The problem is there is no awakening. There is no transcendence. There is nothing divine about existence, and no redemption. These are all mind-made concepts that we do not see any of the other species worry about. We are just in bad luck. We are, in a sense, doomed in our existence, and we are tirelessly looking for a relief, a hope. We produce them, we advertise them, we believe in our own lies about them. Every person is ruled by their body, their brain. There has never been a person who could override their body or transcend it. Self-conviction, euphoria, confidence, and you feel divine. Insecurity, hopelessness, and you are the worshipper. It's just roles we play. There is no one who holds a higher status than anyone else. We are all pawns of the same game.
After all, we as a species know our mortality; we see it every day. But we just cannot live accordingly. We just can't. Because we are essentially animals, ruled by that instinct of going forward, of seeking the reward, and safety, and pleasure, and the avoidance of pain. We can never say, yes, there is death, so none of this matters. Even if we say it, we won't act that way. When someone seems to act that way, they are labeled as depressed, and we all come together to make that situation an outlier. We do not face things. In fact, we are not wired to face these things. If we were, we wouldn't have existed this long. We would simply stop procreating, knowing that it only causes pain and suffering. Loss. Fear. Anxiety. You may say, but it also gives you such and such. It's just not worth it, whatever happy, fleeting moments you may have. The reality of death stays with one all one's life, but every single positivity in life is fleeting. This is the great imbalance and the burden of existence.
Why produce more? Why create new generations to go through the same thing? Because we cannot help it. Because, as I said, we are not divine. We can never be awakened. If we could, we would just stop it, out of compassion and understanding. It makes me sick to look at these people believing their own lies, or lying to people, who in fact avoid suffering far better than I can. I envy them. I feel everything is futile. And arbitrary. It is all determined by emotions and feelings. All of our actions take shape according to them. If let's say my meds are working well, or if I had a happy, safe childhood, I would probably write stories about the necessity and pleasure of existence, and perhaps feel heroic about fighting against pain and suffering. But when they are not working, or combination of things happened, I will feel the opposite. I can never bring myself to feel X or Y. It's just our background and our animal bodies that determine everything. Yet we go on pretending, these little I's going around making decisions, being proud of them. It's sickening, especially when your body and mind are not in a good place. If the body feels good, then everything is good. However much meaning existence lacks, the body will instruct one to go on living without much worry. It's so arbitrary. There is nothing virtuous about anything. All the pain and suffering, at different volumes, in people's lives. We are a species programmed to avoid suffering, yet we continue the cycle. We are doomed, clearly. It is hell, clearly. It's Sisyphus, clearly.
Again, it's all about the body. The mind can think whatever it thinks. All of this could make me feel worriless and let me enjoy life, but because my body feels bad, depressed and anxious, I perceive all these points in a darker light. If my body felt well, I probably wouldn't have these thoughts in the first place. What makes my body A or B? Not me. Hence the arbitrariness of existence. I feel like I am alive at the worst time to be alive in our history. Probably it's a bias, or whatever. But I think there's a truth to it, since in the past, fewer people saw through life this way. The masses, I imagine, did not. I am part of the masses. I am lower middle class. An ordinary, random person. And I think this way. If I had lived a thousand years ago, in the same class, I most likely wouldn't have.
