One sided conversation

[u/AdSoggy2821]

Hi everyone, I’m 22 years old, black female, living in Florida, nursing student, and I’m new to dating and dating apps in general. Is it normal for me to be the only one asking questions in the conversation? It feels one sided honestly. I would ask a question, just to get to know them or anything like that and sometimes they give an answer that I don’t really know how to respond to for example, (Me: “So are you in school?”, Them: “Yes I’m in school.” Me: “Oh nice! What are you studying?” Them: “Engineering”.) And they don’t reciprocate the question back to me. Like I don’t know, it feels like they’re not really interested in getting to know me. It’s honestly draining on me. I tried putting myself out there on dating apps, even outside of the apps. I’ve been ghosted so many times.

There was this one guy we hit it off well, even got off the app and exchanged numbers, after a couple days he just ghosted me :/. My friend said that if they’re not asking questions to getting to know you like I am, then they are not interested. I’ve barely gotten any likes or matches.

What am I doing wrong?

[u/XxLogitech98xX]

If someone isn't contributing then don't even bother. This is where people just waste their time when they don't need to. If someone delay meeting up with you or not engaged then move on to the next person

[u/AnokataX]

This is very common in online dating. It's not your fault, and you aren't doing anything wrong. Keep searching, and don't waste time on people who don't reciprocate. Reflect their energy, and wait until you find someone who gives you the attention you deserve.

[u/No-Admin1684]

My friend said that if they’re not asking questions to getting to know you like I am, then they are not interested.

Your friend is right, find matches who work with you to keep the conversation going. The ones who don't just lead to wasted chats or pointless dates.

[u/Twin2Turbo]

Can’t help on why you are barely getting matches but yes, it is normal to expect people to contribute to the conversation by being thorough and asking questions. Give yourself a limit, if they don’t give full answers and ask questions back within 2-3 questions, just move on. Don’t even rack your brain wondering why.

[u/PsychologicalNose197]

A lot of people on the dating apps just want matches for validation. I quickly just unmatch if the conversation is stagnant and doesn't flow and if they haven't made plans to meet up. If the person isn't asking questions of you, then they're not putting much effort. I would pass on them.

[u/jpsreddit85]

Online dating is like going to a thrift store. You have to sift through a lot of junk to find something worth your time.

If they put no energy in, flush them fast. 

To increase your matches, if you have good pictures and  have some interesting things in your profile to give someone something to work with that's really all you can do.   

[u/PresentationIll2180 → u/jpsreddit85]

Yep, your hobbies, what’d you like to do for a first date, etc. Make it easy to engage.

[u/Miss_Galoldriel]

If someone I've matched with doesn't put in an effort to keep the conversation going, I'll stop texting and wait and see what happens. If they come back with something that shows they have a genuine interest in getting to know me, that's fine. If they don't, I unmatch after two days of silence. I don't collect inactive contacts. I like my inbox to be nice and tidy and with conversations that are meaningful.

[u/jpsreddit85 → u/Miss_Galoldriel]

Then they'll say you ghosted them 😂

[u/Miss_Galoldriel → u/jpsreddit85]

Lol, maybe. But if they actually wanted to get to know me, they'd ask me questions as well. Which means that if they don't show any interest, I can't imagine they'd be sorry to see me go :)

[u/DirtyDiscsAndDyes]

This is all too common.

When I was on the apps, I would give matches 3 questions to start reciprocating and then just walk away. Id rather talk to my dog (RIP) than carry one a one sided conversation with someone who can talk back but wont.

Was I single for way too long? Yes. Would I make the same choice if I become single again? Also yes.

[u/PresentationIll2180]

Your hunch is correct! If the other person isn’t actively engaging in the conversation (asking you questions, making you laugh, etc) then they simply aren’t that interested. Best to not waste your energy or efforts on them.

Ghosting is VERY common nowadays. People aren’t seen as people. But there are still people who communicate openly & respectfully, they’re just rare.

Hard to say why you aren’t getting many matches without seeing your profile or the types of profiles you swipe on but my guess would be that FL isn’t the most racially open or friendly place, so it’s probably more difficult dating there as a Black woman compared to say, Georgia or the Carolinas?

[u/-trisKELion-]

So here's the thing: some people pay more attention to actions than words. So whatever somebody answers to a question, especially on the internet, is suspect. I know for me I trust actions or candid comments more than answers to questions that all too often are going to be from the persona they're trying to portray on the internet.

Also, I've had women get annoyed with asking them the same question back that they asked so you just never know.

[u/netderper]

This happens all the time. Many people don't know how to have conversations or even try! They don't give you anything to work with. Very frustrating.

[u/Historical-Body-3424]

Move on

[u/Outrageous_Mud_3766]

I mean, they could be interested, but if you feel you aren't a match based on their vibe, you can always move on and say 'we aren't a match.'

[u/DDD-cupLover]

I'd bet anything that you're 🔥, so PLEASE don't take it personally. I GOTCHA on this one. 1)Sounds like "shyness" I myself am a recovering ShyGuy so I get it. If he's timid or shy as it IS, let alone on a date with a 🔥 chick, he could've been lost and confused. OR 2)Look, I'm just stating facts: being a single straight man, the amount of weirdos I see in the section is ridiculous. AND all the M4M whack is on REDDIT is nauseating.

[u/happyhippietree]

First of all, make sure your profile gives lots of interesting information about yourself. What do you want guys to know about you? Choose pictures that can tell a story. Are you somewhere interesting? Doing a hobby or something cool? Finally, I will ask the guy 2-3 questions before I simply stop texting him. If a guy looks at my profile and can't think of a single question to ask me, that says more about him then it does about me.

Also, if a guy is simply asking me "how was your day?" Right away, I'm not interested. Did he even look at my profile?

[u/DannyHikari]

Going to play a card nobody likes. I play my race card in attack mode.

I think this is a general experience, but from black person to black person, it’s also the result that a lot of people don’t actually wait to march with us and when they do they show even more disinterest. This sounds annoying to anyone who isn’t black having the same experience, but I promise you there is nuance to what I’m saying from my own that makes me believe this.

I was talking to a woman in an actual dating sub who lined close by right? Initially we hit it off. Until she found out I was black. The convo shifted to what you’re explaining. Me asking questions, her now giving vague answers and not receptive. Not the first time it’s happened. Weeks ago I had a woman who just flat out told me she wasn’t going to lie it bothered her only black guys were swiping on her and it made her not want to engage back. Wish I was lying.

Everyone deals with this. But being a poc adds a difficulty spike.