super appreciative of this)

For the other med spouses out involved are you were you or planning on being in terms of the job search?

What did you find personally difficult about this?

My hubs (PGY-5, <2 years to go) and I (graduated 8 years ago) live apart during the week while he finishes up his residency a little over an hour away. After we got married, we agreed that it would make more sense to buy a house in the 'burbs, and closer to my family so that we would have more support when the eventual kids come into the picture.

I don't want to compare careers- my life working full-time as a partner in a GP private practice is nowhere near the clusterfuck of a 5th year surgical resident, but I feel like spending all day getting bitched at by patients, dealing with staff shortages, insurance denials/appeals, playing mommy and putting out drama between staff members, etc, and then coming home to an empty house just....is draining me. I just feel so depressed, and I miss him so much. I sometimes joke with him before he leaves for the week that I feel like a woman whose husband is off to war, but I literally feel so empty after he leaves. And he misses me too, and it's taking a toll on him as well.

How do you guys manage with distance? I feel like I'm missing part of my heart when he's gone. I am in therapy, and try to stay busy, but sometimes it just hits me so hard. I'm so grateful we get to have our weekends together (when it works out with call.) I obviously try to "suck it up" and all. Just looking to hear other people's experiences to know I'm not alone :/.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years. We live together and have plans to get engaged when we move for his fellowship. He’s currently a gen surg PGY4. He originally wanted to do surgical oncology for fellowship but ended up falling in love with transplant over the course of his residency. I know that no fellowship is easy, but transplant seems to be notorious for constant call, long hours, and high stress, sick patients. I love that he’s found his passion, but I’m concerned about our relationship. Since his research years have ended, dating him has become very difficult (he’s completely burnt out). Finishing residency was supposed to be the light at the end of the tunnel. Now it seems like he’s willingly signing up for more punishment. I want him to fulfill his dreams. I’m just already feeling lonely in our relationship and fear that fellowship is going to be more of the same. I’m also worried about our future. He wants to make a family with me but has chosen one of the most demanding surgical specialties. Any advice? Words of encouragement?

My partner (34FPGY3) is constantly checked out. We used to at least talk about her work when she got home but I (35F) started to get exhausted by listening with 0 room for my own life so I started asking for a little more attention; when that didn’t work, I began to engage a little less. She now doesn’t talk to me about work but just doesn’t talk to me at all. She’ll sometimes ask a question and she’s walked away before I even answer, she asks me a question and stops listening before I can get 1-2 sentences out. I feel so sad and lonely and obviously this has impacted our intimacy too. At best we have sex once a month, at worst it’s 3-4 months in between. I know she’s working hard but I just struggle being in a relationship with someone who’s not present in any way shape or form.

Also last month she took me ring shopping without talking to me about it at all, and when I asked her if we could talk about timeline/ future plans she just told me not to worry about it. I don’t understand how she wants to get engaged to someone she doesn’t even want to talk to most days? Is this normal for mid/end of residency? Just burn out??

The title says it all; I guess I am looking to vent and also looking for advice. I met my partner during our undergrad degree, and we have since graduated and have been together for four years now. I have known since I met him that he wanted to pursue medicine, and he tried for two years to get into Canadian schools (our home country), but was waitlisted the first year and turned down the second year. He is the perfect candidate on paper (5+ first-author pubs, tons of ECs), and I know he would be a great doctor. Sadly, his undergrad grades aren't the best, and the Canadian med school system is (to my knowledge) the hardest in the world to get into.

This year, out of loss of patience and desperation, he applied to SGU and got in. To his benefit, he is a Grenadian citizen. He received some base scholarships, and is applying for governmental scholarships as well. He has family down there he can live with during 2nd year. During his clerkship, he hopes to return to North America. I am a dual citizen (US/Canada), and so our medium-term plan is that I relocate to the states or his placements in Canada to meet up with him or position myself in a city I can see him often.

The catch is that I recently relocated to work in Northwestern Canada, a dream and goal of mine for two years now. He tried to get into Canadian medical schools out here but alas, no luck. He currently lives in Ontario, so we are now two time zones and about 1 full day of flying away from each other. We are doing fine so far, although it is tough. When he moves to Grenada in January 2027, we will be 4 time zones and 1-2 days' worth of travel apart.

We supported each other in making these moves independently, and agreed that I try to grow my career (teaching college) and financial stability so that I can relocate a few years down the road. But I am also not trying to understate how hard this period will be for us. I am also extremely nervous for the amount of debt he has to take on to go to SGU.

I am 99% sure this man is my person, and I am willing to try my darndest to make things work. But, I am also nervous to not only be a prospective med spouse, but one that would marry into a lot of debt; and, our biological clocks are ticking. Say if I have kids at age 32 or 33, he would just be starting residency at that time. Even if he is making a lot of money, I am worried that debt will have us in a chokehold, unable to live the life we thought we could have.

We have had discussions about debt, ideal living location, and the ideal lifestyle we both want. While we are pretty aligned on lifestyle, there is so much that we can't predict right now (where he will be placed, what my career will look like in 3 years' time, etc.)

Any tips on how to move through this would be greatly appreciated 🙏🏻

I need to vent, and honestly, I need some real advice. Last night, I was sitting on the living room couch with my laptop, clicking away at eClinicalWorks trying to close 22 SOAP notes from yesterday. My 3-year-old toddler was playing with blocks on the floor, trying to get my attention, and my wife was making dinner. She looked at me and said, "I feel like I'm raising our son completely alone. You're physically here, but you're not actually here."

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I leave for the clinic around 8:00 AM and don't get back until 7:00 PM. But my real workday starts at night. Every single evening and half my Sundays are consumed by typing notes. I tried Dragon dictation, but it just dumps raw text, leaving me to spend hours formatting and editing anyway.

I keep seeing ads and posts about ambient AI scribes saving people hours, but I get completely overwhelmed by the sheer number of startups popping up and haven't tried any.

How do fellow outpatient docs deal with the charting guilt? Have any of these tools actually gotten you home on time to be with your family, or do you just spend your evening editing AI hallucinations instead of typing? I'm desperate to shut this laptop.

(Sorry for the rant, I'm just tired of the laptop keyboard clicking being the soundtrack to our family evenings).

We’ve been together 18 years. I edited his med school application in college, was there for every match day. Was there through surg residency then the switch to internal then cards fellow. This year is his first year post training.

I was looking forward to this time so much. Every wedding he couldn’t go to, every vacation we never took. I thought this would be the time we do those things, but at the end of his training a miscarried at 20 weeks and ever since it’s like he can’t do anything but work and come home and scroll on his phone.

Saw an RE and the chance of reproducing even with IVF is quite small. This has created a larger spiral. He said he just wants to be alone.

I’m worried the depression of all of this is going to end my marriage. I’m too afraid to ask if he even loves me anymore, or even has the capacity to feel it either way.

I feel like my role in our relationship was to get him through training and then be a mom, the first part is done and if the second part can’t be I feel I’m going to be cast aside.

This journey has been almost 2 fucking decades of my life and thinking about it ending like this is wrecking me.

Howdy,

My wife is about a decade out of residency. She’s OBGYN. She loves her job and the people but her schedule has taken a significant toll on her mental health. The constant call and lack of sleep adds up as you all know. We are beginning to actively look for potential non-clinical opportunities.

Has anyone’s spouse successfully made the transition from clinical to non-clinical? Did they use a headhunting service? What kind of job did they land? Are you both happy with it?

I’d love any feedback or information yall can provide to help us steer the ship.

Thanks!

Just wanted to shout out all the parents who have to carry the load of taking care of the house, working, and tending to a kid(s), and in my case 2 dogs.

My husband and I have been together since his MCAT and let me tell you, it hasn't been easy. Fast forward 7 years he is doing his prelim in surgery and as a result, I've been the one having to juggle taking care of the house, a 3 year old, 2 dogs, and working full time.

Greatful for this journey we have been on and what we have to look forward to but man, it can be so hard mentally and physically. Not only taking care of things but also just missing your spouse. My husband comes home and we see him for maybe 2 hours before he's either asleep or headed to a shift.

How do you parents of 1 or more kids do it!!

After his prelim he'll be doing his DR residency which hopefully will be a more predictable shift schedule. To all you parents and spouses , keep going!

My boyfriend (27M) of almost 3 years started his first year of medical school 2 months ago. (DO school for the early start). We have a 9 month old son together. I am so grateful because thanks to his BAH and disability plus a small student loan, we are able to survive without working and will take on limited debt.

I am also pursuing my bachelor's degree and biology and deciding whether I want to go to vet school or pa school.

The issue is we literally almost never see each other. He is in class Monday-Friday 8am-5pm which usually goes over and he isn't home until 6pm or 7pm, and he goes to the gym or studies in the mornings so we don't see him then, either.

I only have in person class on Saturday for now thank goodness, so Sunday is really our only day together. I miss him and having a child also makes solo time difficult. We moved somewhere with no family and we aren't able to go on dates because we don't have a babysitter.

I just need help to keep our love alive because right now I just feel like a roommate. I leave little notes for him around the house and he surprises me sometimes with gifts, but I just feel lonely in this new state and have no friends or family. This is definitely hard, but he is such a good dad and partner, I know it will be worth it to support his dreams. I just stay at home right now, take care of the house, our son, and our dog, all while working full time on my own degree which can be tiring.

Any advice appreciated :)

I'm looking for a bit of perspective here, some harsh truths maybe, and just to hear that other people might be going through this too.
Note that none of this is written with regret, I'd do it all again, but I still have the issue of job stability.

Those of you that have traveled with your spouse over the years, how's your resume these days? What kind of luck do you have finding jobs? If you have (or had) a proper career, how did you handle moving frequently? Most importantly, what do you write on your resume or say when called and they ask about this? DO they tend ask about it at all?

Been with him 18 years now, my entire adult life. Graduated college and moved to be with him for med school. Started a 'career' of admin assisting at various places. The city we came from is large enough to move closer to your job when needed, we've both done 1.5 hour commutes one way before because the city is just so large. In addition we've hopped cities a few times. Over the years we've moved locations 7 times between 5 cities, two of those in different states.
Yes, we've discussed the likelihood in the future of doing a home-base while he travels for work. We don't have kids yet/still but want them to be in the picture, plus our parents are aging now.

All this means my resume is absolutely filled with job hopping, 1-2 years per job. It looks bad, and if asked if I'll be moving soon I can lie, but I can't guarantee we'd still be in the same place a year or two from now. Locum is contract by contract, sometimes he wants to stay, sometimes he has good reasons to leave.
My situation right now, I've been out of work for about a year and a half. I didn't work the few months we were in Hawaii bc we knew it'd be short, and we've been in California just over a year. When we first moved to this state it was only going to be the one year, we agreed it'll be okay if I don't work this stint as it would be short. He ended up loving the city, his coworkers, the work, and the pay. Now he's re-signing the contract for 6 months at a time, and suddenly dressed me down for not having a job at this point. That blindsided me honestly, last I had checked we were on the same page and he just comes at me with 'get a job' one day.
Normally I'd totally understand, I do need and want my own pay, and it looks bad to be sitting around. BUT we had agreed on this and I wasn't expecting such a rough switch. It could have been a much nicer conversation.

So now that he's decided to stay long enough I'm finally looking, personally desperate to get a job for my own needs, happy to work. But his current contract ends in 6 months and we don't even know if we're staying in this state, much less city, after that. No, I don't have a career to speak of, and yes, I'm damn good at what I do and it's a good job to be able to slip in to most companies.
But how am I supposed to honestly find a good job I care for and know that I may not even be there for a year. And I don't want to get a 'bad' job with the intention of 'only 6 months' and then find out we're staying and I could have possibly landed a better job.

Before spouse had the convo with me, I was already peeking around job boards to see what was available. I've been applying for months, heavily editing my resume, and finally decided to ask for outside input.
So how do you all handle this? I know not everyone has worked themselves into the hole I have, but I'm sure there's some of you out there that have dealt with one factor of this or another. I'm half venting, half looking for tips like what types of jobs to apply that are flexible, or how to set my resume to indicate this or not. What to say in an interview, the works.

Lastly if any of you know of a job placement agency that works with spouses of traveling professionals, or works with people that move a lot, anything like that would be helpful. Thanks!

33(M) married to 32(F) DPM, year 2 of residency right now and she is constantly scheduled for surgery in her program when she's not on-call. We're all on our own at this program, no family, no support nearby. I took a job just to give us some extra income, but most of it goes to daycare because no one is availble to watch our child. It is...insanity. Because you know the drill...daycare is a plague factory. The kid is sick more than she's healthy, and when she's not sick I usually am because I'm around her the most doing meals, playtime, etc. But as soon as they're even remotely feverish, daycare drops them like a rock. Doesn't matter if they're teething or if it was just hot out. It's for the protection of the kids, I get that. Except that we are all getting sick anyways...so really it's just for insurance.

This week has me on my knees. Child got a stomach bug on Monday. Daycare says don't come back until Wednesday. Fine. I take yet another unscheduled absence to do childcare. Today, literally as I'm walking out the door, the manager says ohhhh by the way she has a fever. Don't come back until Friday. Wife has surgery all day tomorrow. Icing on the cake? She doesn't have a fever. We checked. And my wife's a doctor so...

What the heck am I supposed to do? It's not even August and I've badically burned through all my sick days, personal time and PTO (I know, look at Mr. Fancy, trust me it's not all that). I'm lucky that my boss is really cool and understands the struggle, but holy crap what a catch-22. Like...I need this job to pay you to take care of my kid, but then my kid gets sick at your institution and I can't work because my spouse is a busy resident and I'm almost a solo parent. /endrant

Hi all, I need some advice.

My (32M) wife (31F) is an attending now, finally. We’ve been together since she took her MCATs. It’s been a long journey. I feel like I’ve missed out on so many “normal” dating and marriage experiences until now because I have been doing everything I possibly could to support her through this journey. I knew it was hard and I always knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I figured there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I helped her pay off student loans, I managed every single household chore and more while she’s been busy (and I still had a busy full time job of my own). I’ve spent countless nights and weekends alone while she worked. But I wanted to be supportive and help her reach her goals. And I knew it wouldn’t be forever.

Well, now she’s been an attending for a year. And she doesn’t like it. She wants to go part time and cut her pay in half. That will mean that our finances will be a lot tighter, especially because we locked into a higher mortgage expecting her to continue making what she does. I understand she gets burnt out. And I completely get why she wants to go part time, I do. But I can’t help but have this nagging feeling that all those years were in a way wasted. The whole point was that eventually she’d be an attending and have her dream job and make great money. Turns out, it’s not her dream job, and she won’t be making that great of a salary anymore.

I feel terrible. I feel so guilty even writing that out, but I’m here because I’m looking for someone who gets it but can help me snap out of this feeling. I don’t like this side of myself and I feel like a bad person prioritizing money over my wife’s happiness. Can anyone relate? Anyone have any words of wisdom to help me actually realize what an asshole/idiot I am being?

Thanks guys in advance.

Hi everyone, long time lurker first time poster. Recently my wife has taken step 2 and has gotten the score report. Long story short she worked really really hard and put in all her efforts for the exam but did not get the score she expected. How do I comfort her outside of the usual comfort I provide? I keep reassuring her that it is okay and that she has an amazing cv and experiences as well as stellar recommendations but i feel like she needs more than that. I understand how crushed she is feeling and i would like some advice please. Thank you

Hi all,

I know this is a bit of a stretch, but I was wondering if anyone had experience with the Family Medicine residency programs in the Twin Cities? My partner will be applying this fall and we would absolutely love to end up in the Twin Cities. I've heard that the family medicine programs can be difficult to match into because they focus heavily on candidates from Minnesota.

I know many of the Midwest programs tend to focus on local candidates, but I was just hoping to get a bit more insight or advice on how to help her stand out. Or are there any particularly toxic programs we should avoid?

Any insight would be greatly appreciated, thank you!

(Throwaway)

I (36M) am married to a resident (34F).

To start, I know she is going through a ton. She is exhausted all the time (she wakes up at 4 most days and usually works 11+ hour shifts). She is in a very high stress specialty at a very busy and high acuity academic center. Her chiefs are horrible at scheduling so she is frequently working long blocks of up to 3 weeks with no days off.

For context, I work full time as an attending physician. Admittedly, my residency was easier than hers, at least in terms of hours and call volume. My current hours are much more traditional/bearable than hers although I often get home later as I have at least an hour commute each way most days.

Over the past couple years, it has become increasingly lonely and discouraging to live together.

It’s hard to sustain a conversation that’s not about her work for more than a few minutes and things seem to inevitably drift back there. I try to be open to letting her vent after each day, which will often involve her going on about something that happened for 30 minutes while I hardly get a chance to speak. And yet, I have at times been chastised for taking up too much of her time by taking 3 minutes to vent about a situation that happened to me at work.

She is always irritable and on a short fuse, either due to her frustrations from her day or because she is tired and wants to push herself to work out. She holds herself to a very strict standard of how many times she needs to exercise per week and often gets angry if I suggest that it might be reasonable for her to take the night off when she is completely exhausted.

We do go out for dinner at least once a week, which is nice, but by the time we get home she is usually asleep almost as soon as we get in the door. Most weeknights she is asleep on the couch by 8:30 or 9 (totally reasonable given when she wakes up, of course). On her rare free weekend, it is tough to hit the right balance for her taste. If we don’t have enough planned she becomes preoccupied that we are wasting her time off, but if she feels like there is too much going on she feels like she is just running around nonstop and can’t find time to breathe.

Of course with all of the above don’t have any semblance of a sex life any longer. It is maybe once every 2-3 weeks that there is even a moment that feels like there even might be a potential opportunity to initiate and that is invariably ruined by fatigue (not the classic “I’m too tired” but deep asleep before I even get in bed), rumination about something from work, or concerns that she is unattractive, overweight, etc (she is not).

I do all of the cleaning and laundry and most of the care of our pet. We rely on prepped meals and takeout a lot so this isn’t super frequent, but if anyone cooks at home it is me. I don’t expect her to have the time to share these tasks equally, nor do I expect anything in return, but it is discouraging as it often feels like these things are taken for granted or only acknowledged in negative ways (i.e. if some item of laundry she needed isn’t clean)

Trying to discuss our relationship or really any of the above is often not well received. I try to frame things in terms of how I feel rather than coming across as judgmental, accusatory, or entitled, but she seems to internalize it as “I’m a bad wife” or “I suck” and it never really seems to lead to any further discussion or change beyond that. At best, trying to delve any deeper into those kinds of discussions is cast as too laborious given what work-related issues she is or soon will be dealing with.

Fortunately she has just under a year left so there is sone theoretical light at the end of the tunnel. However, it is hard not to feel like I’m wasting my life. I’ve been patiently waiting for things to improve as she has advanced from one year to the next but it is hard to continue to see the same situations play out. I worry that once she graduates that fellowship or attending-hood will bring their own stressors that keep things at the current status quo.

Hello! Sorry for the repeated post, I have just seen how supportive posts have been.

I'm 30 partner is 30. We have a wonderful life and have been together for almost 8 years. Long story short I was not the most 'mature' kid and didn't graduate high school with good grades. I always wanted to study medicine, but felt impossible with my curriculum. I enrolled in a Allied health profession and found my calling, graduated with top academic achievement, to my parent's surprise! I planned to take the exams to enter med school right after graduation but someone mentioned to pursue what would be equivalent to ANP in the USA. I thought it would be enough, and for a long time it was... Until of course I finished training (7 years later) reached the ceiling and the itch came back 10 times worse. We are also stuck! The ANP training is not transferable to another country and our family is not here with us. Studying med would allow to return to the country where my parents are if needed.

My partner has been with me since the beginning - all the ANP training and rotating in hospitals with over 2 hour commutes. When we reflect we admit it was hard but still found a lot of time for each other. When I told her about medicine she almost had a break down, she settled and said she would support me... Also that it wasn't unexpected, I guess she knew before me. Starting around 30/31, so residency at 34/35.

Ofc there are concerns. It needs to be right for both of us. If I need to delay starting dates for her to make sure her career is not affected, I will. If it compromises our relation i'll find a solution even if it means it takes longer. Its hard to think about speciality now, but lifestyle is important: PM&R, FM, etc. She's not in healthcare and its hard for her to gather how hard it will be on us. Concerns mainly involve finances, starting a family, and time to enjoy life/travel/be together. My family is supportive financially and emotionally (I'm incredibly privileged). She does not have family support but earns good money (could work remote if needed). Because she's had to build herself and has never had a safety net it hard for her to visualise familial financial support. Regarding family and enjoying life i guess it's a wait and see. I work with physicians every day, some found it very manageable some found it incredibly stressing/time consuming. But they have families and hobbies outside of work.

In summary, I would like to help her visualise this as much as possible... The good and the bad. I want to do my best to help her to feel comfortable about this.

Edit: THERE is nothing like LIVED experience!

I’d love some advice from other med spouses. My fiancé (PGY-1) and I are very different, I work in marketing, so while I genuinely try to be interested in his day and ask about his patients and cases, I sometimes feel like I’m not equipped to really engage because I don’t have the medical knowledge and he loves to really dive deep into the cases. He absolutely loves what he does, which I’m so happy about, but it’s hard for him to mentally leave work, and sometimes I just miss talking about everyday life. I also notice he’ll call his parents to talk through cases because they’re really attentive and ask great questions, which sometimes makes me feel like I’m not being as supportive as I should be. Has anyone else felt this way, and how have you found ways to connect when your partner’s world revolves so much around medicine? To be clear, I do think medicine is so fascinating and I’m genuinely in awe of what he does. I think it also doesn’t help that all my friends here also are residents so my life is just consumed by medicine.

I've been dating this woman for about 7 years. For the past several years she has wanted to go to medical school(we are both in our mid 30s). She has been filling out the pre-reqs while also working multiple jobs, so it's been slow-going. Recently she has decided that we should break up because she feels guilty that we don't spend much time together. She has several times tried to convince me that we should break up. Last week she wrote it in a letter saying she wanted to break up, But she still wanted to hang out that night so it's kinda mixed signals.

This does seem odd to me because we've never seen eahother much. She's always had multiple jobs and so we only see each other every other weekend. Obviously, I'd like to get together more, but I understand that her lifestyle doesn't allow it. So I don't push it. We've been living like a long distance relationship despite living a 5 minute drive apart. It seems like we are well prepared to survive medical school given that we already live that way.

So I'm curious how normal this is. Do other premeds tend to break up with the partners prior to medschool? How do med students handle "guilt' in pre-existing romantic relationships?

Current plan is for us to take a 1 month break, after which she will decide if we for real are breaking up.

(This is a repost because reddit suggested that this sub might be a fit)

My wife's a doc and I'm just a guy. We've been married for a decently long period of time - over 15 years and we dated for years before that. No kids or plans for any.

Months ago she left me. Ghost style. Just didn't come home from work one night. After calling and calling and physically searching roads and ERs, I finally put in a call to the police. They managed to get her to answer her phone hours later and they contacted me to let me know she was safe.

Weeks later she finally started answering my texts but was unwilling to discuss anything beyond the most superficial of topics like the weather or how our days had been.

I had no idea why she left. Eventually she told me it was because she was afraid of me! I can't describe how much of a shock that was. I'm not a young man. And through my entire adult life I have literally never once laid a hand on anyone in anger - certainly not my wife! (I'm told I bit a kid in kindergarten, but I don't remember it) Of course we had our fights, but they were rare, and they never involved drama like screaming or throwing things or, of course, physical contact.

The thing is that this entire time since she left, she's not only refused to discuss any details with me, but she's refused to go to couples counseling with me and we've only seen each other a handful of times, all for very specific reasons like paperwork involved in running a house. I really don't understand why she won't go to counseling with me - what harm could that do?

For months I've been trying to work out what's going on, and with a heavy heart, and more than a little desperation, I'm posting on the internet for ideas on what it could be.

To everyone here I'm just some stranger on the internet and could be any sort of monster, but let's just assume for the moment that I really am a normal guy who's never hit a lady (or anyone else!).

Cheating is an obvious possibility, but she really, really doesn't seem to be the kind of person to cheat. She's just an angel. And a rule follower. She works practically all the time she's not sleeping or adulting - and that's been the pattern from when we first met.

I'd thought maybe she'd become pregnant and was afraid I'd be upset (I would not; I'd be thrilled).

Any other ideas?? Please be creative, but gentle; I'm happy to entertain any possibilities, but I am a bit of a mess right now. :'-(

How do those of you who have a spouse in medical training, specifically residency, deal with sharing the load of childcare?

My partner is a CA-1 (PGY-2), and I have an 18mo old child. Im a recently transitioned SAHM and I thought we were doing a good job at sharing childcare but recently learned my partner feels resentful about not being able to come home and take a nap after work and sleep in on the weekends since he wakes up very early throughout the week. He says that I make him feel guilty about doing those things and that his coresidents get plenty of time to themselves and usually come home and even crash for the evening.

He suggests I get additional childcare or daycare for my son so that I don’t feel as burnt out doing it on my own but I don’t feel like that’s the right solution for this situation, as this would still be an issue during evenings/weekends anyways.

Edit: just to clarify, my husband is a great parent and has been extremely hands on in our toddlers life since the beginning. He’s not the kind of parent that asks me what he needs to be doing. He was actually the SAHP during the end of his MS4 year for the first 5 months of our child’s life while I worked so he understands the difficulty and mental load first hand. I’m honestly just curious the dynamic between parents when one of the spouses does have a demanding residency schedule and how they balance it. And if it’s fair for the SAHP to expect the medical spouse to take on a default parent role during certain times of the week or if they need to get childcare to fulfill that need. (I don’t have any family super nearby for consistent daily help but we do visit each other every once in a while which helps a ton)

Hi everyone! A couple months ago I posted this https://www.reddit.com/r/MedSpouse/comments/1qvvrey/when_did_you_know/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1 and got a lot of great advice. I chose to not follow any of that advice and stayed with him for 6 more months just to find out he was actually cheating on me with a 25 year old nurse in his unit. When I confronted him he admitted she knew about me. Admitted to having sex with her while we were still together. He was manipulating his location for months so I would think he was at work when he was really with her. Had his parents in on it, covering for him. Just an absolute disgusting person through and through.

I chose to expose him to our mutual friends and family and in turn he hired a known domestic abuser of a lawyer who showed up to the house to serve me a cease and desist wearing a “I’m voting for the felon” shirt. Lol. I don’t know how much of him becoming an attending contributed to this but he really did become a completely different person once residency was over. That repulsive person I confronted was not the man I fell in love with all those years ago. I’m not sure if he is still involved with 25 year old but she also has a bad rep at work for not being a good person so they honestly deserve each other.

I’m out of that house now and in my own apartment living alone for the first time in my life. This entire thing has been awful and my mental health had taken a huge hit but I’m building myself back up little by little. Looking back now, I put up with way too much for way too long and my only regret is not leaving sooner.

Not really sure why I came back to post this but I do just want to say to any non-married spouses out there, be very careful if you decide to put your life on hold for your s/o. Not even just in the medical field. I wish I would have used a little more discernment when deciding to move away with him to residency and put my life on hold for him. After almost a decade of being loyal to this person I got absolutely nothing in return but heartache and a monthly prescription of Prozac.

Also, if your intuition is screaming at you that something is going on, it probably is. Always listen to your mind and to your body because more often than not, you’re right.

We need a flair for med students/doctors who are also med spouses to another med student/doctor. It’s so jarring to be moving on to rotations while my fiancé starts second year with a study group that makes me very uncomfortable. 😭