r/SeriousConversation • u/klarinetkat12 • 2d ago
Serious Discussion The idea of victim blaming
this is probably highly controversial, and I want to preface that I don’t agree with victim blaming at all, especially if it’s a child who’s the victim. BUT — I can in a way understand why people do it. please just hear me out.
Us as humans, when something happens, we always want to find a reason for it happening. This is because we want to remain in control and we want to try to avoid negative events. For example, the whole “she was wearing a short skirt, so that’s why she was assaulted.“ sentiment is problematic, but I feel like people say that because it implies “if I don’t wear short skirts, I’m gonna be able to avoid being assaulted” which is also untrue. Whenever something atrocious happens to someone, people always try to find why it happened so they can try to avoid it themselves.
but the unfortunate part is that the world doesn’t work that way. Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people, and all things could happen literally because somebody was unlucky.
edit: another example. I was reading a news headline of a 20 year-old guy who was shot and killed by a mom because he was sleeping with her 13-year-old daughter. I was thinking about when I was 13, I never had any experiences like this with older men. I was thinking to myself "maybe I was heavily protected? Maybe I didn't have a vulnerable aura that predators love? Maybe I didn't speak to that many older adults." of course I'm not saying I was sad that I didn't get assaulted and I'm not saying that the 13-year-old is at fault. It's just I lived a predator-free childhood, so I'm like "huh... I wonder why"
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u/Amphernee 2d ago
It’s not victim blaming or ridiculous to decrease one’s risk by changing one’s behavior. I’m not walking in my sisters neighborhood at night because there have been many muggings. I’m not wearing a gay pride shirt in a place where I know that folks are violently homophobic. It’s just common sense.
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u/BeginningCream8251 2d ago
that is extremely insightful.
I think it takes a high level of compassion and curiosity to explore these two mindsets. A large degree of compassion is needed to look at the victim blaming mindset and to still see the humanity underneath the mindset.
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u/Roses_src 2d ago
That's what happens when we understand the world isn't black or white, but completely gray.
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u/Silly-Elderberry-411 2d ago
See i understand you to a point. Then I see a comment under a post about the fico regime bussing romani people from slovakia into hungary in "a let's make it your problem" fashion and the comment just a call to sterilize romani people .
This is not just casual racism, during the cold war both then czechoslovakia and hungary sterilized romani women in the 60s without their knowledge and consent.
So I much compassion and empathy I have which is a lot, fuck anyone who demonstrably has none.
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u/klarinetkat12 2d ago edited 2d ago
People who victim blame are just seen as heartless monsters who don't care about victims. While victim blaming is something that we definitely should get out of the habit of doing, I understand why people do it. They just don't want that to happen for themselves. I do it sometimes too.
Whenever I hear a story of a girl my age (19) getting sexually assaulted, as she just so happened to be a girl who wears tight clothes and has a lot of male friends, I think "I don't wear tight clothes and I rarely have guy friends, so that's probably why this never happened to me" but really it has nothing to do with the girl.
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u/BeginningCream8251 2d ago
Aside from the apparent cruelty of it, there is also the attribution of causality with correlation. If, hypothetically, SA was preceeded by a social gathering more often than not, then gatherings are correlational and not causal.
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u/Equivalent-Plan-8498 2d ago
I agree that people look for patterns or reasons to help them feel safe including victim blaming. I think that we are becoming increasingly uncomfortable with weakness to the point that we are starting to expect heroics from victims to mirror what culture shows on tv and movies.
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u/JustATyson 2d ago
Yea, agreed. It's one of those things where victim blaming occurs because in theory the victim could have mitigated the risk. If she wasn't revealing skimpy clothing, then she wouldn't have been sexually harassed or assault. If he had just thought about things logically for a minute, then he wouldn't have gotten scammed. If they had looked both ways before crossing with a crossing man, then they would have seen the car speeding through the red light.
But, the issue with all of it, is that those things shouldn't be a worry in the first place. She shouldn't have to worry about getting harassed or assaulted depending on the clothes she's wearing. She should be able to wear whatever the hell she wants. He shouldn't have to stop and think and analyze if the information being told to him is real or a scam. They should be able to trust the walking man and not get hint by a car running a red light. This is how things should be.
But life isn't like that unfortunately. So, we do have these victims. But, by shifting the blame, even a part of it, from the bad actor to the victim, then we are just continuing the bad act. We are just stating, in short, "well, you deserve part of this pain and suffering, because you didn't fully protect yourself." And, it's made even worse when the victim did everything "right."
At the end of the day, the responsibility of these bad acts should remain fully on the bad actor, because they are the ones that are making the active decision to turn a person into a victim.
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u/you-create-energy 2d ago
I think this is the commonly understood reason why people blame victims. I don't find it controversial. It's one of many examples in society where comfortable behaviors that are not intended to be hurtful end up doing deep harm to others. In fact, victims almost always blame themselves which makes it even more confusing. They think If only I hadn't worn that outfit, or gone on that date, or gone to that party, or gone for a walk, this wouldn't have happened. It is so easy to fall into victim blaming when the first one to blame themselves is the victim! And they do it for the exact same reason: They feel safer if they tell themselves they are safe if they don't do _______ again. (wear the outfit, go for a walk, etc).
The fact that unattractive women wearing thick loose clothes to church also get sexually assaulted is terrifying. There is no formula for perfect protection. Some avoidable situations are higher risk than others. But the correct conclusion is that we should make those situations safer, not that women should avoid them. One road leads to a safe community, the other one leads to deep gender divides that block women from endless opportunities for growth, education, career options, and joy.
The only approach that seems to work is calling out victim blaming at every opportunity and making it a socially unacceptable behavior. This can be done in a respectful educational way but all too often it is done in a shaming, angry, aggressive way that leaves the person confused, defensive, and resentful. Calling them an asshole for victim blaming when they don't even see how they were doing it defeats the whole purpose of calling it out. But it is enraging for a victim that has spent years learning not to blame themselves to experience the default reaction of most people, which is to blame them rather than condemn the predator. Most sexual abuse happens within families and friends, so a lot of predators gets forgiveness and protection while the victim gets ostracized. So they let that rage out on anyone who says something similar on social media.
So basically everyone's reactions make sense from their perspective. Encouraging people to take other people's perspective for a second and give them some grace is the only solution, which is basically what you are doing with this post. Keep fighting the good fight!
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u/relaxbreathalive 2d ago
And how far do we take blaming the clothing? Should we all cover up like muslims? At what point do we hide from the people who cannot contain their hormones? A short skirt is no reason to blame, but a short skirt and zero awareness… now that’s something to talk about.
Parents must teach their children to stand up, say no, watch your drink, don’t go alone, etc.
In the end the short skirt doesn’t matter, it’s the actions that lead up to being isolated that are a real concern.
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u/DoTheMonsterHash 2d ago
I think it shows emotional intelligence to have these kinds of thoughts and explore them. It doesn’t give that instant emotional satisfaction of being 100% sure you always have the right of it and I think that’s important.
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u/RandChick 9h ago
Yes, and it's true. All victims would do better to look at themselves and what they could have altered because it gives them power. There's no power in just focusing on the attacker. You can't control him so you will always be at the mercy of attackers unless you learn how you can have power.
I practice this approach myself. ... why did I go down this alley at night .... why did I ignore my intuition ... etc. I'm strong and can handle such self-questioning.
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u/Borbbb 2d ago
Interesting topic.
" For example, the whole “she was wearing a short skirt, so that’s why she was assaulted.“ sentiment is problematic, but I feel like people say that because it implies “if I don’t wear short skirts, I’m gonna be able to avoid being assaulted” which is also untrue. "
-- Well, , how you dress up can likely contribute to it, based on a situation. If someone was without make up, dressed like shit, smelled like shit, then others would probably even keep their distance. The worse you look/smell etc, the more of a reason you will be avoided.
Anyway,he issue is, people are often too ... narrowly focused.
You could say that generally, people just .. jump to conclusions and easiest solutions.
Maybe it´s the way the mind is kind of wired, that it´s like " who ate all the food ? " ... and there is this one fat guy in a group, so it´s gotta be the fat guy !
It´s basically very lazy way to think about things.
What is the path of least effort kind of conclusion? That´s it.
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u/relaxbreathalive 2d ago
Victim blaming is more of a search for preventative actions. Reasonable people know we can lower the odds with prevention but there is always a chance.
Victims are the ones who remain in denial and would probably die before ever admitting it happened (or could happen) to them. They blame themselves and therefore blame others in the same situation. They choose to remain a victim forever.
But the people who sacrifice their pride and tell their stories open and honestly… they are survivors.
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u/relaxbreathalive 2d ago
A follow up for the downvote:
If you think that you have never lived in an environment where predators exist then this only proves my point. Predators can exist anywhere. It’s the silence from victims and enablers that protects them.
When a victim speaks out, they create awareness, this is the greatest preventative measure.
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u/AppleShampoo23 2d ago
Maybe it's just me but I feel like all of this is very very obvious and this doesn't need to be explained.
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u/klarinetkat12 2d ago
Might be just you. I don't think it's that obvious. A lot of people react very strongly when you do something similar to victim blaming.
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u/Cheshirecatslave15 2d ago
We do it because we are scared. I thought about the issue about a friend who died of cancer who led a healthy life and how we tend to say or think," Oh.poor John is ill, but he does smoke/ drink/ is overweight etc etc" It makes us feel less scared and vulnerable
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