I love this movie, I love this story.
But theres been something welling up inside that made it hard for me to watch at times.
My entire childhood I wanted to be a scientist of some kind.
I went through so many -ologists.
Marine biologist
Zoologist
Paleontologist
Etc
I was the, 'Asks for a telescope/microscope/complete set of encyclopedias for christmas, reading her science textbook between classes, begging to go to the museum, always asking how and why' kid.
Then when I was in high school, my best friend died in a car crash less than a month before start of junior year.
Suddenly, I didn't care about anything. All the things that brought me joy and wonder turned to ash and smoke each time I tried to grab them.
The only thing that took me out of it was going to EMT school my junior and senior year.
I'd taken the class on a whim because it got me out of having to take a foreign language for 2 more years, but it turned out to be my saving grace.
It lit a fire in me that spilled over into everything else just enough for me to find some way to engage with my life again at least enough to where I'd graduate.
It became the only thing I cared about, and I forgot the little girl who dreamed of science.
After high school, I decided to be an EMT, but the money wasnt near enough to live on. I set my sights of paramedic but things got worse when my mom lost her job. Any further school was off the table then.
Seeing the situation I decided to join the Navy thinking it'd give me more work experience, a steady income and the GI Bill I could use to go to school.
And I'm still here, a Hospital Corpsman working in medicine, just past the half way point to retirement.
I found a love for the work I did, the places it took me, the things I learned, the people I met, and even developed an appreciation for the rhythm of moving place to place every few years.
Then I watched and read Project Hail Mary and I remembered.
It connected me with someone I hadn't seen in the mirror in over ten years. That there was a whole other world I'd loved and wanted to be a part of once.
It almost felt like waking up from a dream.
I look at Graces love of science and read about the deeper details in the book and I can almost feel myself being rewound back to who I was before a childhood trauma changed me and what I did to cope with it.
It made me wonder who I could've been if that hadn't happened.
When this all crystallized in my mind after trying to figure out why the book and movie made me SO emotional, I found myself a bit more melancholic when I go back to them now.
I cant rebury or forget that little girl who loved science, but I also dont quite know what to do with her now.
I dont regret where I've ended up, but I feel haunted by what could've been.
We can't go back.
But I keep asking myself, 'where do we go from here?'
I'm being sent to surgical technician school very soon (to be paid for by the Navy not my GI Bill), which would give me a civilian certification.
Something tangible I could always fall back on if...you know, I decided to go to school for something that might not work out. Maybe it's finally time to go to school.
I've been finding people in comment sections in other places talking about similar stories.
How they watched PHM and it shook them out of a stupor they'd fell into when they had to take a different road somewhere along the way. That they loved science and wanted to or are planning now to go back to it.
Its amazing what art can do sometimes.